Chapter 12
Emma
I’m so god damn tired of thinking of Lucas.
Tired of dreaming about him every night. Tired of waking up alone. – I think to myself as I allow my body to move in drunken erratic movements to the music, matching my erratic mood.
I may be drunk, drunker than I’ve ever allowed myself to be…
But it feels so good.
Because I’m so totally emotionally empty inside and I just want to dance.
To forget.
To forget how Lucas kissed me…
How his strong arms felt wrapped around me…
How his hands held my waist, so tight but yet so gentle, as he pushed himself inside of me…
How his eyes would stare into mine, how completely he consumed every fiber of my being…
How I miss the very air that he breathed…
How I wish I never left him…
A tear leaks down my face as I realize my attempt to get drunk and forget isn’t working.
If anything, it’s only making me feel more lonely.
Lost…
I’m left to dance on my own as Tracy dances with Tom, but I don't want to sit. I need to move, to feel as if I am at least partly alive. So instead, I allow the song, "Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris to take over my body. My eyes close and I do the one thing I didn’t want to do tonight and allow myself to think of Lucas. My eyes water again as I sing along to the song, memories of how Lucas and I had once gone to Toronto for a night.
We had dinner before hitting a night club and the wine that I’d consumed during dinner had lowered my inhibitions on the dance floor. My mind goes back to remembering how Lucas had been watched by several women as he swayed with me on the dance floor, all of their eyes taking in his tall, beautifully muscled physique along with his handsome face.
I knew they were wishing they were me.
With my inhibitions lowered, I’d turned in his arms so that my back was to his chest, and reaching back I’d grasped his firm ass cheeks, pulling him into me so I could nestle his now rock-hard cock between the cheeks of my ass, letting him know without any uncertainty that I was hot…wet…and wanted him. He’d wasted no time in grasping my hips in return, pressing himself more fully into me. A few more slow gyrations of my hips, and then Lucas was suddenly releasing me to grasp one of my hands to tug me hastily from the dance floor. As we’d passed those salivating women, I’d given them a saucy grin as Lucas pulled me along and into the men’s washroom, quickly locking the door behind us before he told me to turn and place both of my hands against the mirrored wall. A few short seconds later, he’d raised my skirt, moaned so very appreciatively when he seen I had no underwear on. Then he’d sunk himself deep inside of me, making me gasp at the sheer pleasure of him. I’d never felt so much like a sensually strong woman, in control of such a sensually beautiful man, as I’d held his eyes in the mirror as I only encouraged him to go deeper – faster – as I braced myself more solidly against the wall, arching my back and spreading my legs for him as his hands tightened on each of my hips.
My body, even now, heats up at the memory of him.
Of how he felt.
Of how he made me feel.
Of how long it has been since I have had any sexual release by a man…
An ache deep in my belly, spiraling down to between my legs settles deeply within me.
As the chorus starts up, I open my eyes to see Eric in front of me, watching me.
There’s no denying it.
He’s undoubtedly handsome.
And he’s changed since I met him. He has softened somehow, and I’ve watched how he has changed his interactions with our employees. He even greets Bertrand whenever he sees him.
He no longer treats them as if they are all his servants.
And right now, I know that he wants me.
Has wanted me for a long time.
Why not see if he can satisfy the ache? What would be the harm? – I silently and drunkenly rationalize.
Slowly, I smile at him.
He moves closer to me as I bop around, and as he places his hands on my hips, I close my eyes again…
To pretend that it's Lucas's hands on me…
Tightly squeezing my hips as he once did.
His hands tighten further on my hips as he leans close to my ear, whispering, "I’ve been waiting so long to touch you, Emma."
His whispered words, in a voice that is not Lucas’s – his male scent that doesn’t smell right, has the opposite effect he was looking for as my eyes spring open. I pull away from him slightly, causing his hands to grip tighter to my hips.
I shake my head as I confess drunkenly, "It will always be him. Even though you’ve won what you’ve always wanted and I’m tired of being alone, my mind will always replace you with him."
Eric stares into my eyes and I can see the hurt there.
It’s in that instant that I realize, even though I’m drunk, that he cares for me.
Deeply.
The beat of the music pulses around us as Eric continues to search my face, remaining silent as he contemplates whether he should take what I’m offering.
That I will sleep with him tonight, give him what he wishes as long as I can pretend he is someone else.
He slowly releases me.
I can’t help but feel stung as he rejects my offer because even though Eric isn’t the one I want, I’d hoped that he would be able to take away the loneliness tonight.
Just like he had promised.
If only for one night.
I turn from him and not bothering to say goodbye to Tracy, I stumble drunkenly outside to hail a cab.
"Emma," Eric says firmly from behind me.
"I'm going home," I mumble, wishing I was really going home and not just the empty condo I’ve come to hate.
My heart twists.
I haven’t really had a home since Lucas.
"I'm not letting you go on your own. You're too drunk. I'll get the driver to drop you back," he says wearily.
I nod, knowing he's right. I probably shouldn't be in a cab by myself right now as drunk as I am. I can feel my surroundings swirling around me, threatening any moment that I’ll black out.
Squeezing my eyes close, I silently allow myself to think about letting myself to slip into that blackness and I feel my body sway, now wanting to allow myself to slip into that abyss.
I feel an arm slip quickly around my waist, holding me upright.
My eyes open and I stare up into Eric’s handsome and understanding face.
The limo pulls up, breaking the spell and Eric swiftly opens the door for me. I crawl inside, hiking up my dress as I go.
"Oh god," I hear Eric moan as his gaze becomes riveted to the tops of my exposed thighs as he watches me settle myself inside the limo. I awkwardly and drunkenly pull my dress back down.
I hear him sigh before he bends and seats himself in the limo next to me, surprising me. If I was Eric, I’d be heading back inside, looking for an easier bed partner.
I look at him questioningly and he murmurs, "I’m going to ensure you get home fine."
Not wanting to argue, I turn my head to look out the window. As the LA scene passes through my window, I lean my head forward against the coolness of the glass.
"Will I ever not miss him?" I whisper. I don’t mean to say it aloud, but the drinks are making me more vocal than usual.
I feel Eric take my hand and squeeze it.
And I don't pull away or release his hand.
Instead, I cling to it for the duration of the ride.
I even continue to hold it as we walk through the entrance of my condo building, and as we step on the elevator, I place my other hand over the top of his that is still entwined with mine and rest my forehead on his upper arm.
I once again feel Eric’s hand gently squeeze mine but both of us remain silent as the elevator takes us to my floor.
Reaching the door of my apartment, I have to release Eric’s hand to search for my keys and I can’t help but feel the loneliness that snakes through me. A tear drops to land on my hand as I lift my keys from my purse. Blurry eyed and drunk, I drop my key as I try to unlock my door, causing me to laugh hysterically.
"I'm falling apart," I admit sadly, drunkenly. “And now you don’t even want me,”
"Emma…" Eric sighs out softly as he bends, retrieving the key. “You’re drunk,” he murmurs before unlocking my door to swing it open for me.
Quinny excitedly runs to me and I sway, then stumble before managing to stoop to scoop her up. Burying my face in her fur, I squeeze her, Lucas's face in my mind.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I hear Eric say gently.
Looking up at him, I know I don't want to be alone.
I can’t face another night alone.
Even though he has made it clear he no longer wants me, I can’t help but at least try to get him to stay with me.
I’m so tired of being alone.
"Please stay," I ask him softly. My heart wrenches, remembering the times Lucas had asked me to stay.
I only wish I had.
Eric’s eyes swing to my face.
"I’m always alone, Eric. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. But maybe if we have the casual affair you want, it’ll help me to move on," I whisper, knowing even as I say it, that nothing will make me forget Lucas.
"I don't think you are capable of making that decision tonight, Emma," Eric replies softly.
Shaking my head, I respond, "I need something to help me forget him. Because he still consumes me. He once swore that I would regret leaving him." I close my eyes as I remember the intensity in his eyes, how he moved inside me when he told me someday I would crave the air that he breathes, that I would wish I never left him.
"Emma," Eric says, placing both of his hands on each of my upper arms, causing me to open my eyes. "A casual affair with me will not replace him. And despite what I said before, I won't be a filler for someone else. Not with you."
Stung again for the second time tonight, I reply in a nasty tone, "I thought you would take me any way you could get me. After all, look at all you went through to get me here. Now that I’m a mess, a mess you helped cause, you don’t want me?"
Eric pauses, recoiling a little as I fling the truth at him.
"You didn't have to come," he replies quietly.
A sob escapes me as I move away from him, turning my back to him.
The room sways.
And I wish a blackness would swallow me whole.
"Emma," I hear him sigh out. "Why did you come?"
Closing my eyes, squeezing Quinny tight, I silently ask myself, - Why did I come?
Silence wraps around me as Eric waits for me to respond.
"I felt that I had to follow a dream I once had. I didn't realize my dreams had changed along the way. I thought that I would feel like a failure if I didn’t follow through with my original plans," I admit in a whisper, as I open my eyes and turn to look at Eric.
Once again silence envelopes us, as Eric’s eyes search my face.
Holding his eyes, I respond, knowing my heart is being exposed, "Now I only want to be with Lucas and his vineyard. I want to be back with him. I miss the way he touched me, the easiness of being with him. His kindness and thoughtfulness that centered around me. I miss how he made me feel so sensual by only looking at me."
I break eye contact, place Quinny in her bed before wearily sitting on my sofa.
A few moments later, Eric murmurs softly, "I think you should go back."
I glance up at him and shake my head, "He doesn't want me back. I’ve tried contacting him. He keeps ignoring all my attempts. "
Eric sighs as he sits a couple of feet away from me on the sofa.
"I'll call him," he offers.
Shaking my head, I reply, "I doubt that will do anything. You’re probably the last person, next to me, that Lucas wants to hear from."
Eric drops his gaze to his hands as he says quietly, "I'm sorry, Emma. I shouldn't have interfered, but I don't regret all that you’ve accomplished here or for giving you the opportunity. Magnum & Steins wouldn’t be the success it is without you, and I do think you needed to do this, for your own peace of mind.” He hesitates before adding on, “But now I think it is time for you to go back."
Sighing, I admit, "I’d go back in a heartbeat if I knew he wanted me."
“Have you tried contacting him recently?” he asks softly.
Shaking my head, I reply in a whisper as a tear slips down my cheek, “No, not recently. It hurt too much every time I tried contacting him and he never replied or called. I had to stop torturing myself, so I stopped trying.”
Eric holds my eyes and I see the pain in them for me.
Then he extends his arm to me, offering solace and I don’t hesitate as I crawl over to him and into his arms. I place my head on his chest as he wraps both arms entirely around me to squeeze me tight. It feels so good, after so long, to have someone place their arms around me.
I stay like this, listening to his breathing, absorbing how his hands slowly move up and down my arms.
Slowly, I relax and lift my head so I can stare into Eric’s eyes.
In them, I see only a deep caring, perhaps even love, for me…