Chapter 61

Lanie

 

My second visit with Raven swam through my head as I pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot. The whole time I was at the hospital, I’d been worried Andrew would show up. Raven had assured me he was busy, but I still couldn’t shake the needling feeling on my skin.

As much as I burned to see him, I wasn’t ready for it yet and didn’t know when I would be. I still didn’t know what to make of our conversation the day before. Forgiving and forgetting seemed like the best choice, the thing I desperately wanted to do.

And yet I just couldn’t. Every time I thought of Andrew, I felt the sting of him shutting me out. How did I know he wouldn’t do that again the next time things became hairy?

Finding a parking spot close to the French restaurant Erica and I had decided to eat at in lieu of our usual Thursday at-home cooking, I left the heat blasting and dropped my head back against the seat. With my eyes closed, all I saw was Andrew.

How could this be? I couldn’t forgive him, and yet I was still too in love with him to move on. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I was about to turn the car off when my phone rang, its volume in the small space making me jump in my seat. I checked the dashboard clock. Ten till eight. I still had a few minutes till Erica and I were supposed to meet.

At the name on the screen, my stomach twisted. My dad never called to chat. He saved that for in-person visits. When he made phone calls, it was with specific purposes in mind. Either he had some exciting news to share or something had gone wrong.

“Hello?” I answered.

“You have a moment?” he asked, getting right to it.

“Yeah,” I cautiously said. “Is everything okay?”

“Of course. Why would you ask that?”

“Um, because you don’t really call to small talk, Dad.”

“Your mom is having a last-minute dinner party tomorrow. She wants you and Andrew to come.”
I inhaled between clenched teeth. “Oh.”

“It starts at seven.”

“I, um, that’s not going to work for us, Dad. Will you tell Mom I’m sorry?”

“You’re busy?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” I silently prayed the questions would stop there.

“Well, I’ll call Andrew and see if he can come.”

“Um, okay.” Had Andrew told my father what was going on with us?

“What’s going on, Lanie? You sound strange.”

I sighed. Might as well tell him before he corners Andrew.

“Andrew and I aren’t together anymore.”

A long silence followed the confession.

“Dad?” I fearfully asked.

“Huh.”

“Huh? That’s all?”

“What happened?”

“It’s a long story.”

And one I would probably never fully get into. Not with my parents, anyway.

“He never told me.” The offense in his voice couldn’t be missed. “Is this a permanent thing?”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. Without answers for even myself, I really, really didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Um, Dad, I kind of have to go. I’m meeting Erica.”

“Okay. Hey, Lanie.”

“Uh-huh?”

“I’m sorry about you and Andrew.” He cleared his throat. “You two were good together. I’m sure this isn’t easy.”

My heart warmed, and tears pooled in my eyes. My dad wasn’t usually a sentimental guy, which is why any signs of emotion from him meant a lot.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said from a thick throat.

“You sure you can’t come tomorrow?”

I thought about it for a moment. The tumultuous month had left me feeling drained. In such a state, I could only take so much human interaction. After two straight evenings with other people, I was going to need one off.

“I’m sure. Thanks, Dad.”

“Everything will turn out fine, kiddo.”

He hung up after that, which saved me from bawling over the phone. Dabbing at the few tears that had spilled, I left the car and stepped into the restaurant. The place was an extremely nice one, the kind of restaurant I would usually only eat at if my parents were taking me there. Erica had been wanting to try it for weeks, though, and I figured splurging a little bit on duck and beignets might make me feel better.

The place was small and cozy, resembling someone’s home more than it did a restaurant. Erica waved at me from a back table, and after handing my coat over to the hostess, I made my way past the crackling fireplace and the red drapes hanging over the windows.

My friend stood as I got closer and pulled me into a hug. “I already ordered a chicken liver pate.”

“Oh.” I smiled like that sounded good. Erica’s taste was a bit more adventurous than mine. I could probably eat sandwiches and Cobb salads for the rest of my life, and I’d be good to go.

I took a seat on the soft-cushioned chair. Our table was against the wall, close enough to the fireplace that some of its warmth reached my legs.

“How are you?” Erica asked, giving me a wary look.

“Um.” I bit my lip. “Not that great. Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Andrew—”

“No, don’t do that. You have nothing to apologize for.”

I started to answer, but a waiter was arriving with a bottle of white, and I didn’t like talking about something so intimate in front of someone else.

“I also ordered wine,” Erica explained.

“Looks good.” I took a quick look at the menu. “I’ll have the flounder,” I told the waiter.

“Skirt steak,” Erica ordered. “Medium, please.”

The waiter nodded and left, and Erica folded her hands on the table, her intense gaze back to me right away.

“I understand why you didn’t tell me about you guys immediately,” she further explained. “You needed some time to process it all.”

I sighed, fiddling with the row of silverware next to my water glass. “It was more than processing. I needed time to grieve. But guess what?”

Erica pursed her lips. “He came crawling back to you?”

“I don’t think you can call it that. He barely apologized.”
“What did he say?”

“He mostly talked about how dumb he is, and he said that he wants to try again with me.”

Erica guffawed. “You already tried.”

“Exactly.”

“What did you say?”

I felt my shoulders droop as my face also dropped down. “I told him I needed some time to think about it all.”

“Hm.”

Erica took a sip of wine, tasting it, thinking about things.

“I don’t know what to do. I want him back. Bad.”

She gave me a strained smile. We both knew it wasn’t as simple as that. Just because I desired a man didn’t mean he was the best thing for me.

“Here’s the thing,” I explained. “I don’t know if he’s trying to get me back because he really wants me or if it’s because he’s trying to make Raven happy.”

“Those are two very different things.”

“If it’s both, fine. Great. But if I’m just another gift to her to make up for things.” I shook my head. “No. I’m not doing that.”

“Did he say anything about what the future might be like? You know, if you do get back together?”

“We didn’t really get that far in the conversation. I kind of, ah, left.”

Erica’s nose scrunched. “It sounds like you don’t really want this, Lanie.”

“But I do!” Realizing I’d nearly yelled, I composed myself and spoke again. “I don’t want this situation. The one where I feel like I’m always going to be sitting around, wondering if he’s going to freak out again.”

“Hm.” She absentmindedly stroked one of her dangling earrings. “There is no certainty, though. Not really.”

“Don’t say that,” I groaned.

“It’s true. Two people can promise each other the sun and the stars, but things change. People change. No one wants to talk about that. They want to pretend two people can fall into this happily-ever-after fairy tale, but why would we even want to do that? Our ideals change over time.”

“You’re seriously bumming me out. Is this how you feel about your relationship?”

A smile played on her lips. “It’s something I’ve accepted, yeah. I feel great about me and Matt, but I know stuff could happen. There have been a few times where we almost broke up.”

“Right. Who could forget Miami?”

Despite my sinking heart, I had to laugh at that memory. Matt, Erica, and I had taken a weekend cruise. They’d been fighting for a few weeks—over what, I couldn’t remember—and on the last day of the cruise, she almost pushed him over the railing.

“Ugh. I’m still trying to forget about that.”

I giggled. “You guys forgave each other.” She shrugged. “That’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. There are things I never told you about.”

I blinked in surprise, feeling slightly offended. Erica and I had always shared everything with each other.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Sometimes it’s easier to deal with it yourself. You know that. You didn’t tell me about your break up right away.”

“Yeah,” I admitted.

The appetizer arrived, and we fell into a minute of silence as we tasted it. For me, that meant barely licking the pea-size pate on the end of my fork.

“This is pretty good,” I commented in surprise.

“Has Andrew gotten in touch with you since yesterday?”

“No, but I think I made it pretty clear I didn’t want him to.” I busily refolded the napkin in my lap. Keeping my hands busy distracted me from the aching in my body and heart.

“Forgive him, Lanie. Try again.”

A strangled little cry left me, making me sound like some kind of dying animal. “I want to.”

“But you’re afraid of being hurt again.”

“Yes,” I quietly agreed.

“Isn’t life going to hurt without him around?”

Until I meet someone else, I started to say, but I checked my tongue. Who on Earth could replace Andrew?

“All relationships have their ups and downs,” Erica continued when I didn’t reply. “You get to decide whether or not to roll with the punches. Sometimes it’s worth it, and sometimes it’s not. And you know that everyone makes mistakes.”

The look on her face dared me to argue.

“Yes,” I grudgingly answered.

“But I do get what you’re saying. It’s, like, a person can only take so many let-downs.”

“For real,” I huffed.

“What would it take for you to forgive him?”

I stopped the wineglass halfway to my lips and set it back on the table, having to really think about that one.

“I’d have to know that he wants to commit to me. Not now, I know, but one day.”

Erica nodded in satisfaction. “That’s great. You want confirmation that he’s in this for the long haul. Nice. Tell him that.”

I sucked in a long breath.

“Tell him,” Erica stressed.

“I will,” I promised her. It would take a lot of courage to be that honest, but then again, when did it not?

A dreamy look entered Erica’s eyes as her attention floated to the window behind me. “This might be a good thing.”

“Um, come again?”

“Mm-hmm.” She smiled wider. “It could be the test you need. If you guys make it through this, you can make it through anything.”

“Oh.” I absorbed that idea, one I hadn’t considered.

The more I mulled it over, the more it made sense, and the better I felt.

I’d waited years to meet a man I craved as much as I did him, a man who made me feel safe, secure, and loved, a man who could make everything right with a smile or a kiss.

I was going to be honest with Andrew. I was going to forgive him. I was going to open myself up and jump with my eyes closed.

Beyond that, I would have to wait and see what happened.