Chapter Thirty-One
Allie
I put the daisy that Declan had picked for me in a thin vase I had found in the back of the cupboard over the refrigerator, and I put the vase in the middle of the kitchen table.
And I did think of him when I looked at it, and how much worse having a kid involved made a breakup. I wasn’t in love with Declan, obviously, but I did love him, and though I supposed it would be possible for he and I to continue to have some sort of relationship, it didn’t really make sense. What were the rules for this sort of thing, anyway? There didn’t seem to be any rules, or at least any that I was aware of. Cole and I hadn’t been together for that long; it’s not like I’d been raising Declan since he was a baby, and he thought of me like a mother or something. It hadn’t even been a full two months, which felt hard to believe.
I just had to remember what my mother had told me: It wasn’t going to feel like this forever.
After work on Wednesday, Amy caught up with me as I was walking to my car.
“Hey,” she said. “You have plans now? I think we need to hang out.” I was about to say that I even though I didn’t have any plans, I didn’t really feel up for going anywhere, but she spoke first, as if she could read my mind. “We don’t have to go out anywhere, if you don’t want to; we can just go to my place and get some takeout or something.”
And what could I say to that? Really, my only plan had been to go home, hope that I wouldn’t run into Cole, while simultaneously also hoping that I did run into Cole, all the while trying to make myself feel okay about the fact that we weren’t together.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll follow you to your house.”
Amy wasted no time in breaking out the Pinot Grigio, and I accepted a glass, though I told myself I wasn’t going to have more than two at the most.
“You need a rebound,” Amy said.
I shook my head. “I think I’m all done with dating.”
“No, it doesn’t have to be a date. A rebound is just... a person to make you feel better, someone to get you out of the breakup funk.”
“Is this person aware of it? Because that sounds kind of awful.”
She smiled. “Well... I might actually have someone in mind.”
“I don’t think so.”
“It might really help...he’s cool. He’s friends with my cousin, his name’s Jay, and he’s not looking for anything serious, but he’s a lot of fun. You don’t even have to sleep with him if you don’t want to. But you can’t let one breakup completely destroy your life, okay? You just can’t do that. You’re not allowed. Here, I’m texting him right now.”
I started to protest, but then stopped. Maybe she was right—maybe this was what I needed to stop feeling like this. And really, at this point, I was willing to try almost anything.
So when he texted Amy back a few minutes later and said that he wasn’t busy that Friday, she set the whole thing up. I was going to meet him at a little café in Gardner, which was good, because it was a big enough town that I probably wouldn’t run into Cole.
“There,” she said. “You’re all set. Now, don’t feel like there’s any pressure or anything, okay? This is just for fun, and Jay is cool. It’ll be great.”
I tried to smile, though something was telling me that going on a date like this when I didn’t feel like it wasn’t such a good idea.
My mother called a few days later.
“You sound like you’re feeling better,” she said. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay. I’m actually going on a date tonight,” I said.
“You are? That’s great!” my mom exclaimed. “I’m so happy to hear that. I think that’s a really good sign.”
“You don’t think that it’s too soon? Because I don’t really want to go on the date; I just agreed to it because Amy seemed to think that it was what I needed.”
“I think it’ll do you some good,” my mother said. “Like I was saying when you were staying over here—you just need to realize that there are indeed many other fish in the sea, and that you are quite the catch. I know that Cole had a lot of good qualities about him, but he’s not the only person out there. Even if this guy isn’t the man of your dreams, it will do you some good to have some fun with someone who isn’t Cole.”
“I’ll try,” I said, but I felt more trepidation than excitement.
That feeling didn’t really change when Friday night rolled around. I had managed to avoid seeing Cole during pick-up this afternoon by busying myself in the back office, pretending that I was going through student files. I heard his voice, but I didn’t lift my head up from the desk. I was afraid that if I saw him, I would lose all nerve right then and there and demand that Amy cancel the date for tonight. I didn’t even want to think of it like a date; I was just getting together with some guy for dinner. Hopefully, we’d have some decent conversation, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out to be completely awkward either.
I wasn’t sure how I would recognize... wait, what his name? I couldn’t remember. I texted Amy as I was getting out of the car, hoping that she had her phone on her and she’d be able to respond immediately, but she didn’t. So I racked my brain, trying to remember. It was something short, wasn’t it?
I walked to the restaurant, The Flying Moose, and there was a guy standing by the entrance. He had shaggy, light brown hair and a beard, and he was smoking a cigarette.
I stopped a few feet away from him; maybe this wasn’t the right guy. But right as I was about to walk past and go into the restaurant, he looked at me and said my name.
I smiled weakly. “Hey,” I said. “Um... I’m sorry, I forget your name.”
“Jay.”
Ah, that was it.
He dropped his cigarette into the ashtray and shook my hand. “I’m sorry, you caught me smoking. I’m not a smoker, I swear.”
“Sure,” I said. “I can totally see that.”
“I was a little nervous.”
“Oh. I hope not on account of me.”
“Well... yes and no. I haven’t been on a real date in a while, if you don’t mind my saying. Actually, I probably shouldn’t be saying that, should I?” He smiled. “It doesn’t make me sound very good.”
We both stood there, a second of awkward silence extending to a couple seconds. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t do it.
“It’s not a date,” I finally blurted out.
He looked at me blankly. “It’s not?”
“Well, I mean, yes, it is a date, but... I’m kind of being forced to go. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded,” I added quickly. “I don’t know what details Amy told you...”
“She didn’t really tell me anything. I don’t know Amy that well, actually, I’m friends with her cousin. Is... is something going on that I should know about?”
“I’m just telling you this because I want to be up-front.” If I didn’t say anything now, I had a feeling that Jay would think we had hit it off really well, and he’d want to go on a second date, and then I’d have to break it to him that I wasn’t interested in anyone at all, really, and that I was on this date because he was supposed to be a rebound. I didn’t want that to happen. “This guy recently broke up with me...” I started, and then I trailed off, not quite sure how to finish the sentence.
“Ah,” he said. “I’m the rebound.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think that it would be a good idea, but Amy was pretty persistent about it. She made it sound like it wouldn’t bother you or anything. And I’m not saying you’d fall in love with me, but... it just seems kind of like a shitty thing to do to someone.”
Jay nodded. “Well, I sure do appreciate your honesty. And yeah, I’m not really looking to be anyone’s rebound, no offense, but... if you wanted, we could at least go in and get a bite to eat. I’m starving. This place has great buffalo wings, if you’ve never been here before.”
“I haven’t. And... sure, we can get something to eat. If you’re okay with that.”
He smiled. “Honestly? It takes some of the pressure off of me. Guess I didn’t need to smoke that cigarette, after all.”
We went inside to the restaurant, and we were seated at a booth by the window. Jay was easy to talk to, in part, I think, because there were no expectations anymore. This wasn’t a date, this wasn’t going to be a rebound, and now that we’d gotten that out of the way, we were both able to relax. For the first time since Cole had broken up with me, I felt like I was actually enjoying myself a little bit, and it felt good to know that I hadn’t completely forgotten how to have a good time.
The only slightly awkward moment came when the waitress left our check.
“I know this isn’t a date,” Jay said, “but at least let me get the bill.”
“No, no, I’ve got cash on me; we can split it,” I said.
We squabbled over it for a few more seconds until he finally relented. “You know,” he said, as he slid his wallet back into the rear pocket of his pants, “whoever this guy was that broke up with you—he’s a bona fide fool.”
I felt myself blush a little. “That’s nice of you to say,” I said.
“Well, I mean it.”
There was a pause, and that would’ve been the time to kiss. It could have happened; even though we had laid the ground rules when we’d first arrived at the restaurant, I could’ve leaned in a little, and he would’ve kissed me; I knew it. I liked him, too—just not in that way. Would it make me feel better to tell him I had changed my mind, that I wanted to sleep with him, to take me back to his place that very instant? Maybe. Or maybe not, I didn’t know, but tonight would not be the night to find out.
After I said goodnight to Jay, I realized that I actually did feel better, despite the fact that we weren’t going to have sex. It had just been nice to be out somewhere, talking with someone, and it had taken my mind off of Cole.
When I pulled into the driveway, though, I saw that his garage door was open, the light was on. He was probably in there working on his bike or something, and I tried to ignore the urge I had to run over there and see him.
The next morning, I slept late. It was Saturday, I didn’t have any plan for the day, and as I dozed, I was vaguely aware that I could faintly hear Cole and Declan outside. Their voices sort of infiltrated my dreams, though when I finally got up and looked out the window, his car was gone.
Of course I was wondering where he went, though I also felt a little bit of relief that he wasn’t there and maybe would be gone the whole day. It was such a strange paradox of feelings, wanting to see him yet not wanting to have to go through the awkwardness of an actual encounter. I hated that it was this way between us now, that something could go from being so wonderful to almost unbearable in the blink of an eye.
I was making coffee when I heard a knock at the door. I glanced outside again as I went to answer it; Cole’s driveway was still empty. So at least I knew it wasn’t him.
It was Ben.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Way to make a guy feel welcome,” he said, though he had a smile on his face. “Are you busy? I wanted to talk for a minute, if you weren’t.”
“Come on in.” I stepped aside as he came in. His bike was leaning against the oak tree in the front yard. “You rode here?”
“Yeah.”
“Cole’s not home.”
“I can see that, but I’m not actually here to see him.”
I sighed. “Would you like some coffee?”
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.” He went over and leaned against the counter. “Listen, Allie,” he said. “I normally wouldn’t get involved like this, because really, it’s not my business. I feel kind of funny coming here to talk to you about this anyway, but... I’ll just put it to you like this: Cole’s not doing so great. He’s going through the motions and everything, and if you asked him, he’d probably say that he was fine, but I’ve known the dude practically my whole life, and I can tell when there’s something off. And there’s definitely something off.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Okay,” I said. “I’m not sure what it is you expect me to do with this information.”
“Uh, duh, Allie...you need to talk with him and reconcile. I’ve never seen the man happier than when he was with you.”
I felt simultaneously incredibly sad and very happy to hear him say that. Then I remembered that we weren’t together, and the sadness eclipsed any happiness.
“You probably should just stay out of it,” I said. “There’s not going to be any reconciliation; he made himself pretty clear. I’m not going to go and beg him to get back together with him. I’ve still got a little dignity left.”
“I don’t think you’d have to grovel or anything. I think if you just went over there and told him that you miss him and still want to be with him, then that’s all it would take.”
“But what if I don’t want to be with him?”
Ben regarded me, one eyebrow slightly raised. “I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t really care if you don’t believe me or not; the fact of the matter is Cole broke up with me, and I’ve been actively trying to get over it ever since. So you coming here out of the blue and telling me that I need to go talk to him and ask him to get back together is complete bullshit. In fact, if that’s the only reason why you’re here, then I think you should probably leave.” My voice had risen with each word, and by the time I finished talking, I was practically yelling at him, which I felt bad about. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”
He waved me off. “It’s okay; I’m used to girls yelling at me.”
“You just have to understand that this whole thing has been really painful, and it’s not helping having you come by and telling me how happy Cole used to be when we were together. If that’s the case, why would he break up with me in the first place? Why wouldn’t he come over and ask me to get back together?”
“Because he can be stubborn and impulsive,” Ben said. “Sometimes at the same time. No one’s perfect. Cole’s pretty close, but everyone’s got to have their faults, right?”
“Of course,” I said. “I certainly have plenty of my own. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re coming over here to tell me this. What’s the point? He broke up with me, and I’m trying to get over it, which is a lot easier said than done.”
“I know it is,” Ben said. “It sucks, getting broken up with. Believe it or not, I have been broken up with a few times myself, and it’s not something that I particularly look forward to. Getting rejected by you was bad enough, and we weren’t even going out.” He smiled, though I was wondering how much of what he just said was actually true.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But you guys shouldn’t have made a stupid bet like that.”
“Ah, yes, the bet. Shit, that seems like years ago; hard to believe it was just the beginning of summer.”
“It does seem like a long time ago,” I said.
“And it was stupid of us. But that’s what guys do, right? Guys do stupid shit sometimes, and hopefully, girls like them for it. Or at least get a little amusement from it.”
“I’m somehow not finding anything about this current situation amusing.”
“Maybe it was stupid to make a bet like that. I kind of like to think, though, that if we hadn’t, maybe you and Cole wouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.”
“That might’ve been better,” I said. “Spared me all of this heartache.” Ben could think whatever he wanted, but I was pretty sure that Cole and I would have hooked up regardless of whether or not there had been any bet. Maybe it would have taken longer, but it would’ve happened. “He was my doctor, you know,” I said. Ben looked at me in surprise. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You probably know already.”
“No, I didn’t. He wouldn’t tell me something like that.”
“Obviously, I’m not going to continue to have him as my doctor. And I’m not planning to go talk with him. Yes, I’d like some closure on it, but really, I got closure. He ended the relationship. I wasn’t the one who initiated the breakup in the first place. So I’m sorry, but I think you wasted your time riding over here. I mean, can you give me one good reason why I should go talk to him about this?”
“He deserves it,” Ben said quietly. “He deserves someone like you. I don’t even know you that well, but I can tell that you’re a good person, and you’re hot as hell—if you don’t mind me saying—and the two of you make a great pair. And if anyone deserves to be with someone like you, it’s Cole.”
“Is that so,” I said. “And would you care to let me know why he’s so deserving of this? I mean, I get that he’s successful and good-looking, but so what? Plenty of people are, and that doesn’t mean that they’re somehow more deserving than someone else to be in a relationship.”
“It’s not that,” Ben said.
“Then what is it?”
He paused. “I don’t... I don’t know if I should tell you.”
I looked at him closely. “Well now you have to tell me. You can’t just say that and now not tell me.”
The two of us stood there for several moments of silence. I could see him wrestling with whatever it was that he wanted to say but felt like he couldn’t. What the hell was going on?
“Let’s just say that Cole has done some things in his life that most people never would do.”
“Right,” I said. “I’m not going to even begin to tell you how ambiguous that is. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
Ben bit his lip. “Okay,” he said. “But what I’m about to tell you needs to stay between us, okay? I have never told anyone this before, never spoken of it, and the only reason I’m doing so now is because I trust that you’re going to do the right thing with what I’m about to tell you. And that is not say anything.”
“I am so confused about everything at this point, I highly doubt there’s anything you could tell me that would make things worse.”
He paused again, and I tried to conjure up whatever it was he was going to tell me. Cole had a terminal illness? He was really a woman? (except I knew he wasn’t.) Those were the only two things I could come up with: that Cole was either dying of cancer or he’d had a sex change operation. I held my hands up.
“Just tell me,” I said.
“Declan’s not his son,” Ben said.
“What? What are you talking about? Of course he is.”
But Ben was shaking his head. “No, he’s not. Well, not biologically. Declan is technically Cole’s... nephew. Declan’s mother is Cole’s sister, Marissa.”
“The one who died?”
“Yes. And Declan’s father was her boyfriend, this guy Sam, who Cole’s parents hated. With good reason, seeing as he was the one who got her into the drugs and shit.”
I frowned, trying to process everything that he was telling me. Declan wasn’t Cole’s son?
“I’m not going to get into all the details,” Ben said. “In part because I don’t know them all. But that’s basically why Cole moved out here, so he wouldn’t run into anyone that we’d grown up with, who might later say something to Declan. So when I say that he deserves this, when I say that he should be with someone who makes him as happy as you do, I really mean it. Because I can’t say that I’d be able to step up and raise someone else’s kid the way he has, even if that kid was related to me. I’d like to think I could, but I just don’t know.”
“I had no idea,” I said softly, shaking my head.
“You wouldn’t,” Ben said. “And that’s what is so awesome about this whole thing. No one would ever guess because Cole has always treated Declan like he’s his own son.”
It was, in a way, a stunning revelation, yet at the same time, there was a part of me that wasn’t surprised at all. That was just the sort of person Cole was. He would step up and do the right thing, even in a situation where some other people might not.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said to Ben.
He nodded. “Yeah, no problem,” he replied. “I thought you should know.”
After Ben left, I went and sat on the couch. I didn’t know what to do with the information he just told me, and I found myself thinking about various times I’d seen Cole interact with Declan, how natural it had been between the two of them, how no one would ever guess the truth. I certainly wouldn’t have. And in a way, I was still having a hard time believing it. Yet it made sense, too. Cole never talked about Declan’s mother, and I had always assumed it was because it had been a bad breakup, a contentious relationship.
So all these years he had been raising someone else’s son, a secret he had kept, along with the other secret that his sister’s death had not been an accident, but a suicide. I couldn’t imagine carrying that around with me. Granted, I didn’t have any siblings, so maybe I would feel differently if I did, but it still seemed like so much for one person.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed on the couch, but it was a while. When I finally got up, I had decided that I would talk to Cole. Not today, but soon. And it wouldn’t be to ask him to get back together, but just to let him know that I knew, and that I loved him anyway, and that even if he didn’t want to be with me, that wouldn’t change the way I felt about him. If he told me to fuck off, if he told me he never wanted to see me after that, then I’d accept it, and I’d do the best I could to get over it and move on. But I had felt like we didn’t really have closure, and I at least needed to that if I was supposed to move past this whole thing.