I probably shouldn’t have another drink, I know I shouldn’t. My head is spinning and I feel all sick inside but my fingers are pouring another one anyway. It’s like I’ve lost all control of myself. How am I supposed to act all normal like nothing is going on when my husband is into something dodgy? Potentially dangerous? Now that I’ve seen the paper in his office, not that I understand it fully, I’m scared some criminals will come bursting through the door at any given moment. I need the drink to calm me the hell down already!

“Ooh!” I jump, my heart thundering against my sternum. “What was that?” I’m sure I heard a banging sound. “Is anyone… is anyone there?” Am I slurring my words? “Hello? Is anyone there?”

I don’t know what I’m doing, like anyone who’s here to harm or rob me would answer? ‘Oh yeah, sure here I am” Just come to steal some shit, I hope that’s okay!’ No, that won’t ever happen, but there’s still a chill running up and down my spine. I can’t stop it. I fold my arms across my chest wishing that Jayden were with me. Holding me, hugging me, taking care of me in the way that only he can… with his strong arms and his muscular body…

“Fuck!” I jump as Bryan’s voice rings through the house, stunning me to the core. “Savannah!”

I gulp down and immediately put my glass on the nearest side. I don’t want him to know I’ve been drinking. I might be able to hide it, especially if he’s been drinking as well which he probably has.

“Y… yes?” I call out, trying to keep the slurring to a minimum. “I’m in here.”

He staggers through the house, I can tell by his footsteps that he’s pretty much staggering. Both of us drunk doesn’t exactly spell for a positive evening. I’m sad, upset by what he’s seen, and he’ll be mad…

“Oh, fucking God.” He sneers in my direction the moment he joins me in the kitchen. “Look at the state of you. You look a mess. Have you been drinking? Are you becoming into one of those sad drunk housewives?”

I part my lips with a retort but it doesn’t quite come out. I don’t know how he can come here with that attitude when it’s clear from the smell and sight of him that he’s been with another woman tonight.

“You look disgusting, Savannah, I honestly don’t know what we’re doing here…”

“I found something.” Shit, those words flew out of my mouth before I felt ready for them. I suppose I’ll have to go with it now. I need to say it anyway so why not now? I was all angry when he went out but now that so much time has gone past and I just feel upset. “In your office, I found something.” I gulp down wishing I’d planned this talk out a bit more. “Something about money that seemed dodgy… and included my father.”

His face goes through a range of expressions and colors. As it does I feel my blood run ice cold. It’s clear this is something I shouldn’t have seen. But then… surely, that means it’s something worrying. Something that could involve Peter. I don’t know how it’ll involve Peter, but it has to… it just needs to, right?

Finally, Bryan settles on purple and very, very angry. “What the fuck are you doing going through my stuff?”

“I didn’t go through your stuff, I found it by accident. When I was in there earlier…”

“You fucking bitch. I cannot believe that you would look through my personal stuff.” He steps closer to me and looms above me. As I dart my eyes up at him I feel threatened. I don’t know what it is about him but he’s like a storm cloud about ready to burst. “You absolute slut. You don’t know what you’re fucking with.”

“No, I don’t.” I throw my hands up in distress. “I don’t know, but I want to. I want to know everything. I want to know what the hell happened to my son. Do you understand that? I want Peter back.”

He rolls his eyes before grabbing onto my wrists and holding them up above my head. I feel small and vulnerable, like he could snap me at any given moment. “Peter is gone.” His spit flows across my face. “He’s dead. You need to stop this, Savannah, it’s getting ridiculous now. You certainly don’t want to get up in my business because you’re too sad and pathetic to deal with what’s happened. Do you understand?”

I almost nod, just to shut him up but of course, I don’t have the control over myself right now. The alcohol has loosened me and my mouth runs free. “No, I don’t understand. Not at all. I can’t accept it. I never will.”

“You silly idiot.” He shoves me away, pushing me hard. Because I’ve been drinking I stagger backwards until I hit the wall behind me. I slump to the ground with my head aching. Then the tears start coming. Despite the argument we’re in the middle of having I half expect Bryan to feel bad for shoving me, even if the fall wasn’t necessarily his fault, and to pick me up, but he doesn’t. He stands over me with his hands on his hips and he sneers down at me. “You are fucking pathetic, Savannah. Disgustingly so. No wonder your son is dead, you don’t deserve him. If you were a better mother then maybe he would still be here now.”

A sob racks through my chest, my face soaks with tears, his words hurt hard. “No, Bryan, I…”

“You let him go, you left Peter near the road and he got hit by that fucking truck.”

“No, no,” I try to sound rational but the snot thickens in my nose. It’s impossible to sound sane with snot bubbling. “He isn’t dead. He didn’t get hit by the truck, I saw him… I saw those men.”

“Oh, Savannah.” Bryan rolls his eyes and snorts. “I know your story, I’ve heard your excuses, and it’s all bullshit. I don’t want to hear your fantasy again. Your son is dead because of you.”

“No,” I wail, my eyes falling closed as I see what he’s telling me happened. The truck killing my darling baby boy. I can hardly handle it, which is how I know it can’t possibly be the truth. “No, that’s false.”

“Get up.” Bryan grabs my hands and he roughly tugs me into a standing position. It aches painfully in my shoulders. “Get your pathetic ass to bed. I don’t want to look at you like this. You make me feel sick.”

“But, Peter…” I stammer, unable to give it up. “And the paper. What about that I saw…”

He grabs me again and this time he slams me against the wall. It hurts my back like hell and I start to shiver with fear. My stomach feels ice cold, I actually think he might really go for me right now.

“You didn’t see anything; do you hear me? You saw nothing at all. You might want to shut your mouth.”

I don’t say anything but his grip tightens. I’m sure I’ll have finger bruises carved into my arm tomorrow.

“You will never talk about what you’ve seen because you haven’t seen anything, do you get it?”

His grip tightens, it’s definitely a warning and now I’m scared as hell. I must have stumbled on something here, but it’s leaving Bryan unhinged, backed into a corner and very dangerous.

“I… I won’t,” I finally blurt out. “I won’t say anything.”

Bryan squeezes one more time before releasing me. He shoves me to the side so I fall again. There’s no mistaking it this time, this is what he wants to happen. He wants me hurt and scared.

“Now, I’m going to bed, and when I wake up in the morning I don’t want to hear about Peter again.”

I keep my head hung low and I wait for him to stomp up the stairs. He waits for a while, enjoying me stewing. I can almost feel the sick pleasure rolling off him in waves. My shoulders tense up and hunch around my ears and that’s where they stay until I hear the thumping of him finally going and leaving me alone.

Once he slams the bedroom door behind him I bounce to my feet and I grab my cell phone. Usually I would find some corner to sleep in until Bryan wakes up in the morning to act like nothing happened. I can’t do that this time, not after what just happened. That’s the closest we’ve ever got to violence in our relationship. I need to get out. Luckily, I have the most amazing friend in the world who will be there for me no matter what.

I race from the house and sneak through the front door with my hart thundering in my ears. I run down the drive way until I feel far enough away that I can call my friend. My hand trembles as I try to dial, the terror combined with the alcohol I’ve consumed definitely isn’t the best combination in the world. I’m such a mess.

“Hello?” Pippa sounds sleepy. I feel terrible for waking her up.

“Pippa, I need help. I… I’m scared. Me and Bryan, we… we had this fight and…”

“Fight?” Now she sounds more alert. “What happened? Do you need me?”

“What happened is that he’s a terrible man,” I sniff. “I hate him, Pippa, and I’m scared. He’s doing something… it’s bad, I don’t know what it is but it’s bad and I need to get away. He… he freaked out when I tried to talk about it and it got… well, rough, I don’t know how to describe it really.”

“Did he hit you?” She doesn’t sound surprised. More resigned as if it would always go this way in the end.

“No, but he pushed me and now… now I’m freaked out and Jayden is here and…”

“Jayden?” She perks up, but more on high alert than this is a good thing. “Why?”

“I need him, Pippa, I really do. I want to be with him instead of Bryan. He’s who I should be with now.”

I can’t believe I’m being so honest but it must be the high level of emotions tearing through me. I do feel that way, but I shouldn’t be admitting it. At least it’s only to Pippa. She’ll love me no matter what.

“Okay, get to the bus stop at the end of your road and I’ll be there to pick you up, okay? You can come and stay with me. You shouldn’t be anywhere near Bryan right now.”

“Okay yes, I’m at the bus stop now. I’ll wait for you. Thank you, Pippa. Thank you so much.”

As she hangs up the phone I slump to the ground in shock and I weep into my knees. This is all so wrong, my whole life is a giant fucking mess, but it’s been that way ever since I lost my son and it won’t go back to anything like normal until I have him back. Once Peter is back in my arms I can start living again.

I stare at my cell phone screen wondering if I should call Jayden too, but I decide against it after what I just confessed aloud. It would be selfish of me to contact him right now. Plus, knowing what he’s like he would probably kill Bryan for putting his hands on me even if it wasn’t a smack.

I want him to be my hero, but I need him to find my son first and foremost. I’ve already given him a job, piled the mess of my life upon him, no way I can make it any worse.