Chapter Five
Cassidy
I tried to avoid Erik for the next few days that I worked. I even asked to work on the secure unit if there was enough staff to supervise me. He made me uneasy, nervous, and distracted, and I wasn’t really sure I liked any of those feelings. I had to just stay away from the guy, or at least try to stay away.
Men in general made me uncomfortable now that I was sober. I didn’t know how to interact with them and certainly wasn’t sure if I had the energy to be anything more than friends. Most men wanted sex or some sort of relationship, and I could barely manage myself at the moment; I wasn’t going to get into any sexual relationships with a guy.
My girlfriends and friends at AA were enough for me. Being sober was exhausting as I constantly felt the urge to drink. That instant relief of my anxiety was something that was difficult for anyone to understand; well, anyone who wasn’t an alcoholic.
But inevitably, Mr. March had me assigned to work on Erik’s unit, and I couldn’t convince anyone to trade with me. It wasn’t surprising that when I wanted to trade, everyone else was miraculously busy; yet when they wanted me to work for them, everyone expected me to be fine with it. That was pretty much the story of my life at Paradise Peak, but I dealt with it and didn’t complain. It was nice to be sober, have a good-paying job, and get to hang out with people and talk as my job for most of the day.
I reluctantly sauntered into work at eight in the morning and made my way to the nurses’ desk without looking around at all. I couldn’t risk making eye contact with him. I couldn’t risk an accidental meeting. No, I would interact with him on my terms. With enough time to prepare and focus myself so I wasn’t so damn distracted by him and his charms.
Luckily, as I went about handing out morning breakfast trays, Erik was nowhere to be seen. If I could make it through breakfast, I was in the clear for at least a few hours because I had volunteered to go with the recreation therapist and a few patients on a hike that morning before lunch. I didn’t necessarily enjoy hiking, but I was excited to get away from Erik. He wasn’t going to be in a good mood as he continued to come down, and I was a little afraid of how much harder to handle he was going to be.
Melanie was our recreation therapist, and she was also a personal trainer. Sometimes our clients wanted to use their time in treatment to get back into shape and we provided her services free of charge to them. It seemed to me like patients who put their own health ahead of relaxation were better able to stick with their sobriety, but I didn’t really have scientific evidence of that. I just had more people coming back for a second and third round of treatment who had been relaxing during their first stint at our facility.
“Can you go get Mr. Levy up? He needs to come eat; he’s been sleeping through breakfast the last few days,” the nurse for the day said.
“Let him sleep and be hungry; maybe he’ll learn his lesson,” I snapped in a totally uncharacteristic way for me.
Susan, the nurse on the unit that day, looked at me in total shock. She was one of the kindest people I knew. Susan was a grandmother and babied the clients even more than I did. She knew it wasn’t in my nature to act so crude toward a patient and the look on her face flashed total disappointment in how I had behaved.
“I’m sorry, it’s been a rough morning,” I said in quick reply to her disappointed eyes. “I’ll go right in.”
Reluctantly, I made my way to Erik’s room to get his ass up and out of bed. On his first morning, he had come out and made an effort to eat, so it was disappointing that he had reverted to the idea that sleeping his stay away was a good idea. No one ever made it through treatment without actually getting up and participating.
Mentally, I focused myself. I was going to be stern, firm, and give real guidelines for him. I was going to treat him just like any other patient, and I wasn’t going to get distracted by his smile, or his winking at me, or anything else. Focus was all I was going to do.
“Mr. Levy, it’s time for breakfast,” I said as I stood in his doorway. “Oh, shit, really?”
Erik was standing in front of his mirror in the bathroom totally naked. My eyes instantly focused on his astonishing muscular build and I couldn’t help but let them linger on his divine ass. It had been over two years since I had seen a naked man and none of them had been nearly as beautiful as this one.
His skin was tanned and every curve of muscle was visible. He certainly looked like he was in good shape for a guy who was an addict. Typically, addicts weren’t hanging out at the gym and working on their body; they were too busy drinking and drugging.
“Sorry,” he said as he turned around exposing his very ample-sized member to me.
“Seriously?” I said as he stood there naked.
“I can cover up, sorry.” He reached for the incredibly small towel and held it up over his beefy whistle as he walked toward me. “I don’t have a door, you know. Sorry for the exposure.”
“Um. It’s…well, it’s breakfast time.”
I was flustered. As much as I tried not to be, I was. I couldn’t help it. In front of me was a tanned, toned, perfect specimen of a man. Sure, he was a bit of an arrogant asshole, but I would bet my life that he was damn good with the ladies. Erik had probably never had a woman tell him no in his life.
My experience with men certainly didn’t include a guy like him. While I had been drinking, I dated other, similarly drunk losers, and before that, I had dated dorky guys from high school. The idea of a guy like Erik hadn’t even crossed my mind before his naked body crossed my eyes.
“I know, I was just getting ready to come eat,” he said as his eyes wandered down my body and focused on my hips and center.
He licked his lips and then let his eyes move back up toward my eyes. He had no shame at all. Erik Levy was in his first days of drug treatment, yet he was clearly more focused on embarrassing me than he was on his recovery.
As much as I enjoyed looking at his divine body, he wasn’t the type of guy I would give the time of day. I didn’t have energy for his games or the random flirting he seemed to do in hopes of getting me to flirt back with him. I had been single for two years because I was working on myself and wanted to be a better person; it would take a pretty damn good guy to break my dry streak.
“Well then, get out there and stop all this nonsense. I work here; I’m not going to sleep with you.”
“Who said I wanted to sleep with you?” he responded incredulously.
He pretended like all that flirting and talking he was doing didn’t mean he wanted to sleep with me. It was insane. The first day, he had asked me to lick whipped cream off his erect penis. He was driving me crazy with his games, and I didn’t want to play anymore.
“You did. I’m not going to have it. I’m a professional, and you’re here to get better. So, knock it off.”
He turned toward his bed and let the small towel drop as he started to get dressed. I turned around to leave. There was no reason for me to stand there and watch him as he put his clothes on.
“I wasn’t trying to sleep with you. Maybe you’re projecting your own desires onto me. Perhaps you should concentrate on your work more and less on peeping in on patients when they are naked.”
“Oh, I never,” I started to say.
“Hmm, you didn’t strike me as the prudish type. I thought of you more as—”
I stormed away before I had to be subjected to another word from him. How dare he turn that situation around on me. I hadn’t been peeping in on him. I was doing my job and getting him for breakfast. If he had been out at the breakfast tables like he was supposed to be, then I wouldn’t have had to come to his room. The nerve of that guy amazed me.
As I stormed back to the nurses’ station, Susan saw my anger and just laughed as I sat down and crossed my arms. Who did he think he was? I wasn’t some sort of pervert; he was! And I certainly wasn’t a prude. He didn’t know anything about me, how dare he make such insinuations.
“I see you’ve met Mr. Levy.” Susan laughed. “He has been quiet the handful the last couple of days.”
“He’s a jerk. Who does he think he is, anyways?”
“It doesn’t really matter. He’s paying in cash, and Mr. March wants us to keep him happy. So, that’s exactly what we need to do.”
“He’s not even trying at his treatment. It’s ridiculous.”
“He’s been going through some pretty horrible withdrawals. I think he’s been rather kind from what I’ve seen. Yesterday, I’m pretty sure he vomited up everything he ate, but he was nice to the tech that was on and had to clean it.”
I just rolled my eyes at Susan. The last thing I wanted to hear was that Erik the jerk was going through a hard time. I wasn’t in the mood at all. There was something about him that just got under my skin and I couldn’t deal with it. It was hard as hell to be nice to him when he flipped things around on me like he had.
“I’m not cleaning up that jerk’s vomit. No way.”
“It’s kind of your job, Cassidy.” Susan laughed.
“At least I’m going on the hike for the rest of the morning instead of sitting around here. I’ll get some time away from the guy.”
“Well…” Susan said as she shrugged her shoulders and gave me a funny look.
“What? Oh, don’t tell me that he signed up for the hike?”
“I suggested some fresh air might do him good after yesterday. Yeah, he’s going. But there’s others going, too. You can just stay away from each other. I’m sure it will be fine.”
My stomach was in knots at the idea of having to spend a couple hours hiking with the man who had just called me a pervert. It wasn’t going to be fun, that was for sure. Plus, he was obviously in great physical condition, while I doubted I was going to be able to make it up the mountain alive. I was no longer looking forward to my hike at all.
When Melanie came and gathered everyone up for the trip, she was so peppy and excited that I instantly regretted saying I wanted to come along. My effort to stay away from Erik had just landed me on a two-hour hike that was bound to leave me exhausted and sweaty. Working out wasn’t really my favorite thing to do, and I certainly didn’t want to be huffing and puffing in front of all the patients, especially that jerk Erik.
Erik, Brad the ex-boy band guy, Stan the middle-aged drummer, and Kimber the rich girl all followed Melanie as I brought up the rear of our pack. Only non-threatening patients could go on trips off of the campus, so that meant no one from the secure unit. Typically, they also had to have earned enough points to have a room with a door, but I was sure they were going to let Erik do whatever the hell he wanted. It wasn’t like anyone was going to try and escape; they weren’t being held against their will.
The patients on my unit did have a lot to lose if they left treatment early, though. Sometimes a new gig required the treatment, or a loved one, or even an insurance company that was insuring them for a tour. There were a variety of reasons to motivate people to finish treatment, beyond whatever their internal motivation was.
It became very apparent to me that I was out of shape as everyone in our group inched closer and closer to Melanie and farther and farther away from me. It started with me being about ten steps behind Kimber, then twenty steps, and soon I wasn’t even with the group any longer. Melanie continued to glance back to make sure I was still huffing along, but they continued up the mountain without hesitation.
I didn’t specifically want them to stop and wait for me, but I also hated being left behind. I was younger than most of the people on our walk, yet I couldn’t even make it up the gentle slope of the mountain. Sure, I had cleaned up my act from partying and alcohol, but I certainly didn’t feel like I was healthy yet.
My own willpower was fading as I saw the group sneak up over a small hill. As soon as they couldn’t see me any longer, I stopped and sat down on a large rock. My breathing was labored, I was sweating, and I had decided that continuing up the mountain wasn’t the best option for me. I’d just wait there for them to get back down. Sooner or later, they’d have to turn around and make their way back toward the rehab center.
“You’re just going to give up?” I heard a man’s voice say from behind me.
“I can’t do it.”
“Well, that’s not the way to think your way through something. Get your ass up and let’s go,” Erik said as he reached his hand out for me. “I’m not going to kill myself on this damn mountain alone. You’re coming with me.”
I had to laugh. He didn’t look like he was any better shape than I was. He was pale, almost gray in color, his shirt was drenched in sweat, and his hand shook as he reached for mine. For a man who looked like he was at his peak of health, I could only assume his addiction and withdrawal from substances was starting to wear on him.
“Maybe you should quit with me and rest; you look like shit,” I said and then we both laughed.
“This is supposed to clean my system out. I think,” he said, unsure of himself. “And who tells a patient they look like shit? You’re the worst person.” He laughed as we continued up the hill.
“Who told you that it would clean your system?”
“The nurse.”
“She probably just wanted to get rid of you.” I laughed.
“Probably.”
I shook my head in response. Hiking certainly would help him sweat through his withdrawals, but it wasn’t going to clean anything out. Erik was going to have to suffer through the rest of the day with cramped muscles and probably vomiting from overexerting himself.
“You should have eaten breakfast,” I joked.
“Shit, I’m dying here. You either need to carry me back down this mountain or let’s finish this thing so I can have some damn bacon.”
“I thought you were a vegan?”
“I was a fair-weather vegan. Right now, I want some damn meat. So, let’s get going and show those old folks how this is done.”
The determination in his voice hit home for me. That was exactly how I had felt when I was going through treatment. I had to just keep pushing forward or I would have totally given up. Every day at the treatment center, I felt like I wanted to quit. I actually even said it to my nurses on several occasions. I felt a little guilty that I had told Erik I wanted to quit, that wasn’t at all a good example for a patient at our hospital.
I refocused and started moving faster to pick up our pace. I didn’t think we were going to catch up to the group, but maybe they would have stopped to rest and we could catch up to them that way.
“Let’s do it then,” I said as I grabbed for his hand and pulled him behind me. “Melanie just let you come back here?”
“I think she thought you had died or something.” He laughed.
“Yeah, I guess working out isn’t really my thing.”
“What is your thing?” he ventured to ask.
It was a simple enough question, but I didn’t have an answer for him. I really didn’t know what my thing was. I had spent the last few years worrying about my sobriety and nothing else. I was looking at going back to college to be a nurse, but I wasn’t even that sure about that. For so long my life had been a minute by minute game that I hadn’t bothered to plan for my future very well.
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
“Well, at least you have a family who loves you and money to take care of you. That’s something, right?” I said.
“I don’t have a family who loves me. I don’t have anyone.”
His response hit me hard, but I continued to walk up the mountain. How could someone with money like his not have a family who loved him? I supposed his family could just support him and not really offer emotional support. I felt bad for implying what I had, and we continued up the mountain in silence.
Both of us huffed and puffed our way up to where the rest of the group was resting near the top of the mountain. It felt like a pretty big accomplishment that I hadn’t quit and instead had continued hiking. The old me would have certainly quit; I liked the new me much better. Climbing and hiking were never going to be something I loved to do, but I really did like it on that day.
“Nice of you two to join us,” Melanie said. “Here’s some water. Rest and catch your breath. We are going to the top.”
Erik and I both looked at each other as our eyes enlarged and we looked at the 100-foot hike that would lead us right to the peak. It wasn’t all that far of a hike, but the incline was very steep and it would require climbing up and over rocks. I didn’t feel comfortable at all that I could manage the climb without causing myself or someone else some major injuries.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you guys here,” Erik said as if he had totally taken the words right out of my mouth.
“No,” Melanie said.
“Um, I’ll wait with him. That’s pretty steep and I’m exhausted.”
“No,” she said again.
I looked at her and was about to unload a whole lot of attitude when Brad came over and sat next to me and Erik. He didn’t look nearly as exhausted as the two of us did. For an ex-boy band member, he was in surprisingly good shape. Probably all that touring and dancing he use to do, or running around after his young girlfriends.
“I’ll stay back also,” Brad said.
“Me, too,” Kimber added.
That was when I started to feel bad. I looked at Melanie and I saw the total disappointment in her eyes. By saying I didn’t want to climb to the top, I had basically given everyone else permission to quit. That wasn’t at all the message Melanie, or I, wanted to teach people who were going through treatment.
“Actually, I think I will do it,” I said as I gathered up some superhuman energy. “I’d really like to see this thing through. I mean, I got my butt up this far.”
“It’s a pretty amazing view up there. I’m glad you’re seeing it through to the end.”
Melanie was younger than me, but she looked at me with a proud mother’s eyes as I gingerly followed her and Stan toward the rocky climb that would finish up our hike. I did let Melanie and Stan go first, purely because I knew it was going to take me a while to actually navigate the rocks and pull my butt up to the top.
“Are you going or do I need to grab your ass and push you up there?” Erik asked from behind me.
“Don’t you dare touch my ass,” I replied and shot him a stern look, and then a smile.
I was happy that he had decided to join the final hike to the top, and sure enough, both Brad and Kimber stood up behind him. Peer pressure could do both good and bad things, and in that moment, it had pushed everyone not to give up and to finish our hike to the top of the mountain.
There wasn’t any more talking as we all navigated the rocks and concentrated on getting up to the top. Even though there were others around us supporting us, the work had to be done alone. It wasn’t a dangerous climb, but the rocks were steep and I had to go slowly or I would have slipped.
Suddenly, the metaphor that Melanie had used was totally in focus for me. This hike was truly like what treatment was like. We could have a great support system around us, but in the end, it was our own actions that would bring us to the top of the mountain. And as I pushed myself up that final step and stood at the top of the mountain looking out at the amazing views, I was a total mess. Tears flowed down my face and I used my parka to wipe them away, hoping that no one else had seen my blubbering.
“It’s pretty powerful, isn’t it,” Melanie said as she gave me a hug.
“Yeah, thanks for pushing us.”
“You’re a leader to these patients, Cassidy. Always remember that your actions can guide others.”
Wow, Melanie was profound in her words. I hadn’t known her all that much since she had started working at Paradise Peak, but she knew about my past. We had talked on a couple of occasions and I remembered thinking she could never really understand addicts, since she hadn’t been one herself. But as we stood there, looking out over the city of Aspen and relishing our accomplishment, I realized she probably had a much better understanding than even I had.
I didn’t feel like a leader, though. I could barely maintain my own sobriety, so feeling responsible for helping others get sober seemed a tad bit overwhelming for me. But I would deal with it. I would deal with anything I had to in order to keep my life moving forward and on a good path.
Two years before, I could have easily killed myself with all the stupid life decisions I was making. It felt good to be finally making some decisions that were better for me. I even considered going on another damn hike with Melanie some time – but perhaps when the snow had melted and the weather was better.
Our bodies were sweating from the amount of work we were doing, but the sweat was making us cold because of the weather. It was certainly time to get back down to the treatment facility, and maybe even have some hot chocolate.
“Now can we go back down? My balls are falling off,” Brad said through his shivering teeth.
We all laughed and together started our trek back to the facility. It was much easier to get back down than it had been to get up there, and I enjoyed that part of the trip the best. I could hike down mountains all day long, I thought to myself.