“Are you feeling better this morning, sweetheart?” Bryan is all love and kisses this morning. There isn’t a scrap of anger to be seen in his face which makes me wonder if I battered it last night. I had been drinking, far more than I told anyone, and I have been very much on edge recently. “You look a lot happier.”

“I am, thank you.” I brush my hair out of my face and hand him his coffee cup. “Thanks for taking care of me. How was your event last night? I’m terribly sorry I couldn’t make it. I hope you explained for me…”

“Oh, don’t worry. The Covendis family are very understanding. All of our neighbors are.”

Through his much too fake smile I can see the lies he’s told the people in our community about me. After the tragedy that’s befallen me, people are much too understanding about my ‘’depression’ and ‘mental imbalance’ in person, but what they say behind closed doors must be something else. It also works in Bryan’s favor though.

“Oh good. Well, they are good people. All of our friends are.” Our friends. What a fucking joke.

“I know. And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that they all wish you well.” He grabs me and kisses the top of my forehead. I have to remain still as a statue so I don’t squirm under his touch. “Everyone wants you to recover sooner rather than later. They all miss seeing you around. I said it shouldn’t be too much longer, right?”

The threat is there. I can sense it in the undertone of his words. To the outside world I’m sure we look like the perfect couple. We have it all, the lovely house, the great cars, the money. Bryan has a great job which earns him more every single day. We have friends, a great social life, it seems like our marriage is perfect…

What no one can see is the nasty undercurrent which gets worse every single day.

Bryan hates me, I don’t think he’s ever loved me, even in the beginning when it really seemed like it, I think it was a game now. All of it, just to lure me in. He wants a housewife, someone he considers beautiful on his arm, my family money helps too, I imagine, but he doesn’t want me. He’s never wanted me.

I know he’s fucking other women. His secretary, probably, she’s beautiful. That other girl who works behind the bar he’s always at, as well. But I’m not one of those dumb women who’s trying to ignore what’s going on, I just don’t care. He can do what he wants, the further he’s away from me, the better.

“Oh, I don’t think it’ll be much longer too. In fact, I’m feeling much better already.”

He smiles and kisses the top of my head. His thumb brushes over my cheek and for a second, I think he might actually be being nice to me, trying to comfort me because of everything I’m going through…

But then he says, “you really need to remember to wear make-up, Savannah. You’re coming on for thirty now. It will come for you quicker than you think. Don’t let yourself go, okay?”

I tense up, anger floods every single one of muscles but I leave it there until the front door shuts behind him. Then I let it out in the loudest scream I can manage. I smash my coffee cup against the wall causing the liquid to splash dark brown over all the pristine whiteness, and the china smashes everywhere. It helps me, but only for a second because I know I’m the only one around here to clean that up. It’ll have to be clean before he gets home.

“Peter is your son too, you asshole!” I yell. “Why don’t you care about him? How can you not care?”

I slide to the ground and collapse in a heap on the cold kitchen tiles, all images of a perfect housewife floating away. I know Bryan never loved Peter either, he didn’t get excited when I found out that I was pregnant, and he’s never made any effort with him since he’s been here, but he’s still a part of him. He should be gutted now.

Losing Peter has brought everything into focus, it’s made me see that I shouldn’t be with Bryan, I never should’ve been with him. He’s always been horrible, but I chose to ignore it. I guess deep down I made the decision that it was more important to have that family unit than to be happy.

I got caught up in the hype I suppose, and now it’s falling apart.

Fucking hell. I’m an idiot. I hate myself for being a fucking idiot.

“Peter, mommy loves you,” I call out as if my six year old can hear me somewhere in the house. “I love you so much, I wish you were still here. I wish none of that had happened.” My tears turn into full blown sobs. “I’m a useless mother. I should have protected you, I could’ve done more. Why didn’t I?”

A deep sense of loss encompasses me, but my immune system fights it. A part of me knows that the moment I give in to that sadness it’ll kill me, and while I might be more than ready for that I can’t go out without one last fight. Everyone can tell me that Peter is dead but I refuse to accept it. Not yet.

I scramble upwards, forcing myself to stand. My legs don’t want to hold my weight but the surge of determination won’t give in. My darting brain won’t settle on anything in particular, but I know I need to do something. If my boy is out there somewhere, as his mother, it’s up to me to find him.

I grab my cell phone and the phone book and I look through the pages. I don’t even know what I’m hunting for until I find it. As soon as I do, it seems perfect. A private investigator, that’s what these people are designed for. They find things the cops can’t, they have ways of searching things out. Even if they aren’t always legal…

Yes, this is it. This is what I need to do. I feel good knowing that I’ve chosen correctly.

“No, please don’t hang up!” I cry into the hand set but it’s too late. I’m talking to the dial tone. The third one. No one wants to deal with me, no one will listen. My husband has gotten to them all first and no one will see through that. He’s probably paid them all not to even acknowledge me which makes it very hard.

Suspicious too. I mean, he might have spun them a story where I’m insane and I can’t accept my son’s death, but to me this just confirms that something else is going on here. He’s probably involved.

“Fucking hell!” I scream while smacking my phone against my forehead. “Fuck sake.”

How am I supposed to find my son if there’s no one in the world to assist me? I’ve already proven that I can’t do it alone. I’m useless, stuck here unable to move without my husband’s powerful eye…

Ring, ring… ring, ring…

I jump and nearly drop the phone, an excitement brewing as I think it might be one of those guys calling back. Maybe one of the investigators has had a change of heart. Someone must realize I need them.

“Oh, Pippa.” I hit the answer button. “Hey, Pippa, is everything okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one who asks you that? You left me a rambling voice mail last night.”

“I did?” I have vague memories. But very vague. Almost dream like. “Oh, sorry about that.”

“You were all scared and talking about Peter. Bryan too, I assume he did something?”

“Erm?” I can’t really remember any of it. I know I felt scared but I don’t know why. I mean, I’m used to his temper. It doesn’t usually freak me out, but I suppose if I was drunk then maybe…

“You didn’t just sound wasted. Something was going on. I wish I’d called you last night but I finished late…”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. I was just… well, sad you know. I wanted someone to talk to.”

“Yeah, I know.” She sighs sadly. “It’s hard, I understand that. Do you think you might be allowed to hang out with me any time soon? I’d love to chat with you again, it feels like it’s been forever.”

“Oh, you know it isn’t like that.” I gulp loudly. “He’s just… he keeps me busy.”

We both know that isn’t the case but leave it there. Bryan is something we’re never going to agree on… or actually, I do agree with her but I can’t vocalize it. Not really. Not yet. Although I might be getting closer.

“So, we’re going to hang out soon, yeah? Promise me because I want to check on you.”

“I’m so lucky to have you, Pippa.” I feel emotional. “Honestly, thank you so much for being my best friend.”

She’s the one person who will only be here for me, never him. I love her for that.

“Oh, I have to get to work. My boss is calling.” As a journalist, she’s always on the run. That’s why she works late, early, all the damn time. The only story she didn’t really work on involved me. “I’ll call you later.”

“Yeah, thanks, Pippa. I’ll call you later, no more drunken ramblings, I promise you.”

With that, she leaves. She’s hangs up the phone and I’m left all by myself again. I do have a slightly warmer feeling in my chest. I no longer feel like I’m quite by myself, but she isn’t here right now. Like everyone else, she isn’t here because of him. So many people aren’t here because of him.

“Who now?” I stare at the phone. “Who else do I have? No one, that’s who.”

I sigh and grab a cloth from the side, finally about ready to tackle this coffee stain. Since I can’t push forward and get anywhere, I suppose I should try and make the shitty life I have here a little easier. I mean, I have to stay here for now, there isn’t anywhere I can go until I have this sorted, so I should stop the inevitable row…

Bleep, bleep.

Again, I get that bolt of hope. A PI, someone to help me, a savior…

Jayden: So, I take it you aren’t going to call me then? Shall I forget last night?

“Oh my God. I forgot about that.” I clap my hand against my mouth. “Jayden Walker.”

Maybe he’s it, my answer. My hero. Not someone I’ve spoken to in a decade, pushed away by him but someone who I can trust. Someone who might well have the contacts I need to assist me.

Savannah: I’m sorry, I messed up calling you. But I do still need help, only if you can?

I suck in a breath and wait. It feels like the times are ticking past heavily but soon it comes to life again.

Jayden: You need me, I’ll be there. I’ll call you when I’m in town.

“Oh, thank God.” I clutch my phone to my chest just about ready to weep with relief. Maybe this won’t help, maybe it’ll still not happen for me, but I finally have a burst of hope. “Oh, Jayden.”

Savannah: You are my hero. Honestly, you have no idea.

I almost type the words ‘I love you’ at the end but I stop myself at the last moment. I can’t tease him with that, it isn’t right, not when we’ve had something of a history surrounding that area.

Peter needs me to be on top, he needs me to be strong, whatever that takes.