I know it’s not the best way to break the news, barging into his work space unannounced, but it’s been made clear I don’t do anything traditional thus far, so why start now?
Jaycee, the main secretary to his building, lets me right in. She, of course, has no idea why I’m here either. She looks just as surprised to see me as I imagine he will be. I never pop in here anymore.
Peeking in and watching him work makes me weak. My palms are sweaty, no matter how hard I wipe them on my leg. I’m forced to remind myself why I’m here.
Keep going. One foot in front of the other.
I lift my hand and knock, even though the door is open, making my presence known.
I can do this.
His face changes when he sees me, and he stands up behind his desk, the chair scraping across the floor abruptly. “Ley, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”
I can’t seem to make my feet cooperate. Rooted to the spot, I’m glued to the doorframe, but tempted to turn around and run. I clear my throat in hopes that my words will come out. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m fine. I just need to talk. We need to talk.”
Realization dawns on him, and he sits back down, much calmer than he was when I first got here. He knows it’s serious, and he’s terrified. I can see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallows down his nerves. He nods and points toward the row of chairs opposite of his. “Pick a seat.”
So I do.
I sit and stare at him for I don’t even know how long, making sure this is what I want. There is no turning back after this. And I know, deep down I know, I can’t be with Ryan if my heart isn’t fully invested. Roman or no Roman, it’s not fair to make Ryan wait while I figure it out.
“Ryan, I met someone.” There. It’s out. At least I think I said it. It sounded more along the lines of all one word: RyanImetsomeone.
Silence. I can hear the clock ticking.
“You… met someone.” His brows are furrowed together. It’s not a question but more of a statement, like he’s tasting the words on his tongue, the words bitter and ugly. He gets up and walks over to the door and closes it. He doesn’t turn around right away, and I can’t watch.
After what feels like an hour, he comes back around to his side of the desk and sits down. He loosens his tie from around his neck and rests his elbows on the desk with his hands together in a fist at his face.
I don’t know what to say. I want to say nothing and everything all at once. I want him to say something.
Anything.
“Wow, Ley. I knew it was bad, but this? This is something else.”
“I know, I’m sorry to come here… like this. I just thought it would be better to be here than at home.”
“Better how? You don’t trust me? You think I’d hurt you?”
“It’s not that at all, Ryan. I just wanted to talk to you somewhere neutral…” Somewhere I couldn’t be persuaded to stay.
He picks up his keyboard and launches it across the room. It flings into one of the glass walls and lands with a bang on the floor with everything it took with it. I can see his chest rising and falling from where I sit. I haven’t moved out of my chair. I’m once again rooted to the spot.
“How long?” he asks.
I swallow, wanting to be careful with how I answer this question. “Not long. I’ve had every intention to tell you. I just... waited for the right timing. I’m going to stay with Erin. I had to make sure it was okay with her first.”
He snorts, like this is all some kind of joke. “Fucking Erin. I’m sure she was all over that. Your husband and your boyfriend. The best kind of drama.”
Now he’s just pissing me off, and if I’m honest, making me a little nervous. I’ve never been afraid of Ryan in all the years we’ve been together, but he’s hurt and unpredictable. People say and do things they don’t mean when they’re vulnerable, and I don’t want to make this any harder than need be, on either one of us.
“She doesn’t know anything about that… just… about us.”
“Well, thank fuck for that,” he says, anger spewing from his lips.
I finally get the nerve to stand up and make an exit. “I’m going to let you blow off some steam before this goes any further and the wrong things are said.”
He looks at me with pain and regret written all over his face. “I would never hurt you, Ley.”
If only he knew how much he already has.
When I get to my car, I’m a mess. I didn’t think I would cry, but running out of his office like that left a knot in my throat. Erin answers on the first ring. “How did it go?”
I’m using my shoulder to hold my phone to my ear while buckling and connecting Bluetooth so I can talk and drive without running off the road. All the while, tears are clouding my vision, and I can’t get out of here fast enough. I don’t want him to come out while I’m still here.
I sigh. “I don’t know, fucking awful. I feel like I just ruined his life, Erin.” Bluetooth finally connects, and Roman’s name flashes across the navigation screen. Perfect timing. Just freaking perfect. I deny his call. I can’t do this right now.
When I’m a safe enough distance from Ryan’s building, I pull over and rest my head against the seat.
“You aren’t ruining his life. Ruining his life would be staying in an unhappy marriage while he thinks everything is hunky-dory. It’s bullshit, and you know it. It takes two to tango, boo.”
I do know it. That’s why I’m doing this.
I suck up the sniffling and let her know I’m on my way to help her pack up some of my things. I left her there while I went to see Ryan, in hopes that she could get a good head start. I don’t want to be there trying to load everything up with him hovering over me. Hell, I don’t know if he will even come home today after this.
I walk through the door, and Cloud is sitting on the entry table in an empty box. She greets me with her usual meow and waits for me to acknowledge her. “I know, it’s okay, pretty girl.” I pick her up and snuggle her close before dealing with the chaos that has become my life.
I’m not standing there long before Erin comes waltzing through the living room like a boss, a full bag in each hand. “Hey, I’m not sure what all of this you wanted,” she says, holding her arms up with clothes draped over them. “And I didn’t know how long we had to get outta here, so I just grabbed what I thought you’d need. Plus your scrubs. You okay?”
“Yeah, you can put all of that in the back of the car. I’m just going to grab Cloud’s food and water bowls.” It doesn’t take long for the two of us to knock out the majority of what I need for now. I’m not trying to rob Ryan blind; I just want my personal things. I can get any heavy stuff Ryan doesn’t want later.
It’s been a week, and I still haven’t seen Ryan since I left his office. He’s been blowing up my phone and asking to meet me somewhere. He even came by Erin’s twice, but we just turned the lights off and sat by the door till he left.
I felt like an asshole, watching him through the peephole. He looks like shit.
I bought new bedding, and Erin’s letting me sleep in her extra bedroom. It’s a lot smaller than mine, but I’m not complaining because this bed is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in. That’s all I’ve done since I came here.
It felt weird keeping things that Ryan and I shared so intimately. I needed to let go and fully start over, so I made it easy on him and left everything I didn’t have a major sentimental attachment to.
“Wake up, bitch!” Erin comes in my room and flops down on the bed. Roman just sent me a picture, and I’m grinning like an idiot. I can’t even hide it. She wrinkles up her nose. “What are you smiling at? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know.”
I say nothing. Instead, I flip my phone around and share Roman’s picture. Her eyes flit back and forth from my screen to my face. “Why am I always the last to know everything?” She slaps me in the face with my pillow and laughs.
“I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not why I left Ryan… not the only reason.”
“I know.” We share a serious moment, and she slides off the bed and stops in the doorway. “Just invite me to the wedding, okay?”
We both laugh, and it’s my turn to throw my pillow back at her. She’s my best friend, and I have no one else I can trust with this. I know it’s crazy, putting ten years behind me for this man—this man who I don’t know, not really, nor do I know the kind of future we will have. I know he’s amazing, he has feelings for me, and he would do anything for me. Isn’t that enough?