Chapter Seventeen
Zack
“Turns out you’re a good teacher after all,” Devon said, walking into the living room.
I smiled. “You doubted me?”
“Just because you’re a good fighter doesn’t mean you can teach,” Devon said. “And in any case, I just assumed you lacked the patience.”
“Well, you’re not wrong there.”
“So what changed?” Devon asked.
“Nothing changed,” I shrugged. “I still despise teaching, and I still have zero patience.”
“And yet you managed to teach my sister how to defend herself.”
I paused, realizing that he had backed me into a corner, and I had walked right into it. I paused for a second. “This was not about her,” I said, hoping that I didn’t sound too defensive.
“No?” Devon asked, with raised eyebrows.
“Of course not,” I said, refusing to look him in the eye.
“Then what was it about?” Devon asked, with interest.
I had hoped to avoid that question. “Walter Black,” I said, and the lie rolled easily off my tongue.
“Walter Black?” Devon repeated. “You mean to tell me that you’re doing all this for the elusive Mr. Black?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “He’s trying to fuck with us… indirectly, but it amounts to the same thing. One thing is certain: he’s going to try and goad us into a fight using Mila. He’s already got our attention because of what he did to her… He obviously handpicked her because he knew her connection to the Angels. Every time I teach her a move, I imagine that move being used against the bastard.”
“The faceless bastard with no name,” Devon pointed out.
“Doesn’t fucking matter,” I said. “We may not know his name. We may not know what he looks like. But we know who he is.”
“What do you think their plan is, honestly?” Devon asked.
“I don’t have a fucking clue,” I said. “Their next move is a mystery to me. I would have thought he’d come out of the woodwork by now. But since he hasn’t, we have to assume the plan is still underway and either they’re waiting for the right time to strike or something has gone wrong.”
“You think that’s possible?”
“Everything is possible,” I said. “I prefer believing in the former because that way, we don’t let our guard down.”
Devon nodded. “And afterward?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, wrinkling my eyebrows at him.
“Say we manage to stop this guy, and we don’t ever have to worry about Walter Black again?”
“Yeah?”
“What happens then? Mila is going to have to leave the clubhouse, you realize.”
He had surveyed the situation, and he suspected. He suspected, but he didn’t know, and I wasn’t about to add fuel to the flames.
“I realize that,” I said. “She can’t stay here.”
Devon stayed silent for a moment. Then he nodded, almost as though he had been afraid I might insist that Mila stay here with us. “I think she might like Chicago.”
“Chicago?” I couldn’t help but repeat.
“Yeah.”
“That’s across the country,” I pointed out.
“I’m aware,” I said. “I think a fresh start might do her some good. She can start somewhere new… meet some new people, get some distance from all this shit.”
I hesitated, unsure of what I should say here. My initial gut reaction was immediate and powerful. I hated the idea of Mila moving away. I hated the idea of having her live halfway across the country. I hated thinking of her meeting new people… namely men that she would potentially like, fall in love with, marry and have children with one day. It was inevitable, but I didn’t even like to think about it.
“Have you discussed this with her?” I asked.
“Not yet,” Devon admitted. “But I will. I can’t see her objecting to it. I mean, she doesn’t exactly have a home or a job here anymore, and I can’t picture her staying here after Black made her feel so unsafe in this town.”
“We’re here,” I reminded him.
“But we won’t be able to watch her twenty-four seven,” I said. “Not that we would even need to if we take care of the Black problem… but—”
“But what?”
“But if he is connected to the Knights, then we’re not going to be able to take out the whole group,” Devon pointed out. “She might just feel uneasy staying in this town knowing that the club responsible for her fear and panic are still out and about.”
I knew Devon had a point, but I hated admitting that, even to myself. I understood why he was here telling me all this. He was trying to let me know that whatever my relationship with Mila was, it would end as soon as Black was found. He was telling me not to hold her back because I wouldn’t be able to give her the future she needed or wanted. He was telling me to watch myself because it would only be worse if it I didn’t.
“Yeah,” I nodded as I stood up. “You’re right. A fresh start is the best option for her.”
Devon seemed content to hear me say that. I left him in the living room and headed to my room. I wanted to get out for a ride and perhaps clear my head a little. My jacket was in my room, and on my way to retrieve it, I paused outside Mila’s door. I could hear her humming slightly, and I couldn’t help but push my ear against her door and listen in.
Before I could stop myself, I had knocked on her door. She opened it almost immediately, and her face lit up into a beautiful smile that had me staring at her.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” I replied. “Busy?”
“No,” Mila shook her head. “Come in.”
I walked in, and she shut the door. “I came to see how you were doing… but apparently you’re pretty happy with yourself.”
She smirked at me. “I’m not happy… exactly.”
“Fuck that,” I laughed. “Look at your face.”
“What do you mean?” Mila asked self-consciously.
“You’re practically grinning from ear to ear,” I pointed out. “I thought you felt guilty.”
“I did,” Mila nodded. “For the first five minutes.”
I laughed out loud, and Mila followed suit. “No, no,” she said quickly. “I do feel guilty—a little. But let’s be clear: he was the one who attacked me from the back.”
“Hey, I’m totally with you,” I said. “He had it coming.”
“I didn’t say that,” Mila said, trying to backtrack a little. “He didn’t deserve to have his nose broken—”
“I thought it was an improvement.”
“But I did for a second think it was Walter.”
“You thought Walter had managed to get into our clubhouse to attack you?”
“Well… yeah.”
“How lax do you think we are?”
“Hey, stranger things have happened,” Mila said. “And in any case… Walter seemed like the kind of guy who could do anything.”
I frowned. “Did he?”
“He was determined, persuasive…. I would even go so far as to call him charming.”
I gritted my teeth a little, but I didn’t allow the jealousy to come through. “Is that how he got you?”
Mila sighed, and the smile faltered slightly on her face. “I suppose, but it had more to do with my insecurities than anything else.”
“You thought he would protect you?”
“Yes,” Mila nodded. “And when I told him I wanted to wait to have sex, he seemed to totally agree.”
“Because he needed you.”
“Possibly,” Mila nodded. “But at the time, I just thought he was a really decent guy.”
“How long did that last?”
Mila sighed. “A few weeks, I suppose. And then… he started getting more and more aggressive. It wasn’t with me though, which is why somehow, I justified it for a long time. He interacted with a few different guys… he said it was all ‘business,’ but who the fuck knows anymore. I saw him punch a guy in the face one time. I was sitting in the car waiting for him, and I watched them talk for ten minutes before it broke out into a fistfight.”
“What did he tell you when he got back to the car?”
“He said that the guy was trying to cheat him, and he didn’t put up with shit like that,” Mila admitted. “I was so shocked that I didn’t ask more questions. I think that’s what made me really uncomfortable, and I think from that moment on I was looking for a way to get out.”
“Did you ever just try to break up with him?”
“A few times,” Mila nodded. “But I never got around to it.”
“Why?”
“I think deep down inside I understood what he really was,” Mila told me. “I was scared of his reaction. I was terrified I would see the aggressive side of him that he had shown to others on previous occasions. Then one night, we were at this bar, and a woman came up to him. She obviously didn’t see me, or if she did, she just didn’t care. She started talking to Walter, and she was flirting a lot. And the way she spoke it was like… they’d seen each other a lot the previous week, and I was pretty sure that Walter was fucking around on me.”
“Did you confront him?”
“As we got back to his place,” Mila nodded. “In a sense, I was almost relieved. This allowed me a legitimate excuse to leave him. So I asked about the woman, and he was impatient with me because he really didn’t want to talk about her. Then, I came right out and asked him, and he just looked me right in the eye and said ‘Yeah, I fucked her. I fucked her five times last week.’”
“He admitted to it?”
Mila nodded. “I told him I was breaking up with him, and I was leaving, but he grabbed me by the hand and pushed me onto his sofa. Then he leaned down over me really close, and he told me that he owned me now. That I was his possession and I didn’t have the right to leave before he decided he was done with me.”
I felt my fists clench, but I let Mila continue with her story. “He told me that because I wanted to wait to have sex, that he had done the gentlemanly thing by scratching his itch elsewhere so that he didn’t have to bother me. He phrased it like he was being the good guy and I was being the irrational girlfriend. He told me that if I ever tried to leave him, he would hunt me down and make me regret it. He looked crazy, but he also looked like he was serious, and I stayed with him that night out of sheer terror.”
“You didn’t think about calling Devon at that point?”
“Devon and I weren’t really close enough that I thought of him as an option at the time. It was only after… that night when he tried to choke me that I called Devon out of desperation because I didn’t feel like the cops were going to do anything to help.”
I nodded. “Well, he’s never going to be able to put his hands on you again… ever.”
Mila nodded, but she looked unsure. “You can’t protect me forever, Zack,” she said softly.
“I wasn’t referring to myself,” I said. “I was referring to you.”
“Me?” Mila said.
“You broke a man’s nose today,” I pointed out.
“He and Walter are two completely different men with two completely different skill sets.”
“Maybe, but you’re not the same scared little girl you were when you first stepped into this house,” I pointed out. “Remember that and don’t let Walter get inside your head. If you let him get inside your head, you are giving up your power to him. Understood?”
Mila nodded with determination and new resolve. “Understood.”
Chapter Eighteen
Mila
“Don’t let him get inside your head.”
The words kept repeating over and over again in my head like a mantra. Zack was right, and that had been my problem from the beginning. Nobody can take power away from you if you refuse to give it up. That refusal was the hard part though, and I had no idea how to go about it.
I had spent the last few days training hard, both with Zack and with every other member of the Angels who would train with me. The men were suitably impressed with how far I’d come, and even I was proud of myself and struck with a confidence that I had never had through the entirety of my life. It was a new feeling to walk around with confidence. It made a world of difference.
But a part of me also registered how fragile a feeling it was too. Anytime I let myself think about a specific moment with Walter, the same fear that had engulfed me at the moment rushed back to greet me in the present, and I was terrified that my newfound confidence was just surface deep and fleeting.
I was in the kitchen grabbing some lunch when I heard someone walk in behind me. “Just so you know, I’m entering the kitchen, and I mean you no harm. Please don’t break my nose again.”
I turned and smiled at Justin. “Hey you,” I said. “I haven’t seen you in a couple of days.”
“Spent a couple of nights with my girl,” Justin admitted. “She nursed me back to health.”
“Did she ask what happened?”
“Of course.”
“And did you tell her the truth?”
“Are you fucking crazy?” Justin replied, and I laughed. “I told her I was in a fight with three other men.”
“Let me guess?” I asked. “You took them all on single-handed and beat them three to one?”
“Precisely,” Justin nodded. “They ran with their tails between their legs, and I brought home a broken nose like a badge of honor.”
“You are pathetic.”
“Say what you will,” Justin said uncaringly. “I got laid like six times because of this broken nose.”
“Well, in that case,” I said. “You are welcome.”
Justin laughed and gave me a wink.
“Seriously though,” I said, changing my tone a little. “I am sorry about it. I didn’t mean to really hurt you. I mean… I did mean to hurt my attacker. I just wouldn’t have reacted that way had I known it was you.”
“Chill out, Mila,” Justin assured me. “I think you reacted exactly the way you were trained to. Looks like all those weeks in the training ring really paid off. Zack will be proud.”
“I’m kind of proud too,” I said.
“You should be,” Justin nodded. “And you’ve proven your point. I’m not going to mess with you ever again.”
I smiled. “Made an impression, huh?”
“Next time we go at it, it’ll be in the training ring… and you’ll be aware.”
“You really want to embarrass yourself again?” I asked, with raised eyebrows.
Justin guffawed. “Cocky. You only beat me that time because I wasn’t prepared for that reaction. Otherwise, you never would have been able to beat me.”
“Is that right?” Zack interrupted, as he walked into the kitchen.
“Fuck yes, that’s right,” Justin said aggressively. “I’m like a wild animal in a fight.”
Zack smiled and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “Yeah, you definitely sounded like a wild animal that day… when it gets shot.”
“Fuck you,” Justin said, stomping away to the sound of our combined laughter.
“We really shouldn’t tease him like that,” I said.
“Why?” Zack asked. “He asked for it.”
I grabbed some water myself. “Want some lunch?”
“What are you having?”
“I was just going to make myself a sandwich,” I said. “I’ve been dreaming of burgers today.”
Zack smiled. “Maybe we should pay Miriam another visit?”
“I’d like that,” I nodded, wondering if that would count as a date or not. Although I had sort of initiated the topic, so I wasn’t sure if it counted.
Zack proceeded to help me put together some sandwiches for the both of us, and we stood side by side, assembling everything together. Our relationship was a strange one. Sometimes it was almost adversarial. We would piss each other off randomly, we would get on each other’s nerves, and in those moments, nothing could calm either one of us down. And then there were other times when it was so comfortable and familiar that it felt like I’d known Zack for years.
“So… did Devon talk to you?”
“Umm… he talks to me every day now,” I replied, surprised by the question. “It would be weird now if he didn’t.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I figured,” I smiled. “What did you mean?”
“Well… we were talking about what would happen once Walter Black was dealt with and there was no threat to you any longer.”
I froze for a moment, and suddenly I felt a little nervous. I had no reason to. It was a reasonable thing to discuss, and I seriously needed to start thinking about my next step in life. It wasn’t like I could stay in the clubhouse forever.
“Oh,” I said. “I suppose… I’ve been thinking about that a lot too.”
“And?”
“First, tell me what you and Devon discussed.” I asked curiously.
“Well, Devon mentioned that it might be a good idea for you to start fresh… somewhere far away like Chicago.”
I suppressed a sigh. “It doesn’t sound like the worst idea.”
Zack nodded. “You think you’d like it there?”
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “I’ve never been. It would certainly be a fresh start. But…”
“What?” Zack asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I guess I’m worried about certain things…”
“Like what?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “Never mind.”
“Come on,” he insisted. “Tell me.”
“Well, staying here at the clubhouse with all you guys for the last few weeks….”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know… sometimes I feel like it’s changed me,” I admitted. “I don’t feel like the same girl that walked in here weeks ago.”
“You’re not.”
I smiled. “Yeah… I have to figure myself out first, and I’m worried now that… I might not fit in anywhere.”
“Are you scared that you’ve got too attached to the MC lifestyle?” Zack asked, hitting the nail on the head the first time around.
“I sound stupid, don’t I?” I said, smiling self-consciously.
“I don’t think so,” Zack said quietly.
He didn’t look at me, but I noticed his pensive expression and something about it touched me. “You know what I dreamt about last night?” I asked.
“What?”
“Motorbikes,” I admitted.
Zack smiled. “No way.”
“Yup,” I nodded. “I was on the highway riding this amazing motorbike, and nothing about that dream felt unnatural. In fact, it felt… freeing.”
“Sounds like you’ve caught the bug.”
“I’ve been on a motorbike exactly once in my entire life.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Zack replied. “I fell in love with bikes before I’d even got on one. Some things just happen naturally. Some things are just…instinctive.”
He glanced at me at that moment, and I felt a spark pass between us, and for a second it felt like we weren’t talking about motorbikes anymore. We had a connection; there was no denying it. But I had wondered if that connection was based solely on sexual tension. Now I was beginning to think that we connected on more levels, and that somehow was more terrifying. No matter how good the sex might be, it was only just a physical relationship, and some would argue that that was only surface deep.
“Zack?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you ever get lonely?”
“Lonely?” Zack repeated, and he sounded surprised by the question. “I live in a huge house with a bunch of other men who come and go as they please. I never feel lonely. In fact… sometimes I crave loneliness.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Do you miss not having a partner in life?” I asked, deciding to go down this road despite my reservations.
“Oh,” Zack said, with understanding. “You mean a woman?”
“Yes.”
He was obviously uncomfortable with the question. I saw the discomfort solidify itself in the mask he always wore when he was trying to hide how he really felt.
“I have tons of women,” he bragged cockily. “More than I know what to do with.”
“I’m not talking about casual sex,” I said impatiently.
“What else would I go to a woman for?” he asked.
I recoiled from him and looked down at the breadboard in front of me. “You know what? Forget I ever said anything. It was a stupid question to ask in the first place. Of course you’re not capable of having a real relationship with a woman because women are only commodities and possessions in this kind of lifestyle. I shouldn’t even be surprised.
“Scratch what I said before. I don’t have anything to worry about where leaving this place is concerned. I don’t really belong here. I never did. I’ve just clung to this false sense of security because it’s easier than focusing on the fact that Walter is still out there and waiting for revenge. The truth is, once he’s found and out of my life for good, starting new someplace far away sounds perfect. In fact… I can’t wait to leave.”
“Great,” Zack responded, in a tone that suggested he was equally offended by what I had just said. “I’m sure you’ll find a straight-laced guy who’ll bore you to happiness.”
“At least I’ll be happy,” I said, dropping the bread in my hand and walking away from him.
He abandoned his task too and turned to me. “Please… that’s not happiness. It’s just another form of entrapment. It’s just socially acceptable, so you’ll convince yourself it’s what you want.”
“What the fuck do you know about what I want?” I demanded.
“More than you do.”
“You’re an asshole.”
Zack walked towards me until we were almost nose-to-nose. He was very much taller than me, but I didn’t let that intimidate me. I pulled myself up to my fullest height and stared him down.
“Sure,” he agreed. “I’m an asshole, and you’re hopelessly in love with me.”
I bristled at his words and stared at him in shock.
“What?” he challenged. “Nothing to say now?”
“I… that’s… You are dreaming—dreaming—if you think I’m in love with you.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” Zack laughed. “I’m sure it makes you feel better.”
“I don’t have to tell myself anything,” I stormed. “You are the last man on earth I would ever fall in love with. You’re arrogant and rude and violent and—”
“Strong and confident and passionate and exciting,” Zack interrupted. “And you know you’re attracted to me. You’re just scared to admit it.”
“Why would I be scared to admit that?” I demanded.
“Because you’re scared of me,” Zack said unapologetically. “And you’re scared of the life I live.”
I stared at him for a shocked second, and then I turned and walked out of the kitchen without another word.
Chapter Nineteen
Zack
She had been avoiding me for almost three full days now. It was almost certain proof that what I’d said to her had hit close to home. It had to be, right? At least that was what I was hoping for, and the thought that I was right kept me going. It was really my only source of happiness because the Walter Black trail had gone cold.
I was riding my guys hard to try and find some leads, but the truth was I had done my own share of digging, and I’d come up blank. Which only proved that Godwin was deeply involved in this whole set up, and I was sure it was exactly that—a set up to lure me to my fall. It would be sweet revenge for Godwin after what had happened with his son and the former glory of his club. Which was not to say that he hadn’t still retained some of the mystique, but it was a much smaller club with a much smaller hold.
He had also lost a lot of money during the turf war, and he wasn’t likely to forget that easily either. But there was one thing that gave me some measure of comfort in all of this. It was clear that Godwin was weary of coming at us directly, out in the open. He was resorting to these backhanded methods, hoping to piss us off so badly that we came at him.
He was scared to be the first one to break the truce, and a part of me liked to think he was unsure about the turnout of another fight. Which was why he was being so shady about how he was approaching this. I wondered who this new guy Walter Black might really be. But in the end, I decided it didn’t matter. He was a threat to Mila, and I was going to make sure he could never come after her again.
Mila… I sighed inwardly every time I thought of her. She had barely even trained with me the last few days. The first day she had told me she was sick, and she hadn’t trained at all. The second day she had shown up only in the evening after spending most of the morning in her room. Then, she had trained only with Devon and Red, before retiring back to her room with a small plate of food. Then yesterday she had trained with me only for an hour, during which she didn’t say a word to me except to heed my instructions. Then she had run to Bones the moment he entered the training ring and didn’t look my way once.
I had given her the space she obviously needed, but part of me was confused. Maybe she wasn’t avoiding me because I had been right. Maybe she was avoiding me because I was so completely wrong that she didn’t want to encourage my beliefs by continuing to spend time with me.
I thought about going out tonight and getting laid by some random woman whose name I would never ask and whose face I would forget by tomorrow. But even the thought of sleeping with another woman at the moment made my stomach turn. It was the first time I’d ever experienced something like that, and it was alarming in and of itself.
“Hey, man,” Lonny said, walking into the living room. “We’re going for a ride today. You want to join?”
I paused, seriously considering it. “All of you?”
“Yeah.”
“Someone has to stay behind to make sure Mila is safe,” I pointed out.
“Red’s not coming with us, right?”
“Red’s not spending the night at the clubhouse at all,” I said. “In fact, he left a few minutes ago. He’s spending the night with his new girl.”
“Fuck, I forgot about Mila.”
I pursed my lips together; unfortunately, forgetting about Mila was not something I had managed to do since she walked into my life. Or to be more accurate, since I’d stormed her apartment and staged a fake kidnapping attempt with her brother.
“I can ask Devon to stay with her,” Lonny suggested.
“He wasn’t going to ride with you?” I asked.
“No, he was, but I figured it’s his sister, he wouldn’t mind staying behind after all.”
“Scratch that,” I said. “I’ll stay. I’m not in the mood to ride tonight anyway.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah, you guys go ahead.”
Lonny nodded and headed out. In fifteen minutes, I heard the revving of powerful engines and one by one, each motorbike took off, creating grating music that somehow managed to be soothing to my ears. Only a true motorbike lover would feel that way; I knew that much. When the boys had cleared the house, smoky silence descended, and I was aware that Mila and I were the only ones in the house anymore. And knowing the boys, we probably would be for a while.
A few minutes later, I saw Mila appear on the staircase. Her expression was searching, and I knew she had heard the collective sounds of the motorbikes leave.
She saw me, and I saw a veil go up across her face. She hesitated slightly, wondering whether she should come down or go back up to her room.
“Where is everyone?” she asked.
“Just left,” I replied. “On a ride.”
“Oh,” Mila nodded. “Red?”
“Left for the night.”
“Tony?”
“Spending the weekend with his kids.”
“Devon?”
“He’s on the ride with the boys.”
She seemed to realize at that moment that the two of us were completely alone together. I knew she was about to head back to her room.
“I don’t bite, you know,” I said, hoping that would bait her into staying.
She raised her eyebrows. “I know.”
“I’m just saying… in case you were scared to be alone with me.”
“I’m not scared of you… period,” she snapped back, with fire in her eyes. “I’m not scared of you, and I’m not scared of the fucking life you live.”
She had taken the bait, and I had to fight back a smile. “Sorry… I just like to call it like I see it.”
She stormed down the steps and sat down opposite me. “If I were so fucking scared, I wouldn’t be here, ok? I would have run a long time ago.”
I smiled, and that caught her off guard a little. “What?” she demanded.
I shrugged. “Nothing, it’s just that you sounded a little like one of us just then.”
Her eyes went wide for a moment, and I saw a fleeting flash of panic set in her eyes. Just as suddenly as it had appeared, it vanished leaving behind a certain amount of bracing calm.
“Where do you guys go when you ride together?” Mila asked.
“Wherever,” I said. “Doesn’t really matter. The point is simply to ride. We usually find a nice little watering hole somewhere to sit down, grab a couple of beers… meet a couple of women.”
“Is that what you do, too?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Mila looked down for a moment. “How many women have you been with?” she asked, out of the blue.
I raised my eyebrows, not having expected that question. But Mila didn’t look like she was taking it back. It was clear she still wanted an answer. I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going, but I knew I had to be honest.
“More than I can count,” I replied. “I lost track a long time ago.”
“And it never gets… empty?” she asked.
“Why should it?” I countered. “Sex with strangers isn’t something that ever gets old. There are no strings, no unnecessary commitments, and no responsibilities. You meet, you fuck, and then you forget. It’s simple, it’s easy, and I would even call it poetic.”
“Did you say poetic?” Mila asked. “Or pathetic.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. I could see her expression clearly now. She was looking for a fight, and I was rising to her bait just like she had risen to mine a few moments ago. She was frustrated about something, and she wanted to let off a little steam. I recognized the feeling. I felt it too a lot of the time.
“What’s pathetic about it?” I asked.
“You’re a grown man who is terrified of his feelings.”
“I’m actually very aware of my feelings.”
“Bullshit,” Mila said immediately. “You have no clue.” Mila rolled her eyes. “I’ve been here for six weeks now,” she pointed out. “I haven’t seen or heard of you bringing home a woman even once since I’ve arrived.”
I paused. She had noticed. “So… what’s your point?”
“Something has stopped you from sleeping around with random strangers since I came here.”
I saw the point she was trying to make. It was the same one I had made about her the other day, and when it was thrown in my face, I didn’t like it one bit either.
“That’s nothing but a coincidence,” I said defensively.
“Is it?”
“I’ve just been busy running around trying to find your boyfriend—”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Mila corrected quickly.
“Whatever… that I haven’t had time to concentrate on anything else.”
“You did have time to take me out to dinner once though… remember?” Mila pointed out.
“That was…” I stumbled over my words, realizing that I didn’t have an excuse I could give her.
“That was what?” Mila persisted. “That was kindness… sentimentality… what was it, Zack?”
“It was pity,” I snapped. “I felt sorry for you… that’s all.”
“Fuck you,” Mila said, rising to her feet. “I thought you told me you were always honest. Where’s the honesty in that lie?”
I stood up to, completely losing track of anything smart to say. “Just so you know, I’ve fucked tons of women since you came here. I just haven’t brought them here… out of respect.”
I saw Mila pause for a moment, wondering if that really was true. I could see her doubt and uncertainty, and it hurt me a little, despite the fact that my intention had been to create it in the first place.
“Respect?” she repeated, after a silent second. “Since when have you ever respected me?”
“I respected you enough to let you stay in my house,” I pointed out. “I respected you enough to train you and teach you and treat you like an equal.”
Mila took a step towards me and stared straight up at me. I saw tears pool in the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t look sad at all. It was just moisture created from the depth of her emotion and the heat of our conversation. I could almost feel waves of steam wafting off our bodies.
“Please… don’t pretend to be someone you’re not,” Mila said, narrowing her eyes at me. “I can see the persona you want to portray to the world. But I see past you.”
I took another step towards her. “Or maybe… you’re just incapable of seeing the real me. Because one thing is clear… you don’t know me.”
“And you don’t know me,” Mila said heatedly. “So don’t presume to think that I feel something I don’t.”
“Is this about our conversation the other day?” I asked, giving her a mocking smile.
“Let’s make one thing very clear,” she said. “I am not in love with you. You are all wrong for me.”
“Just because I’m all wrong for you does not mean you are not in love with me,” I said. “See, Mila? I do know you. You may not like to admit that, and I can understand why. But I do know you. But admitting that means you’re forced to admit that I’m right about you… and you’re scared.”
Mila was silent for a long time. I thought for a second she would just turn around and walk out of me, but it was almost like she was coming to terms with her feelings as we stood there, facing off against one another.
“Maybe I am scared,” she said suddenly, and I raised my eyes in surprise. “But you know what I see when I look at you? I recognize the same fear.”
“Me? I… I’m not scared of anything.”
Mila laughed. “You’re an idiot, Zack. You know why? Because you kissed me the first day I moved into this house, because you listened to my past and my pain and my fears. Because you made it your mission to make sure I could defend myself, because you stayed away from other woman ever since I came into your life. Don’t you get it? If you think I’m scared… if you think I’m in love with you… then the feeling is mutual, buddy. Because you fell in love with me the moment you set eyes on me. And that’s the truth you’re so scared to admit.”
I stood there, frozen in place, wondering why her words had the power to render me speechless. Why did they have the power to create goosebumps on my skin? Why was I standing there like some mute idiot, trying to find a way to pick apart her argument… but coming up with none?
I was not the kind of guy who fell in love. I was not the kind of guy who wanted that kind of feeling in my life. Because past experience had taught me that love was pain… and loss and heartbreak. It had been for my parents, and I had vowed as a teenager to stay away from it.
But the denial was slowly starting to fall away, and I realized that I couldn’t hide from it any longer. I had wanted to stay away from love my whole life, but I no longer had the choice.
Chapter Twenty
Mila
I saw a hundred different emotions flit across his face. He was unaccustomed to being confronted like this, and it was more powerful because it was true. I felt a strange sense of triumph, but it was weighted down in my own realization. I may have been right about Zack, but he was right about me too. I did love him… and I could no longer deny that.
It felt like an eternity could have passed in that moment. The silence ticked by, and it felt like infinity was contained within that space. I saw two possible futures… two possible alternatives that hung in the air, waiting patiently for a decision to be made.
The first alternative was the more beautiful one, but it was also the more idealistic one. I saw Zack snap out of the silence and walk towards me. I saw him kiss me passionately and profess his love to me. I saw the two of us a couple of years down the road, with a home of our own and a couple of children playing in the backyard. I saw a sensible car in the driveway, right next to Zack’s Harley. I saw a life of domestic bliss that seemed so far-reaching and yet it tasted so close.
The second alternative was far less beautiful and far more realistic. I saw Zack snap out of the silence with bitterness in his eyes. I saw him walk away from me, get on his bike, and drive off. I saw us a couple of years down the road, but it wasn’t an ‘us’ I was seeing. We were on separate paths now. I was living in a different city surrounded by faceless people I knew were friends. Zack was in this house, drinking and fucking random women and refusing to think too hard about the past. I blinked once, and both possibilities faded away, leaving only the present.
“I’m not the kind of guy you would be happy with,” Zack said, breaking the silence.
“I know,” noticing that he didn’t deny anything I’d just aimed at him.
“I’m not easy, I’m not compromising, and I’m not always kind,” he continued.
“I know that too.”
“I don’t know what you want.”
“I don’t know what I want either,” I said.
He walked towards me slowly, and I wondered what that meant. He came to a stop in front of me and looked into my eyes. “When this is over,” he said. “You’ll move on with your life… and I’ll move on with mine,” he said.
I sighed and nodded.
“That’s what you want, isn’t it?” he asked, and I was surprised that he phrased it as a question. Was he searching for a different answer? Was he waiting for me to tell him something new… something different… something that left us with some hope for a future?
“I told you,” I said honestly. “I don’t know what I want.”
Zack’s eyes dropped, and I could no longer see his expression. I took a step towards him, feeling my anger and frustration and uncertainty fade away as my mind realized that I had just made a decision.
“But there is one thing that I do know for certain,” I said.
Zack’s eyes came up to meet my own. “What is that?” he asked.
I moved right into the curve of his body, and I felt his arms twitch slightly, as though he wanted to grab a hold of me but was preventing himself from moving too freely.
“I’m ready,” was all I said.
I saw his eyebrows rise slightly, and I wondered if it was just my imagination or if I had just seen nervousness flit across his face.
“Ready?” he repeated, like he wanted to be doubly sure.
“I want to be with you… I’m ready,” I clarified.
He hesitated, and I frowned. “Isn’t this what you’ve been after since I moved into the house?” I asked, noticing that he didn’t drop his hands from my waist. “You’ve wanted to fuck me since I got here.”
“Is this what you want?” he asked.
“Does it matter?”
“Actually… it does to me,” Zack replied, and I felt my love for him expand.
I nodded. “It is what I want. I know that when this is all over… we’re going to go our separate ways. But that doesn’t matter right now. For right now, I just want to be with you.”
His hands tightened around my waist, and he pulled me in with a kiss that sent shivers of pleasure shooting straight to my toes. I remembered that first kiss we had shared, and if it was even possible, this one was even better. I could feel his fingers against my back, and his cock pushed up against my thigh. He was rock hard, and the knowledge made me almost euphoric.
He pulled the t-shirt I was wearing up and over my head. Then, he unzipped my jeans and pulled them down my legs with excessive slowness, as though he wanted to take his time. I assumed his hard-on must have been uncomfortable, but he didn’t let it show. In fact, he seemed least bothered by it. I stepped out of my jeans with his help, aware that I was almost nearly naked, and he was still fully clothed.
He kissed my stomach as he straightened back up into a standing position. Then he unhooked my bra and slipped it off me. Instinctively, my hands went up to try and shield my breasts from view, but Zack pulled my hands down and caressed my breasts softly. That sent a shiver down between my legs, and I felt myself relax a little.
Then he took my hand and led me to the couch where he laid me down with excessive care. Once I was lying down flat, he leaned down over me so that his weight was not on me. Then he kissed me while his hands worked on my breasts, squeezing my nipples gently as he went. After a few minutes, he pushed himself lower down on the sofa and gently pulled off my panties, and I felt myself tense a little. But then he stepped back and started stripping down. My eyes scoured over his body. He was amazing to look at. I had seen his naked chest and his arms before, but everything else was new. His cock was so impressive that I could barely take my eyes off it.
Once he was naked, he settled between my legs again and pushed them open, and a moment later, I felt his tongue on my pussy. I gasped in shock at the waves of new sensations that gripped my body. I was so in my head that I couldn’t fully appreciate it until a minute had passed. Then my body started overtaking my head, and I felt little gasps escape my mouth without any permission from me.
He stayed down there until I was practically screaming in unintelligible screams that were made of pure pleasure. I was soaking wet when he settled himself on top of me and slipped inside me. I knew the first time was supposed to hurt, but I didn’t feel a thing other than desire. Nothing about this hurt, and I was so thankful that I had waited for Zack. It wouldn’t have been worth it, having sex for the first time with any other man.
I had seen how powerful and strong and relentless Zack could be. I had seen the power in his punches, the speed and agility of his movements in a fight. I had admired how fearless he seemed to be. And despite the fact that I hated the violence, a part of me recognized the beauty in it. Having observed all this in him, it was shocking to me to find how gentle he was.
Nothing about the sex was rough or violent or frightening. He slipped in and out of me easily, he caressed my body with gentle care, and he kissed me passionately but softly. It was one of the more revelatory experiences of my life, and I knew that no matter where I went or whom I met, I would never forget this experience. I would make sure I could never forget it. Even as it was happening, I promised myself that I would go over this memory in my head so often that it could never fade into vagueness.
The orgasm built slowly. I marveled at his staying power. I knew that for many men, being able to stay erect for this long without cumming was a serious talent. It had to have been almost thirty minutes before I even registered that Zack was trying to fight back his own orgasm in order to make sure I came first.
It was the most amazing feeling in the world. And a part of me wished that cumming could be as easy as brushing your teeth before bed. I felt my body open up. I felt like a bundle of nerve endings all rolled together in a cacophony of sensual sensations. I shivered and writhed as I came, and clinging on to Zack’s body was my only way keeping my screams somewhat modest.
A small part of me was aware that Zack came too, only moments after I did. For the first minute or two afterward, all I heard was the heavy sound of my breathing mixed in with Zack’s. As I ran my hand up and down his spine, I felt the slick moisture of his sweat. We lay together for a long time until the magic of the moment had passed, and reality slowly seeped in.
We sat up together, and I reached for my clothes. I didn’t bother with the underwear. I just pulled on my jeans and the t-shirt I had been wearing. Zack pulled on his boxers, and we sat side by side for a moment. I could hear the unspoken question between us.
“Where do we go from here?”
“I should… get back to my room,” I said when the silence stretched on and on.
Zack turned to me, and for a moment, all I wanted him to do was take my hand and tell me to stay with him. But instead, he nodded. “Ok,” he said.