Alys

Connor’s scent, his warmth, surrounded me, and I should have felt happy to be waking up in his arms. Instead, I felt confused and depressed, and though I did experience the thrill of having him hold me in my bed with no fear of being caught doing something wrong, I was fucking furious he was there, too.

“Connor?”

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing here?” I demanded.

He was spooning me from behind with his left arm wrapped around me, tightening his hold. His lips grazed the side of my neck. “I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”

“Uh…”

Connor was one of the most brilliant motherfuckers I knew, but I was seriously reconsidering that now. His lack of intelligence in this instance would be laughable if I didn’t feel like bawling my eyes out all over again.

“I know I hurt you, Alys. It’s fucking killing me. You’re the only one who should be carrying a part of me inside you. I hate that it’s not you.”

Tears silently leaked out from my eyes as I felt the crushing weight of what we were facing.

“But…” he continued. “I can’t fault the baby. It’s not his fault that he isn’t half you.”

“What are you going to do then?” I asked, breathless with how much it hurt to think about Connor’s baby with Quinn.

“I don’t know for sure. Quinn…” He took a deep breath. “She told me she planned on doing it on her own. But she needs financial help, which I have to give her. I won’t deny her that, Alys.”

No, he couldn’t, and I wouldn’t respect any man who would. I knew Connor would do at least that for Quinn and their baby.

“But I need to be a part of his life. I don’t want any child of mine growing up, thinking his father doesn’t love him or want him.”

“It’s a boy?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I was dying inside. Something was curling up, retreating from everything I had opened myself up to less than a day ago.

I hated Quinn. I’d hated her from the moment she joined us for tapas at Tango’s, insinuating her shitty little self into our lives. I hated everything about her—from her looks to her voice to her fucking haircut. And, most of all, I hated that she had a part of Connor––my true love––inside her and would have it for all time.

All of this hate coursing through me was poisoning me. Even as I tried to convince myself it would all work out as it should, I couldn’t believe it. Nothing between Connor and me had ever fucking worked out as it should have.

Inside, I felt the hatred burn hot and angry. I loathed Connor. As much as I loved him, I hated him, and it killed me that it was even possible. It felt wrong. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way about any of it.

I should be understanding, accepting that this was what it was, and find a way to make peace with the situation. Connor was taking responsibility for his actions, and he had no intention of letting me go.

“Connor…I can’t do this.” I was so irritated by his touch. I grabbed his wrist and removed it from around me. “I’m so angry that I…I’m afraid I’ll say or do something unforgivable.”

“Alys,” he breathed.

I sat up, keeping my back to him. I didn’t want to see him, and I didn’t want him to see the tears raining down my face. I was filled with too much rage and pain.

“I didn’t ask for this,” he insisted. “I never would have chosen this. Ever.”

“I know that.”

“You can’t…” He swallowed hard. “Alys, you can’t mean to end this. It happened long before we—”

“X’s fucking funeral, Connor!” I snapped. “You fucked her after his funeral, and then, that night, you slept in my bed with me! You held me and cried with me just hours after you conceived with another woman!”

“What does that have anything to do with it? So, I fucked her! It’s not like I hadn’t done it a hundred fucking times before.”

I got to my feet, marching toward my bedroom door.

Connor was behind me, slapping his hands on the door on either side of my head, preventing me from opening it.

“Move,” I demanded.

“No. Not until you fucking look at me.”

I spun around, and the hatred on my face made him stumble back a step.

“Right now, Connor, I can’t fucking stand you. I fucking hate that bitch, that you fucked her and the groupies and any fucking thing that spread its legs for you!”

“Including you?” he asked. That vicious streak in him rose up to the surface to stab at me.

“Especially me,” I hissed. The pain in his expression would have broken me if I wasn’t already a hot, shattered mess. “Do you know how many people I’ve been with, Connor?”

“No. And I don’t need to.”

“Two. I’ve been with two fucking people. You want to know why I couldn’t just dump X and be with you? Because I had already lost you and given myself to him. Unlike you, sex fucking means something to me. It means love.”

The shock on his face fired a great sense of satisfaction within my chest.

“So, go with Quinn and raise your son. I want no fucking part of it.”

With that, I turned, opened the door, and slammed it shut behind me.

I completely lost my shit as I sat on the toilet.

I hadn’t lied to Connor. I hated myself, too. I couldn’t believe I’d just said what I did, and I was ashamed of myself. Not enough to go beg for forgiveness. I was still too furious for that.

But, fuck, man…

This was the man I had loved my whole life long. Maybe that was why it was so hard to accept this. The rational part of me knew that he was suffering over this as much as I was. The not-so-rational part of me was screaming that he’d betrayed me, that he had over and over and over.

Through the old walls of the house, I heard the familiar gait of Connor’s feet move quietly along the hallway and down the stairs.

I didn’t know if I had done the right thing. It sure as hell didn’t feel like I had. But, not for the first time, everything about me felt wrong. Out of place. As though the world had shifted, and I didn’t fully exist in my life but was rather a bystander, watching the role of Alys being played out by someone who only had a brief understanding of who I truly was.

Should I have been more sympathetic toward Connor and his situation? Most definitely.

The Alys I had been before I met X would have listened to Connor, let him trample me with this news, and accepted it so that I could still call him mine.

X had taught me that my happiness meant something. Not just to him, but to me as well. I wasn’t happy about the Quinn situation, and I wasn’t going to pretend to be.

More than that…it had nothing to do with me. No matter how Connor felt about me or how I felt about him, what he decided to do from here was out of my hands.

I knew Connor, probably better than I knew myself at this point. He would be a part of this child’s life, and while I respected that, I wanted zero to do with it. At least, not now. Maybe not ever.

Yeah, I hate myself.

“I don’t know what I should’ve said or done,” I told Kenna.

After I’d pulled myself together, I’d gotten dressed and called my best friend, hoping that it was all right to do so. I knew that Phil and Kenna weren’t leaving on a honeymoon right away, but that didn’t mean Phil wouldn’t be irritated to surrender his new wife to me, so I could pour my heart out to her.

I sat in Kenna and Phil’s kitchen at the island with a cup of coffee between my hands. Kenna sat, facing me, her skin glowing, her green eyes bright, looking as though she’d just spent the whole night in wedded bliss.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” she replied. “I can’t say I’m happy with the situation either. But…”

“But?”

“You’ve wanted to be with Connor your whole life. Even when you were with X, a part of you still wanted to be with him. Is it really worth it to throw your relationship with Connor away over something he has no control over?”

“That’s just it. I don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll feel in a few days or weeks, only that, I can hardly stand to look at him. I’m that fucking pissed. I mean…how would you feel if some chick suddenly showed up with Phil’s kid?”

She was quiet for a moment, truly giving it some thought. “I know I’d be hurt because I want to be the only woman who has his children. But I don’t think I could hate the child—”

“I don’t hate it!” I snapped. “But I can’t stand Quinn—”

“Because you’re jealous.”

“So? Are you telling me you wouldn’t be?”

“No. But I wouldn’t leave Phil over it. Are you sure you’re not just using this as an excuse to prolong getting into a relationship with him?”

“What do you mean?”

“That maybe you’re not ready. Maybe it’s still too soon, and this is the perfect opportunity for you to pull the brakes before the two of you move forward.”

Is that what I’m doing?

“God, I don’t know.”

“What is it that you’re so afraid of?”

“He…” What am I so afraid of? “He’s dumped me twice, Kenna. The first time was when I told him I wanted to wait until he graduated before we made our relationship official. And again with X. X said Connor was bitter about me not leaving him, and that was why he was so mean to me last year. Now, with someone so important as a child in his life…Quinn will always be the mother of his son, Kenna. I don’t think I can face losing Connor a third time.”

“So, you don’t think you need more time?”

“I think I do now. With everything that’s going on…yeah. I need to see how I feel once I’m removed from the picture. And he’s going to have to figure this shit out himself. How he feels about Quinn, knowing she’s the mother of his child.”

“He doesn’t want to be with her. You know that.”

“He might once this whole situation sinks in. He liked her enough to bring her on tour. To fuck her after X’s funeral. And I seriously can’t figure out when he found the time to give her a fucking poke. What’s worse is that he slept in my bed that night. I had no claim on him—”

“In a way, you’ve had a claim on him all your life. So, maybe it’s not so crazy to feel that way.”

“He didn’t know I’d only slept with him and X,” I said quietly. “He was completely shocked when I told him.”

“Why didn’t you take your own advice and live college life to the fullest, Alys?”

“I just couldn’t. It wasn’t like I didn’t think about it. He was the only person I wanted to be with, to have sex with. To have anything with.” I dropped my head into my hands. “And, now…I can’t be around him.”

Phil came into the kitchen, wearing only a pair of cargo shorts and a glowing smirk. Dropping a kiss on top of Kenna’s head, he made his way over to the coffeemaker and poured himself a mug. “What are you guys talkin’ about?” he asked.

“Connor,” Kenna and I answered at once.

“Yeah, I figured.”

“What’s your take on the situation?” I asked Phil.

He shrugged, and I had to stare into my half-empty mug or get busted checking him out. It wasn’t that I thought about him in that way, but, fuck, he was a good-looking man, and when he was sans shirt, it was hard to look anywhere else. All that bronze, inked flesh and ripped muscles could make just about anyone stare in awe.

“I guess I can empathize with both of you,” he replied as he sat next to Kenna. “I know that you’ve been through a hell of a lot this year already, and for this to happen fuckin’ sucks. But it ain’t the first time a groupie has gotten knocked up, and it sure as shit won’t be the last.”

“Do you have any groupie children?” I asked.

Kenna rolled her eyes.

“No, I don’t,” Phil said. “I made sure of it, too. I wore protection and pulled the fuck out well before gettin’ off. I didn’t wanna have that hangin’ over my head. But Flipper does.”

“Really?”

Phil nodded. “He’s got a five-year-old daughter with some chick in France. Vivian knows, too, and she has no problem with it. He gives them money, and he visits a couple of times a year. But the woman is married to someone else now, and I guess the man considers Flipper’s kid just as much his, so that’s good.”

“But Flipper and Viv weren’t together then, were they?”

“No. But you and Connor weren’t together when this kid was conceived either.”

“I just wish I felt it were that simple,” I said.

“There ain’t nothin’ simple about this situation, Alys. Connor is an honorable guy, and the way y’all were raised means he’s gonna do the right thing by his kid.”

“I know. I just…for the first time, I had him without fear, without giving a shit what other people thought. For a few hours, I had him all to myself.”

I didn’t know if Phil knew about the me-X-Connor thing, and I didn’t want to betray Connor or X in that way. Kenna’s expression told me nothing, but I knew she’d never tell anyone about what I’d confessed to her and Lili five months ago.

“He’s going to want to be there for Quinn and their baby,” I said, feeling the deep ache in me bleed out from my heart. Tears filled my eyes, no matter how hard I’d struggled to hold them back. “And, while I won’t deny him that or stand in the way, I can’t…” I choked and covered my mouth with my hand. “I have no part in it. I hate that I feel this way, but I do.”

Phil nodded. “You need to tell him that.”

“I kind of did—and not in a nice way either.”

He looked surprised. “Really? You’re one of the nicest people I know.”

“I used to be,” I said miserably. “But I don’t think I have it in me to be nice anymore.”

“That’s not true,” said Kenna. “Have you ended it with him?”

“I didn’t tell him that. I don’t think I want it to end, but…right now, there’s no other option for me.”

“He’s gonna be crushed,” mentioned Phil.

“Shit,” hissed Kenna. She got a sour look on her face. “The next album is going to be fucking morose.”

Connor found me sitting in the gazebo.

A cleanup crew would be coming by later, and I’d figured I could ease my troubled heart in the remnants of yesterday’s fairy-tale setting. I had figured wrong because I was weeping and snotting all over myself.

“Sunshine…” His voice sounded strained, as though the sight of me hurting caused him just as much pain.

Perhaps it did because one look at him had me bawling my eyes out.

Connor scooped me up into his arms and situated me on his lap, my head tucked beneath his chin. His chest jerked with his repressed sobs as he muffled his gasps in my hair.

I didn’t know how long we sat there, crying in each other’s arms, but once we hit a mutual silence, I found the strength to sit up and look into his emerald-green eyes. He knew what was in me, what I just couldn’t bring myself to be a part of.

His arms constricted around me.

I reached up to touch his face, tracing my fingertips over his cheekbones, brow, and lips. “I love you, Connor. I will always love you. But I don’t have it in me to handle this.”

Beneath my fingers, his lips trembled before pressing a kiss to them. “I know.”

“So, for now…we need to go our separate ways. You need to devote yourself to your new family—”

His eyes closed, and tears rained down his face. Not for the first time, I was struck with just how beautiful he was. Seeing him like this destroyed me. It took all my willpower not to lose it all over again.

“When we were together with X,” I whispered. “I thought that, as long as I had you in some way, then I would be all right. But, as much as I loved X, it killed me to share you with him. I think…I think I was able to because I knew you weren’t really into it. You did it—”

“To be with you,” he finished quietly.

I nodded, unable to speak through the tightness in my throat.

“You aren’t sharing me with Quinn, Alys. I’ll never touch her like that again. I won’t be with any woman but you. I told her that the last time I was with her.”

“When?” I asked hoarsely. “When did you even have the time?”

“When we all came back here after the funeral. You went home to shower after…”

X had had the last laugh that day, hopping a ride on a swift breeze and coating me in his ashes as I stood in the Mississippi River.

“It was a moment of madness. She pulled me into a bathroom, and I just wanted to feel something good even if it was just physical. I couldn’t go to you; it wasn’t right. But Quinn offered, and I took it. Afterward, I’d never felt so fucking guilty in my life. What was worse, she told me she loved me, and I had to tell her it was never going to happen.” He reached up and cupped the side of my face with his hand. “And it won’t, Alys. No matter what, I’ll wait for you. I should’ve waited for you the whole fucking time.”

A sad smile pulled the corners of my mouth. “You still would’ve pitched your bitch-fit, and I still would’ve gone out with X.”

“I was so stupid, Alys,” he confessed softly. Leaning forward, he pressed his brow to mine. “I didn’t think that shit through. You’re the only person who makes me lose my damn mind. I started to believe you never had any intentions of ever being with me.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“I do now. Back then…ignoring you was the only thing I could do to hurt you. I did it on purpose with that intent. And it fucking backfired. It pushed you into the arms of another man. One I loved and admired myself.”

“It was hard not to love him.”

“You would know better than most,” he said, his sad smile making an appearance. “I guess I could say that about myself, too.”

“So…what are you going to do?” I asked.

“I just talked with Quinn,” he said, making my heart pinch. “I’m driving with her to Pensacola, gonna see where she lives and what she needs. I have a few days before I need to get back into the studio, so…I’ll be helping her out until then, getting shit ready and…yeah.”

“Okay,” I whispered. Leaning forward, I pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth. “Good-bye, Connor…and good luck.”

Then, I pushed myself off his lap and walked home.