One year later
California State Prison
“Blackhart! Move your ass, don’t have all day.” The guard barks orders at me like I’m the shit on the bottom of his shoe. The shackles on my ankles are tight, but I’ve gotten used to it. Just like the sound of the doors when they close at night. The walls around me. Locking me in. Getting my name in the mix with Armillio and his dirty cops didn’t exactly help my image around here. It’s like that saying, it’s all about who you know, and that’s the motherfuckin’ truth.
Life without parole.
It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I wish I would’ve fuckin’ died that day ’cause every part of my soul did. I’m alive and breathing, but that’s about it. I didn’t plan to come out of there when shit went down, didn’t wanna live this life without her.
I knew I had to let Leylah go. Pushing her and Maddilyn away just about killed me. She’s too good, too pure, even if she doesn’t know it. I know I’m not the man she thinks I am. Being locked up here has shown me exactly that. I have a monster inside me, and he’s ripping my insides apart, begging to be released.
My past caught up to me, and it was never gonna let me go, but the past doesn’t even scrape the surface of the bad shit I’ve done in here.
Ryan’s good for her. Simple as that. That’s the only reason I gave her up. I know he will take care of them for me while I can’t. That’s why she can’t know I’m here. She’d come, and that’s exactly what they want.
Whatever it takes to keep my girls safe…
Even if that means they aren’t mine anymore.
I’m still grieving the loss of something that feels like death. It’s as if Roman died that day I burned that piece of paper, and in a way, he did. They say time heals all wounds, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need all the time in the world to heal this one. I miss parts of him every day, even when I don’t realize I’m thinking about him until I start going to this dark place in my mind. One glance at Maddy, and I can see his face in her eyes. She looks just like him, and I know Ryan sees it too.
Ryan isn’t the same man he used to be, and I’m grateful for him in more ways than I could ever fathom. Taking care of me and Maddy has been a huge priority for him. He would lay down his life for her. He didn’t have to deal with me and everything I put him through. He could have washed his hands and been done with it all, but he loves me, and for now, I have hope that one day all our hearts will heal and be whole again, that we can be happy and at peace in this new place in our lives.
“Mama!” Maddy screeches, flailing her legs. I walk into the kitchen with bedhead and sleep-filled eyes, where I see my two favorite people cooking breakfast. Ryan’s holding Maddy around his waist, her hand with a death grip on the back of his shirt.
“Morning, Ley.”
“Smells good in here.”
“French toast and bacon, your favorite.”
I worked an extra hard shift yesterday with a bad accident on 635. Shut down the whole interstate for hours. The extra sleep this morning was much appreciated. I make us a place at the table and stick Maddilyn in her high chair. It startles me when the doorbell rings this early in the morning. “I’ll get it.” I squint through the peephole to see who it is. “Erin Nicole! What are you doing here?”
She laughs. “I told Ryan I was coming. I wouldn’t just show up unannounced.”
“Um, yeah you would.”
“Okay, I would, but never this early. And I promise I told him.”
“Shut up and give me a hug.” We promised each other we’d see one another all the time, and truth is, we haven’t lately. Between work, her work, Maddy, and Ryan, life just kind of gets in the way of plans sometimes. And to be honest, she’s been a little distant too.
Ryan walks around the corner, throwing his arms up, feigning surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Ha-ha. I already told her I told you I was coming.”
“Figures. Can’t keep a secret.” He shakes his head, unable to contain the sarcasm. “Breakfast is ready.”
Even though we haven’t seen each other much, it still feels the same, like we’ve not lost any time at all.
“Did I tell you? I met this dude, and let me just say, he is something else.”
“No, you didn’t tell me.” I play along, because honestly, I can’t remember if she told me or not. Remember, different boyfriend every week?
“I didn’t? Well, he moves around a lot. I’m not actually sure he’s even staying anywhere permanently right now, but I’m really into him.” Ryan stays quiet, not giving a shit about our girl talk. “We’ve been talking for a few months. You guys should meet him!”
“We’d love to,” I say, speaking for the both of us. “Maybe we can double date or something. What’s his name?”
“Oh, his name is Blaze.”