Chapter Sixteen
Jace
I sat there for a long time after Daphne left, pondering my own demise. It was bad enough that I had sex. Not much was going to trump that, unless someday I decided to commit murder. Dear God, forgive me for that thought. I was kidding, and it was completely inappropriate. She’s right. What kind of priest am I?
I just couldn’t believe that she was part of my church. Of all of the women I could have messed up with, I had to choose one that was an active part of the church…and it sounded like she’d been a virgin. How the hell did I not notice that?
Sorry, Lord; I didn’t mean to sit in the confessional and cuss. I didn’t mean to get drunk, and I didn’t mean to have sex. I didn’t mean to yell at the beautiful young woman that I’d duped into giving her virginity to a priest.
God, it just gets worse and worse. I had to talk to someone. I’d blurted it all out and tried to get some kind of sympathy from my brothers that day we had lunch, or at the very least, words of wisdom.
Once they recovered from the shock, Ryan thought it was back slapping and sordid details time. When he found out I wasn’t bragging, he lost interest. Max just kept looking at me with that serious big brother look he gets on his face when he’s worried. I’d felt sick as soon as I said it out loud and quickly found an excuse to leave.
I knew who I needed to talk to. The one person who would always forgive me, but never let me get away with anything: Grandma. I spent another hour listening to confessions and then left and drove into Boston. When I got to Grandma’s gravesite, I saw that she had fresh flowers all over it. It looked like Rye and Max had been there recently, too.
“Hey, Grandma. I hope that you’re dancing happily in the Promised Land. I know if anyone deserved to go to Heaven, it’s you. I sure do miss you, though. I miss you so much that my chest hurts all the time. I don’t know what to do without you.
“I screwed up so badly. It’s so bad that I don’t know how to fix it, or if there is any way to fix it. I got drunk and I had sex…” I shuddered. It was the first time I’d heard myself say it out loud.
“I broke my vows and the sacraments, and not only do I have my Lord to answer to…but the young lady I had sex with, as well. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to explain to her that priests are human and have the same urges as other humans…but we’re not supposed to act on them.
“Now that I have, is that it for me? I can still remember how this woman smelled and the way her skin felt so soft. Her hair was silky, and God help me, but I loved the feel of it in my face. Please help me, Grandmother. Please tell me what to do. I’m so lost.”
I sat there for a while with tears rolling down my face I was waiting for an answer that wasn’t forthcoming. Finally, I told my grandmother how much I loved her once more and said goodbye.
With trepidation in my soul, I drove back to Lexington and towards the address Daphne left me. It was time to come face-to-face with the consequences of my bad decisions.
I hated to admit it, but the closer I get to being alone with her, the more I realize that the hardest part was going to be not being able to touch her again. She accused me of being too drunk to remember, but the truth is that the memory of touching her was as fresh in my mind as if it only just happened…and my fingers ached to touch her again.