Chapter 57

Lanie

“Ring it, Lanie,” Mom encouraged me.

Reaching forward, I rang the doorbell of the house half a block away from my parents’. The rest of the caroling group—mostly friends and neighbors of my mom’s, and none of them under fifty—bustled in excitement.

Footsteps sounded on the other side of the door, and then it opened, a white-haired man looking at us all in surprise.

“One, two,” Mom called out, and all six of us burst into a rendition of Jingle Bells. I mumbled along, hunching down in my jacket and wishing this was all over.

I just wanted to go back to my apartment, back to the bathrobe I’d lived in since school got out, and back to all the depression I’d been allowing myself to wallow in.

“Sing,” Mom hissed between her teeth, knocking her shoulder against mine.

I forced a smile and picked up the tune. The white-haired man was nodding and smiling, enjoying the show enough for the whole neighborhood.

“See?” Mom said to me after we wrapped up our three songs and were carefully stepping our way down the snow-laden walkway. “This is fun.”

“Yeah.” I was having about as much fun as I did at the gym on the rare occasions I went, but agreeing with whatever anyone said was just easiest.

We walked to the next house, fresh snow falling all around us and crunching under our boots. Though I couldn’t appreciate it personally, I could at least be objective and realize it was a gorgeous snowfall. Big, round flakes cascading through the dusk light were made even more lovely by the presence of the block’s sparkling Christmas lights.

At the last house, we repeated our repertoire.

“Is that all?” I asked.

Mom frowned from over her scarf. “I thought you liked this?”

“I do,” I lied, as Jane Fitz accidentally knocked over a plastic reindeer. “I’m getting cold, that’s all.”

“Oh, my baby,” Mom cooed, only half ironically. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and gave me a side hug. “You’re in luck. We’re done.”

Saying goodbye to the group, the two of us headed back to her house. My dad had scraped the drive that morning, and it was already covered in snow again.

“You’re staying tonight, right?” Mom asked as we entered the foyer. “It’s Christmas for six more hours, and there’s only going to be more snow. The roads are going to be so icy.”

“Yeah, I’ll stay.” Hanging my outwear on the hook by the door, I looked into the living room at the lit tree. We’d opened all the presents that morning, and nothing but a few missed scraps of wrapping paper now lay below it.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of the two wrapped presents in my apartment’s closet, ones I’d bought before Andrew broke up with me. A chalk art set for Raven and a vintage record of a jazz band Andrew loved for him. I’d gone to three stores before I found the record, and now, he’d never get a chance to play it.

“We’re back,” Mom called out cheerily. “How is it going in there?”

My dad, the man who could hardly make toast without burning it, had offered to get Christmas dinner started. Obviously, he was only looking for a way out of caroling. Not that I could blame him.

“When the recipe says one cup of milk, do I use the clear measuring cup or the white one?” Dad called back.

“The liquid one,” Mom called back as she stepped out of her boots.

Silence followed.

“Oh, goodness,” Mom murmured, rushing toward the kitchen.

In my back pocket, my phone sang. I pulled it out and checked the screen. Erica was calling on video chat.

I hesitated but only for a second. I’d been avoiding her for days, so it was about time I answered a call.

Slipping into the nearest room, which happened to be the half-bath, I answered.

“Merry Christmas, ho,” Erica answered. She wore a headband with reindeer ears on it. “I’m reclaiming that word from the patriarchy, by the way.”

I tried to smile but couldn’t manage it. “Merry Christmas.”

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

Straight to the point. That was the Erica way.

Sighing, I leaned against the wall. “Andrew broke up with me.”

“What?” Her squeal nearly shattered my eardrums, even through the phone.

“He said he needed to focus on Raven, and he didn’t have time for me.”

“Lord.” She rolled her eyes. “That man needs a real—”

“Heeeey!” Matt’s face suddenly appeared next to Erica’s.

“Not now, babe,” Erica sourly said, pushing him out of the way. “Go make me another hot toddy. Strong.” She waited till he was gone to look back at her phone. “Don’t worry. He loves it when I talk to him like that.”

I pressed my lips together, trying to stop myself from crying. “I know,” I wailed.

“Oh, Lanie.” Erica made a pouty face. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t think it will. Not this time. Andrew was different.”

“I know what you’re saying. He was special. But, hey, if the guy who made you feel the way he did isn’t for you, then just think about what it’ll be like when you do meet the right guy.”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my forehead, not in the mood for a pep talk. I was still mourning the relationship. Taking on a chipper attitude was a long way off.

A knock on the door made me jump. “Lanie?” Mom called. “Are you in there? Dinner is ready.”

“Just a minute,” I answered. I waited until her footsteps receded to address Erica again. “It’s dinner time. I should go.”

“Come over here after. We have enough whiskey to get us through the apocalypse.”

“Thanks, but I told my mom I’d stay here tonight.”

“Okay. Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Um, maybe.”

Erica pursed her lips and gave me a knowing look. “Lanie. Don’t stay holed up for too long.”

“Okay,” I agreed, not sure I could stay true to my word.

Saying goodbye, we hung up, and I joined my parents in the dining room. Mom had gone all out, lighting tall, white candles and creating a poinsettia centerpiece.

“How’s the turkey?” Dad asked as I took my first tentative bite.

“Good,” I mumbled.

Seeing as it was edible, he probably preheated the oven and Mom did the rest. I’d definitely inherited my cooking skills from her.

“Lanie, how are Andrew and Raven?” Mom pertly asked as she cut her turkey, fork and knife held in the perfect positions.

“Um, they’re fine.” I shot a quick look Dad’s way, but he was busy reading something on his phone.

“Bob,” Mom sternly said. “It’s Christmas.”

“Oh. Right.” He put the phone away and cleared his throat. “I visited Andrew at the hospital the other day, right before Raven woke up. I imagine he’s doing a lot better now. She doesn’t have any long-lasting damage.”

“Thank goodness.” Mom pressed her hand to her heart, and I looked down at my plate. This was not a conversation I wanted to be a part of.

“It hit really close to home for him,” Dad said. “Being that’s how, you know.”

I knew what he was about to say. Had my dad known Andrew’s wife? It was weird that I’d never asked him that.

It didn’t matter anymore. Andrew was long gone from my life. I needed to focus on wiping him from my brain’s hard drive.

“I’m surprised you’re not with them this weekend,” Mom said. I didn’t have to look at her to know the statement was directed my way.

I swirled my fork around in my mashed potatoes. “He’s spending this time at the hospital. You know, some father-daughter time.”

My throat tightened as I said the last part, and I took a quick drink of wine, both to fix my parched mouth and to continue to hide my face.

“It’s just a miracle that she came out of it,” Mom mused. “So wonderful.”

Dad grunted in agreement.

I frantically fought for a subject to switch the conversation to. Before I could ask about the trip they were taking in a couple of days, Mom spoke again.

“Other than everything with Raven, how are things going between you and Andrew?”

I couldn’t avoid her gaze any longer. “Fine,” I responded, hoping my fake smile was believable.

Her eyebrows arched as she ground pepper onto her beans. “Are you seeing a future there?”

“Janice, she doesn’t need to know so early.”

Mom clicked her tongue. “They put up such a stink about seeing each other, they have to be at least a little serious.”

“It’s only been a couple months. Not even. Give her a break.”

“I’m not pressuring her. I’m only asking.”

They were carrying on the conversation now without any help from me, so I got busy drinking more wine and staring out the window. My fingers tightened around the glass’ stem, and that throbbing ache had returned to my gut.

“I still find the age difference a little disconcerting,” Mom was saying, “Which is why I simply wanted to know if they’re getting any more serious.”

“His daughter’s been in a coma,” Dad answered. “I doubt Lanie and Andrew have had much time to talk about their relationship.”

I couldn’t take it any longer. “That’s right,” I cut in. “We really haven’t had that much time. Oh, hey, does that footbath you gave me need batteries? Or do you just plug it into an outlet?”

They took the bait, transitioning to talk about Christmas presents. Dessert rolled around, and Andrew and Raven had all been forgotten—for the time being.

“I’m feeling really tired,” I announced as Mom brought in the pie. “I think I need to go lie down for a while.”

Mom frowned. “You don’t want apple pie?”

“Maybe later.” I gave her an apologetic look. “But I’ll come out to do the dishes.”

“No.” She waved me away. “You just go rest.”

I didn’t need to hear it twice. Slipping out of the dining room, I retreated to one of the guest rooms on the second floor. There, I collapsed onto the bed and turned on the side light. It shone just enough to reveal the snow outside was still relentless. Nothing had changed.

Nothing would change for a long time.

The pain had been a rumbling volcano all through dinner, and now that I was alone, I finally erupted. Tears burst from my eyes, and sobs shook my chest. Turning onto my stomach, I buried my face into a pillow so my parents wouldn’t hear.

I’d cried over guys before but never like this. Andrew’s absence—his rejection, no matter that it was well intended—had created a giant void inside of me.

It would never be filled.