Chapter Twenty-Seven
Allie
We were all shaken up over what happened with Declan, though now that he was back, I was hoping we’d be able to put it behind us.
When we went back to my mother’s apartment, though, it was clear that the day had been altered, that it was no longer a fun, carefree trip, that something had shifted. We ended up cutting the trip short and not staying for dinner, and instead driving back early.
Cole seemed distant, or if not distant, absorbed in his own thoughts. I could tell how bothered he was by the whole thing, and I knew that he blamed himself, even though really, we were both to blame. It had happened so fast, as those things do.
I glanced into the back seat and saw that Declan was fast asleep. I reached over and took Cole’s hand. He didn’t pull his hand back, but his fingers were limp, and he didn’t give me a squeeze back. He kept his eyes glued on the road.
“I am really glad that everything turned out okay,” I said. “I know you’re probably blaming yourself for this, but—”
“No,” he interrupted. “Don’t try to tell me this wasn’t my fault, because that’s a complete lie. This was entirely my fault. I should have been watching him, and I wasn’t.”
“Then it was partially my fault, too,” I said. “We both should have kept an eye on him.”
“You’re not his parent.”
It stung to hear him say it like that. No, I wasn’t his parent, but I felt as though I was responsible for him, too, when we went out.
“I know I’m not,” I said. “And I wasn’t implying that I was. But we had both been keeping an eye on him all day, and maybe you thought that I was going to watch him and that’s why—”
“We were kissing, Allie. I didn’t think you were going to be keeping an eye on him while we were kissing. I didn’t even think about it, to be honest. It didn’t even cross my mind. If it had, I wouldn’t have done it.” He shook his head. “Or maybe I would have, I don’t know. You never think these sorts of things are going to happen to you until they do. And yes, I’m very relieved that everything turned out fine and we’re not going to be some cautionary tale on the 6 o’clock news, but it should not have happened in the first place, and I really can’t forgive myself for being so stupid.”
“We know better now,” I said. “We’ll be more aware of it in the future. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”
Cole shook his head. “No, it won’t.”
“The important thing is that everything turned out okay.”
I looked at Cole to see his reaction, but his expression didn’t change; he kept his eyes on the road, and I finally pulled my hand away. We were quiet for the rest of the drive back. When we got into our neighborhood, he stopped in front of my house. “I’m just going to let you off here,” he said. “That way I can try to get Declan into the house without waking him up.”
“Okay,” I said, even though it wasn’t even 7 o’clock yet.
“He’s had a really busy day,” Cole said.
I unbuckled my seat belt. “He has. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept until tomorrow morning. Well... okay. Goodnight, Cole. I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did, but I’m glad they were all right in the end.”
I leaned forward a little, thinking that he would at least give me a kiss goodnight. He stayed where he was, though, for several seconds, until he finally leaned forward to give me a quick peck on the lips.
“Goodnight,” he said.
I got out of the car feeling very disconcerted, though I tried telling myself that I was just imagining it, that there was nothing wrong. That Cole was just shaken up about earlier and he’d be fine later on.
We hadn’t eaten dinner there, so I rummaged through the fridge and made a salad with some leftover cold chicken from the night before. I ate that and then tried to watch TV for a little bit, though there was nothing that good on. It was getting later, though, and I decided I would take a shower and go to bed. I was on my way to the bathroom when there was a knock at the door.
I felt a smile go across my face when I saw that it was Cole. I knew that I’d been silly to be worried earlier, that all he needed was a little time to process what had happened and realize that everything had turned out fine.
But when I opened the door, he was not smiling.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. Then he shook his head. “No, it’s not. And listen, I can’t stay long since Declan’s in bed. I probably shouldn’t even be over here right now, considering all that’s happened.”
“Do you want me to come over there?”
“No,” he said. “I don’t think so. I... I’ve been giving everything a lot of thought. And I just... I can’t do this anymore, Allie, I’m sorry.”
My heart stopped beating for a second, and it felt as though my whole body froze for a moment, like blood wasn’t even circulating. “Wh... what?” I said. “What do you mean?”
“I have been so caught up with you. I’ve been distracted because I’ve been thinking about you, I haven’t been able to focus—I’m not saying this is your fault, because it’s not. But something seriously bad could have happened to Declan, and if it had, I never would be able to forgive myself. And it was all because I wasn’t paying close enough attention to him because I was focused on you.”
“Cole, it was an accident. You weren’t purposefully being negligent. I think you’re blowing this way out proportion.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Do you remember that day when we rode bikes to the playground? And we were sitting there on the bench and you were asking me if something was wrong?”
“Yes,” I said.
“And do you remember how you told me that I never had to be afraid to tell you the truth, that you wouldn’t lose your shit?”
I nodded slowly, knowing what was coming, but not willing to let myself believe he was actually going to say it. No, I thought, no no no no. Like if I said it enough times it wouldn’t actually happen.
“We can’t see each other anymore,” Cole said softly, and he blinked a few times, and I realized he was trying to blink back tears. “But I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You’re a wonderful person. And I mean that. I just keep thinking about what could have happened if the wrong people had found Declan, how I would never be able to forgive myself. I mean, I already can’t forgive myself for this happening in the first place—”
“But he’s okay,” I said. “Nothing bad happened.”
“But it could have. And if it did, I would’ve had to live with myself for the rest of my life, knowing that because I was distracted, he was able to wander off.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that it happened, that sometimes parents weren’t always able to keep track of their kids 100 percent of the time, but I knew he was right—I knew that if I hadn’t been there, the chances of that happening with Declan would probably have been zero.
Cole wiped at his eyes. It felt, in a way, as though something inside of me was breaking, and my own throat felt tight, constricted, but it was like seeing him cry made my own tears dry up. Oh, there’d be plenty of crying later, once I was alone—I knew that—but I wasn’t going to cry now in front of him. Yes, I had told him on more than one occasion that he could be completely open and honest with me, but there was no way I was going to let him see how devastated I felt over this.
He was looking at me. “Say something,” he said.
“I’m not sure what I can say to that,” I replied slowly. Thankfully, my voice didn’t quiver. “You’ve clearly made up your mind about it, and I’m not going to try to change it. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. I appreciate you being honest with me.”
He held my gaze for several moments, like he was waiting for me to break down, confess that I was in love with him—hadn’t we just said that, only a few short days ago?—and that he couldn’t do this to me. And yes, there was a part of me that wanted to do that, but I wasn’t going to.
I felt numb after he left, but that numbness only lasted for a few minutes until the tears started. I couldn’t hold them back any longer, and I sat on the couch and clutched a pillow and cried in a way I hadn’t cried in a long, long time. It didn’t feel particularly good or cathartic. I didn’t stop crying and feel as though a dark cloud had been lifted. I stopped crying when my body seemed to have run out of tears, and then I just felt... hollow. Almost as though a limb had been cut off, like I was missing a very important part of myself. Yet I was also overwhelmed by how powerless I felt, how there seemed nothing I could do to remedy the situation, nothing I could do to change his mind.
Was I supposed to move? There was no way I’d be able to continue living next to him, knowing that he was right there, hearing him out in the backyard with Declan. Living next door to each other had once seemed like such a blessing, but now it felt like a curse; it felt like a trap that I had unwittingly fallen into and now had no way to get out of.
I didn’t know what to do.
I called my mother.
“Oh, Allie,” she said, when I’d finally managed to get the whole story out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can hear in your voice how hurt you are by this whole thing. Should I come up there?”
“No, you don’t have to do that,” I said. I didn’t particularly want to be alone right then, but I also didn’t want her staying over here and possibly going over to Cole’s to give him a piece of her mind or something. “But maybe... do you think I could come down there?”
“Of course,” she said, though she sounded a little surprised. We both were; I hadn’t planned on asking that, but suddenly, getting away from here seemed more important than never seeing Bill again. Bill seemed like a tiny, microscopic problem to me now. “Come down whenever you want; stay as long as you need to. Bill is down in New York for the next five days, so I’ve got the whole place to myself. I was just starting to feel a little lonely, in fact.”
“I’ll drive down tomorrow morning,” I said. “I’ll text you when I’m on the road.”
I thought a long drive would do me some good, give me something to concentrate on, especially if I blasted some music really loud. But I just couldn’t shake that feeling of there being nothing I could do, except move on, which seemed impossible. I knew that I wasn’t the first person to go through a breakup, and maybe if I’d actually dated some people before this, I’d have some practice with it under my belt, but it felt like there was no way I was ever going to feel okay again. As I drove, the highway in front of me would sometimes blur, but I blinked furiously, keeping the tears from falling. I didn’t want to cry about this anymore; it seemed pathetic, but every time I thought about not being able to see Cole again, this immense sadness seemed to overwhelm me.
I got into my car. The window was partially down, and I could hear Declan calling my name from his side yard. I pretended I didn’t hear him, though, as I backed down the driveway, and I still pretended I wasn’t able to hear him as he approached, waving, a smile on his face. I kept my gaze fixed firmly on the road in front of me, though I was aware of him in my peripheral vision. He stayed on the lawn and didn’t come out onto the road to the car, but he was still yelling my name. I turned my head ever so slightly and saw Cole walking after him. Just the sight of him made my heart hurt.
Declan called my name once more, but then I drove off, and the sound of his voice receded, and when I looked in my rearview mirror before I turned at the end of the road, I saw him and Cole standing there, watching me go. What had he told Declan? I wondered. I felt bad ignoring him like that, just driving off, but I hoped it would seem like I just hadn’t heard him.
I hoped that he wouldn’t be too hurt over this whole thing. He might for a little while, but he’d be fine, I knew it. Kids were resilient like that. I wasn’t so sure about myself, though.