Ryan’s been spending more and more time out of town. I’ve only seen him a handful of times in the past couple of months. He’s out of the country for another week, unless they change the schedule. Roman and I have been talking frequently over the past few months. The more we talk, the more my heart grows for him. We’ve even facetimed, and some of those late-night calls may or may not have ended in a happy ending.
Just for the record… they totally did.
It’s been a busy day at the hospital. The flu is going around, and we have beds in the hallway full of sickness. I don’t get a break after lunchtime, and it’s been nothing but chaos. I’m more than ready to take a shower and call it a day when seven o’clock rolls around. I let the hot water beat down on me and wash away the dirtiness of the day. The buzzing of texts coming through has me rushing through the rest of my shower. How he does this to me so effortlessly, I don’t even know.
Roman: Hey, darlin’.
Roman: How was work?
Roman: I need to see you.
Me: Give me a sec. Just got out of the shower.
Roman: I wouldn’t mind the view.
Roman: But nah for real, I wanna see you.
I push my boobs up to the top of my towel and take a pic. I crop my face out of it and send.
Roman: Fuck. Killing me with that.
Roman: And I mean not over the phone. Need all of you, babe.
Fuck, there’s that guilt bubbling up inside my chest. I don’t know why I keep doing this, stringing him along. Stringing “us” along, because he thinks there could possibly be an us one day. He already texts and calls me all the time. I told him to text me, that it’s easier than calling for me, but he does it anyway, and I can’t avoid it, no matter how hard I will myself not to answer.
We’ve been talking for months, and he keeps asking me to visit him. I can only beat around this bush for so long before he starts getting suspicious or just stops talking to me altogether. I’m not sure which one would be worse.
He’s going to get tired of FaceTime sooner than later. Phone calls and pictures only go so far for a guy like Roman. A guy like Roman doesn’t just sit around and wait. I feel guilty as hell when I look Ryan in the eye, in the rare opportunity that I get to tell him I love him face to face—while another guy is texting me how much he wants me. But the problem is I do love Ryan. I just want him to love me like he used to. Maybe I just don't want to hurt Ryan to get what I want. I’m too afraid of hurting him and myself.
But I have these feelings for Roman. It’s something I’ve never felt before, and especially nothing this intense this soon. Ever. I can’t give him up. He’s my addiction, and I’m scared of the low. There’s the high, when everything is beautiful and going the way it’s supposed to, when you’re so happy there’s nothing else to think about. Then everything falls apart and breaks you—that’s the low. I’m high right now, but for how long?
In case you didn’t know, it is possible to give your heart to two people at once.
Me: When?
Roman: Whenever you can get away. Idc. Just need to see your face.
Roman: If I buy you a ticket, will you come?
I could do what I always do, throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Ryan is gone, and when he is here, he’s not really here. What kind of life is this I’m living? I’m half living in this shell of a person I used to be, with nothing but a bunch of distant memories between me and Ryan.
“Okay” is all I manage to reply. I think my brain is a little behind on what my fingers are saying. Either that or it just can’t handle how fucking stupid I really am.
I find myself going through the motions of packing my suitcase. I look down on the bed and see my clothes folded, underwear off to one side.
What am I doing? I can’t do this.
I pick my phone back up and contemplate my options. My screen is lit up with two missed calls. One from Ryan and one from Roman. Ryan’s text soon follows.
Ryan: Just got back to my room. Tired. Had a hard day. Call you tomorrow. Love you.
I’m a basket case of emotions, and it hits me out of nowhere. I sweep the clothes off my bed and can’t stop the tears from spilling over.
I scroll through my contacts and click on Roman’s so I have his number ready. I reach for the iPad on my nightstand and bring up Google, searching how to block a phone number through AT&T.
The instructions are easy. Too easy. It shouldn’t be this simple to get rid of someone in your life. Each number I type in feels like lead going through my fingertips. When I reach the last number and hit the Submit button, my heart gives out.
I clutch the iPad to my chest, and I can’t catch my breath.
I cry.
And I cry.
The next week is foggy. Reality hits me of what I did to Roman, and I almost can’t bear it. I still feel like I’m suffocating.
“Hey, want to watch a movie?” Ryan asks. He flew in yesterday, much to my surprise. I look up from my massive laundry pile that’s suffering thanks to work.
“Sure, just let me put these up.” He nods and leaves the bedroom. I stop folding and stare at the iPad, just inches away, calling out to me.
I can’t do it.
I’m practically clawing my way to the device. I didn’t even X out of the page last time, and his number’s right there on the screen, sitting in the blocked calls section. My finger hovers over the unblock button as I weigh my options. Block or unblock. Right and wrong.
Unblock.
I’m so weak, I should be ashamed. But when my finger hits that button, I can breathe a little lighter.
Me: Hey
Roman: Hey…?
Roman: Where’d you go?
He’s probably mad at me. Confused at the very least. After I agreed to see him and cut off all communication for so long, he has every right to be.
So, I lie.
Me: Sorry. I don’t know what was wrong with my phone.
Me: Couldn’t text or call out.
Roman: I was wondering. Called you and kept getting a busy signal.
Roman: Even called the hospitals in your area to try and get ahold of you. None of them would tell me if you worked there or not.
Roman: You need a new phone.
I kid you not, my life flashes before my eyes. He called my work. Or he thinks he did. What if he talked to someone who works with me and knows me?
“Ley, you coming?”
Shit. Ryan. I forgot he’s waiting on me. “Yeah, I’ll be right down,” I yell back.
I don’t have time to think right now. I’ll deal with Roman later. I type out a quick response and tell him I’m working, since he knows I can’t talk much while I’m at work.
Me: At work. Ttyl
I turn the ringer on vibrate, turn my passcode on, and join Ryan for our movie.
The entire movie, my thoughts are elsewhere. My phone buzzes a few times, but I’m too scared to look at it sitting this close to Ryan. All I want to do is go pee or get a snack… anything to get a quick glance at my texts. But I don’t. I watch Ryan watch the movie, and I can’t help but feel like the shittiest person. I want him to look over at me, to tell me how much he loves me, to sweep me off my feet for no reason like he used to do. But he doesn’t.
No matter my love for Ryan, it doesn’t stop me from thinking about Roman.