Connor

It was as though my world had blurred into chaos. I knew what I had to do, and I was focused on it, but the hollow pain inside me smeared my emotions into a mess. I was miserable, heartbroken, unenthusiastic.

I waited for fifteen minutes before I followed Alys home, and when I got there, she was nowhere to be seen. No doubt, she was up in her room. I headed to mine, packed a bag, and then watched the staircase for a few minutes. Leaving the bag by the steps, I headed up to her room, and then I stared at her bedroom door.

Placing my palm on it, I told her, “Good-bye, Sunshine.”

Light and warmth dissipated from my life.

I made my way down the steps, through the back door, down the porch steps, through the side gate, and toward the Plantation House. An icy numbness snaked its way into my heart, despite the heat of the late morning, turning my world into a cold, dark place.

Quinn was sitting on the back patio to the big half of the house, a glass of water on the table before her. Behind Quinn, Sheri was pacing back and forth, like a caged lioness, as she rambled into her cell phone.

Sheri caught sight of me and shot me a glare that damn near had the power to ignite me where I stood. It was probably a good idea to get Quinn out of here as fast as possible.

“You’re taking one of the vans to Pensacola,” Sheri told me as I walked up. “Siggie’s bringing the small one. She should be here any minute. The piece of shit Quinn drove is about to die.”

I wasn’t going to argue with Sheri. I did still value my life somewhat. “All right.”

Sheri stared hard at me for a few seconds, assessing. Then, her expression softened. “Call me the second you get there, okay? Let me know if there’s anything you need, and I’ll get it to you as soon as I can. I’m in touch with the lawyers, and they’re drawing up several different contracts. Once you know how you want to proceed, they’re ready.”

“Thanks, Sher-Bear.”

“Lawyers?” Quinn squeaked.

Sheri’s eyeballs shot daggers at the back of Quinn’s head. “Yes, lawyers.”

Quinn gave me a nervous look, and to be honest, I didn’t have it in me to calm her just now. Not when this whole fucking situation could quite possibly destroy my future with Alys.

It’s not forever. Alys doesn’t want to be apart either. Not really. She’s hurt and fucking furious, and I get that, but this isn’t going to make a damn difference in the long run. I’m as much a part of her as she is of me.

“What’s going to happen to my car?” Quinn asked. “I need it.”

“I’ll get you a new one,” I replied.

I wasn’t fucking loaded like the rest of the guys in the band, but I could afford shit. Phil’s dad had control over my investments, and he’d made me rich pretty fucking quick. I’d paid off my student loans and paid back my father for sending me to college, and as a thank-you for working his ass off to send me to a top-notch university, I’d paid the mortgage on my parents’ Garden District home. Da didn’t have to work himself to death anymore.

“It’s really not necessary,” Quinn muttered.

“Yes, it is. You can’t drive around in something unsafe.”

Her gaze dropped to the ground, her cheeks heating with embarrassment. “I’m sorry about all of this. If I had any other options…”

“Would you really have kept me ignorant of the existence of my own kid, Quinn?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Why?”

“Because you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. And I never wanted to use the excuse of my child to have you in my life, okay?”

“I have a right to know.”

Sheri’s phone chimed. She looked at the screen. “Siggie’s here,” she said.

I held out my hand to Quinn. “Come on.”

She stared at it for a few seconds, and then she reached out and took it. My fingers closed around her hand, and I helped her to her feet. As she stood, I took in the gentle swelling of her belly, how her already large breasts strained against the fabric of her T-shirt.

Quinn was the first woman I’d had sex with after Alys. The whole reason I’d found her attractive was that she had many similar features—large and fat lips, a delicate-looking face, a curvy body with big tits. With Quinn, I could close my eyes and almost imagine that I was with Alys.

I’d done it countless times, and I had no desire to ever do so again.

Dropping Quinn’s hand, I looked over my shoulder, back at the house where Alys was. With my whole heart, I wanted to run back there and beg her to just take me back. I’d do anything she asked of me, just as long as she didn’t take away her love.

But the one thing Alys wanted was for this to never have happened. I couldn’t give her that, and she would never ask me to turn my back on my child, nor the woman who carried him.

For the first hour of the drive, Quinn and I settled into a silence that wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but it was better than voicing the shit going through my head. She seemed agitated. I supposed I wasn’t giving off a very friendly vibe, but I couldn’t escape the hell my soul was in, having had Alys and losing her in the span of a few hours.

“Can we make the next pit stop? I need to pee,” Quinn said, her voice piercing through the fog of heartbreak.

“Sure,” I replied.

Another five minutes, and I pulled the van off the highway and into a truck stop with a gas station and a diner.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“Always,” she replied. “I didn’t feel comfortable asking for something to eat when I woke up.”

“I haven’t eaten either. Let’s get something while we’re here.”

She nodded, opened the door, and hopped out. Together, we headed into the diner where a middle-aged hostess directed her to the restrooms. The hostess brought me to a booth next to a window where I could keep an eye on the van.

We were in Florida—the part of Florida where I had spent the first nine years of my life. It wasn’t anything like Miami. A whole different culture existed here. Memories of traveling along this very highway with Da, Mom, Laurie, and Kenna as we made our way to Louisiana from the only home I had ever known flooded my mind.

My heart had broken to leave our little slice of paradise on Tucker’s Farm. I hadn’t understood why we were no longer welcome, and I’d been terrified I’d never see Alys again.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

I turned from the view out the window to face a young woman who looked as though she’d lived a hard life. Dressed in a T-shirt with the diner’s logo and cutoff shorts, she had a black apron tied around her waist.

“Two waters for now,” I replied.

“Coming up.”

I would tag along with Da on the weekends when he’d haul the fresh produce the commune had grown to sell in the farmers market. Da used to stop at a small place that made mango Icees and milkshakes, making me promise not to tell my moms—both of them—that I’d consumed anything that wasn’t organically grown.

I wondered if that place was still around.

The server returned with the waters, and still, Quinn hadn’t come out from the restroom. Just as I was getting ready to go and see if she was all right, the door to the women’s room opened, and Quinn emerged, looking as though she’d been crying.

When she took the seat across from me, she reached for her water and gulped it down.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I’ve been better.”

“Why are you so upset?” I asked, feeling irritated. “I’m here, offering you all the help you need. I thought it’d be a relief for you.”

“I didn’t expect you to come back with me.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought you’d just give me some cash to get me out of your life.”

I stared at her, feeling my anger rise. I took a few calming breaths before giving her a piece of my mind. “We’ve been friends for years, Quinn. You know what sort of person I am. Why did you think that?”

“Because you were an absolute asshole the last time I saw you.”

“I was not. You told me you loved me, and I told you the truth. I’m sorry if I hurt you; I truly am.”

Quinn’s gaze drifted toward the window. I picked up some menus and handed one to her.

“We need to set shit straight between us before the baby is born,” I told her. “I don’t have any issues with you, so you might as well air out all the shit about me you need to get off your chest. This kid is going to depend on us to be decent human beings with each other.”

Quinn sagged into herself, her shoulders drooping. “I don’t really have any issues, Connor. I’m just seriously stressed out. I don’t think hormonal rages agree with me.”

I gave her a slight smile. “I don’t think they agree with anyone.”

“I’m…I am relieved you’re helping me. It really means the world to me. But you really don’t need to put yourself through all this trouble. I’ll be just fine on my own.”

“It’s not trouble, taking care of my family.”

“What about Alys? What does she say about all this?”

I clenched my jaw and breathed deep. “Don’t mention Alys again, Quinn.”

She blinked, and her cheeks burned bright pink. “Okay.”

Quinn lived in a small, old two-bedroom, one-bath house. Situated in a pocket of woodland, there were other houses in the neighborhood but well-spaced out. From the look of the place, I didn’t think there was an alarm. The wood paneling reminded me of Bougainvillea, darkened with weathering.

Inside though, it was clean—Quinn had proven to be a bit of a neat freak on tour with us—and welcoming. The furniture was certainly secondhand but decent. The kitchen looked as though it hadn’t been upgraded since the ’80s, the gold-and-brown-linoleum floor sporting some wear and tear.

“You rent?” I asked her.

“Yes. It’s cheap. Only four hundred a month. But, with not having any work, I’ve gone through most of my savings.”

I dropped my bag down in the living room. “Is everything in working order?”

She nodded. “It’s old but in good shape. The landlord’s really nice. If something needs replacing, he’s out here quick to fix it.”

“That’s good.”

“I signed on a rent-to-own deal. When I moved here, I thought I’d be settling down.”

“Do your parents live nearby?”

“Panama City.”

About two and a half hours away then.

“And what? Have they disowned you?”

“No. But, sometimes, it feels like it. My sister comes to help a few times a month. She plans on coming to stay when the time gets close. But she doesn’t have the means to help me for too long.”

“Well, she doesn’t have to worry about that. I’ll be here.”

“That’s not necessary, Connor. I told you—”

“It is necessary. This is my kid, too, despite the fact that you kept it hidden from me,” I snapped.

“Do you plan on moving in then?” she snapped right back.

“No, but you can count on me coming and spending as much time as I can to be with him and to help raise him. It’s not ideal, but he’ll know that I love him, that I care enough to give him the time that I have.”

Quinn blushed furiously. “I didn’t ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to. I’d never abandon my kid. Or let its mother lack for anything she needs. You got that?”

She looked pissed. “I got it.”

“Now, show me where I’m going to be sleeping,” I said, grabbing my bag. “I need a few minutes to quiet this shit in my head.”

She led the way down the hallway to the right of the kitchen. On the right side were two doors and one to the left. She opened the first door on the right.

“Here’s the guest room. The bathroom is next door, and my room is across the hall.”

“Great. I’ll see you later,” I told her. I walked inside, shutting the door behind me.

I needed to find some inner fucking peace at this point in time. I was fuming inside, and nothing would come from me succumbing to it. For the most part, I could easily check my emotional baggage and deal with shit without losing my cool.

Right now, it wasn’t possible. I needed to be alone to meditate and remove myself from everything that was going on. I wanted to call Alys and cry, to tell her I was sorry for every fucking thing that had gone so horribly wrong between us. I wanted to call my sister, to have her tell me everything would be all right. I wanted my parents to come and hold my hand.

“Stop being a little bitch,” I mumbled to myself.

Dumping my bag on the floor, I took in the lone twin-size bed and the low table next to it, used as a makeshift nightstand. A small lamp sat on it. The room, like the rest of the house, was clean but smelled unused. Plain walls, nothing hanging on them.

The view out the window showed the front yard, clogged with tall, thin trees of a pine variety. Quinn kept the yard neatly trimmed, and I couldn’t help but feel guilt and anger that a woman as pregnant as Quinn had to mow the lawn, but it wasn’t like she had the money to pay for a lawn service.

Removing my shirt and shorts, I sat down on the beige carpet in a lotus pose. Inside myself, I had the answers. Everyone did. Taking the time to listen to oneself would guide them to where they needed to go.

I desperately needed direction. I wasn’t even sure how I’d kept it together this long without losing my goddamn mind.

Breathing deep, I settled into my consciousness, willing myself to sink deeper. Ignoring the flitting thoughts of the mundane, the trivial—for that was what most thoughts were—I sought out the safe place where my soul could rest.

Gradually, as my breath led me down, down, down, into the dark places between time and space, I found myself staring into the past.

I needed to guide myself forward. I’d already made my peace with the past.

Look elsewhere.

But I couldn’t. I was stuck because I couldn’t let go. I watched the exact moment I’d stormed out of Alys’s room when I’d left her more than two years ago, damning myself, our relationship.

I ascended with a pain in my heart and head.

Opening my eyes, I was blasted with the unfamiliar sight of Quinn’s spare room. I was unwanted here, an intruder in the life that Quinn was trying to build for herself. She didn’t want me; she just wanted the financial support I could give her.

More than that…I didn’t belong here. Even after learning that my flesh and blood was growing inside Quinn, I felt no connection to it.

My meditation session had brought me to the moment when I’d thrown my life with Alys away. For weeks after that madness, she’d texted me, called me, even sent me emails, all of which remained unopened. I had hardly answered my phone when Kenna called, convinced that Alys was trying to sneak in under the radar. At the time, I had felt justified in leaving her like that. My ego had assured me that, when I came back for Thanksgiving, she’d be so sorry that she’d shout about our relationship to anyone and everyone.

Instead, she’d heartbrokenly tripped into the arms of a man who wanted to right all the wrongs in her world.

I’d tried to move past it. I’d gotten to a point where I could somehow ignore the broken soul I carried around inside me. I’d thrown myself into music like I never had before. I’d let the madness of it consume me.

Just as my love for Alys did.