I’m angry.

And I’m trying so damned hard not to be.

So damned hard.

But damn it, I am.

I’m outside Nicolai’s door, trying to keep my cool, but mostly, trying to convince myself not to make a scene. Making a scene is going to do nothing but cause problems, and we don’t have time for problems.

Not when Tommy is involved.

But he needs to know what Yana is doing. He needs to know that she’s causing problems. And I need to know if he’s known where I’ve been this whole time. I need, more than anything, to know that. Because if he’s known, and he still chose to keep my baby away from me...I’m going to be pissed. To say the least.

Because he had no right.

I bang on the front door and wait.

A few minutes later, it opens and Nicolai appears. He looks shocked, and immediately turns around. And I can hear it. The tiny, handsome little voice that says, “Daddy!”

My son.

I bite my lip, desperately wanting to shove Nicolai to the side, and lay my eyes on my sweet boy. I want to see his face. Smell his hair. Hold him in my arms. But I’m also not silly enough to just fling myself onto him. He won’t know who I am, and I don’t want to confuse him. So, I say, in the calmest voice I can, “I’m not meant to be here, I know. But we need to talk.”

Nicolai looks pissed, but he nods and says, “Go wait at your car, give me five.”

I do as he asks, turning with great force, and walking back to my car and waiting. I lean my back against the door, wondering what he’s saying to Tommy right now. Is he telling him he’ll be back in a moment? That he needs to sit and watch television? My heart aches.

It burns.

Nicolai appears a few minutes later, striding towards me. He’s angry. I can see he’s angry. Well good, so am I. So fucking angry.

“What the hell are you doing here, Shania? I told you, fuckin’ told you, that I would call you. I told you I didn’t want you just turning up. So, tell me, why the fuck you’re here?”

“First of all,” I say, my voice calm, even though inside I want to scream and rip his damned eyes out, “I’m here because I have a fucking right to be, Nicolai. And you know it. I had a visit from your so called ‘friend’ Yana. I’m not happy about the things she told me.”

He exhales, running his hands through his hair. “Yana is fuckin’ crazy, Shania. I didn’t know she’d come to see you.”

“Well, she did. And she told me she’s pregnant with your baby.”

“She’s not,” he barks, “because I haven’t fucked her. Yana has lost it, and she’s trying everything she can to get back with me. She’s also trying very fuckin’ hard to get rid of you.”

“I’m fully aware of that,” I snap. “Because she told me a lot of crap, Nicolai. Crap I didn’t like. And honestly, it’s so hard for me after everything that has happened, to know if she’s lying.”

He growls low, and leans in close, “I don’t care what you think, Shania. I’m not lyin’. That woman has lost her marbles, and you can either believe it, or not.”

“So, you didn’t know where I was this whole time?”

“Yes, I did.”

Ouch. That hits me like a slap to the face.

“What?” I whisper hiss.

“Of course I kept a fuckin’ eye on you. You’re the mother of my child, I wanted to make sure you were okay. No, I didn’t come and approach you, because, honestly, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to have a fight with you, Shania. I knew, at least, I thought I knew, that’s what would happen. I knew if we got into it, you’d probably win, and my baby would be taken from me. I can’t live with that.”

Fuck.

I can hardly argue with him about that. Because dammit, I probably would have done the same.

“I can understand that,” I say, my voice a little less pissed. “But, you could have at least tried to talk to me.”

“No, I couldn’t. I didn’t trust your reaction. Last time we spoke, we wanted to kill each other, the hatred was that strong. I didn’t know after what I did to you, how you’d be. When you came here, I saw that you were okay, that you were willing to put him first, and it changed things.”

“I would have had a right to be angry at you, Nicolai,” I say, holding his eyes. “Hell, I still have a right to hate you, if it made me feel better.”

“You’re right, you do, but we both fucked up. Both of us. We can either hang onto it, or we can let it go and be good parents. I know which I’d rather choose. Because believe it or not, that little boy in there, is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’d rather die than to lose him. So, if that means my pride gets set aside, so be it.”

Dammit.

Nicolai has matured.

Well, to be fair, he’s always been mature. I was the brat. Not him.

He was always cool headed and smart. He treated me the way I probably deserved to be treated, considering how I acted.

I can’t fully blame him for that.

“I understand. But Yana is a problem for me, Nicolai. I don’t like her. I don’t trust her. She’s done nothing but cause problems for me. I don’t honestly want her near our son. I know that’s not my choice, but I really hope you understand it from my point of view, too.”

He nods, crossing his arms. “Get it, really fuckin’ do. I thought she was okay. We ran into each other, and she seemed like she had matured. But, turns out she hasn’t. Her and I got into it last night, when she tried to tell me lies about you, and told me she wants to raise our son and wants you gone. She got clingy. She’s not pregnant, and if she is, it ain’t fuckin’ mine.”

Should I believe him?

I hold his eyes.

And I know the answer to that.

It isn’t about whether or not I trust, or like, Nicolai.

It’s about the love he has for our son. I can’t deny that. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about him. He wouldn’t hurt Tommy, which means, I have no choice but to believe him over Yana. Because, at the very least, I know he’s the most likely to be telling the truth. For that very reason.

“Okay,” I say. “I’m sorry to have come here. I guess I overreacted. It won’t happen again.”

Nicolai studies me. “It’s okay. Look, you’ve waited long enough. Did you want to come in and meet Tommy?”

My whole world feels like it comes to a stop. This moment, this moment is one that I’ve waited for, for every single second. I’ve dreamt about it. I’ve thought about it with nearly every waking second. That boy, he’s the only thing that has kept me on my feet. And now I’m going to get to see him, to look into his eyes, to see the beauty we created.

My heart is racing.

My whole body is on high alert.

I want this more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.

“Okay,” I whisper. “Yes.”

“Just...let’s take it slow, okay? I’m not going to throw you in there and tell him who you are. Slowly, maybe every day, you can come over and we’ll get you involved in his life. And eventually, I think he’s going to know who you are, and we can work out some sort of joint agreement.”

That sounds absolutely fine to me.

“I’ll go with whatever you want, Nicolai. You’re the one who has taken care of him.”

Nicolai looks shocked, but also relieved at my words. Then he nods, and we turn and walk towards the house. I can barely breathe. With every step, I feel like my heart is going to stop it’s pounding that hard. I need to keep it together. I don’t want to scare my son away. I just want him to remember me in a positive light.

When we walk through the front door to Nicolai’s house, I actually think I might pass out from the nerves. But I keep it together.

I keep it together when Nicolai calls his name.

I keep it together when he stands and comes running over.

I keep it together when the most beautiful little boy looks up at me, and says hello.

I keep it together when I see he has my freckles on his nose, but otherwise he is the spitting image of Nicolai. I couldn’t be happier with that.

I keep it together when he takes my hand, and tells me to look at his truck.

I keep it together when I get to smell his hair as he leans down to play with his toy.

I keep it together.

Because my baby is home.