Chapter 16
Lucas
Being with Emma had made me whole again.
But leaving her....it tore me apart…
All over again.
We’d spent the entire night awake, touching, whispering...making love. We’d stayed in bed, skipping the morning meeting. Both of us avoided talking further about my impending flight.
Pressing the button on the coffee maker, I watch as the coffee begins to percolate.
I want time to stand still, - I silently pray.
To just stop.
Sighing deeply, I search through Emma's kitchen cabinet and locate two coffee cups.
There's no one else for me...
And yet I have no other option only to leave her.
My parents, their business...my business, all depends on me.
But the happiness of my heart depends on Emma.
What the hell was I going to do? - my mind silently screams.
I clench my hands into fists.
Emma followed her dream, built a life here, and a successful one at that. I’d hoped that I was enough before but now that she has ties here, it would be unreasonable for me to ask her to leave to be with me.
And I couldn't walk away from my parents. The majority of the business operations today were my dreams, my responsibility. I had built it and I couldn't walk away and leave it all to mom and dad.
I grasp the coffee pot with too much force, causing the coffee to slosh.
"Fuck!" I swear angrily.
I reach for a paper towel and as I start to clean it up, I sense Emma’s presence. Glancing across the room, I see her standing in her bedroom doorway, looking lost as tears stain her cheeks. I drop the paper towel and extend my arms out. She flies across the room, a sob coming deep from her throat, and then she is in my arms, wrapped around me completely.
I tuck my head into her shoulder, inhaling her scent.
"My sweet Emma..." I whisper, squeezing her tight.
Another choking sob from her throat.
"I know, I know," I whisper, trying to soothe her, soothe myself.
"I'm so sorry, Lucas," she whispers through her sobs.
I sit with her on the sofa and hold her, praying hopelessly that time will stop. But as the clock ticks uncaringly by, we both cling a little tighter.
Unable to put off the inevitable, Emma lifts her head from my shoulder and the desperation in her eyes tears at my heart.
"You have to go," she whispers.
I nod.
More tears escape her eyes, tearing my heart further.
In my wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this, of ever finding anyone like Emma who fit me perfectly.
Who had my entire heart and soul.
But she was like the ocean waves...
Tides that came and brought her into my life, but then those same tides came right back again to sweep her away from me.
I kiss her cheek with light feathery kisses, just allowing my lips to hover over her soft skin, tasting and savoring her tears.
I feel so empty.
I have nothing to say, nothing to promise.
When it’s time for me to leave, Emma comes with me to the airport.
As we are stand outside security, she lifts her head from my chest to look up at me.
As we both try so hard not to cry, she whispers, "I’m so sorry, Lucas. I never planned anything like this happening between us and I promise you that if I could have foreseen this heartache, I’d never have allowed things to go so far."
A tear escapes, rolling down her cheek and she squeezes her eyes shut.
Pulling her into me, wishing I could keep her here, tucked into my arms, I kiss the top of her head. I never wanted anything in my life more than to be with Emma but yet here I am again, having to let her go.
Reluctantly, I push her slightly away from me, holding her by her upper arms as I gently whisper, “Emma…”
She opens her eyes and the pain there almost makes me fall to my knees.
She was as much in love with me as I was with her.
It was written clearly in the pain across her face.
Quietly, I murmur, "Emma, there was no stopping us. Whether we’d known this or not, there was no stopping us. And I wouldn't trade one moment that I’ve had with you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, Emma. My heart…my soul…has been entangled with yours ever since you walked into my office that first day. I don’t know how we will get through this, but for me, I’m not letting you go as easily as I did before."
Another tear slips past her bottom eyelid and trickles down her face. I wipe it away with my thumb before bending to place a gentle kiss on her lips.
As I step away from her, I feel as if I’m going to physically buckle.
I want to beg her to give up everything for me, to come with me.
But as much as my heart is breaking right now, I know that I have to let her go because if I begged her to come back with me, we would both be miserable. She would come to hate me for giving up her dreams and then I’d despise myself.
Because no matter what, her hate would eat me alive.
Her hand slowly slides from mine and pain sears through me. I swallow as I turn from her and enter security. I glance back as the escalator takes me slowly up to the next level, and see her still standing in the same place, her hands covering her mouth, trying to stifle her sobs. I give her a gentle smile because no matter how much pain I’ve endured, I hate to see her cry.
I watch until I can no longer see her.
And only then do I allow my head to drop forward in despair.
This was so much worse than when she first left.
At least then I had anger to keep me company.
Now...I have nothing but a longing to race back to her.
I mechanically go through the security and boarding process. As I reach my seat on the plane, I avoid Sarah's probing eyes as I settle in.
I remain quiet the entire flight, staring straight forward at the back of the seat in front of me, wishing - mourning.
Trying to figure out how to keep Emma in my life somehow.
Trying to figure out how to juggle my responsibilities.
After retrieving my car from the long-term parking lot, I wordlessly take Sarah's bag and throw it in the trunk next to mine.
About fifteen minutes before we arrive back at the vineyard, Sarah breaks the silence as she asks quietly, "Are you okay?"
I swallow.
Then I shake my head.
She remains silent for another few minutes before she says heatedly, "I think she's an idiot."
Her anger surprises me as I glance over at her.
“She’s not an idiot,” I reply instantly, my anger rising in return over her assessment of Emma.
Her face twists as she adds on, "I’ve come to know you, Lucas. You’ve restored my faith in men, that there are still some good ones around."
I don't say anything.
My emotions are too erratic for a response.
Sarah drops her gaze to her hands as she confesses, "I’d hoped that our trip to LA would develop into something. I have feelings for you, Lucas. Deep feelings. When I saw the way you reacted, the way you looked at her during that lunch, I knew you were still in love with her. But part of me hoped that you could see past that, to see me. I dressed that night to try to make you see me, but you didn't. You were totally enraptured with her instead. I knew where you were going when you left dinner abruptly. Everyone knew because everyone sensed and picked up on the connection between you two. But I’d silently prayed that she would turn you away."
I feel as if I want to vomit.
I truly like Sarah but I’d never once felt anything other than friendship in return and I never wanted to hurt her.
"Sarah..." I clear my throat.
"It's okay," she says. "You don't have to say anything. I know where your heart is, but I also wanted to let you know how I felt, just in case you had any feelings about me."
Sarah's admittance has put me in further turmoil. She’s a great person, beautiful in her blond looks and long, leggy body but she didn't captivate me, fascinate me like Emma.
When I reach the driveway of Sarah's rented house, I can’t help the sigh of relief that slips through me.
As I pull her luggage from my trunk, I feel like I have to say something.
She deserved some kind of response.
"Sarah, I’m in way too deep with Emma for me to even attempt a relationship with someone else. She still consumes me. You, of all people, have seen me at my worst. I don't know if Emma and I have a future and I have a lot to think about. But what I do know is that right now, I can't start a relationship with anyone. It wouldn't be fair," I try to explain.
Sarah winces but she nods. I hate having to hurt her but it's best if I’m truthful now. I don't know if I’ll ever move on from Emma.
Slamming the trunk closed, I glance at Sarah, hoping she is okay.
“What I feel for Emma…you deserve to have someone feel that for you. I’m sorry that it isn’t me because it would make my life so much easier,” I continue, trying to let her down gently.
She smiles softly, sadly as she replies softly, "I still think she's an idiot for letting you go." Then she turns and heads up the walkway to her door.
I sigh as I open my car door and slide inside. Backing out of Sarah's driveway, I head towards my lonely, empty house.
I shake my head, trying to clear it a little after Sarah’s confession during the drive.
And as the next couple of weeks slowly slide torturously by, now knowing about Sarah’s feelings, I don’t invite her back to my house. But also, not wanting her to feel like I’ve dropped her, I occasionally drop in at the end of her shift to share a drink with her at the bar with other employees securely around us.
I still consider her a great friend. I don’t know what I would have done without her during those dark and lonely days without Emma.
It’s during one of those drinks that she reaches over and squeezes my hand gently, as she murmurs for my ears only, “Thank you for being honest with me, Lucas. And thanks for still trying to be a friend.”
Nodding, I gently squeeze her hand in return.
As for Emma and me, we keep in touch with texts and phone calls, but it isn't the same as being with her. Every night I still go to bed by myself wishing Emma was next to me, her head on my chest, her finger drawing those slow circles around my nipple as she often did when we were together.
Every evening when I eat dinner by myself, the silence deafens me. It seems to envelope me, eating me alive with only my pulse a stark reminder that I’m alive.
The mornings are lonely as well as I jog past the cottage, yearning to go back in time to when Emma was there. The quietness within my house as I go about my mundane daily morning tasks of making coffee and showering before heading into work nearly drives me mad.
I always feel so god damn alone.
Lost.
Just existing instead of living.
If anything, remaining in contact with Emma has made me lonelier, only intensifying my want – my need, to be with her. But I couldn't give up that small amount of contact because at least it was something.
It was better than nothing.
My parents sense a change in me, making my mother worry even more.
"Lucas, what is going on with you?" she asks abruptly in frustration one morning after she has wandered into my office to find me staring out the window.
Turning from the window, I sigh, feeling despondent as I confess, "I was with Emma in LA."
There's a moment’s pause.
"With her?" she asks cautiously.
Uncomfortable with her question, I feel myself flush as I nod. I’d held off telling them because I knew they would worry.
"You never said anything. Are you seeing each other again?" she asks worriedly.
Sighing again, I run my hands through my hair as I respond, "It's kind of hard to see each other long distance but we’re keeping in contact."
"Have you made plans to see each other again?"
Shaking my head, I reply, "No."
"So, what is it exactly that you two are doing?" She is direct in her question as her gaze probes my face.
"I'm not sure," I reply hesitantly.
This time it is her turn to sigh as she says, "Lucas, you can't live with a long-distance relationship and have no plans for the future."
"I know that, Mom. But how can I make plans when I have no idea of which way to turn? She’s the one that I want. I’ll always want her, but she has a life, a very successful one, in LA. I can't ask her to give it up and yet, I can't walk away from here."
Silence hangs between us for a moment as I finally voice aloud what had been swirling around in my mind.
The heavy weight of responsibility I feel.
"Why can't you walk away from here?" she asks quietly as she breaks the silence.
"Because of you and dad," I admit quietly.
"Lucas, you cannot let your father, or I, be the reason you stay here. We would never want to be the ones to hold you back. Our job was to raise you with good life-coping skills and then let you find your own way in life. You have to be here because you want to be here, not because of us. If you want to leave or find a way to make this work so you’re happy, we’ll adapt and survive somehow," she says sternly.
Her words catch me off guard, but I can see the sincerity in her eyes, see the pain in them that she’d unknowingly caused me to feel like I’d had to live my life so that I could look after them.
But despite the heaviness of the conversation, her words also unexpectedly lift a weight from my shoulders that I didn't realize I was carrying.
I could go if I wanted.
Mom stands and walks around my desk to kiss me on the forehead like she used to do when I was a small boy.
Straightening, she murmurs, "The greatest gift to a parent is to see their child happy. That's all we’ve ever wanted for you, Lucas."
And with that, she leaves me alone with my thoughts.