I hold my head helplessly in my hands as disappointment crushes through me. It doesn’t matter how deep I dig into this, I keep getting the same answer over and over again. And it isn’t the answer I want.

“So, there was definitely a funeral?” I ask the kind lady who works in the local café. “You went?”

“Oh no, I didn’t go.” She shakes her head vigorously. “No one went but family, Bryan was very insistent about that. But I can understand. No parent should have to bury their child. It’s an utter travesty.”

“But the boy’s mom didn’t go, did she? Do you know why that is?”

She chews down on her bottom lip, looking like a guilty thought might be running through her brain. She darts her eyes from side to side to check that no one is listening in before she leans forward. She speaks so quietly to guarantee that no one can hear her but me. “She hasn’t ever been very… stable. I don’t like to be mean about it, but Bryan truly is a saint. He puts up with a lot from his wife and her… issues. We all know it and talk about how good he is with her all the time. She puts a lot of pressure on him since he’s already such a busy man.”

My instincts want to snap back that this cannot possibly be true. I know Savannah well and there’s no way she can be like that… but I stop myself at the last second. The girl I know is from a decade ago, she doesn’t really exist anymore, and to be honest, spending time with her and following up on this investigation hasn’t convinced me otherwise. It’s clear that she has a hard life and that it affects her deeply. This does make unfortunate sense.

“And so, he was just trying to protect her by organizing everything for her. He organized and got the funeral out of the way so she wouldn’t fall apart. He knew that she’d blame herself and since she was already in hospital it seemed like the kind thing to do, you know? So, she didn’t have to witness and say goodbye.”

“But…” I fiddle with the cup in my hands, discomfort creeping through my veins. “Don’t you think it would help her? To get some closure, I mean? It seems a bit cruel to keep her away.”

The lady shrugs. “I don’t know, to be honest. It’s a tough one. I suppose he just did what he thought was for the best. I suppose it’s one of the judgement calls and we don’t always get it right. Plus, she’s really struggled with it anyway, he hasn’t been able to shield her from the pain and blame she puts on herself so I suppose it doesn’t matter. Bryan just tried and now he’s stuck in a hopeless situation.”

I nod slowly and try to digest this. There are certain people who I expect to be on Bryan’s side, the people in this city who he controls, but even the people who I can’t imagine have anything to do with him all seem to agree on the same story. The boy is dead and Savannah just can’t handle it. She’s falling apart.

I sigh as I think about her heart broken face. I can almost see what she’s going through, even if I don’t understand it myself since I’m not a parent myself. She truly is destroyed; her heart has been shattered. I guess the question is if it’s been shattered enough to tip her over the edge. I’m scared the answer is yes.

“Okay, well thank you for helping me out anyway.” I hold up my cup in a cheers gesture. “I appreciate it.”

“Why do you want to know anyway? Are you a part of the family, or something?”

“Yeah, something like that.” That seems like the easiest answer. It’s the one I’ve been giving when people finally dish over all the gossip and they get suspicious. “Thank you again. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.”

I was going to take a seat in the café while I figure things out but I now think I have something more important that needs to be done. If Savannah really is this close to the edge then I need to speak to her, to tell her face to face that I can’t find anything out. She said if I couldn’t then she would believe me, and while there’s a small part in my brain screaming at me that I’m giving up way too easily, despite asking everyone I come across, I’m going to have to ignore it in the end. It’ll never feel like enough because the woman that I love is missing her child, but I can’t keep looking forever. We’ve been apart for a decade and in that time my life has moved on. I need to get back to that life because it’s real. I don’t know what this is, but it isn’t my reality, that’s for sure.

With a deep sigh, I grab my cell phone and I hit dial on her number before I can change my mind. While it rings, I regret everything, I half wish I never came back so I don’t have to take away her dream of getting her child back, but I suppose if it helps her then what else can I do? I have to be the one with the bad news.

“Jayden?” A sharp female voice answers, but it doesn’t belong to Savannah.

“Erm, yes?” I’m confused. Am I about to be dragged deeper under the waters of confusion. “It is.”

“Oh right, it’s Pippa. I was Savannah’s roommate in college for a while. I don’t know if you remember?”

Her face floods my mind and I almost smile. This is a good sign. If she still has friends from her past then she can’t be that bad. I know Pippa too. Not as well as Savannah, but it helps. “Yes, I remember.”

“Right, I’m not too sure why you’re back, Savannah never gave me that much, but I’m glad you are…”

“She called me and asked me to come back to find her son. She er… doesn’t think he’s dead.”

Pippa’s silence speaks volumes. It tells me everything I already knew, but somehow, hearing it (or not hearing it as the case might be) from her is a million times worse. I don’t like the sad hollow feeling it gives me.

“I see.” She sounds sad. “I think we better meet up face to face, don’t you?”

“Yes, that’s probably for the best. Then you can tell me what’s going on here.”

“Right. Do you remember the café by the casino? Can we meet there in half an hour?”

“Sure. Sounds good. And… where is Savannah? Is everything okay?”

“She’s staying with me. She’s fine.” That fills me with relief. At least she isn’t with Bryan. Whichever version of him is the truth I would rather her be away from him. “I won’t tell her that I’m meeting you though. I think this is something we need to do alone so I can be more honest with you.”

“Yeah, I would love that… that sounds amazing.” I blow out a breath, letting out just a small bit of the tension that I’ve been carrying around with me. “I will see you in a little bit then.”

As I hang up the phone I’m actually glad that Pippa answered the phone instead of Savannah. She’s got answers and it means I can put off disappointing her for just a little bit longer. I don’t want to say those words. Not yet. I haven’t yet figured out how to tell her that her son really isn’t alive.

Urgh, it’s going to be a total nightmare.

I guess my only hope now is that Pippa will tell me something different. That she will know something to put an end to all of this. Something positive as well. I could really use that right now.

“This is odd, isn’t it?” Pippa twirls her fingers around each other awkwardly. “But I suppose it always is when it’s me and you and Savannah is nowhere to be seen. I haven’t forgotten about the last time.”

“No.” I hang my head sadly. “I haven’t either. That was… something else.”

“And I suppose you’re wondering what’s going on here now. Ten years on and there’s still drama in Savannah’s life. Some things never change, I suppose.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that call and it… well, it certainly shook things up a bit.”

Pippa eyes me curiously. “So, what did your girlfriend think about you leaping up and leaving your life behind to come and help an ex from a decade ago? I don’t think I would have been happy…”

“No, there’s no girlfriend. No one but Tommy who I live with in my army barracks.”

She nods slowly. “Okay, so can I ask why you’re here because Savannah is married?”

“No, I know. I haven’t come back for anything in particular. I just came to help. She said she needed me.”

“Right, I see. And now you know why, right? Because of this mess with Peter?”

I lean in closer because I need this part of the conversation to be private. “What’s going on with that? Because Savannah is convinced that he isn’t dead and that something’s happened involving her husband.”

“Look, I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t like Bryan. He’s an asshole. But I don’t know about what she’s saying. It’s really hard for me, I don’t want to say that she’s not telling the truth because I always want to believe my friend, but… I don’t know, really. I don’t know if she’s just giving herself something to believe in.”

I let my head fall onto the table, this is terrible news. Poor, poor Savannah. I would do anything to make her feel a little better right now, but what can I do? Hope is slipping through my fingers like sand.

“So, what do we do?” I ask in a muffled tone through my arms. “How can we make this okay?”

“I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that I need to get her some help. Like, proper medical professional help, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with her, I don’t know how she’ll take it.”

I have had this image of Savannah in my brain for a decade. She’s the carefree, fun loving girl whose friendship I cherished, who I enjoyed being with so much that I rapidly fell in love with her. I guess I thought I would still find that now, but she’s broken, shattered, fallen to bits. I want to piece her back together but I can’t do it alone.

“Okay, well just know that I’m here.” I force my eyes up to meet hers. “I’m here to help you with whatever. If you want me to be there while you tell her then I will. I just want her to be well again.”

Pippa reaches her hand out to touch mine and she gives me a grateful smile. “Thank you, Jayden. You’re a good guy. I wish… well, I don’t want to say anything too much but I wish things were different.”

I nod slowly. “Yeah, me too. You have no idea how much.”

We share a sorrowful look, thinking about everything that lies ahead. It definitely isn’t going to be an easy road, I don’t know how the hell we’re going to be about it, but at least I’m not alone in this now. There’s more than one person who cares about Savannah, so it should be fine.

Should be.

“I bet you’re wishing that you never came back now, aren’t you?”

“Actually, I’m glad. I don’t want Savannah to ever think she’s alone.”

I just wish I had her son too, I feel like that’s the only thing that would really make her happy.