As Jayden wraps his arm around me to guide me out of the café - which thankfully is one that I’ve never been in before and isn’t anywhere near my husband’s office - I’m transported back in time. Even after all these years he smells exactly the same, and I clutch onto that familiarity. I need that to remind me that all the hope isn’t lost.

I loved Jayden more that he’ll ever know. I loved him from afar for a very long time. I didn’t tell him because he was so cool back then. So smooth and street smart. I’d been sheltered my whole life, I hadn’t ever been kissed never mind anything else, so to be around someone who had the world at his feet was too intimidating.

All the girls wanted him as well. He had a flurry of female attention. The fact that he didn’t even seem to notice allowed me to fall much deeper in love with him. Pippa was my roommate back then, that was how we met, and she must have gotten so sick at listening to me talk about him all the damn time.

Then, the end of the first year came around. By that time, I shared such a deep bond with Jayden, I was actually starting to feel a bit more confident about myself. I knew I’d have to tell him that I hadn’t ever been with anyone before, but by that point I knew how nice he was. I could see that it was going to be fine.

“You should hurry up and tell him,” Pippa warned me. “Remember anything can happen over the summer.”

“Oh yeah… you think he might come back with a girlfriend?” I hated that idea.

She gave me a half shrug. “I don’t know, but it’s best to be safe isn’t it? I keep telling you he likes you, it’s obvious from the way he gives you puppy dog eyes all the time. Why don’t you just give him a clue?”

I stared at my youthful reflection in the mirror, not knowing then how quickly I’d lose that carefree appearance, and I shook my hips from side to side. I remember giggling at the idea of confessing all.

“What can I say though? It’ll be so embarrassing. What if he rejects me? What if I make a fool of myself?”

Pippa rolled her eyes. “He won’t, trust me. And you won’t either. Just tell him you like him and ask him to meet up over summer. It’s simple really. Don’t overcomplicate it, that’s all.”

“I like you, let’s meet up over summer. Yeah, I suppose that isn’t too hard. I can do that… right?”

“Exactly, and if you get to spend some time with him out of the college bubble, you can really work out your feeling for him. You kinda need to do that away from everyone else, don’t you think?”

I knew what she meant, college was a bit like a bubble, closed off from the rest of the world. Sometimes we all got so wrapped up in what was happening around us that we forgot about life outside. As we were in our first year it didn’t matter though. That real life wasn’t coming for us any time soon. Only in small snippets for the holidays. We had all the time in the world to work out how to tackle real life.

“You have to tell him tonight at the party or you might not get a chance. Who knows when he’s leaving?”

The night was just as successful as I wanted it to be. We all went out, we drank and ate, we had fun, I even managed to get Jayden alone to say those magic words to him. I didn’t think I’d be able to hack it when the moment came, but surprisingly I was cool as ice. I made it work. We made plans to actually date over the long summer months. I thought he was going to be mine, I was excited for where things would lead.

My first kiss with Jayden, my first kiss ever, actually, was amazing. It unlocked something inside of me that I didn’t even know was there. I felt beautiful, powerful, and a white hot desire bolted into my panties and I knew that I’d like it when it eventually led to more. I wasn’t prepared for it to that night because I wanted to date first, but then I didn’t know back then that night would be the last one. I had no idea what was coming.

My heart raced, my chest bloomed, I felt warm everywhere. It was the most deliciously intoxicating sensation I’d ever experienced. It was the hope too, I so loved the hope. Finally, I had my Jayden.

“You are the girl that I’m going to marry,” Jayden told me as we pulled up for air. “I mean it.”

I parted my lips, about to say something very similar back, but I didn’t get any words out. Our friends joined us then, making it impossible, but I didn’t really need to. I communicated with my eyes. I let him know that I was there for him and that I wanted this to go all the way too. As he slipped his hand into mine, I thought we both understood that. I nearly screamed and jumped for joy as it seemed the world was my oyster.

“You did it?” Pippa mouthed excitedly at me. She was happy for my romantic journey to begin.

“Yes.” I nodded enthusiastically. “Can you believe it?”

“I’m so happy for you! You go girl.”

I couldn’t wait for summer then, I was so thrilled. I clung to Jayden’s hand never wanting to let it go. If only I hadn’t been so reserved, if only I had invited him up to my room, not for anything but sleep even, then maybe everything would have been different. I probably wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in today…

My father was there for me the following morning, almost as if he sensed me finally finding some happiness on my own. He nearly knocked the door down as he hammered so hard, scaring the shit out of me and Pippa. I opened the door, a little hung over with only my pajamas on to see him with a guy who worked for him.

“Erm, hi Daddy, what’s going on here?” I asked while feeling very self-conscious.

“Savannah, I have just come to inform you that you’re done with college.”

“For the summer? I know, I’m just about to pack up my stuff…”

“No, not for the summer. For good. You have no need to be here any longer.”

“What do you mean?” Even for him this felt overly controlling. “I haven’t finished my education.”

“You don’t need an education anymore. You have Bryan.”

“Who the hell is Bryan?”

He pointed to the man behind him as if that was supposed to make it any clearer. “Bryan here has shown a great interest in you and now we have done a deal and you will marry him.”

“What the hell are you on about?” I half hid behind the door as if that would protect me. “This isn’t the eighteen hundreds. I can marry whoever the hell I want. I’m only eighteen anyway, I don’t want to get married yet.”

Dad rolled his eyes at me as if I just didn’t get it. “Sweetheart, you have been born into an affluent family. The money is a privilege, but it’s also problematic because it means certain things are expected of you. You can have whatever you want, but you don’t get to make any choices. That’s the way it’s always been.”

I darted my eyes back helplessly towards Pippa but she simply gave me a helpless shrug as if she didn’t understand. She came from a very normal family, so this was all weird to her.

Again, I found myself wishing that my mother was still alive. She died when I was only three years old and her presence had always been greatly missed. I didn’t know her, but surely, she wouldn’t have allowed something like this to happen. I made the decision there and then that I’d go along with it for the moment, just so I wouldn’t make a fuss here at college, but that I’d get out of it as soon as possible.

I thought that even more when I spotted the smug smile on Bryan’s face.

“Fine, Daddy,” I sighed. “Let me just get my stuff together and I’ll be down.”

“Oh no. Me and Bryan will help you with that so we can get out of here quickly. You’ll take forever.”

“I can do it…”

He held up his hands to stop me. “Not a chance. Come on, Bryan, let’s do this together.”

So, as if suffering that humiliation wasn’t enough with them grabbing all my stuff, including my underwear, and shoving it in bags, often with scathing comments attached, I didn’t get to speak to Pippa properly then to say my goodbyes either, thank goodness we stayed in touch! I don’t think my dad wanted me to talk to anyone in case I came up with a plan to get out of it… which I wanted to. Instead, I got sucked along with it and it all spiraled out of my control. My father and Bryan had all the power and I felt lost. In reality, I was probably just weak, too scared to act out, I felt buried under. I couldn’t breathe, never mind battle it.

I never stopped thinking about Jayden though, but the only time I got to speak to him was in front of my dad so I had to cut him off curtly without saying all the things I wanted to. I thought about him a lot though. Maybe if it had been more than just one kiss I would’ve fought for us, but I felt helpless and I didn’t think it fair to get anyone else involved in my family mess. Even if he was my friend before. I stayed away for his own good.

Bryan did turn out to be quite nice for a while, and we do have Pete who I would give anything to have back in my arms, I adore him even if I don’t do that for his father, but aside from that I regret my decision every single day. I should have fought harder, refused to go, given everything I had to keep the life I loved.

Now, as I lean into Jayden, I’m hit again by how different everything could have been. I could still be the real me and not this version of me who Bryan wants me to be. I’ve become everything that I hate for him and still it isn’t enough. I never will be, I can see that now. I’m always going to be nothing.

I know Jayden is skeptical, he isn’t sure about everything I’m telling him, but he’s still here offering to help me. A decade after I basically rejected him, at least in his eyes. I always knew he was the best person I ever met, but now I really know it.

I don’t think I’ve ever really fallen out of love with this man, but I’ll have to find a way to keep it inside. It’s unfair if I don’t. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt by me again. That’s why I never contacted him again after that first time because there wasn’t anything I could change. I was still going to end up married to Bryan, which I still am.

No, anything I’m feeling, whether it’s emotional turmoil or real, I’ll have to stuff down and not think about ever again.

“Where are we going?” Jayden asks me quietly. “It’s up to you?”

“The park,” I finally answer, knowing we can have privacy without watchful eyes. “Let’s go to the park where we all used to hang out before. I need that right now.”