Eighty Seven
Ayden
I was becoming unraveled. What should’ve been the greatest time of my life, preparing for my wedding with Sasha, was anything but that. Everything, all the pain I’d caused everyone lingered over my head like a storm cloud. My head pounded in agony as sweat dripped down my forehead. I had to have a fix. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Glancing over at Sasha, I saw she’d fallen asleep. Slowly, I eased off of the bed. My stomach coiled tightly I walked hunched over. The pain was so bad I thought I would pass out. How did people make it through withdrawal? I’d been through it before, but I was in prison then so I’d had no choice.
Now standing in my bathroom with the door locked I faced a torturous decision.
Opening up a drawer to the bathroom vanity, I reached inside and retrieved my leather bag. Unzipping it, I dumped the contents onto the cold, tiled floor. My veins pulsed in anticipation as I fixed the syringe. I thought of Sasha lying on the bed just a few feet away. If she caught me, she’d end our engagement. That was the last thing I wanted, but the pain was too great. I just wanted it all to end. The syringe was full and just one fix would be enough to take all the pain away.
Despite the inconvenience, I decided to shoot in my foot. It would be easier to cover the track marks. As soon as the needle pierced my skin, every pore came alive. Perspiration coursed down my face soaking my shirt. My thumb hovered on the plunger.
Was this what I really wanted?
Was I going back to being a fucking junkie?
Pushing down on the plunger, I felt the drug coursing through my veins. It was almost spiritual the way my entire being felt alive. The pain was gone. I felt nothing but bliss. I leaned back closing my eyes feeling my spirit soar. I felt a delicious warmth come over me, like I was sinking into a warm bath. Nothing had ever felt this good before. My hands dropped to my sides as I let the drug flow through me.
The door flew open. Sasha was standing over me her face flushed red with anger.
“Ayden, what the fuck is going on? I was pounding on that door for over twenty minutes!”
I found myself lying on the floor the empty syringe lying next to me. The lights were glaring into my eyes as I squinted to look at her. “I must’ve passed out,” I murmured trying to hide the syringe beneath me. It was no use Sasha had already seen everything.
“Ayden, quit trying to hide that fucking needle! I know what you’ve been doing. How long have you been using?” Sasha knelt down beside me.
I struggled to sit up. Touching the back of my head, I found a sore lump. I guessed I must’ve hit the vanity while passing out. “Just this once, I promise.”
Lie number one.
“Bullshit, Ayden. This isn’t the first time. I told you before if I caught you using again that was it. I see several marks on your feet. They’re fresh.” Sasha sat down on the floor next to me examining my feet.
“Sasha, please, I just hurt so bad last night. I couldn’t take it. With everything Ash and Amber are going through, I just can’t stand to see them hurting so badly. I don’t know how to help them.”
She shook her head. “Getting high won’t help anyone or anything. You should know that by now.” She pulled her legs to her chest wrapping her arms around her knees. Her face was crestfallen.
Silence filled the small bathroom as we looked at each other. The faucet dripped water slightly hitting the metal stopper in the sink.
“I know, but it stops the pain at least for me,” I answered in a low voice. The high having long since left me had my veins crying out for more. Always more, more, more.
Heroin was a demanding whore.
She was a fucking vampire draining the blood out of anyone she could.
And here, I’d invited her back into my life.
Sasha unwound her legs and scooted closer to me to cradle me in her arms. “Ayden, I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I told you how I felt about you using. I can’t have it in my life. I won’t. If you don’t get treatment now, I’ll have to leave.”
I bolted upright. “No, you can’t. I love you. It was just this once. I can stop whenever I want!”
The corners of her mouth slightly turned upward. “Then stop now.”
My hands trembled as I stood up. I held my hand out to her. “I will.”
She took my hand and got to her feet. She bent down to collect the used syringe and the rest of my works. “Then throw this shit away.”
I hesitated a moment before taking the old blackened spoon and rubber tubing and tossing them into the bag. I capped the syringe and set it aside to be thrown away separately.
Sasha watched intently as I disposed of my works into the trashcan.
“There now.” I turned to her triumphantly.
She shook her head her long brown hair falling over her face. She looked down at the diamond ring on her finger. “You won’t stop not yet anyway,” she whispered.
“Of course, I will.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she fondled her ring. “No, you won’t stop until you’re ready. And I don’t think you’re ready.”
I grabbed her by the shoulders forcing her to look at me. “Yes, I am. I love you. I won’t lose you.”
She smiled again shaking her head. “You lost me the moment you decided to stick that needle inside your foot. You chose the fucking heroin over me.” She pushed me aside and stormed out of the bathroom.
Following her, I watched in horror as she retrieved a suitcase from the closet and began throwing clothes into it. “What the hell are you doing?” I yanked the suitcase away from her hurling it across the room.
“Stop it, Ayden!” She rushed over to pick it up and bring it back to the bed.
“No, I won’t. Not until you stop packing. You’re not going anywhere.”
We struggled for a moment over the suitcase until she let go.
“I don’t need anything from here anyway. I’m done, Ayden.” She slipped the ring from her finger dropping it onto the dresser where it landed with a slight clang.
My heart froze. This couldn’t be happening. “Please, Sasha, I promise I’ll stop. Just don’t go.” I took the ring and tried forcing it back on her finger.
With one sharp move of her hand, she yanked herself away from me. “I said no, not until you get clean.”
I spread my hands wide. “But I am clean. I’m as sober as a minister on Sunday! I promise you. It was only because of Ash and Amber. I just couldn’t stand the pain I’d caused them…” I trailed off.
“Pain you caused them? That was a long time ago. You can’t keep beating yourself up over it. And what happened to Amber was because of her brother not you!”
I shook my head. “No, if I hadn’t kidnapped Amber she would never have been in the public eye. She’d have never felt the need to come forward about all the trauma she suffered. Then her horrible brother wouldn’t have…done what he did.”
Sasha slapped me lightly on the cheek. “Look, there’s always going to be a reason to use just like there are reasons not to use. If you look hard enough, you’ll always be able to find a way to justify your actions.”
My mouth went dry as I contemplated what she’d said. She was right.
But heroin is a jealous whore, too.
“Please don’t go.” My shoulders sagged with defeat.
“I don’t want to. I love you, but I can’t sit back and watch you destroy yourself. I won’t be part of it.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded.
Sasha pushed past me and I watched helplessly as she packed her things.
When she filled the suitcase, she turned to me. Tears were dripping from her face. “I wish you the best. I love you and I want nothing more than to spend my life with you, but I can’t until you decide to get clean.”
I took her hand and pressed it to my lips. My own tears dripped down onto her hand. “I know, Princess. I will get clean I promise you.”
“Good. When you do, let me know.”
With that, she walked out of the house.
I stood still frozen in that space until I heard the front door close then I threw back my head and screamed all the anguish I felt.
I grabbed the thing nearest to me, a lamp on the nightstand, and hurled it across the room. It hit the wall shattering the glass lampshade raining shards everywhere. I collapsed to the floor in defeat.
The days that followed Sasha’s departure were pure hell. My desire to use was so strong I had to sit on my hands rocking back and forth. I couldn’t take it. My body burned with need. Attempts to sleep were futile. I soaked the sheets with my perspiration. I couldn’t focus on anything.
All I could do was think of getting another fix.
For several days, I sat all alone in my house. I popped Advil like they were candy trying to get rid of the terrible crushing headaches. My stomach felt raw inside from the constant vomiting.
The worst torture was psychological. All I needed to end the torment was to get a fix. Then I wouldn’t feel any pain.
But I had to kick this even if it killed me.
After being gone from the office for nearly a week, I heard a knock at my door. I’d been lying on the living room floor wrapped up in a blanket. The sour smell of my vomit filled the air. Shuffling to the door, hope filled my heart thinking it was Sasha.
I threw open the door to see Ash standing there staring at me.
“My God, Ayden, you look awful!”
Seeing how sallow my skin was, the dried saliva crusted in the corners of my mouth, and the old sweatpants I’d been shuffling around in for the past week made his mouth fall open. “Sasha left me,” I muttered.
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“I know that already. She just called me a few hours ago. She’s worried about you.”
I shrugged throwing some clothes off the couch. “Have a seat.”
He wrinkled his nose at the odor in the room. “No, thank you.”
I collapsed on the couch with a blank stare.
“Obviously, you’re using again,” he stated quietly.
I ran my hands through my hair feeling how greasy it was.
Ash held out his hand to me. “Come on, pack your stuff. I’m taking you back with me.”
“Where?”
“To where Amber and I are living now.”
I shook my head feeling emotions about to overtake me. “No, I have to stay here. I want to be close to Sasha.”
“I will let Sasha know where you are. Get clean and she’ll come back.”
I found a crumpled pack of cigarettes on the coffee table. Lighting one up, I leaned back and blew the smoke away from him. “Where did you guys move?”
“The Midwest. It’s safer there. I don’t think Mark will find us.”
I shook my head flicking my ash into the glass tray. “It’s all my fault,” I whispered.
“What is?”
I threw my hands apart. “This. Everything. You and Amber and Mark. He wouldn’t have attacked her if it wasn’t for me.”
Ash closed his eyes sighing. He sat on the edge of the couch next to me. “That’s not true. Mark abused Amber for years when they were kids. That had nothing to do with you.”
A bitter taste rose in my mouth and I swallowed hard. “But I hurt you both. If I hadn’t kidnapped Amber, the trauma she suffered as a child wouldn’t have been exposed. Mark would never have come here.”
Ash reached out to me. I could smell the spicy scent of his rich cologne. “That’s over now. We’ve both forgiven you. You’re a different person than you were back then. We both know how sorry you are. You didn’t have the advantage of growing up in a loving home with our father. I used to think I was the victim because our mother left me, but her leaving was a gift.”
His hand felt warm on my shoulder. “It was. You didn’t miss anything not being with her. The scars of my childhood run deep.”
“I know, but it’s no reason—”
“—to use? I know. Sasha said the same thing. But the pain is so bad sometimes. You just don’t know. Now everything with Amelia and the attack on Amber….it’s just too much.” I let my head fall into my hands.
“Look, there’s always going to be a reason to use. You have to overcome this on your own. I know you’ve been clean before and there’s no reason you can’t now.”
I stared at the scars on my bare feet. If he only knew how hard it was…“I can get clean. I’m trying like hell. I’ve been locked up in this house for a week. Do you see the claw marks on this table?” I gestured to the faint scratches on the oak coffee table.
He peered down and nodded.
“That was me trying not to use. I’ve been successful this whole week, but it’s hard. You couldn’t understand.”
“Then come with me. I’ll send you to the best rehab in the country.”
“I’ll only bring you down. Let me do this on my own.”
“No, Ayden. You’re coming with me and that’s final.” Ash stormed off heading toward the master bedroom. Dumping clothes in a suitcase, he emerged moments later. “There now. There’s no reason not to come. Let’s go.”
I bit my lip. Maybe I would be better off with him then alone. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all you can do then.”
I swallowed hard nodding.
As I locked the door to my house, I cast one final glance back. This was going to be a challenge.
Was I ready for it?