Connor

I’d been walking around, hardly able to breathe, for days. Alys was with another man—with fucking Xavier Johnson. She wasn’t just fucking him to get back at me. Something like that, I could maybe handle. I’d be able to forgive.

No, she was his woman.

Every time I thought about it, I would feel sick, my throat closing up around my airway.

I could see it in her eyes, too. She loved the motherfucker. When I realized that…I’d wanted to lie down and fucking die. Seeing it had fucking broken me.

Hatred, evil and searing, scorched its way through my head, my heart. I hated her for this. It wasn’t enough that she’d made me wait eight fucking years for her; she’d now moved on like she’d never cared in the first place.

You’re so full of shit, I told myself.

I had done this. I’d made it possible for her to move on.

I’d ignored her for months in an attempt to make her hurt as much as I did, and it had backfired splendidly, blowing up in a hot mess of regret and devastation.

I had destroyed myself.

That was why I had to show the world that I was fine, shoveling Thanksgiving dinner into my mouth when I had no appetite. My mom had even made me a bowl of ambrosia—something Da and Kenna could hardly stomach looking at. I’d always loved the stuff, but today, it tasted like everything else I’d eaten—flavorless.

Now that I was full and ill, I went in search of Alys to get her alone. I found her in the kitchen, helping Mr. Deveraux clean up some. Lili was nowhere to be seen, which was no surprise, but I’d passed Kenna on the way in as she was heading back outside.

Walking up to Alys, I wondered where X had gone off to. “Hey,” I said, lightly touching her upper arm, “can we talk?”

She looked up into my face, and I felt it like a punch in the gut.

“About what?”

She knew very well about what. She also knew I wasn’t going to say anything in front of Phil’s dad.

Her puffy lips mashed flat. I had the strongest urge to kiss them into a flushed rose. They’d be soft under mine, and I’d suck on her fat bottom lip until she moaned.

“Go on, Alys. I’ve got it covered here,” said Mr. Deveraux—Louis.

Alys tossed the rag she’d been holding on the counter and threw me a nasty look. “Sure.”

She marched toward the front of the house, wrenching open one of the double doors, and stomped down the steps. She looked amazing in that baby-pink dress.

I didn’t think she’d appreciate it if I told her, so I didn’t.

“Where can we go to smoke?” I asked, pulling out my stash of joints from my pocket.

“My car.”

So, I followed her to her SUV and got into the passenger seat.

When she shut the driver’s door behind her, I sparked the spliff and handed it over.

“What do you want, Connor?”

You. Only you. Forever you.

“What are you doing, Alys?”

“I was helping Louis—”

“You know what I mean.”

She sucked in a sharp breath, her nostrils flaring and fury exploding in her hazel eyes. “I’ve moved the fuck on.”

“You can’t be in love with him, Alys. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.”

She toked on the joint. “I do love him. He makes me happy.”

“What about us? What about the last eight years—”

“That you walked away from?” she shouted. “That you threw away in a fit of fucking juvenile bitchiness? I called you, texted you, fucking emailed you, and you ignored me every single fucking time!”

“I know, but—”

“You have some fucking nerve! You treated me like fucking garbage, Connor, and now, you’re demanding answers from me as to why I’m in a relationship with someone else. How dare you!”

“You wrecked me!” I shouted. “You kept me at arm’s length for fucking years! I did everything you’d asked of me, and when I couldn’t take it anymore, you upped and found someone else. Fuck that! I gave you my whole fucking heart!”

“Then, why did you ignore me?” she screamed.

“Because you needed to know how I had felt for the last eight years, waiting for you to be brave enough to let everyone know you were in love with me!”

“I did feel it! I was right there with you, every single step of the way! I felt the loneliness, the heartache for not being with you the way I needed to be! I fucking felt it!”

It was like she’d punched me in the nuts. The air whooshed out of me, and nausea fired up my gag reflex. Frantically pulling open the door, I stumbled out and found a gardenia bush where I hurled up every fucking bite I’d eaten.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” Alys asked, hurrying over to me, whisking the hair from my face.

Another wave emptied the last of the food from my gut. Alys was there, holding my hair, rubbing my back.

“I’m not, Alys,” I croaked. I spit out some of the foul taste in my mouth. “I’ll never be okay if you’re not with me.”

“Come on. There are some mints and a bottle of water in my car.”

At least I hadn’t puked on myself.

Back in the SUV, Alys dug out a tin of Altoids from the glove box and a warm bottle of water from the backseat.

“Connor…”

My mouth burned from the mints, so I tried to wash it down with some of the plastic-tasting water. “Is this what you really want?”

She sighed. “I was doing just fine until you came home.”

“What do you mean?”

“What the fuck do you think I mean? I accepted that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore—”

“That’s bullshit. I was mad. I figured, giving you the fucking silent treatment until I came back would—”

“Would what? Set me straight? Show me what I had been missing?”

“Something like that.”

“I missed you every day we weren’t together, Connor. But I at least had you to talk to. When you cut me out of your life, I lost myself to grief. X…he just wants to make me happy. And he does. I don’t know if it’s what I want, but…right now, he’s what I need.”

If I hadn’t just upchucked everything, I would have right now.

I’m supposed to be what she needs. I’m supposed to be the one who makes her happy.

“Are you in love with him?” I whispered, unable to use my voice more than that.

“I don’t know. Sometimes, I think I am.”

“Just sometimes?”

“If you’re asking me if I’m still in love with you, the answer is yes. I think I’ll always be in love with you, Connor. But that doesn’t mean we should be together. We hurt each other so much. I know it wasn’t always on purpose, but I feel like I’m in a good place right now. I love X, and he makes me feel…safe.”

She lit up the joint again, took a few hits, and then handed it to me.

“One day, I hope you can stop hating me,” she softly said.

Then, she opened her door and left me as alone as I’d left her.

I didn’t deserve her.

And, now, I had to figure out a way to go on with my life without her, without letting the world know that I was dying a slow, painful spiritual death. No one knew about what we’d had. It was as though it never really existed.

For as long as I wasn’t half of Alys, I would never be whole.

I might never be whole again.