Alys

End of Summer 2000

“Maybe I should just go to Lafayette,” Connor said, keeping his voice low. “Miami is so far away. I wasn’t thinking. I could still transfer in time.”

Every summer, I would come home and stay with my parents. It was less than a mile from Kenna’s house, and while I spent the night on Kenna’s futon a lot, the nights when Connor and I couldn’t bear to be apart, I would stay home.

Connor would spend all those nights with me. He’d borrow Gloria’s car, park it down the street where no one could see it, and sneak out before dawn to make sure his mom would have the car when she got up to go to work.

“No way,” I said. “You worked too hard to get into the music program.”

“Yeah, but we’d be together.”

“We’ll be together after. Besides, I think it’s too late. You’d have to go this year anyway.”

“I could transfer—”

I sat up, looking down onto his moonlit face. My beautiful, wonderful man. I loved him so hard; I ached with it. The thought of him going to Miami was killing me, but no way could I let him destroy this opportunity.

“No,” I said, keeping my voice soft. “Connor…you need to go.”

“Not as much as I need you, Sunshine.”

He’d turned eighteen just a few weeks ago, but to me, he’d been a man for so long. Over the years, he’d matured into a thing of beauty, and the fact that he’d given his heart to me…well, that was just the most humbling thing in my life.

“I will always be here for you, Connor. But this is something you need to do, more than you need to be with me. It’s that simple.”

He sighed, reaching up and cupping my face in his large hand. “Nothing’s ever simple with us, Alys.”

“No, I guess not.”

“I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m no longer a minor. You can’t get into trouble.”

“There’s no point in telling anyone right now.”

“Why?”

Frustrated, I pulled away from him. “You’re going to Miami in a few days. I’m heading back to Lafayette. What’s the point of declaring ourselves when we won’t even be in the same damn state? You’re going to a city that is filled with so much prospect. I can’t ask you to be faithful to me, not when you’re going to find a band to be in and play gigs with chicks throwing themselves at you all the time.”

He sat up, stunned. “Have you been sleeping around in Lafayette?”

“No! But I’m trying to be realistic here, Connor! You’ve got a few years ahead of you where you can just be…free. No family. No obligations to anything but your education. Miami is fucking insane with music, people, and experiences. I don’t want to hold you back from any of it.”

“What are you saying?”

“I just…I don’t want our relationship to stop you from experiencing everything you can. If you get drunk one night and get laid, I don’t want you to freak out because you’re holding on to this.”

“You’re the only woman I’ve ever slept with, Alys.”

“And you’re the only man I’ve slept with. But, from here on out, we’re going to be very far from each other, and…I just think maybe keeping our options open would relieve some stress from the whole situation.”

“Is this what you really want?”

“What I want more than anything is for us to come back together after you’ve graduated and tell every person we know that we’re in love and that we have been for practically our whole lives. I want to marry you and have your babies—all of it. But I want us to be able to do that knowing that we’ve experienced all that we could while we could. That we never held each other back.”

“Am I holding you back?” he whispered, breaking my heart.

“No. You’ve never held me back, but, Connor…I’ve been holding so tightly on to you, terrified you’d find someone prettier, younger—”

“Alys,” he hissed. “There has never been anyone for me than you. I can’t even think about being with someone else.”

“But being apart, you might. And this is the time for you to do so.”

“We’ve been apart since the fucking beginning!”

“No, we haven’t. We’ve had stolen moments and promises I intend to keep. But, while you’re young—”

“You aren’t even a full three years older than me. You aren’t old, woman!”

“While you have this chance then,” I amended. “I want you to go and have the time of your life. I want you to make sure that coming back to me is what you really, really want. Because…you might just find that there is something better than this. And, if that’s the case…I want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to find something better. I didn’t spend my whole life in love with you to have some nobody come and sweep me off my fuckin’ feet, Alys. Do you think so little of me? Or yourself?”

I tried to sniff back my tears, but they spilled over. “More myself,” I confessed. “You…God, Connor. Sometimes, I wonder what it is that you see in me.”

“Stop it,” he warned.

“I’ve never held anything back from you before. Why would I start now?”

“What’s gotten into you? I love you! It’s not gonna go away.”

“I love you, too, but…just keep an open mind about this. If we’re less…exclusive, then there’s nothing that we can hold against each other later.”

“You’re freaking me the fuck out. Is there someone else?”

“I swear to God, Connor, there is no one else. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens between now and when you come back—if you still want to be together when the time comes—I won’t hold it against you. I’ll never hold it against you. Okay? I don’t want to be with anyone but you, but where you’re going…you need to know it’s all right.”

He sank back down on the bed. “Come here.”

I all but threw myself into his arms. He wrapped himself around me, kissing me breathless. Rolling me onto my back, his large body pressing me into the mattress, he held me captive with his mouth, his caresses. My legs fell open, and he pushed himself into me, claiming his territory.

“There’s only you, Sunshine,” he whispered.

Walking into the house in Lafayette, I was hoping I’d find something here that would get me in the mood to just plow through the next couple of months until I saw Connor again, but instead, the familiar scent of the wooden walls, old carpet, and stale air tossed me into a pit of misery. This place had been my home away from home for the last year and a half.

It was easier to let my heartache loose in Lafayette where I had no one to bust me while I was depressed. My roommates and I left each other alone. It was how we got along so well.

As I dragged my clothes into my room, I dropped down on my bed and had a good, long cry. I knew I had done the right thing—telling Connor to live his life without fear or guilt—but damn if it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t like we’d broken up or anything either, but I knew…

I knew he’d go wild. He needed to.

If I hadn’t said anything, he would have eventually, and I couldn’t live with that sort of soul crushing. Giving him his freedom was the unselfish thing to do.

If we’re meant to be, then it’ll happen.

Our relationship had been difficult from the get-go. Being farther apart wasn’t going to help. With neither of us having been with anyone else, it might be a good idea to see other people, just to make sure we both knew that we truly wanted to be with each other.

What a load of shit.

I didn’t want anyone else. I never had. I couldn’t imagine that it would ever change.

My cell phone started ringing in my bag, and without any enthusiasm, I got up and sniffed back my tears. I saw that it was Kenna’s house number.

“Hey, Sweet Pea,” I answered.

“Nope,” said Lili. “It’s the other one.”

“Hey.”

“You all right?”

“Yeah, just tired from the drive. What’s up?”

“Nothing. Just checking to see you got there okay. Kenna is working at the center right now.”

“Are you bored?” I asked, feeling snarky.

“A little bit,” she replied, ignoring the sass. “I’m not looking forward to going back to class though. I hate school, man. Haven’t we done enough of it?”

“Yeah.”

“So, why are you bummed?”

“Because I’m here without you guys,” I replied. It wasn’t a full-on lie, but it certainly wasn’t the truth either.

“Yeah. It doesn’t feel right—us not being together.”

I heard the underlying note of depression in Lili’s voice, and I knew something was up. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, well…no. Not really.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…I’m thinking of breaking up with Matt.”

“What?”

Lili had been with Matt since they were fourteen years old. They were a power couple. For seven years, they’d been each other’s everything. It was strange, but hearing her say something like that was a blow to the heart.

“Why?” I asked, sinking back down on my bed.

“It’s not that I don’t love him, but…I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. It’s like he’s my brother or something. I don’t know what to do. I still think he’s beautiful and wonderful, but I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I’m no longer attracted to him.”

“Oh my God. When did this happen?”

“I don’t even know! It’s not like I woke up this morning and thought, I think I want to break up with Matt. It just crept up on me. I don’t know what to do, Alys. I know that, if we break up, we’re not going to be able to carry on being friends. And he’s my best friend—like you and Kenna, you know? I mean, you guys are my best friends just as much, but…”

Panic seized my heart, making it thump wildly in my chest. This is what’s going to happen to me and Connor. Except it wouldn’t be me coming to this realization. Connor was going to find himself surrounded by beautiful women, and he was going to leave my old ass far behind.

“What…what do you feel you need to do?” I asked her.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt him. You know he’s the nicest man on the face of the earth.”

“Yeah.”

“But Kenna and Jaime ended it between them, and the world didn’t stop turning.”

Because Kenna isn’t supposed to be with Jaime, I thought wryly, remembering that kiss between her and Phil Deveraux two years ago.

“And it’s not like Matt and I have grown apart. It’s just…I don’t feel the same way about him anymore. I’ve tried to force it. I’ve given myself some time to see if it would maybe come back to me. It hasn’t. If anything, it’s become more platonic than ever.”

“It doesn’t feel right anymore,” I stated.

“Exactly.”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Well, I’m here for you when you’re ready, okay? If it happens before two in the afternoon though, you might need to send me a text message, and I’ll call you when I’m done with classes.”

“No worries.”

I let out a long breath. “Shit just keeps changing, doesn’t it?”

“Word. Maybe I can convince Kenna to drive up to Lafayette one of these upcoming weekends.”

“Don’t. She’s under enough stress as it is. If she wants to, that’s cool, but—”

“She’s going to kill herself at this pace!” Lili snapped. “It’s like she’s just going through the motions, man. She’s been this way since the night with Phil.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. “You think it’s Phil? Not Mom?”

“I think it’s a big part of it. Losing Mom so soon after…yeah. This isn’t like she’s sorting shit out, Alys. This is straight-up fuckin’ denial.”

“She’ll be all right. We all will be. We’ve just gotta get through these next few years, and we’ll be set.”

“Ugh, I hate thinking in long term.”

I laughed. “I guess it’s part of growing up.”

“Fuck that.”

Thanksgiving came, and Connor and I arrived back in La Place, picking up right where we’d left off.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you, Sunshine,” he whispered, holding me up against the wall in my bedroom at my parents’ house.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, and my skirt hiked up. Fumbling with his fly for a second, he then pushed himself as deep as he could inside me.

“I’m gonna come fast,” he warned. “It’s been too long.”

“Don’t care,” I grunted.

Once, twice, and on the third thrust, his cock jerked inside me. With his face buried in the crook of my neck, he groaned and sank his teeth into my skin.

Thankfully, my bedroom was on the opposite side of the house from my parents. My sisters hardly ever came back for holidays, having their own families and living in other states, so there was no one to hear Connor and me.

Pushing us off the wall, he carried me over to the bed, still inside me. Sitting down, he tugged off my shirt and bra, kissing every inch of exposed skin.

“Every night, I dream about you. Every day, I remember how you feel, how you taste, how you smell. All I want is to be with you,” he told me in between kisses. “I live for the day when we can be together.”

“Me, too,” I breathed.

He stretched us out over the bed, removing the rest of our clothes.

“I love you,” he whispered, sinking back inside me.

I couldn’t promise him the future anymore, not when everything was changing so fast. I didn’t know how he would feel about me come Christmas or spring break, but if we came back together each time, I would live for those moments.

“I love you, too.”