Chapter 15

Matt

She was more than I ever imagined possible, and making love to her had to be one of the biggest highs of my life, but laying there afterward let worry set in. Was I too rough? Too aggressive? Would she think I was a cock for pushing her around and treating her like an object?

Had I treated her like an object? The thought caused my stomach to turn.

I turned to glance at the clock after laying there for what felt like forever. 3 a.m.

The sexy curves of her body just under the sheet called to me as she lay on her side, her breathing deep and peaceful. So much of me wanted to snuggle into the back of her and tell her that I was in love with her, but it was selfish. She wanted something in life that I doubted I could give her.

I hadn't done much with myself and at twenty-eight I was without a job, a defined future or a paycheck. I was still sucking off my father even though I'd made the decision after college to cut ties with his bankroll.

My pulse spiked as indecision ran through me and I bordered a panic attack just lying there. It was stupid, but with nothing to offer the beautiful woman beside me and her seemingly wanting everything in a man that I should have been, my flight syndrome kicked in.

Run. Just get up, get dressed and get the fuck outta here. You can tell her something came up with Damon or Dad. They'll cover for you. They always do.

No. I couldn't sneak out in the middle of the night, though everything inside of me was chanting for me to. I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair before getting out of the bed. After pushing through the various pieces of clothes on the floor for a few minutes, I found my underwear. I just needed some air. Erica didn't expect me to be Damon. If she wanted Damon, she'd fucking have him.

Or maybe she didn't because he didn't want her.

By the time I stepped out on the small balcony of her condo, I'd convinced myself that my brother was in love with my girl.

I put the phone to my ear and started to pace the six-foot concrete pad below me.

"Matt? What the fuck? You all right?" Damon's voice was thick with sleep.

"Are you in love with Erica?" I rolled my eyes as it came out of my mouth. What the hell was wrong with me?

"What? Are you drunk? Where the fuck are you?" I could hear him shuffling around.

"No. I'm in Seattle at Erica's place. I... I don't know. I just..." I closed my eyes and pressed my hand to the front of my face. "You're not into her, right? Because the two of you would be so good together. You're the kind of guy she deserves."

"What the fuck are you going on about? It's three in the morning. What happened? Find somewhere to sit your crazy ass down and talk me through what got you to this point."

I nodded and sat down on the edge of the wooden chair she had tucked in the corner of the patio.

"I don't know. I like this woman so fucking much, but I have nothing to offer her. I keep pushing her away because she deserves so much more than I have." I let my eyes move across the darkness and tried to find my center. Maybe I'd been pushing everyone away so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I wasn't enough. I didn't have shit to my name and I'd done nothing with my life. It was easier to pretend that wasn't the case, but with Erica lying in the next room expecting something of me today, I was stuck.

"And you think she should be with me?" He snorted. "Erica and I are work associates, Matt. Nothing else. She's not at all my type of woman. Does she look like Bethany to you?"

"No."

"Sound like her?"

"No."

"Right. Because she's not her. Bethany is the only woman I want in my life, all right?"

"Then why do you keep fucking it up?" I was grateful for the momentary shift in the conversation. Focusing on Damon's fuck-ups were rare, but caused a delight in me like a kid might feel at Christmas.

"Stop diverting. I'm working on a plan to get her back, all right? I know I'm a dick, and where she loves that part of me, I've been insensitive lately. I'll figure it out."

"Better hurry up. She's not going to wait around forever."

He snorted. "Why do you think Erica expects you to be like me?"

"I don't know." I stood back up and started to pace the floor again. "She has all her shit together. She's got a great job, a nice place and has made something out of herself."

"And she's also working in a job that she's great at, but doesn't even come close to letting her live out her dreams."

I bristled. "How do you know what her dreams are?"

"I don't, but I know yours, and she reminds me of you more often than you can imagine. If I were to guess, I would say her dreams were to create art and sell it. Am I wrong?"

"No, no, you're right." I stopped pacing and gripped the railing of the patio. "I've been in love with her since I met her two years ago. I thought initially that maybe my feelings for her would push me forward to do something with my life, but I've been floundering."

"No, you've been avoiding. You're not floundering. You're finally moving forward. You have spent so much time trying to stay under Dad's radar that you've not had time to do anything else. He doesn't want a cookie cutter of himself out of you, Matt. He wants you. He's already got me to lead his company when he's done and to give him shit on the golf course. He wants you to just be you, but stop trying to be something you’re not and fucking start living your life."

"By getting a job?" I knew I was poking at the bear.

"Would you getting a job make you more of the man you are inside? Would that define you, like my job helps to define me?"

"Fuck no."

"Then stop being stupid. Society says what you should do and you project that shit onto me and Dad as if we're judging you. There's only one person scrutinizing your shit and saying that you're coming up empty."

"Myself." I hung my head in shame. Damon was spot on. He always was.

"Exactly. What happened with Erica?"

"I slept with her."

"And? Was it everything you wanted it to be?"

"Yeah. It just tied me tighter to her, but I'm in the middle of one of those fight or flight moments. I usually tuck tail and run."

"That doesn't mean you're not a man, Matt, or that you're not strong and capable of making the right choice. It means that you've once again allowed yourself to fall into the trap of 'not good enough,' but you're the sorry mother fucker who's setting the standard, no one else. I'm pretty sure Erica would rather have you snuggled up in the bed with her than walking around her house looking for an exit. She's not thinking about your 401K or your net worth, or how many companies you're going to run in the future. She's dreaming about the things all women dream about."

"Love?" I sat back down as my heart softened and warmth filled me. I wasn't ready to make a commitment just yet, but Damon was right. I was the bastard holding the gavel in the court room of my worth. No one else, though it was so much easier to project that shit onto someone else. It left me free to simply be.

"Yeah, but companionship, marriage, kids and growing old with someone who gets you, Matt. You get Erica. You're both creatives. Can you imagine the life you could have together? That's why Dad and I push her at you a little, and it's why she's all up in your grill when she visits us. She sees it. We see it. Why don't you?"

"Can we talk about you and Bethany again?" I snorted and reclined back in the chair before letting out a long sigh and letting the tension slip out of my body. I was being irrational. Erica and I might have had feelings for each other for two years, but just because we finally relented and slept together didn't mean that we had to head to the church when she woke up. Neither of us was in a hurry to push anything too fast, right?

"We can, but I'd rather not dive back into depression." He let out a long sigh. "This place sucks without her here. Everything I eat tastes like shit, my job isn't fun anymore and to be honest... I don't wanna get up tomorrow morning and pretend that everything is good when it's not."

"Then fix it. You're a smart guy. Fix it."

"Yeah, it seems that way, but I don't think an apology would do much good right now, and I keep thinking to myself that she and I are going to have to overcome so much to have a life together. Between her working for me, and her mom marrying Dad... that's a lot, but I was so willing to do it."

"You still are, Damon."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure she is. I am who I am. I love sex, and I want that to be a huge part of our relationship. If she thinks I'm taking advantage of her by wanting her pressed against me every chance I get, then she's not the woman for me." He took a shaky breath as my heart ached in my chest for him. "I don't know what to do. I can't change this part of me, nor am I willing to try. It's the way I show affection. It always has been."

"I get that." I brushed my fingers by my lips. "How did you win her over the first time?"'

"Attraction. You know how it is when you first meet someone."

"No, not initially, but when she started to seriously move from lust to love with you. You know when that shit happens. Did you do something to show her that you weren't just a horny bastard with an attitude?"

He chuckled, but the sound fell flat. "Yeah. All that shit happened with her friends and I stood beside her quietly and gave her my strength and comfort."

"Good. Krista's trial is coming up. To have to testify in court when your best friend is up for attempted murder is a big damn deal. Be there for all of it and show her again the other side of you. She'll come back. I know she wants to."

"I hope so. I miss her like crazy."

"One more question and I'll let you go. Sorry for the crazy call."

"Anything you need from me, bro. You just need to ask."

"I was a little rough with Erica in the bedroom and you know that's not me outside of the bedroom. I don't want her to think I used her like an object or something."

"Women like strong men in the bedroom, Matt. You're the best of both worlds. Was she angry or upset during the sex?"

"No." I cleared my throat as desire raced through my center at the thought of how much she seemed to enjoy it. "No, she was good with it all from what I could tell."

"Right, and Erica is a great mix of docile and strong. She would have smacked you if you hurt her or left her feeling anything."

"And you know this because?" I bristled again.

"Because I'm a good judge of character. Stop being an idiot and get in there. Take things slow and try hard not to analyze everything in the light of your supposed failures. It's getting old, and you're the only one judging you. Get some sleep and call me later. Much later!"

I laughed and hung up the phone. I wanted to have something waiting for her to eat when she got up, and hoped like hell she'd let me spend some of the day working on my sketch of her for my art showing. It could be a relaxed fun day if I let it.

No quick decisions and no judging myself.

It sounded far easier than it felt.