Chapter 55

Lanie

I rubbed my eyes, realizing I’d read the entire staff email Principal Stafford had sent out and not understood a single word.

“Okay,” I exhaled, leaning in closer to my computer screen. “Focus.”

And yet I couldn’t. Again, the words on the screen turned into mush. It was like I’d forgotten all the English I’d ever learned.

Dropping back into my chair in frustration, I looked around my office. For a while there, the place had begun to feel familiar. Now it didn’t. Now I felt like a stranger in my own life.

Wherever I went, I felt out of place. School. My home. My car.

On Monday, I must have spent a good two hours staring at the painting in my living room that Andrew had bought me, overwhelmed by competing urges to burn the thing or throw myself onto it, sobbing. In the end, I simply consumed half a bottle of wine and fell asleep on the couch.

I’d been avoiding my parents’ calls, and I faked being sick on Sunday night to get out of yoga and drinks with Erica. Usually, after a breakup, the first thing I did was run to my best friend. So often, she was the solace I desperately needed.

Erica always saw the positive side of things. When a guy broke my heart or simply disappointed me, she encouraged me to pick myself back up and move on. “He’s not worth it,” she’d tell me, and, “You’ll get over him soon.”

Usually, those words comforted me, but I knew that in this case, they wouldn’t. I didn’t want to get over Andrew. He was the kind of man I couldn’t forget.

I’d probably be thinking of him until the day I died, wondering how the rest of his life unraveled, wondering if he ever thought of me.

Tears filled my eyes, and I dropped my face into my palms.

No. I wasn’t going to cry. Not at work.

Sniffling, I quickly got up and hurried to the staff bathroom. There, I splashed cold water on my face until I felt incrementally better.

“It’s going to be all right,” I reminded myself, looking at my reflection as I did so. I’d heard doing mirror affirmations was supposed to make you feel better.

So far? No, it wasn’t for me so far.

Tossing the paper towel I’d dried my face with in the trash, I headed back into the hallway. It was the last day of school before winter break, and I was dreading the empty days to come. I hadn’t made any concrete plans, thinking I’d be hanging out with Erica, Andrew, and Raven.

That familiar heaviness forming in my stomach, I turned the corner for my office and stopped at the sight of Jason.

He stood in front of my door, looking like he was waiting for something.

“Jason,” I said as I approached.

He looked over in surprise. “I just knocked.”

“I was in the restroom.” I stopped in front of him, hoping my eyes were no longer red. “Did you want to talk?”

“Uh, yeah.” He stuffed his good hand into his pocket, looking bashful. “I mean if you’re not busy.”

“I have time.” I reached past him and pushed the door open. “Come on in.”

With him walking in front of me, I stole a moment to dab at my cheeks again, just in case. These days, I sometimes cried without knowing it. A few tears could have leaked out on my way down the hallway.

“Have a seat,” I told him, going around the desk myself.

He eased himself into a chair and adjusted his weight, still looking a little nervous.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

“Okay.” He started to smile, but it turned into a grimace. “I, um, I went and saw a therapist the other day. My parents thought it would be good.”

“That’s great,” I enthused.

I was praying this conversation would distract me from my heartbreak, mentally crossing my fingers in the hopes that Jason wouldn’t mention Andrew.

“Yeah. She’s cool, but Raven used to talk about you a lot. She said you were awesome to talk to.”

The words burned. How was Raven doing? Was everything still the same with her?

I cleared my throat and pretended to get busy clicking on something on the computer so that I could have a minute not looking in his eyes. “Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“I guess? The cast is coming off soon, so that’s cool. The doctor said I can play lacrosse this spring.”

“That’s good.” I’d pretended to search the computer screen for long enough. Smiling, I turned back to him. “And how about Raven? How are you feeling with all of that?”

He sighed, posture deflating. “I know it was my fault. I turned the wheel too hard. I just freaked.”

I bit down on my lip, close to crying yet again. With everything going on, I just couldn’t take seeing anyone in pain. “Oh, Jason,” I murmured. “It’s not your fault. You had a knee-jerk response. It happens to people who’ve been driving for years.”

“I know.” He twisted his lips, avoiding looking at me. “But I still can’t stop feeling guilty. I don’t know why.”

“That’s normal. People are often too hard on themselves. Think about it this way, okay? If one of your friends had been driving, or if Raven had been driving, and everything happened the exact same way, would you blame them?”

“No,” he said immediately.

“Exactly.” I let that sink in. “Sometimes, we can be a lot more forgiving of other’s actions than our own, can’t we?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “That’s true.”

“Are you going to see your new therapist over winter break?”

“Uh-huh. I have an appointment next week. And then my friends and I were gonna go snowboarding, but I don’t know if I’m going to. ‘Cause of my arm and I should be here for Raven, you know?”

“It’s not a crime to go and have a little fun. It might help you some.”

He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe.”

“It’s a long break.”

“Exactly. And Raven’s gonna be in the hospital for all of it. I need to go and visit her.”

The sentiment flowed from his words, and I couldn’t help but smile. Despite my initial impression of him, Jason was a really good kid. His sweetness couldn’t be ignored.

“Raven’s lucky to have you, Jason. I mean that.”

Smiling sheepishly, Jason ducked his head. “Thanks, Miss Jacobs.”

We sat in silence for a few breaths before he looked back up. “This is helping. I might go on that snowboarding trip. I just don’t want to make Raven jealous.”

“I think she’ll understand.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” His grin broadened, and a faraway look entered his eyes as he gazed at the window behind me.

“I think you’re going to do fine, Jason. You’re feeling pretty upbeat now, huh?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? Raven’s finally awake. I got to talk to her on the phone for a minute, and she said she doesn’t blame me. I know I have to make all this up to her, yeah, but she’s not angry.”

I found it hard to keep listening. My ears buzzed, and my tongue felt like lead. “Raven is awake? Wh-when? When did this happen?”

“This morning. You haven’t checked your phone yet?”

Heat crept up my neck. I’d looked at my cell phone no less than thirty minutes earlier. There had been no new messages.

“Mr. Marx texted me,” he further explained. “And Miss Conner let me step out of class to call him. He put Raven on the line. She didn’t sound that great, but she remembers everything that happened. She doesn’t have any brain damage.”

Jason’s face lit up as he talked about it. Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to feel.

Raven was awake! She was fine.

Thank god.

I briefly closed my eyes, gratitude washing over me. The doctors had said she’d wake up soon, but there had always been that fear in the back of my mind and probably everyone else’s. There was the chance that the medical staff was wrong, that Raven would never wake up.

But now she had. Everything would be fine.

Except Andrew hadn’t thought to let me know. He’d texted Jason, and I didn’t know who else but not me.

Jason was going on, oblivious to the hurricane in my heart. “Mr. Marx said today isn’t a good day to visit, since she just woke up. He said he’ll let me know if I can drop by tomorrow. Are you going soon?”

He stared at me expectantly.

“Um, yes,” I stammered. “I’m going as soon as I can.”

“Cool.” His grin made him shine.

The bell rang, interrupting us. I blinked, still feeling numb, still feeling confused. “What, um, which bell is that?”

“Last period. It’s break now.” Jason stood. “Hey, maybe I’ll see you at the hospital.”

“Yes. Maybe you will.”

He left, neglecting to close the door all the way. Out in the hall, kids shouted and laughed, the spirit of the first afternoon of winter break filling the school. Heart hammering, I got up and closed the door.

Turning, I took in a long breath. The light snow that started that morning had now doubled in size. The kids’ first day out of school was now going to be even more fun. Looking at the flakes coming down, though, I couldn’t summon any joy.

Raven is awake. Andrew didn’t tell me.

I knew that he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore, but I hadn’t thought he was going to exclude me from news on Raven’s well-being. Didn’t he understand how much I cared for her?

Dropping into my chair, I pulled out my cell phone. It could be he hadn’t texted because he was busy and he planned on calling me.

If that was the case, I couldn’t wait.

I just heard that Raven is awake, I texted. How is she?

I stared at the message for a long time, thinking about adding more. Anything else was too emotional, though, so I sent the text as it was.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, I put the phone down and closed my eyes. I still had some work to finish before I left school for the day, but how that was going to happen, I didn’t know. Focusing before Jason came in had been hard enough.

“Okay,” I whispered to myself. “Emails. You have to answer those emails. One at a time. That’s all it takes.”

Opening my browser, I logged into my school account and managed to write two responses before my phone buzzed.

My hands flew off the keyboard like it was made of fire. Snatching up my phone, I gulped as I read.

Yes, Andrew had written back. Raven is awake and doing well. It would be best if you don’t stop by.

Every function in my body must have halted. My heart stopped beating. My blood ceased to flow. No air entered my lungs.

It would be best if I didn’t stop by?

This was about Raven! Not about Andrew and his dumb belief that I was getting in the way of their relationship.

I felt the guttural sob coming, but it was too late to stop it. Thank goodness, the door was closed and kids still yelled and laughed beyond it.

Dropping my face into my hands, I let the tears come, not that I had any say in the matter.