It’s a good thing I came home when I did. Ryan came home the very next day to “surprise” me. He’s been working in the office in town since then, and to be honest, it’s a little weird. I don’t know if it’s because of the time I spent with Roman, which opened my eyes, or what, but I just feel like I’m on my last leg. I’m mentally exhausted, and the lies are catching up to me.
“Don’t get comfortable,” Ryan says. “Let’s go out tonight.”
“What?” I want to ask why since we haven’t gone anywhere or done anything fun together in the past year. Hell, it may even be longer than that, but I don’t say anything. I hold it in.
“Let’s go try out that new bar downtown. A couple guys from the office are taking their wives tonight. Some grand opening with a free drink special going on.”
“Is this a work event?”
“No, not at all. I just thought you might like to do something since I’ve been gone.”
“Okay, I guess we can go, but I can’t drink much. I’m working in the morning.”
When we first got together, Ryan and I spent most of our time camping, floating the river, in the gym—anything active. We could always find the time to be up to something. He used to have the need to be active and on the go 24/7, and now since that need has been replaced with work, going out together is a privilege. This bar scene though, it’s just weird.
I haven’t been to a real bar in a long time, especially not one like this. The music is beating so hard I can feel it in my chest. It’s dark with black lights everywhere except around the bar.
This is interesting. And so not Ryan.
“You want a drink?” Ryan shouts next to my ear so I can hear him over Kesha blaring through the speakers.
I stand up on my tippy toes and yell back, “Just one beer!”
He nods in acknowledgment and heads toward the bar. I recognize his coworkers already sitting, and he takes a seat next to them. I wander around, swaying to the beat. A guy brushes into me by accident and smiles. I push my way through the crowd over to Ryan and stand next to him, all the barstools are taken. They’re talking work lingo and numbers that I don’t understand. It’s hard to hear over the music, and really, I don’t even care what they’re saying. “Hey, where’s my beer?” I ask, interrupting.
“Here, drink mine, Ley.” Ryan hands me his beer. I’m confused. Did he not get me one too? Instead of making a scene, I just take it and drink while they carry on the rest of their conversation. I don’t get why I’m here. It doesn’t look like anyone else brought their wives, or else they’re off dancing somewhere. Everyone around me is having a good time, while I stand here, feeling like a tagalong.
“I’m going to the ladies’ room,” I say, with a tap on his arm, letting him know I’ll be right back.
As I stand at the bathroom sink, I look at the girl in the mirror, and I don’t know who she is. The young, smart, innocent girl is long gone. In her place is a lost, lonely little liar—lying to herself and everyone else. I shouldn’t have come here tonight.
I dig around in my purse for my phone. I just want to talk to Roman, lie in his bed, and forget all my problems. The beach wouldn’t be half bad either.
Me: You busy?
A couple minutes later, his name buzzes across the screen. It’s not lost on me that a weight is instantly lifted off my shoulders. I pick a stall and sit on the toilet lid since there’s no point in going back out there right now anyway.
“What’s up, beautiful?”
I can hear machines in the background, and my heart swells. I know he’s working late. Probably dirty, in a wife beater, holey jeans, and work boots. “I just needed to hear your voice. Miss you big,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut. I’m a lightweight. I can feel what little beer I did drink running through me.
It gets quiet in the background, and I can hear him better now. “You know what would be perfect?” he asks.
“What?”
“You, in my shop, naked, on my lap.” I can’t help but smile. He gets me out of my funk without even trying.
“Put that on our to-do list for next time.”
“Can’t wait.”
The bathroom door opens, and a herd of drunk women pour in. It’s noticeably louder, so I let Roman get back to his work and face the music. I can’t hide out in here all night.
When I get back to the bar, Ryan isn’t there. The bartender searches me out and nods in the direction of the VIP wall. There’s a row of rooms with clear glass walls, and I can see Ryan and his friends in room number three. I’m beyond ready to go home. I’m about ready to stalk right over and grab the keys and let him catch an Uber home, but he sees me and waves me over. I guess that’s my cue.
He meets me at the door and puts both hands around my waist and his face in my neck. “Wanna dance?” he yells. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep, and he’s buzzed, heavy on his feet.
“Not really. I wanted to dance a long time ago. Now I just want to go home. I have work tomorrow, remember?” I’m trying so hard to not be angry, to not have an attitude and just let it go this time. If I leave now, I can go home and get in bed and still get plenty of rest for tomorrow.
“Fuck that job. Dance with me.” He’s loud, and people are starting to stare in our direction.
“Would you stop? You’re getting drunk! It’s late. You stay. Have one of the guys take you home,” I say, nodding toward his coworkers. I start to walk away, but he pulls me back to him. We’re face to face, and I can smell the alcohol oozing out of his pores.
“You don’t wanna dance with me?” Through his drunken state, I can see his emotions all over his face. This isn’t about the dance. Sometimes the truth comes out when you’re drunk, whether you want it to or not. That look, that look right there is what makes this so hard. I don’t even know who this once confident man is anymore. Now he’s someone he’s not, going to bars and drinking, desperate for my attention but only when he’s had the liquid courage.
I put my hand up to his face. “No, Ry. Let’s go home.”
As soon as we’re in the car, I type out a quick text to Erin before I drive off, letting her know I need to meet her at our spot as soon as possible. We make plans and agree to meet tomorrow after work.
This can’t wait any longer.
The day drags on forever before seven o’clock finally rolls around. I don’t normally get the chance to watch the clock so anxiously, but this is different.
“I’ll take a large strawberry acai, coconut milk instead of water, please.”
“Blueberries or strawberries on top?”
“Strawberries.”
Erin walks up as my barista is making my drink. She gives me a big kiss on the cheek and tells me how pretty I look today. I narrow my eyes at her. My hair is piled on top of my head, and I’m still in my scrubs. She must know I mean business coming here today if she’s being nice already.
She laughs. “I’m serious. You’re a hot nurse. You always give me a lady boner in these things.”
Oh my gosh. My cheeks are probably fifty shades of red. The things our poor barista puts up with. On that note, I pay for my drink, making sure to tip extra well for our ridiculousness, and go to our corner while I wait for her to get her order.
“Okay, so what are we doing here? Emergency meetings are never good.”
I get one more good nail bite in before I spit out the truth. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. You know things aren’t going great between Ryan and I, but I haven’t told you to what extent. I think last night was just the final straw for me.”
She’s staring at me wide eyed and confused like I’m breaking up with her instead of Ryan. “What? I feel like I’m missing something here?”
“I know. I haven’t told you a lot lately because I’m just so embarrassed. And I’m sorry, but I’m almost thirty and my marriage is failing. No one likes to talk about that.”
“Ley…” She reaches across the way and holds my hand. I know I need to be honest with her and tell her what’s going on. She’s my ginger, this shouldn’t be so hard, dammit.
“I know it sounds bad, but I haven’t been happy in a long time anyway. Ryan is different. I’m different. There’s so much tension going on. We went out last night, and it was just a wake-up call. I can’t do it anymore. I need to be honest with him. And myself.”
Erin has tears in her eyes. Tears. I don’t even have tears yet. “It’s okay, really. I don’t want you to be sad for me. I just want someone else to understand what I’m going through. I need to get this burden off my chest. That’s why I’m telling you.”
“I’ll never judge you, Ley. You know that. Whatever you need, I’m here.” She gives my hand a squeeze. “Do you need a place to stay for a while?”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, but I imagine things won’t go over so well when I tell Ryan. “I haven’t told Ryan anything yet. I can’t stay there with him though, obviously. I’ll come over afterward, to get away until I can find something more permanent.”
“I can help you pack, really. Let me help. There are two extra beds at the house. No one is using them. When do you think this will all go down?”
“This weekend. He’s leaving next week, and I can’t wait until he gets back. My nerves would fry waiting that long.” I’m afraid to ask in case it’s too much but— “What about Cloud?”
Erin bursts out laughing. “Only you, concerned about that damn cat in a time like this.”
“I’m dead serious! If Cloud can’t come, I may need to rethink this whole thing.”
She throws her napkin at me. “Okay, bitch. Of course she can come too.”
We’re laughing together, but it still hurts. It’s hard to be silly in this moment, but with my best friend it’s bearable.
I don’t tell her about Roman. Not right now.
First, I have to face the music with my husband.