I throw my head back and laugh at Scarlett. She’s crazy, and I love it. The banter between her and the other girls is hugely entertaining. After Lincoln bought me back here, the other girls came over and decided to join in, too. It became a mini party at Slater and Ellie’s house, and it’s just what I needed. To take my mind off everything. Mostly ... Lincoln.

He’s doing my head in.

“So, you and Lincoln, hey?” Saskia wiggles her brows. “Juicy.”

“There is no me and Lincoln.” I laugh, sipping my beer. “He and I just don’t see eye to eye. We just go around in this love hate circle.”

“I wonder why you do that,” Ellie ponders. “I mean, there is clearly attraction there, you two practically explode when you’re near each other, but you both keep fighting it.”

She’s probably right.

We do fight it.

There is attraction.

But I’ve been in this position before, read it wrong, and got my heart torn out.

I don’t even want to read anything wrong again. If Lincoln and I aren’t getting along, and we fight more than we talk, then there is a reason for that. If we were supposed to be together, if there was a real attraction there, we wouldn’t fight so much ... right?

No.

No, we wouldn’t.

“I just don’t think it’ll ever work,” I say, changing the subject with, “How are you and Slater?”

Ellie tells us how good her and Slater have been, and how things seem to be working out for them nicely. She said she has been getting little flashes of memory back the more time she spends with him, but nothing set in stone, nothing clear, nothing to make her leap for joy and say she remembers. She tells us she is experiencing more nightmares now, because of her mind, and remembering more of what she endured when she was taken.

Poor girl.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse.

“Shania!”

I jerk and look around to see Malakai waving a hand at me. He’s sitting up on the porch with all the other men, and I see Mason and Boston have joined us now. I’d like to get to know the guys more; they seem really great.

I stand because Malakai is waving at me to go over. Ellie, Erin, and Chantelle get up and follow me, no doubt getting more drinks. Well, Chantelle isn’t, she’s way too pregnant, but the other two are probably doing top ups. I walk up onto the porch, avoiding Lincoln’s eyes, which I can feel burning into me, and smile at Malakai. “Hey there, boss man.”

He grins at me. Damn he’s fine. “How’s it going? Got some good news.”

“You do?” I ask, heart racing.

“Yeah, think we’ve got a lead on the girl you gave us, Yana. We’re goin’ to check it out in a couple days. Hopefully, we can snatch her up, and then we’ll be able to find Nicolai.”

I exhale and smile. “That’s awesome. Thanks so much.”

“Welcome, very much so. Can’t promise she knows anythin’, but it’s a start, which is more than we have right now.”

Yana.

I wonder what she’s doing these days. I last saw her when Nicolai kicked her out of the club after I ... After things went south. She left, promising that she’d make him pay for hurting her, but mostly, she’d make me pay. As far as I know, he never saw her again. But, she was a big part of the club, and in his life, so I’m hoping she overheard something at some point, knew something, anything that might help us find Nicolai.

Because with each passing day that I’m not finding him, I’m struggling. I need to know. I need to find him. I simply cannot live any longer feeling the way that I do. Sure, I’m happy, I’ve got a good life, I can’t complain, but it’s so incredibly empty. And until I sort this out, it’ll remain empty. My sarcasm covers up my pain, but my pain is there, so damned deep most nights I cry myself to sleep.

Which is something nobody knows except Lucy.

She’s the only person in the world who knows my demons.

“Got a glimpse of Yana from the pictures you took,” Lincoln says to Malakai. “Fuckin’ hot.”

My cheeks burn.

I know it’s an overreaction, but damn him.

Yana ... She ruined my life. At least, she tried very hard to. She did nothing but cause me problems, and he has the nerve to call her hot. I don’t know why it bothers me, but the boiling feeling in my chest, and the way my stomach sinks, makes me even angrier, because damn whatever stupid feelings I’ve managed to develop for Lincoln Knight.

I would swear what I’m feeling right now is ... jealousy.

I’ve already been with one man who put Yana first, I don’t need another.

Dammit.

I’m being petty.

“Thanks, Malakai,” I say, turning and walking down to the women sitting in the yard. My blood is boiling, and the green-eyed monster is attacking, good and strong, which just makes me feel stupid.

Damn Lincoln Knight.

“You okay, honey?” Charlie asks when I sit down, her eyes scanning over my face, her red hair practically glowing in the sun.

“Lincoln ... he just ... gets on my nerves. He always pushes my buttons.”

“What did he say? Want me to go up there and drop him? Because I will,” Charlie says, crossing her arms and then glaring up at Lincoln, who winks at her. “Ugh, what a douche.”

I can’t help but smile. “Thanks, but no, I can deal with Lincoln just fine.”

“Heard what he said,” Erin says, sitting down. “Obviously the girl they found, Yana, isn’t exactly on your favorites list.”

I shake my head. “No, she’s done nothing but cause me problems. Hell, I’m fairly certain she would have had me murdered if she had the chance.”

“Why?” Amalie gasps, her pretty lips parting.

“Because she was jealous. She was the best dancer the club had seen, she was Nicolai’s favorite, and then I came in and people loved me. I had the whole innocent virgin act going on, and then there was Nicolai and I ...”

“Tell us more about Nicolai,” Scarlett says, glancing up to make sure we don’t have extra ears listening in.

“I don’t know what there is to say. I feel so stupid about the whole thing, really, I do.”

“How come?” Saskia asks, crossing her legs and leaning forward.

“Because he only wanted me for sex. He wanted a trophy. And the worst part? He told me that. When it all started happening, he told me that was all he wanted me for. But I was eighteen, and I was obsessed with him, and I thought maybe him telling me that he wanted me meant he actually wanted me. He didn’t. He got what he wanted, I became more obsessed and, honestly ... I don’t want to talk about what happened after that.”

“Are you going to tell us why you want to find him so badly?” Chantelle asks, rubbing her belly.

My eyes zone in on it, and I’m so happy for her. Such a blessing. Such an incredible blessing. I don’t think people ever truly understand how much so.

“I’d rather not,” I say, because I’m so afraid of what they’ll say. I’m so afraid that they’ll judge me. I’m so afraid of feeling worthless, and pathetic, which is exactly how I feel about the whole situation.

Mostly, I’m scared they’ll think I’m a failure.

“You don’t have to,” Ellie smiles. “We all have things we don’t want to talk about. But ... you are safe, right? He isn’t going to hurt you?”

Will he hurt me?

Gosh, I honestly don’t know.

I’ve pushed him to his limit, so much so he took off and left me alone. With nothing.

So, is it possible he could hurt me? Maybe.

Do I think he will? Not so much.

“I don’t think so, honestly, he wasn’t aggressive, his damage was ...”

“Mental,” Scarlett finishes for me.

I nod. “Yeah, mental, but it was my fault mostly. He wasn’t dishonest with me, and I drove him to just become ... I don’t know, frustrated, crazy. After he left, I drank, did drugs. If it wasn’t for Lucy, my sister, I wouldn’t be sitting here, finally getting my life together. I was just a mess. A broken mess. I feel pathetic about it.”

“Well don’t,” Charlie says, shaking her head. “Trust me, we’ve all done shit we regret. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Maybe.

But when they find out what I’ve done, will they honestly still think that?

I don’t know that they will.

“Thanks,” I say, wanting to change the subject, to get away from the conversation that has my chest aching and feeling so damned empty that sometimes, I want to die. Just to make it go away.

We keep drinking and talking, and finally Ellie tells me she’ll take me home.

I’ve avoided Lincoln after finding out he only came to get me because the girls told him to. I’m not a pity party. I don’t want a ride home with him, I’d rather go with someone else. Anyone else.

“Leavin’?” he murmurs as I walk past him, Ellie in tow.

“Yep,” I mutter, not making eye contact.

“I’ll take you.”

“No, thank you. Ellie is taking me.”

Lincoln stands. “I said I’ll take you.”

I spin around. “And I said ... no!”

His jaw tightens, but Slater grabs his arm. “Let Ellie take her, bro.”

He glares at me but sits back down.

My heart aches, but I turn and look to Ellie, “Let’s go.”

I say thanks and goodbye to everyone and follow Ellie out the door.

“Shania,” she asks me as we’re getting into her car. “Are you okay?”

I look at her.

And for the first time, I honestly don’t know.

I just don’t know.

~*~*~*~