Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cole
“Where is Miss Allie going?”
We stood there at the end of the driveway, watching as Allie’s car turned the corner, disappeared. She could’ve been going anywhere—to the grocery store, to drop off a letter at the post office, off to go meet up with a friend—but for some reason, I had the feeling that we weren’t going to see her for a while.
“I’m not sure, bud,” I said.
“Can we go see her when she gets back? Didn’t she hear me calling her?”
“I’m sure she would’ve stopped if she had heard you,” I said, though I was pretty sure she had heard him. Not that I could fault her for not stopping, for not wanting to talk to him. Me, really. And that’s what sucked about this whole thing, I was realizing, this whole trying to date when you already had a kid. You always ran the chance that the person you were dating and your kid wouldn’t get along, but then the opposite was true, too: they might get along so well, and if and when things didn’t work out, it would be just as hard on the kid as it was on the adults that the relationship was coming to an end.
No one was home at Allie’s house the next day, Sunday, and I could tell that Declan was distracted, looking over there every once in a while. I was glad when my parents got there; at least that would give him something to take his mind off of it for a while.
I hadn’t planned on bringing up the whole fiasco with my parents, but my mother was usually pretty good about being able to tell when something was bothering me, so when Declan and my dad were settled on the deck playing a round of Go Fish, my mother cornered me in the kitchen.
“Something’s wrong,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
I hung the dish towel I’d just been drying my hands with on the oven door handle. “I broke things off with Allie.”
My mother’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Why? I thought things were going really well with her. You two made such a great couple.”
“I’m just not...it’s not the right time for me to be in a relationship.”
“What are you talking about, Cole? You’re 31, not 21.”
“Yes, Mom, I’m well aware of that fact, thank you.”
“I’m not saying it to try to insult you. I’m saying it because most guys your age are at least involved in a serious relationship.”
“Ben’s not. He’s my age.”
“Yes, well, Ben is a different story altogether. You’ve got a successful practice. Declan is great. And you and Allie seemed like a perfect match. Did something happen?”
“I lost Declan,” I said. “When we went down to Boston to see Allie’s mother, we went to the Children’s Museum, and on the way out, I lost him. Because I was kissing Allie.” Even now, I felt a shame inside of me, just admitting it.
My mother blinked. “But you obviously found him.”
“I shouldn’t have lost him like that in the first place. He saw a group of kids with a bunch of balloons, and he just took off after them, crossed a busy intersection with them, and went to the frozen yogurt shop and ordered himself a dish of soft serve. All while I was running around looking for him, completely losing my shit.”
“I didn’t realize that had happened,” she said. “I’m sorry, Cole. That must’ve been very scary for you.”
“It was. Luckily, he was safe. But the whole time, I kept thinking the worst, and that if something had happened to him, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”
“But nothing happened to him,” she said, sounding confused. “He’s safe and sound. Crisis averted.”
“You’re right,” I said. “And that’s extremely fortunate. I don’t want something like that to happen again.”
Declan came running in from out back just then, right as my mother was about to say something. I was glad for the interruption, though.
“Guess what!” Declan said. “I beat Grandpa! And I know he wasn’t just letting me win. He was actually trying really hard! Does anyone else want to try and beat me?”
“I will, bud,” I said, following him back out onto the deck, glad for the excuse to not continue the conversation with my mother.
I expected Allie to be at the Learning Center on Monday when I dropped Declan off, and I could tell that he was eager to see her, too. But there was another woman there, an older woman who had been in there before when a substitute was needed. I tried to act nonchalant when I asked one of the teachers, Amy, about where Allie was. I knew Allie and Amy hung out sometimes, but I didn’t know if Allie had told her anything.
“She’s taking some time off,” Amy said, and from the cool note in her voice, I was willing to bet that Allie had at least mentioned something to her about what had happened. I found myself wanting to offer my side of the story, to explain it to her, but I knew better. I knew how it would make me sound.
I met up with Ben at Perkins State Park, ready for a couple good hours of hard riding. Even that, though, an activity I had always enjoyed, even today that enjoyment seemed elusive. I gave both my body and my bike a good beating, but my brain kept spinning back to Allie, kept feeling like I had done something wrong.
“You’re losing your edge,” Ben said when we were back at the parking lot, guzzling the remainder of our water bottles. “I could’ve easily overtaken you on the way back.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Tradition? Courtesy?”
I tossed the empty water bottle onto the front seat of the car. I knew he was telling the truth; the whole way back I could feel him right behind me, and if he had gone to pass, I just wouldn’t have had it in me to hold him off. “So why didn’t you then? You could be gloating right now. Maybe I am losing my edge.”
“I don’t think so. But there is something going on.”
“Well, you’re right. You might as well know,” I said. “I broke things off with Allie.”
He gave me a surprised look. “You did?” he said. “Why the hell would you do something like that? I thought things were going great and shit.”
“The whole thing with Declan,” I said. “When we went to the city.” I shook my head. “I have never felt more afraid in my entire life. And it was my fault because I was too distracted with Allie.”
He kept looking at me, but not saying anything, as though he were waiting for me to continue. “So that’s what’s bothering me.”
“And...?”
“What do you mean?”
“What else happened? Don’t tell me you broke up with her just because Declan happened to wander off. Kids are always doing shit like that. That’s like saying you broke up with her because he picked his nose and tried to eat it.”
“Declan might pick his nose, but he doesn’t eat it.”
“Okay, fine, that was a bad example. But you get my point. What was the other reason you broke up with her for?”
“There wasn’t.”
“Oh, man.”
“What?” I said. “She’s single now. You can go date her.”
He regarded me as if he thought that last comment was in very poor taste, which it was. I held my hands up. “Never mind,” I said. “Just forget I mentioned anything.”
“No, I’m not trying to give you a hard time about it.”
“You’re not? Because that’s exactly what it seems like you’re doing. I don’t even need to have an acceptable answer for you, or my mother, or anyone, about why I broke up with her. I did it for my own reasons, and seeing as I was the one going out with her, that’s what matters.”
“You’re right,” Ben said. “Can’t argue that. And we can drop it after this. But if you’re telling me that you broke up with her just because of that, and you still have all the same feelings you did prior to this happening, well... that just seems pretty short-sighted to me.”
“Do I have a flashing sign over my head that says I am looking for relationship advice? I must, because that’s all anyone seems interested in talking to me about.”
He started to say something but I brushed past him, got my bike, threw it on the rack, got in the car, and drove off.