“They look bigger, right?” Layne asked, studying her reflection in the mirror. She cupped her hand over one of her breasts and Jax raised his eyebrow at her and laughed.
“What?” she asked. “I look ridiculous right now, don’t I?”
“I wouldn’t say ridiculous,” he said with a grin, tucking Layne’s light brown hair behind her ear. “Try the other one now.”
She slapped him and shook her head, strutting out of the bathroom with a sigh.
“Well if they are bigger you know what that means, right?” she asked.
“More to love?” his deep voice rumbled into her ear, bringing his strong, masculine hands over the delicate mounds of her breasts and stroking her nipples with his thumbs. She moaned involuntarily and let her body lean back into his. He buried his head into her neck and kissed her gingerly, sending tingles throughout her body. When he pulled away, she sighed.
“You’re such a tease,” she said, heading into the kitchen for a drink of water. She could feel him grinning behind her and shook her head, smiling despite herself.
She had been nauseated regularly since Jax had returned from his perilous journey north to look for his brother, which had been a little bit difficult for their intimacy. The poor man had been treating her as if she were glass, not daring to go any further than a gentle kiss or a stroke here or there. She was sexually frustrated, but she appreciated his consideration. She hadn’t been feeling up to intensive physical activity, and if there was one thing their sex life was, it was intensive. Neither of them held back.
Maybe if they were a little tamer, she wouldn’t be worrying about whether or not she was pregnant. She was eighty percent sure that she was. Still, they were both concerned. Any illness, especially now that civilization had been wiped out by the deadly virus, was extremely dangerous. Vaccinations were a thing of the past, and even though she was a chemist, she didn’t always have the tools she needed.
There were a lot of potential problems if they were going to bring a child into the world. First of all, they would have to protect the child from all varieties of illness and disease. The baby would be vulnerable to the virus, and could potentially be taken from them before it even had a chance to live.
What would she do if she lost her child? And more to the point, would it be selfish of them to bring a child into a cruel, upside-down world where it couldn’t thrive, and maybe wouldn’t even be able to survive its first day of life? The cabin they lived in could still be crawling with infection.
And if it did survive, how would they socialize their child? How would they find other children for it to play with? What would they do when the child grew into a teenager and wanted nothing to do with its parents? What if it wanted to run off and join a tribe or found friends in the wrong places? Maybe they could go up north and network there, but she was really happy where they were.
Jax hadn’t spoken much about the community up north, but they both knew it was better than the rivalling tribes down south. Still, he obviously hadn’t been particularly impressed. It was nice in the north, but it still had problems just like everywhere else.
Layne sighed. It wasn’t the paradise they had been envisioning. There was too much work left to do, too many variables to think about. Maybe if things were still how they had been when she was growing up, she would be picking out names and daydreaming about what their lives would be like together. But they weren’t living in a time like that and might never be again. It almost seemed better if she were just sick.
“Jax?” she called.
“Yeah?” he replied, emerging from the bathroom with a comb, running it through his dark black hair. It had grown longer since she first met him, and she couldn’t help but feel that he was more attractive every time she saw him.
“I’m not sure I can wait to find out for sure,” she said, furrowing her eyebrow.
“What do you mean?” he asked, moving toward her and dropping his hand from his hair.
“If I’m sick, it could kill me before we find out if I’m pregnant. It would still be a couple of months before I’m showing, you know? But if it’s an illness I might not make it that long. I think we need to act.”
Jax sobered at the words and frowned. The only way to know for sure was to get her to a medic somehow, but she couldn’t make a journey like that with him, especially not if they went north like he would prefer. How could he leave her when she wasn’t feeling well? And if she was pregnant, he wanted to be there for her every step of the way.
“I’m not sure how we can find out,” he said, furrowing his brow.
“Don’t most tribes have doctors of some sort? I mean, many of them are pretty devoted to keeping as much of modern medicine alive as possible. They’re terrified of humanity reverting back into the stone age.”
She was speaking from experience. She had been part of a tribe of doctors and idealists who had hoped, during the initial outbreak of the virus, that they would be able to fight the illness and save the world. Unfortunately, the majority of them were just egotistical crackpots who thought they knew more than they really did. It had been a dark period of her life, learning how hopeless it was to believe that she could make a difference. The apocalypse had struck, and she was completely useless.
Jax would never be able to understand the helplessness she felt when she realized that her years of study and a lifetime of gifted intelligence still left her helpless and unable to provide relief for the suffering people around her. She thought she should have been able to figure out the virus, at least in time to save her ailing family. How had she been lucky enough to escape unscathed? And would her child be blessed with that immunity, or the genes of her vulnerable family?
It was a lottery that she wasn’t sure she wanted to subject a child to. She was pretty certain that she would be able to find a way to terminate the pregnancy. Mandrake root would do the trick if she could get her hands on some, but she knew from the look in Jax’s eyes that he was excited about the possibility of being a father, and she wasn’t sure if she could dash that hope. And if she was being honest with herself, she was secretly thrilled at the prospects of motherhood. It would be nice to have a baby around. She hadn’t heard a child’s voice in years. They always seemed to bring hope wherever they went.
She knew she had to get examined by a medical doctor to find out whether or not she was putting her worries in the right place. If she was sick she could deal with it, but if she was pregnant, she would have to make some preparations of her own.
“There might have been doctors up north,” Jax said uncertainly. “But I don’t think you should travel that far and I’m not comfortable leaving you alone for that long. Especially if there’s something wrong. I think I’m going to try to find some help a little closer to home. Okay?”
“Yeah…just be careful okay?”
“Of course,” he said with a handsome grin. “I’m always careful.”
“Okay. When do you think you should leave?”
“As soon as possible. It’s still morning, I could probably leave right now once I get packed up.”
“Okay,” Layne said, leaning against the table in the kitchen and trying to hide her displeasure. She watched him scurry throughout the cabin, packing quickly. His face was grim but determined, and she knew that he would do anything to keep her safe. It was a nice feeling, but she felt terrible about subjecting him to any potential dangers. Layne took care of herself and she always had.
But it was true, she had been feeling a lot weaker than usual, and never knew what she might throw up. If she hadn’t been having irregular periods over the last few years, she would have been able to tell just from that. But she couldn’t. She had lost a lot of weight, been extremely active, and under unbelievable amounts of stress, so missing a period was a pretty common thing for her. And she was secretly terrified of contracting an illness she couldn’t handle. It would be better to get someone there to examine her, even if that meant that Jax could potentially be subjected to danger.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he said, his dark eyes looking deeply into hers. She could read a million different things in his expression. He gave her a lingering kiss on the forehead and she found herself fully immersed in him, wishing that he wouldn’t have to leave. She wanted to go with him, but she knew that if she was sick she would be a liability to their safety.
“I know,” she whispered. She shocked herself by feeling the strong urge to cry. As if he could sense her feelings, he stroked her on the cheek and held her more tightly.
It was always difficult when he left; the world was so dangerous that she was never completely sure she would be able to see him again. But she had to think positively or else she would never make it through the next few days. Who knew how long it would take him to find someone to bring back to give her an examination? Who knew if he would even come back at all?