I’ve never felt so sick with anxiety in my life.

When we arrive after about an hour’s drive, to a beautiful home in the suburbs of the next town over, I’m nearly ready to pass out. The whole trip all I’ve done is wonder how this is going to go. Will Nicolai call the police? Worse? Will he refuse to let me see my son? Will any of this work out, or will I have to fight him for it? I don’t want to, but I will.

I’m done being pushed around.

That is my son, and while I would never take him from his father, I have every right to see him.

Nicolai didn’t give me a choice when he took him, so now I’m not giving him a choice either.

I stare at the big house, and it’s nice. It’s warm and cozy, and I can see little bikes and toys scattered across the front lawn. My son has a loving home, I can see that, and I’m not sure if I feel relieved or sad. Because a loving home is exactly what I wanted for him. Will me coming in here take that away from him? Is Nicolai giving him exactly what I wanted?

“Are you ready?” Lucy asks, tugging my hand to get my attention.

I look to her. “Am I doing the right thing?”

She studies my face, and then whispers, “Of course you are. He’s your son.”

“But what if he’s happy? Is it my place to come in and disrupt his world?”

“You don’t have to snatch him from his home, honey. You can go slow and steady, but yes, he has a right to know you. All children have that right.”

I swallow and then nod. I get out of the car and together, we all walk up to the front door. Lincoln surprises me by reaching out and squeezing my shoulder gently. As if letting me know he’s got my back.

But I already know that.

I already know they’ve all got my back.

I knock on the front door.

For the few agonizing minutes it takes for Nicolai to answer, I feel such an array of emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety, happiness, nerves ... it all blends and makes me feel lightheaded. But I take a deep breath and calm myself down. For my son’s sake, I have to keep my emotions in check. I can’t afford to ruin this for him.

The door opens, and Nicolai appears, standing before me.

He hasn’t changed a bit in the years that I’ve been gone. Granted, it’s only been a few, but he still hasn’t changed. The only difference is, here at home, he’s wearing a pair of jeans and a tight black tee. Instead of a suit. He looks ... good. Just as good as he always did. Nicolai is an incredibly gorgeous man, no matter what we went through, there is no denying that.

And seeing him, it brings it all back.

Not the feelings, just the shame.

Shame for the way I behaved.

“Shania.”

His voice is surprised. Like he honestly never expected I’d find him.

“Nicolai,” I murmur. “It’s been a long time.”

His eyes scan over everyone standing behind me, and he grinds out, “You brought the whole army.”

I swallow. “I didn’t know how you’d react.”

He looks back down at me. “React to what?”

“You know why I’m here. I want ... I want to see my son.”

His jaw tightens, and he stares at me, for so long, I’m wondering if he heard me.

“Before you tell me no,” I say softly, keeping my voice calm, “Hear me out. I’m not here to disrupt his life. I’m not here to take him from you. I know what I did, Nicolai. I know how I behaved. I know that our relationship was ... damaged. But he’s my son. And when you took him, you broke my heart. You tore it into a thousand tiny pieces. And I sunk. I hit rock bottom. But I’m okay now. I’ve picked my life back up. And I want to be in his life, all I’m asking of you, is that you give me a chance. That we work together.”

He crosses his arms, and I can see he’s filled out as he’s gotten older. Absolutely gorgeous. Which makes me wonder what my darling son looks like. Does he look like me? Or his dad?

“I didn’t take him to hurt you, Shania,” Nicolai says, his voice gruff. “I took him because you were going to take him from me, just the way I did to you. You weren’t going to give me a choice. You were so angry and broken, and you wouldn’t hear me out. I wanted my son. You had no right to make those choices for me. So I made it for myself.”

“I know,” I whisper.

I’m trying to fight the anger I’ve held onto for so long. I always thought when I found Nicolai, that I’d come in here, guns blazing, ready to fight or die for my son. I was so angry, hated him so much for what he did. But the moment I pulled up at this house, something changed.

I stopped thinking of myself.

And started thinking about my son.

Hating Nicolai, the pain I’ve carried around for so long, isn’t going to help anything.

The only thing I can do now is be calm and understanding.

It’s the only chance I have.

“I knew you’d find me eventually. I knew deep down, you were a good person, and you loved him, but I also knew you had to get yourself together before you’d do that. I wasn’t going to come looking. I wasn’t going to make it easy for you. Petty? Probably. But I was angry, too. You caused a lot of problems for me. But, he is your child. I was never going to stop you coming here.”

“You know, every day of the last few years, I’ve hated you, Nicolai. I’ve wondered what his life is like, if you’re good to him, if you’re being kind. I swore I’d find you and I’d get him back. But the moment I stopped in front of this house tonight, that changed. This isn’t about me, you, or the past. It’s about him, and what’s best for him. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want hate, I’m so damned tired of hate. I don’t want to hurt our son. I just want him in my life. However you think that can be done. Please, I can’t live a moment longer without him.”

He’s still hesitating. I can see it. It’s clear that he’s been prepared for this moment, that he’s thought about it. I guess he knew me well enough to know I’d find him eventually. Like he said, he knew I wasn’t a bad person, I was just ... in a bad place. But that doesn’t mean now, right now, that he’s going to be willing to hand my son over, even for a little.

And I guess, I guess I understand.

I’d probably feel the same.

“Can you give me some time to figure this out? To figure out how this is going to best work for him. He doesn’t know you, Shania. I show him pictures, I’ve told him who you are, but he doesn’t understand. He’s too young to understand.”

He’s showed him pictures.

My heart breaks.

Tears burst forth and run down my cheeks.

I don’t stop them.

“I understand,” I whisper. “Whatever you think is best. I can wait a little longer ... but, I need to know something. You and Yana ...”

“Are friends,” Nicolai finishes, his eyes holding mine, softening just a touch at my tears. “Only ran into her a few weeks ago.”

I want to scream with relief.

She isn’t raising my son.

Thank the lord.

“And are you ... seeing anyone?”

He shakes his head. “No, when I took Tommy, I decided to leave all the shit behind me. I stepped up, I took care of him, and I made sure he had the best life could offer. I haven’t had time for anyone else, and if I did, you can guarantee they’d be worthy of him.”

I’m crying harder.

“You named him Tommy?” I whisper.

He nods. “Yeah, after your dad.”

Nicolai knows I lost my dad, the only person who mattered to me. He also knew when I lost him was when my life started going bad.

The fact that he named our son after him makes my heart ache and explode all at the same time.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Nicolai nods, and looks to all the men behind me. “Next time, leave the army at home. I’m not the enemy here.”

I look to him, and nod. “Can I see a picture?”

Nicolai nods and turns, disappearing into the house and returning with a frame a moment later. He hands it to me, and I stare down at the gorgeous little boy smiling big in the photo. He looks exactly like his daddy, with dark hair, curling at the base, and bright green eyes. He looks so happy. He’s so incredibly beautiful.

“He’s ...” My voice cracks. “Perfect.”

“Yeah.” Nicolai nods. “He is. Give me your number, I’ll call you and we’ll work this out, okay? But the time isn’t tonight.”

I give him my number, and then murmur, “Thank you, for hearing me out.”

He nods, and gives me a small smile. “Thank you for finding him. Believe it or not, I want you in his life, Shania. Your demons. My demons. They’re not his. He shouldn’t have to live with them.”

Dammit.

I always thought Nicolai was the worst man I’d ever met.

But maybe, just maybe ... I was wrong.

Maybe, all along, I was simply broken.

And he just didn’t know how to fix me.