Chapter 10
Lucas
“Hey boss,” Sarah smiles at me from behind the bar. “Want a drink?”
Smiling in return, I pull out a barstool as I reply, “I’ll have a gin and tonic.”
I’d felt as if I was going to climb the walls this evening. When I’d opened the door to my house this evening after work and stepped inside, a loneliness had swept through me so fierce, so intense - I knew I had to get out of there. I’d gone for a jog, my eyes automatically going to the cottage as I jogged past it and it only made me lonelier. Returning to the house, I’d made myself dinner, feeling pathetic and so lost as I sat at the dining room table by myself on a Friday night. As the blackness of the night settled in around me, I’d only felt more alone.
More of a loser.
Unable to eat and wanting to get out of there, I’d decided to drop by the restaurant close to closing time. It would give me the opportunity to get out of the house without having to entertain the restaurant guests.
As Sarah places the gin and tonic in front of me, I say, “Thanks,’ and then take a large sip. As it slides down my throat, burning its path, I wish something would burn Emma from my mind as easily.
“What brings you back here tonight?” I hear Sarah ask as she goes about polishing a wine glass.
“I felt like a loser. Home again, alone, on a Friday night.” I don’t attempt to keep the contempt from my tone.
“I sincerely doubt that if you really wanted company, you’d have a hard time finding it,” she says, as she bends to place the wine glass on the shelf before taking the last glass left to be polished.
“It’s not what I’m looking for,” I reply truthfully. My days of taking any woman on for the night is over.
Emma had spoiled me.
I now wanted the real deal.
No…
What I wanted was Emma.
Sarah sighs heavily before laying the glass she just polished on top of the bar. Then reaching underneath to the bar fridge, she pours herself a glass of white wine before replying, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I thought Derrick was it for me. Getting back into the dating world holds no appeal to me whatsoever.”
I lift my drink, agreeing silently as I take another sip, watching as Sarah clocks out.
She comes to sit next to me, quickly removing her shoes and sighing in genuine relief that her evening shift is over.
“It was a great evening, and everyone enjoyed their food but, oh my, feet are tired. That table of twenty-five kept me hopping all night. They were drinkers.”
I suddenly have a great idea as I suggest, “Why don’t you come back to my place?”
Her shocked eyes swing to my face as she mistakes my invitation for something else.
Chuckling, I quickly interject, “It’s a platonic invitation, Sarah. I don’t want to be alone in that house. You don’t want to be alone either and you can relax and put your feet up on my couch. I’ll even make you something to eat.”
Sarah suddenly lets out a bark of laughter, instantly relaxing as she replies, “I have to admit, it does sound enticing.”
“We’ll finish our drinks and then head over,” I suggest easily.
She smiles, and lifting her glass to mine, she clinks it gently off my glass as she replies, “Ok, boss. You have me convinced. I’ll let you feed me and ply me with wine, so you don’t have to be alone.”
Grinning, I take another swig of my drink before heading into the kitchen to fill take out containers with enough food to feed at least four people.
Heading back out to the bar, I quickly finish my drink, say goodbye to the other employees that have joined Sarah at the bar. Turning to head out the door, I tell Sarah that I’ll see her at my house soon. I ignore the raised eyebrows of the staff. They can think whatever they want. I’m just glad to not to be going home to an empty house for the rest of the night.
Sarah arrives twenty minutes after me and I immediately gesture to make herself comfortable after placing a glass of white wine in her hand.
Heading back to the stove, I quickly put together a meal for both of us before bringing it, along with a bottle of red and glasses, out to where she is lounging contentedly on my couch. Placing her plate before her on the coffee table, I sit opposite her in a sofa chair and place my plate before me. Pouring each of us a glass of red to go with the steak I’d prepared, I easily start up a conversation about the restaurant and how she feels about it now that she has been there for a few months.
She seems to be loving her new job as she becomes animated talking about it and how she would like to learn so much more about wine. Without hesitating, I offer to teach her some of the basics.
And as the night continues, I feel relief that I’m not alone.
That I have someone to talk to and share a meal with.
And so, begins our totally platonic companionable relationship.
It doesn’t erase Emma from my mind and it doesn’t take away my loneliness.
But it does help me to get through each day just a tiny bit easier.
Often, after Sarah’s shift, I’d go back to the restaurant, not wanting to be alone. If I didn’t go, sometimes she would text me asking me if I wanted company and I always took her up on it. During her visits to my house, while the ache of missing Emma was still there, it wasn’t as intense with her in the house.
The ache wasn’t as close to the surface.
So, I always accepted and as each day slowly came to a close, it helped me to avoid the dreaded emptiness of my house.
It was nice to establish a close friendship that is built around two deeply hurt people trying their best to cope.
To heal with no expectations other than friendship.
And it certainly beat being home by myself and she’d admitted once that it did the same for her.
During her visits, we discuss wine as she eagerly expands her knowledge in the field. It's easy being with her because I know she doesn't want anything other than my friendship and companionship. After about a month of hanging out together after work, she suggests a night out with her friends.
Quickly, I shake my head as I reply, “No, thanks.”
“Oh, come on, Lucas,” she whines. “Let’s just go out, have fun and let go.”
Shaking my head, I sip on my wine as I reply, “Not interested.”
“Why not?” she asks.
Shrugging, I reply, “Just not interested.”
Sarah watches me for a moment before she says, “I think it’s just what you need. You need to be reminded of how to have fun.”
I sigh heavily and shake my head as I reply, “You know I’ve tried the dating scene, Sarah. I’m not interested.”
“This isn’t a date, Lucas. This is going out with me and my friends, having a few drinks and a few laughs. Besides, you can always leave if you’re not feeling it.”
Sighing again heavily, I reply non-committedly, “I’ll think about it.”
But in the end, I decide to go last minute as Sarah continues to badger me to let loose.
Walking into the bar with Sarah on my arm, her friends size me up knowingly.
“Well, well, Sarah. Who’s this handsome devil?” a girl with long black hair and too much makeup asks. Her breasts are blatantly on display and my mind immediately slips to Emma.
Christ… - I silently fume. You’re still so besotted that the sight of another woman’s breasts even makes you think of her.
“This is my boss, Lucas,” Sarah says by way of introduction. “Lucas, this is Courtney,” Sarah continues as she introduces me to the black haired, sultry goddess.
Extending her hand, Courtney looks at me coyly as she purrs, “I’ve heard all about you…boss…”
Having no other choice, I take Courtney’s hand for a quick handshake, but she holds on, her hand squeezing mine tightly, her eyes inviting me to take all she is offering.
Abruptly releasing her hand, I turn to Sarah and ask, “Pinot Grigio?”
Sarah’s eyes are laughing at my predicament as she chuckles aloud while nodding her head.
I head over to the bar and place our drink order.
Courtney appears suddenly right next to me.
Unabashedly, she reaches her hand out to stroke my arm that is resting on top of the bar.
“Sarah tells me you guys are not a thing, so I figured I should let you know that I’m here alone too,” she murmurs.
Trying to avoid looking at her breasts that are pushing themselves suggestively into my arm, I murmur in return, “Sorry. I’m just here to have fun tonight. No strings.”
Her eyes widen, becoming even more suggestive as she replies easily, “No strings is exactly what I’m looking for.”
Unable to help myself, I reply honestly, “Sorry Courtney, but I’m here to forget women for the night.”
Her eyes hold mine, her lust very apparent as she says, “I’m very good at helping men forget…”
Letting that hang between us for a moment, she then leans closer to murmur, “Let me know if you change your mind and want some help.”
The bartender distracts me from Courtney’s offer and I turn to pick up our drink order.
Thankfully, Courtney has decided to move off and I don’t bother to see where she has gone as I head back to Sarah.
A few drinks later, I find myself on the dance floor, Sarah dancing in front of me as “Gangnam Style” comes on as she tries to teach me the moves to the senseless but catchy song.
I can’t help but laugh at her antics, and the alcohol mixing with the laughter, helps me to relax for the first time in a long time.
And it feels so god damn good.
Before I know it, I’m drunk, drunker than I’ve been since Emma left me, as I stumble by myself back to the dance floor.
As my drunken mind thinks of her, I have a sudden longing to feel what I felt with Emma once more.
The sexuality of her.
The all-consuming need to possess her again.
Feel her sensual lushness as I slide myself inside of her body, listening to her whispered sighs of my name.
Just thinking of her causes my cock to pulse and throb.
The world seems to be spinning when I feel hands go around my waist from behind and I feel soft breasts press into my back.
And just for an instant, I close my eyes and allow myself to pretend it’s Emma.
I feel myself harden further.
I feel hands move over my abs, feeling each of the muscled indentation under their exploration. It feels so good to be touched like this again.
But as Courtney steps in front of me, her scent fills me, and it feels wrong.
So incredibly wrong.
Opening my eyes, I watch as Courtney’s image swims before me, her breasts jiggling suggestively as she dances seductively before me, enticing me to touch her.
But I can’t.
Because she isn’t Emma.
Whispering, “Sorry,” I turn and look for Sarah.
Catching my eye, Sarah makes her way to me saying, “Perhaps it’s time for you to go home.”
Nodding, feeling as if my world is spiraling out of control, I allow her to take my hand and lead me outside to where we manage to flag down a taxi.
Drunkenly, I try to lift my leg to get into the taxi but suddenly I’m off balance and stumble. Sarah reaches out to catch me, steadying me.
It’s what I like most about Sarah. When my world feels so alone, Sarah is always there to steady me.
Worried that I may not get into my house, Sarah decides to go home with me. As she helps me through the doorway of my house, I pull her into me for a drunken hug.
"Sarah..." I say, wobbling a little and having to lean on her a little more to keep from falling, I admit, "I don’t know how I would get through each day without you.”
I feel her sigh as her arms come around me, as she tries her best to keep me upright.
Unexpectedly, a tear wells up and I only squeeze Sarah tighter as I whisper, “I still miss her so god damn much."
I feel her hand pat my back soothingly as she replies softly, understandingly, “I know you do, Lucas."
It feels so good to have someone embrace me again and for a moment, as I’d once done previously tonight, I pretend it’s Emma here, holding me tight.
My body absorbs the feminine softness of Sarah as my mind torturously reminds me that Emma had fit me so perfectly, like she was the missing part of me whenever she would wrap her arms around me. While Sarah feels nothing like Emma, this small amount of peace that I feel is what my body - my heart - my soul, has been craving.
“I miss this with her Sarah. How she felt wrapped around me. She still haunts me. Every night she tortures me in my dreams,” gently Sarah holds me while giving me comforting squeezes and after a few moments, Sarah disentangles herself from me and leads me to the couch.
"I’d made plans to ask Emma to marry me the evening she told me she was leaving," I continue my confession.
Shocked, Sarah's eyes come to my face in sympathy.
Nodding, I continue, "Yup, she had me hook, line and sinker as they say."
Wincing, she says sympathetically, "It must have hurt very badly when she said no."
Laughing a mocking laugh, I reply, "I didn't get a chance to ask her. She announced she was leaving, to go be with him before I had a chance."
Confusion crosses her face as she asks, "I thought she left to start her own place in California?"
Shaking my head, I reply, "Nope. I mean yes. She went to start her own place, but Eric convinced her, gave her the opportunity. She jumped at it."
"So, she isn't with him?" she asks confused.
Snidely I laugh, "Who knows. He has probably wormed his way into her bed by now." As soon as I say those words, I want to pull them back. It was the first time I’d said anything aloud about Emma and Eric.
It still hurt too much to talk about it.
But like a train that is hurtling down a track, out of control, I continue, “He has probably fucked her in all the ways that I did by now.” As I say the words I’ve been thinking aloud, it only hurts more but I can’t stop.
“Being with Emma was mind blowing, Sarah. Unlike anything I’ve ever felt. The thought of him tasting what was mine, making her body feel what I’d thought only I could make her feel eats me alive every day.”
I drop my head back against the pillow on the couch and I feel hands stroke through my hair, consoling me.
“She has messed me up. Spinning me around and around in circles. The memories of her hurt so much that I wish that I’d never met her,” I whisper. “But I know if I was given the option to go back in time, the option to have not met her, I would never choose that. I could never choose that. I could never not want her.”
Sarah’s gentle hands continued their stroking throughout my confession and now I allow myself to concentrate on that.
And slowly, I fall asleep.
When I wake in the morning, the sunlight is beaming onto my face from where I’m still lying on the couch.
I moan.
Every body part is hurting, trying to match the hurt on the inside but not even coming close.
Slowly, I push myself to a sitting position, and with nausea coming and going in waves, I grasp my head in both of my hands as it throbs heavily. I stay like this for a moment as the memories from last night come swirling back to me, remembering my conversation with Sarah about Emma. No one other than my parents knew that I’d intended to ask Emma to marry me. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I’d fallen for her.
How stupid I’d been.
And after last night, Sarah now knew how screwed up I’d been - still was, over Emma.
Heading into work, I force myself through my workday. Not feeling up to dropping back tonight, I seek out Sarah, who I know is just starting her evening shift, to thank her for looking after my sorry ass last night.
"How are you feeling today?" she asks gently as I approach her, a small sympathetic smile on her face.
"I've had better days," I admit. Then sighing deeply, I apologize. "Listen, I'm sorry I went on last night about Emma."
She shakes her head as she replies easily but softly with sympathy in her tone, "It wasn’t a problem, Lucas."
Smiling gratefully, I turn and head out to my car. On the way back to my house, I keep my head firmly turned from looking at the cottage as I’ve done every day since Emma left.
I know if I glanced in, I would picture her there.
Long for her to be there.
The next few months’ pass, and again, I force myself to try dating. I date shorter women than Emma, then taller, before switching to the same height as Emma, but none can hold my attention and I become tired of the whole scene again and give up.