Alys

Life had to go on, but, fuck, it was hard and heartbreaking. On the surface, I acted as though nothing were wrong, but the truth was, I was devastated. X was, too, and he blamed himself.

“I asked too much of him,” he brokenly whispered when I told him Connor was no longer involved with us. “I never should’ve asked him to fuck me, Alys. If I hadn’t—”

“No,” I said. “This was going to happen sooner or later. He…he told me that he wanted me to choose him.”

X tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Why didn’t you?”

Surprised, I fully faced him, looking into his bright blue-topaz eyes. “Why do you think I would have?”

“Alys…I know how much you love him. You two have a connection that is soul deep. It’s not like that between us.”

“What are you saying? That we’re not supposed to be together? That I’m supposed to be with him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You…X, I have experienced more pain at the hands of Connor MacGregor than anyone else in my life. You don’t judge me, you don’t try to force me to do anything I don’t want to do, and you have never hurt me. You go out of your way to make me happy, to show me things about myself I’ve never even considered before.”

“But I don’t make you feel the way he does.”

I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to his. “You make me feel enough. I feel loved and safe and cherished. Not all of us are meant to have the Phil and Kenna experience. Some of us aren’t made to handle it.”

He pulled me into his arms. “I love you, Alys. You’re the only woman I’ve truly ever loved.”

“I love you, too.”

No, it wasn’t the same kind of love I felt for Connor. But it was love, sexual attraction, respect, and adoration, and that was more than many people had in their lifetime. Maybe I really wasn’t strong enough to handle the love between Connor and me. But X gave me everything I needed, and he did so selflessly.

Connor became a vicious nightmare that I couldn’t escape.

In front of our friends and family, our relationship appeared as normal as ever. But, if we found ourselves alone with each other, he was frosty, even downright mean. My emotions were all over the place.

Living on the tour bus exacerbated this.

That was when I realized that he wasn’t like that with X. If anything, Connor and X were as good as ever. They could be found hanging out, playing video games or cards, or jamming together in between shows.

And then there were the groupies. He never brought them on the bus—thank fucking God—but when we stopped at a hotel, he would make it a point to show me that he was indulging in wild sexcapades.

I was jealous. I had no right to be, and I hated the fact that I was. I had a great man by my side, one who gave me everything I could ever want, and here I was, jealous of every groupie Connor had brought into his rooms.

I was miserable.

Just when I desperately needed a distraction, it showed up in the form of Phil’s ex and Swiss bombshell, Brigid Von Deitrich. Kenna needed me, and having a cause to fight for really gave me the chance to just put Connor out of my mind. I blew off my steam by ranting to X. I was pretty sure I needed to vent about something, and he couldn’t care less if it was about Phil and his idiocy, just so long as I felt better.

By the time we got to Miami, shit seemed to be smoothing out between Phil and Kenna, but then Kenna upped and flew back home in true Kenna fashion. No one saw Phil all day, and the rest of NOLA’s Junk had no idea what the fuck was going on.

Poor Tim was having a mental breakdown in his hotel room, and Sheri threw up her hands and decided to fucking enjoy herself and not worry about any of it.

Coconut Grove was a little gem of a place. An artsy, grungy, hippie mecca for hipsters looking for an authentic experience. As tourists, we found it enchanting. Connor was no stranger to it though, and I got the feeling he was just pandering to the rest of us.

Lewis wanted to check out a swanky restaurant called Tango’s in the heart of the Grove. So, that was how I found myself drinking top-shelf cocktails in my jeans and tank top and chowing down on an abundance of tapas with Lili, Lewis, X, and Connor.

With the infamous fucking Quinn sitting directly in front of me.

Well, the others didn’t know who Quinn was, but I knew she was the one Connor had had sex with that night he went to Tobacco Road all those years ago.

I wanted to toss my expensive cocktail in her beautiful face and light her on fucking fire.

What was even more awful was that Connor would not keep his hands off her. They were canoodling, nearly porn-style, their hands slipping between each other’s legs beneath the table, groping each other.

At one point, I caught Lili’s eye, and she made a gagging face into her martini glass. It made me feel better, knowing I wasn’t the only one nauseated by the blatant PDA.

Connor was saying something hilarious to X, and the two of them were cracking up, making me resent the both of them. If X knew of all the mean-ass shade Connor had been throwing my way behind the scenes, I didn’t think he’d be laughing with the guy much.

The thing was, I couldn’t bring myself to be a little bitch and tattle on Connor. Nor could I willfully cause a rift between the band members. No matter how much I wanted to lash out at Connor, a part of me still loved him, was still so proud of all he’d achieved, and I would be damned if it was taken from him on my account. No matter how badly he’d hurt me, I wasn’t spiteful.

Unlike him.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and with relief, I slipped off my high stool and turned my back on the lot of them. Kenna’s number glowed on the screen.

“Hey, Sweet Pea!” I said, forcing a note of happiness into my voice that sounded fake to my own ears. “Did you make it home all right?”

“Yeah, I just got here. What’s going on?”

“We’re out having food and fun, which you should be here for!”

I need you! My head and heart screamed. I need you here to keep me sane, to help me hold it together, while I hide the worst pain of my life from the world.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with Phil. Is he with you guys?”

“No. I haven’t seen him all day.”

I could practically feel Kenna’s misery through the phone, compounding my own. She had her own shit to sift through. If she was strong enough to deal with it on her own, then so was I.

Our conversation was short, and after we hung up, I made the excuse of needing the restroom and scampered off.

Sneaky ninja Lili followed me into the tiny two-cubicle restroom.

“Jesus Christ,” she complained. “If I have to sit there, watching Quinn jack Connor off any longer, I’m seriously going to upchuck all that overpriced food on them. Wanna sneak out to Fat Tuesday?”

I stared at her in astonishment for a few heartbeats. I’d been so stupid, thinking I was alone, that I was hiding my misery from the people I loved the most. Lili, like Kenna, was always there for me. I had no idea how much she knew, but she did know I was hurting and that Connor and Quinn were the reason.

“Yes.”

“Do you really need to use the toilet?”

“No.”

“Then, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

With stealth fueled by self-righteous indignation, Lili and I weaved through the maze of high-top tables and stools, swerved between knots of hipsters, and beelined out the front door. Across the open-air walkway was Fat Tuesday, the Mardi Gras–inspired frozen drink depot that promised quick and thorough intoxication.

The place was decently filled, and even though it was completely open, I was confident we’d get lost in the crowd. I felt a little guilty for ditching X, so I sent him a quick text, telling him I needed some air. He sent me back a heart.

We found a couple of seats squished into the corner of the bar and ordered two massive 190 Octanes, a delicious blend of orange slurpy goodness that masked the taste of the 151 rum so well that we knew we were in trouble of becoming shit-faced.

“Maybe we should try to pace ourselves,” said Lili, surprising me. “I have no idea how to get back to the hotel. Do you?”

“Nope.”

She sighed. “I don’t know how these guys spent years touring. It was exciting when we first started, but now…this shit sucks, man. Everyone’s all up in everyone’s shit. Hearing Jason and Sheri having sex. Flipper’s knack for forgetting to put on pants. Jason’s toxic BMs polluting the bus air—”

“I think his digestive tract is in shock. It’s all the veggies he’s being force-fed.”

“Not to mention, the drama that is Phil and Kenna. Remember when she was a boring workaholic with no desire to involve herself with the living?”

I snorted into my 190 Octane.

“I almost miss those days.”

“What about me and X? What complaints do you have about us?”

“He’s too ginger.”

I busted out laughing. “That’s it?”

She shrugged. “He’s good for you. Out of all the guys, he’s the easiest to live with. He’s funny. He’s not a quiet person, but he’s not in anyone’s face. He seems really well-balanced.”

“And Connor?”

“I love the guy like a brother, Alys; you know that. But you’re stupid if you think I haven’t noticed him being rude to you. What happened? Is it because you’re with X?”

“It’s nothing really. You know how much of an asshole he can be when he’s in a mood.”

Lili scowled, letting me know she didn’t buy it for a second, but she let the matter drop. “I’m worried about Tim.”

“Why?” I asked.

Truth be told, we hardly ever saw the guy. He worked in the upper level of the bus almost exclusively.

“He looks like he’s a hair away from having a heart attack. I think he was counting on the guys being more manageable with us women on board. Instead, there’s all this other drama, and I don’t think he knows how to handle it.”

“Yeah, but Sheri is thriving and taking charge of most of that.”

We drank in silence for a few minutes.

Then, Lili quietly dropped a bomb. “You know Connor is bringing Quinn for the rest of the trip?”

My head whipped around so fast that I got a crick in my neck. Wincing, I rubbed it out. “Are you serious?”

“I heard him talking to Sheri about it earlier. Sheri said it was all right. It’s only fair, I guess. He’s the only one without someone.”

My heart felt like hot lead in my chest. I couldn’t even feel it beating.

“Is she his girlfriend?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

I shook my head. “Nope. He’s got as much right as anyone else to have someone with him on the bus.”

We finished our Octanes and ordered two more.

“So much for pacing ourselves,” drawled Lili.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but at one point, we ducked our heads low when we spotted Connor walking out from the restaurant alone, looking around. He pulled out his phone and clicked at it for a few seconds, and then I felt mine vibrate in my pocket.

Fucker.

Then, he went back inside. I slipped my hand into my pocket, and Lili leaned over my left arm to read the text with me.

Connor: Where are you?

“You gonna answer?”

“No. I let X know I needed some air.”

“Yeah, I told Lewis the same.”

“So much for us being sneaky ninjas. I guess they didn’t let Connor know.”

“Do you want to finish these drinks and catch a cab back to the hotel?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

We finished up and sent messages to our guys, letting them know what we were doing.

“Maybe it’s a good thing Quinn’s coming though,” said Lili as we waited for a taxi to show up in front of CocoWalk. “Connor’s mood is bound to improve if he’s getting laid on a daily basis.”

Yeah, but mine won’t.

My mood didn’t have to improve though. Not a day on the road, and Lili lost her shit on Connor and Quinn in a very loud, very Lili sort of way when she busted them dry-humping on the couch.

 

I was sitting at the kitchen table, my back to the tableau, crunching the numbers that had been accrued over the last few days. To my mild shock, Jason had racked up a substantial tab at the smoothie bar in the hotel. It explained why he had been spending even more time in the bathroom.

When the sounds of moaning and tongue-sucking got to be too much, I popped in my earbuds and cranked up the volume on the iPod X had gotten me for Christmas, blasting Sepultura’s Roots. Before long, I was lightly headbanging over my laptop, my fingers flying over the number board.

I barely heard Lili shriek, “Seriously!”

Not knowing what was going on, I yanked out my earbuds and craned my neck around to see Connor on top of Quinn, frozen on the couch.

“What?” snarled Connor.

“Have you no fucking respect for the rest of us?” demanded Lili. “Even Jason and Sheri have enough common decency to keep this sort of shit in their fucking foxhole! It’s ten in the goddamn morning. Alys is sitting there, working, and you two nasty douche bags are going at each other like a couple of beasts on the communal fucking sofa! Fuck, Quinn! Your fucking tits are on display for fucking everyone to just gawk at!”

My eyes popped open wide. From this angle, I couldn’t see Quinn’s tits, but Connor’s neck and back had gone a nuclear red.

“If this is the sort of shit you want to do, go join the fucking Cannibal’s tour bus,” Lili hissed scathingly.

Phil appeared from the hallway. “She’s right, man. Keep that shit in your foxhole. Your sister don’t need to see that.”

Connor sat up, and Quinn yanked down her shirt over her huge tits. Thoroughly humiliated, with tears pooling in her eyes, the skank got up and ran to Connor’s bunk.

When he glanced at me, I knew in that instant that the whole thing had been put on for my benefit. Throwing him a look of disgust, I turned back to my work, put my earbuds back in, and let Max Cavalera scream away my irritation.

 

After that, I was spared further scenes of Connor and Quinn in beast mode. As if to make it up to Lili—because Lili truly terrified all but Kenna and myself—Quinn became the resident maid, scrubbing everything in sight on a daily basis. And Connor eased up on the nasty attitude, even when we found ourselves alone with each other, which was next to never.

But then we made it to Las Vegas, and thank God because I was so ready for this tour to come to an end.

The day after the last concert, Kenna, Lili, and I were enjoying a few beers with Sheri and the guys—minus Connor—in one of the bars in the Bellagio when Lewis sauntered up to our booth.

“I landed us reservations in an hour,” he informed us.

“Awesome. We should get cleaned up,” said Lili, hopping to her feet. “You coming?” she asked Kenna and me.

I slithered out from X’s arms. “Yeah.”

Kissing Phil good-bye, Kenna joined us, and the three of us headed up to our suites.

“Does Connor know about dinner?” Kenna wondered.

“We can always find out,” I replied.

So, we steered toward his room, and as Kenna banged on the door, we heard boisterous laughter and a muffled crash.

“What the hell is he up to in there?” I nervously laughed, a little afraid to find out.

It took him a minute, but he finally answered the door, a sheet wrapped low around his waist. It was the first time I’d seen him out of his clothes in such a long time that I couldn’t control my eyeballs. Stunned, I looked him up and down, missing every inch of him with a sudden, sharp ache.

“Hey,” he said, his voice so deep and husky that I fucking felt it like a caress between my legs.

“Hey,” the three of us replied.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“We got reservations at that fusion restaurant,” I said.

I should’ve kept my mouth shut and let either Kenna or Lili tell him. His attitude went from snarky to douche canoe in point-oh-seven seconds.

“So?”

Lili bristled and snapped, “So, Lewis got us a table for thirteen at a posh-ass restaurant.”

Then, to my absolute horror, a naked brunette snuck up behind him and wrapped her skinny arms around him. I had no idea who she was. She wasn’t one of NOLA’s groupies. The pain in my heart was so intense, I gasped.

He turned his cold eyes on me. “I’m busy. Maybe next time.”

“Next time?” I echoed. White spots were dancing in front of my eyes.

“Connor!” whined Quinn’s voice from inside the room.

Holy shit. He has no problem having a threesome so long as it’s not with me.

Kenna snorted. “Dude, tell me you’re using protection.”

“Seriously, Kenna,” he replied with an eye roll.

Sulky and saccharine, the brunette pouted. “Come on, Connor. We’re having fun. Don’t go.”

He grinned like a dipshit. “You heard the little lady. Gotta go.”

Before I could stop myself, “Who is she?” vomited out of my mouth on the air that got ejected from my lungs.

I could feel the nasty rise inside him like a violent tide.

“What business is it of yours?” he snarled before slamming the door in our faces.

Waves of pain and humiliation rushed through me, heating my chest, neck, and face.

“What was that all about?” Lili asked me.

I found the strength within me to turn my mortification into fury. “Fuck if I know. Come on. Let him live the life of a fucking rock star, the douche.”

Without another word, I hauled ass down the hall, to the suite I shared with the man who never, ever treated me like trash. Who had not once made me feel unloved and unwanted.

Inside X’s and my room, I slammed the door behind me and broke the fuck down over Connor for what I swore to myself would be the last fucking time.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” X asked as he shut our bedroom door.

I hadn’t even heard him come into the suite. He sat down next to me on the bed and pulled me into his arms.

“Fucking Connor is a douche bag!” I wailed. “He fucking tore me a new one in front of Kenna and Lili and embarrassed the hell out of me.”

“Why?”

“Because he was banging Quinn and another chick in his room when we went to ask him if he wanted to come to dinner with us.” I sniffed. “I guess I was surprised, and I asked him who the other one was. He got nasty and told me it was none of my fucking business—which it isn’t but still. Ever since he ended it between the three of us, he’s just been so fucking awful to me.”

I fucking broke down and told X all of it.

“I’m so sorry, Alys. This is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault he’s a fucking asshole,” I snapped, defending X to himself.

“Yeah, I think it is. Before I turned it into a threesome deal, you guys were all right. This is on me.”

“We could’ve said no. We didn’t.”

“And I could’ve not asked.”

“I just don’t know what to do. He made his decision to end it, so there’s no reason for him to be such a jerk.”

“He’s hurtin’, Alys. You chose to stay with me instead of bein’ his. He’s just bitter, and he needs to take it out on you to make himself feel better. I could kick his fuckin’ ass for treatin’ you like this, babe—although I think you’d have an easier chance of that than me. But, still, why didn’t you say anythin’ before?”

“Because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me.”

Inside me, everything went quiet.

“Do you regret choosing me?” X softly asked.

“No,” I replied, my voice forceful. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He stroked my hair and held my head to his chest.

The beat of his heart was soothing, and I relaxed into him.

I love him.

Maybe it wasn’t the mad, wild sort of love I’d once had with Connor, but that didn’t mean it was any less significant or real. If anything, it was better—healthier—because I couldn’t lose myself fully to him.

“You know what I want?” he asked.

“What’s that?”

“I want to marry you, Alys, so I can spend the rest of my life showin’ you just how important you are to me. I want to make sure you’re taken care of and loved and that you never doubt what an amazin’ woman you truly are.” He took a deep breath. “Will you marry me? We can sneak away after dinner and just do it.”

I held my breath, unable to fully process what he was asking. I was scared and thrilled and just in awe that X wanted me forever, just as I was.

“Yes.”

What am I saying? something more fundamental cried out in protest.

My heart skipped for joy, but my soul…

My soul is silent.

“Yes,” I repeated, beating down the empty echoes deep inside me.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, hugging him tight. “Let’s get married.”