Chapter 18

Savior

“Shit Mandy, I’m sorry.”

What else could I say after hearing everything, all laid out like a hand of cards for the cops? If I had a heart, it would’ve broken for her. For the shit she’d gone through when I promised to look out for her, for all the losses she suffered and for the pain written all over her face. She was stronger than even she knew, protecting herself the best she knew how even when it got her hurt.

“Not your fault,” she said, trying for flippant, but it came out tired. Frustrated.

“Maybe, maybe not.” I couldn’t have her let me off that easy. “But it is in a way because I should have been there for you when you were a kid. If I had been, you wouldn’t have needed to do what you did to survive.”

She rolled her eyes, ready to make light of the situation. “It was counting fucking cards, dude, not selling my ass.”

I huffed out a laugh. “Things might have been easier if you had. You think the casino owners would’ve cared that you were a teenager?” They wouldn’t have and thinking about what they would have done to her if she’d been caught, made me want to fucking puke. “I really am sorry.”

“For fuck’s sake Savior, I was never your responsibility. Whatever promise you made to Ammo, forget it. He’s not here to kick your ass or haunt you, or whatever has you so worried.”

“According to you, but I made a promise to your brother and I fucked that up.”

She shot me a grin, full of sarcasm. “As long as it’s all about you.”

“Of course.” I spread my arms wide with a confident grin, inviting her to look me over until she did. Thoroughly and with heat in her eyes. “Watch it, Pixie. You’re too hurt to be looking at me like that.”

“Never too hurt to look, babe.” She grinned and her gaze slid up and down my body one final time. “Look, Savior, I know you feel guilty about whatever you feel guilty about but you don’t need to stick around here. I’m fine but they’re worried about a concussion, so I’ll probably be here another night or two.”

“You’re kicking me out?” I spent the past twelve hours sleeping in a hard ass chair at her side and she didn’t even want me here.

“No.” She tried to readjust her position and let loose a string of swear words that would make a Ranger blush. “I’m saying that if you’re here out of obligation or guilt, I’m not interested.”

“I’m here because hearing you’d been hurt took about a decade off my life. I thought for sure I was about to hear that . . .”

I couldn’t even finish the thought, it was too hard. To fucking hard to think about.

“I’m fine, Savior. Just a few scrapes and bruises.”

“And a fractured ulna and radius. Sorry to tell you, Pixie, but you don’t look fine.”

She fluffed her tangled short hair with her good hand and stuck out her lips in that way chicks loved to do when they took selfies. “You mean I’m not giving Teddy a run for her money?”

“You know you’re beautiful, Mandy. But you’ve got one eye almost swollen shut and the best part of you is covered in a cast and bandages. Kind of dims the beauty.” She was stunning and had no damn idea. It was a shame she didn’t have people in her life constantly telling her how amazing she was.

“Yeah well, you try taking who knows how many boot kicks to the body and let’s see how pretty you look.”

“Shit, Mandy. I’m going to kill those fuckers.”

“Get in line. I get the first hit, maybe the first ten.” Her expression sobered. “What can I do?”

I stood and dropped a kiss to her hair. “Get some rest. I’m going to let the guys know what’s going on and see what else we can find out.”

She nodded but she had already checked out, her gaze focused on a fixed point on the wall, glazed over.

“Mandy?”

She blinked and looked up at me. “Yeah?”

“It’s not obligation or responsibility or even guilt. Ammo will always be one of us, which means so will you.”

I found Teddy and Jana in the waiting room with three large bags filled with crap. “Hey ladies, she’s awake, grouchy and in need of female company.”

“Perfect.” Jana tried to stand and I went to help her. “Thanks, this baby is screwing up my center of gravity.”

“Should either of you be here with all these germs?”

Teddy scowled at me and poked me in the center of the chest. “We’ll be fine, Savior. You go do whatever you need to get those dark shadows out of your eyes. Mandy might not know it yet, but she needs you.”

I nodded and walked them to the elevator, Teddy’s words ringing in my head on a loop. Despite what she’d said, I had a feeling I needed Mandy even more.

***

“It was Roadkill MC. Mandy saw the fucking patches before they stomped on her.” Now that I was free of the hospital and watchful eyes, my rage was on full fucking display. What they did to her wasn’t right. That’s not how you treat women, especially innocent women. “Some bitch she used to hang with back in the day owes them a lot of money.”

Cross sat in his spot at the head of the table, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “You’re sure Mandy doesn’t owe this money to them for something?”

His implication was clear and the only reason I didn’t leap over the table and wrap my hands around his fucking neck was because he was my brother. My Prez.

“I’m damn sure.” I sighed, trying to figure out how much to tell without breaking Mandy’s confidence. “She knew this woman as a kid, when Ammo was re-upped before he even got stateside. She had no money and no way to get any.” I didn’t want to tell them, but I needed my club right now. Mandy was . . . fuck if I knew, but she was something to me and I needed everybody’s help to keep her safe. So I told them about the card counting and about that bitch Krissy. All of it.

“Card counting? That little bitty thing with the short blond hair?” Lasso’s wide smile was filled with disbelief. “As a kid?”

“A teenager, fifteen to seventeen I think, before she left for school.” Cross still stared at me and I stared back. “We should have been looking out for her back then. If we’d done what the fuck we were supposed to, she wouldn’t be in this shit today.”

He knew I was right even if he didn’t like being called out like that.

“You’re right,” he finally admitted, looking as deflated as the rest of us old timers who knew Ammo and his loss and the little girl in his care. It was why he’d joined the military and the Reckless Bastards. All for her. “What do you want to do, Savior?”

I smiled. “What I’d like to do is kill those motherfuckers who did this to her, but I’d settle for a beat down.”

“Or we could give those assholes something else to worry about.” Jag’s bright white smile shone like the goddamn sun when he was being devious. “Nothing illegal, just some shit guaranteed to fuck up their week. Make them focus on something other than our Mandy.”

I gave Jag a short nod. He was one of a fucking kind, embracing Mandy like she was already part of the Reckless Bastards, because she was.

“Thanks, man. We need to hit them hard and let them know why without starting a goddamn war.”

Then Stitch butted in. “I heard they got a new shipment of girls and stashed them all at a house in the ‘burbs.” Stitch, always a good time guy, didn’t have his usual smile and I knew he was as pissed as the rest of us even if he didn’t know Ammo.

I leaned forward, eager for more information. “Where’d you hear that?”

He grinned. “One of the blue hairs who comes into the dispensary told me her neighbors just brought a bunch of scrawny girls who all looked Russian to the old Victorian on her block.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and slid it to me. “She gave me the address of the house and the cross street. Said if something was done about it, she’d bake us some of her snickerdoodles with pot in ‘em.” Stitch leaned back and sneered with that grin of his. “Sounded like a good idea, but your thing is more urgent.”

We brainstormed ideas for more than an hour before Cross ended the meeting. “I need to think about this for a minute. Church tomorrow at noon. Be there,” he said and we all dispersed.

I had one more thing I needed to do before I went back to the hospital, back to Mandy. Despite what she’d said, I would be there by her side until she could stand on her own again. Maybe longer if she stopped being so damn stubborn.

Max rested a hand on my shoulder and fell in step beside me. “Hey man, you okay?”

“Fucking peachy, man.”

“Don’t do something stupid right now.”

I glared but he only glared back, stoic bastard that he was.

“Believe me,” he said in that soft and easy voice you use when you’re worried about a friend. “I’d be right beside you, busting up flesh if I thought it was the right move. But right now Mandy is defenseless and she knows you better than any of us. She needs you.”

I brushed off his concern with a quick, “The last thing she needs is me, trust me on that.” For some reason his advice got under my skin and didn’t do anything to ease the guilt eating away my gut. Maybe logically he was right but it didn’t work for me right now. What I needed to do was focus on getting those Roadkill assholes for what they did.

“You sound like a dumbass,” Max said with all the affection of a grumpy older brother. “You are exactly what she needs. Are you really so blind you can’t see it?”

“See what?” I snapped. “That if I’d kept my promise to Ammo all those fucking years ago, she wouldn’t be in this fucked up mess right now? I see that loud and clear. Trust me on that one.”

“I do trust you, Savior. With my life, but you need to trust me on this. I nearly lost Jana because my head was so far up my ass.”

“That was PTSD,” I huffed out angrily. “Not exactly the same thing.”

We’d reached the parking lot. Max laughed and hopped on his bike, parked beside mine. “Wrong, it’s exactly the same fucking thing, man. You think your life, your childhood and your time in the military didn’t leave its mark? If so, you’re dumber than you look.”

“Fuck you, I look good as shit.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Savior.” He started his bike and adjusted his helmet. I didn’t even bother watching him ride off. There was one more brother I had to see.

The winding road curved left and right between big, lush trees that somehow managed to remain a vibrant green in the desert. I parked my bike and found the spot I was looking for. It looked different than I thought it would, but I don’t know what I was expecting since visiting cemeteries wasn’t how I spent my free time. But Ammo had been here for too damn long and my visit was long overdue.

I squatted down in front of his shiny black headstone. “Hey man. Sorry I haven’t been back since your funeral but life, ya know?” I felt like a jackass talking to him like this, but I needed to do it. “I’m sorry, man. So fucking sorry that I didn’t look out for Mandy the way I should have. I could make excuses, blame it on being young and dumb, but it would be nothing but a fucking excuse.”

I knew by then I had a lot more to say to him, a lot more to think about. I slid down onto my ass and got more comfortable, like I was just talking to an old friend. I let him down and by extension, Mandy. And to make me an even bigger asshole, I slept with her. More than once. I wasn’t sure how I could explain all that, but I had to try.

“She’s been through some shit man, a lot of shit. More than someone her age should, but she turned out amazing. Tough and beautiful, strong and brave, and she doesn’t even know how damn special she is. It’s a nice change from your gigantic fucking ego.” I laughed. Actually laughed in a cemetery. Where my best friend would rest forever.

I didn’t know how long I sat there in the grass, my arms resting on my knees, talking to Ammo. Laughing with him and catching up on the Reckless Bastards. “Golden Boy is finally out of prison, scot free and engaged to a model if you can believe it. Max had a beach wedding in San Diego, and it was nicer than it sounds.”

I told him about Gunnar’s mom dying, Cross drinking tea, Golden Boy’s tattoo parlor and even the shit going down with those Roadkill fuckers. “I’m doing my best, man. I won’t let her or you down again.”

I sat in the cemetery just watching all the different flowers as they blew in the wind, all of them left lovingly by friends and family of the dead. I didn’t even know if my mom was alive or dead, hell my deadbeat dad either. They could both be still roaming this earth or rotting inside it and I wouldn’t know either way because they didn’t matter to me. They weren’t my family. Ammo was my family and I’d treated him no better than my own mother, putting my needs first, consequences be damned.

I stood and swiped away grass and dirt I didn’t see but felt the need to clean off anyway. My mind was full, wondering how Mandy was doing. If she was feeling frustrated or suffocated by all the love coming from Jana and Teddy. Wondering if she was really doing okay or if she was putting up a front, something I now knew she could do so well.

It was a damn shame that I had to give her up because she needed someone better than me in her life. She deserved someone better than I could ever hope to be and I knew that. I wasn’t cut out to be an old man to a hot chick. My mind was too fucked up. I could fuck her, and I could protect her. But true love and frou-frou relationships were out of my league.

And the moment that thought went through my mind, I realized exactly how much I wanted her.