I don’t know how long I’ve slept, definitely for a few days, but I don’t have the energy to get up, I can just about make it to the bathroom, and occasionally Pippa will make me eat, but that’s about it. I’m hopeless, there’s nothing left inside of me, I’ve become a hollow mess. The day I lost Peter, I lost everything. My life as I knew it, my marriage which even when it wasn’t at its best, was solid, and now my husband.

There isn’t any turning back from what’s happened. I don’t think we can get it back now. The more I think about it, the harder it is to imagine going back into that home. I can’t be near him ever again.

I need to get up soon, I tell myself as my sticky face molds deeper into the pillow. I think the material is a part of my face now. I’m going to have to get up and start some sort of life again. Whatever I choose to do…

But it’s just so overwhelming, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to get over this deep ache in my body to get myself standing upright. I’m not sure how I’ll ever live again. The fact that Jayden hasn’t gotten in touch with me, as far as I know anyway, speaks volumes. If he can’t find Peter then no one can. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept that he isn’t around anymore, but I’ll have to know that he can’t be found.

I can’t accept that. I don’t think any mother would be able to. My life isn’t worth anything without my boy.

Knock, knock. Knock.

The banging on the front door is so loud that it thunders through my brain. It might not be loud really, someone might be knocking at a perfectly normal volume, but it racks through my brain painfully. I block my hands over my ears, trying to get rid of the sound. It’ll only be someone for Pippa, anyways. No one wants to see me.

“Is she fucking here?” Horror strikes me, it hits me cold in the middle of the chest. That’s a voice I know all too well and it’s one that might be here for me. I should have known this would happen… “I know she is, Pippa. It isn’t like she has anywhere else to go.” I can hear Pippa mumbling but I can’t work out her exact words. “Yeah, well I’m worried, aren’t I? This has freaked me out so much. I’ve missed work and everything.”

He’s acting concerned, but the anger is shining through. I’m pretty sure Pippa will be able to hear it this time. Bryan sounds just about as unhinged as the last time I spoke to him, only this time he isn’t drunk. That’s actually more worrying, it means I’ve climbed so far under his skin he’s turning wild. I’m scared.

“I know she’s here, Pippa. Stop trying to tell me otherwise.” I can hear his footsteps thundering through the house. If there was ever a time to get the fuck up and stop being pathetic, it’s now. Yet, still I can’t do it. Something is locked in my brain, fixing me downwards. I can’t move. “I will find her.”

“No, Bryan, stop.” They are right outside the bedroom door, only meters away from me so I can hear everything. “Please, before you do anything just hear me out.” Somehow, Pippa has the sort of power that actually silences my delightfully irrational husband. I need to get me some of that. “I think Savannah needs help.”

“What do you mean, Pippa? Of course she needs help. Have you heard her crack pot theories?”

“Yes, I have. And that’s why I’m telling you this. She’s spiraling. She’s falling out of control and I’m scared about what will happen if someone doesn’t step in and take action.”

I know that out of everyone in the world, Pippa has my best interests at heart, but hearing her say that makes me want to cry. I can’t though, it’s like there isn’t any liquid left in my body. Not that I’ve cried though. Since I’ve been here, I’ve pretty much just been lying here with my face in the pillow.

“What do you think I should do?” Bryan growls, but he’s got a bit more of that caring in his tone now. “I’ve tried everything but Savannah doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say.”

“I know, I understand which is why I think it might be time to do something more.”

I slide my eyes closed and drift off into my brain to block them out as much as I can. I don’t want to hear what they have to say anymore, even if they are planning my future. Someone else might as well do it, I’m not doing an amazing job myself. I wouldn’t trust Bryan at all, but Pippa can sort me out.

As I drift, I see my boy’s face. I think about my son and how beautiful he was. Such a sweet and innocent boy, the true light of my life. He looks a bit like his father but he doesn’t have any of his traits. Maybe that’s just a nature thing, the way he was born, or perhaps it’s because he hasn’t ever spent much time with his dad.

Either way, I miss him like cray. I lived for him, without him I might as well not be here. If Jayden can’t find him, then maybe I should just give up on living completely. I should just fade away from existence. Stay in this bed until I just don’t exist anymore. My dream becomes more of a weird death fantasy that feels so right. I weirdly yearn for it, I want it because it’s easier than this pain. This pain is eating me alive anyway.

Fuck it, I silently communicate with Pippa. Take me away. Do whatever you need to do.

I stare around the much too white room feeling oddly sick by the brightness of it all. Why did someone choose this color scheme? What is it trying to achieve? It certainly isn’t comforting, I feel even worse about myself.

“So, Mrs. Janssen, do you know why you’re here today?” The words are softly spoken but they hurt. I shrug childishly as a reply. “Okay, well your family and friends have become very concerned about your behavior.”

“They believe my son is dead,” I shoot back. “But he’s not. My husband has done something to him.”

I give the therapist a look, begging him to believe me. No one ever believes me, I don’t even fully know if Jayden did. Everyone thinks that my version of events is bullshit but maybe this therapist will be different…

“Okay, so do you want to tell me what you think happened on that day?”

You think… those words are enough for me to know. Bryan has already gotten across his version of events which leaves me with no hope. That man has power and a clear charisma too. He shows the rest of the world a kind and caring side of himself which means I will again be the slightly unhinged wife.

“I don’t think anything.” I curl my knees up to my chest and fold my arms around them. “I know what happened. The van didn’t run Peter over, two men jumped out of it and they hit me over the head to knock me out while they kidnapped my son. My husband is a part of it too which is why he faked the funeral.”

“Hmm, okay.” He nods slowly but his eyes have glazed over. He’s already tuning me out. “I see, and why do you think your husband would do this? That’s not the sort of thing that someone would do without motivation.”

“No, I know and it’s hard for me to work out but I assume it’s something to do with money. He is one hundred percent involved with something dodgy to do with money. I saw evidence in his office. I should go to the cops.”

I’m only saying that to prove how serious I am really. I have no faith in the police force at all ever since they failed me and Peter. They didn’t even take my fears seriously, just like everyone else. I can only trust me.

“And what did you see in your husband’s office? Please tell me so I can understand better.”

I shrug as my brain fills with fog. I can barely remember what I saw now, so much has happened since. The excessive drinking, the conversation between Pippa and Bryan, more sleep… much more sleep, then Bryan bundling me into a car and dragging me along to this hell hole. Although, I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was glad to come, I wanted to get the hell away from him, but I guess I didn’t think it would be worse.

Sitting here now in front of yet another person who doesn’t believe me is horrible.

“So, are you going to prescribe me some meds then?” I demand. “That’s why I’m here, right? To get drugged up? Help me to forget everything that’s going on? That’s what Bryan wants of me.”

“I don’t know if yelling is helpful right now…”

“I don’t fucking care.” I kick out my legs and wave my hands. “I don’t care about anything anymore, I’m done here. I’m finished with all of this. If you aren’t going to give me anything then I’m out of here. I’m sick of this. Of being asked questions and poked and prodded. I hate it. All of this. And you… you’re just another of Bryan’s clones. I can’t trust you just like everyone else. There isn’t anyone here on my side. No one at all…”

The therapist says nothing so I leap up and scream. I let out all the emotions balled up my chest. They’ve been locked up for too long now, I need to just let them all out before I lose my freaking mind.

“Okay, I think it’s time that you calm down now…”

“I don’t want to calm down.” I ball my hands up in my hair, letting my temper run out. “I don’t want to. I’m sick of trying to be calm, I just want all of this to be over. I want to die…”

I break off panting as far too much truth comes out. I cling onto my knees and gasp messily. I feel raw, vulnerable, exposed. The therapist has now seen more of me than I ever wanted to let free and I feel like shit about it. I want to lock myself up, to hide myself away, to never be seen again.

“I think I am going to prescribe you something actually, to help with the anxiety which you’re very clearly feeling. I’m going to give you something to calm you down and help you rest. Does that sound okay to you?”

I nod, giving in. I can’t keep fighting this anymore. It’s hard because giving in also means to give up on Peter which is the last thing I want to do, but if everyone, including Pippa, thinks that I’ve lost my mind, then maybe it’s time to just go along with that.

Numbness encasing me will feel better than this pain anyway. I can’t keep going through this. It’s too much, too painful. I need an end to it. I suppose this therapist can at least do that for me.

“Yes, whatever. Just give me whatever pills you can. I don’t want any of this now.”

I slump to the ground, hitting it hard. It ricochets through my body, shooting up towards my brain, but I ignore it. Soon it’ll be all gone. It has to. Soon I’ll be another shuffling zombie making my way through life without feeling a damn thing. Right now, that sounds like fucking heaven.