Chapter 6
Emma
Every night I fall asleep to the same prayer that tomorrow will be easier.
But every morning when I awake, it’s still just as painful and I come to the realization, and acceptance, that I’ll never feel the same again.
That I may never be whole again.
I throw myself into getting the restaurant up and running. Thankfully, my life becomes so hectic that I fall asleep each night unhappy but completely exhausted and the first few months slip by.
Eric and I meet at least once every day, during which he doesn't stop his seduction. At every chance, he makes his innuendos, but oddly, he seems to have been slowly building respect towards me.
And I have to admit that if I hadn’t met Lucas, Eric would probably have turned my head.
At least for a while. It wouldn’t have been a deep emotional roller coaster of emotions like it had been with Lucas, but I could see how I could’ve had a great sexual fling with Eric.
He was handsome, charming when he wanted to be, and I’ve no doubt he was great in bed. All things for a great no strings attached relationship.
But Eric didn't have the goodness deep within him like Lucas did.
"Lucas..." I silently whisper, closing my eyes to the view of the new dining room that had been completed that day.
Every fiber within me misses him, the way he made me feel. His sworn promise that I would crave him someday rings again, as it does every day, through my mind.
I realize that every day that passes without him, I love him more and more.
If he called me, asked me to go back to him, I know I would walk away from all of this right now.
I would choose him.
"Emma?" I hear Eric ask softly next to me.
Opening my eyes, I can't help the tear that leaks out before I turn to look at him.
His eyes run over my face, and for a moment that suaveness falters as he continues softly, "That isn't the face of a woman who has accomplished a major milestone today."
Shaking my head, I force a smile as I respond, "Reminiscing." Then I add, "I'm okay," even though I’m unsure I will ever be okay again.
Nothing has changed. No one would ever replace him. I’ll never feel this way for anyone other than Lucas.
Eric pauses for a moment before he inquires, "Have you heard from him?"
I feel my smile twist as it gives way to a choking sob. I drop my eyes from Eric's and shake my head.
"God...I can barely keep it together," I silently chastise myself.
I’ve had several moments of weakness and tried to contact Lucas numerous times, to tell him how much I missed him, that I wanted him, but he’d ignored all my calls and texts. I finally, and sternly, told myself to give up last week because I was only clinging onto something that was no longer there.
Clearing his throat, uncomfortable with my tears, I hear Eric say, "The chef is waiting for us to sample some of the menu items whenever you are ready."
Nodding, I’m grateful that Eric has changed the subject.
"I'll be there in a moment," I whisper.
And so, my life goes on, day after day, missing him.
Wanting him.
Loving him more and more and I realize that I deeply regret my decision to move to California.
My mother’s words ring through my mind about making decisions based on what I could live with. I’ve realized far too late that my decision to come here had lead me to regrets about leaving Lucas. Now I’m struggling - constantly - every day to live without him.
From time to time, I can’t stop my mind from wondering if he is with someone else.
If someone else is on the receiving end of his kisses, his whispered words…
Making them feel like they are the most sexually sensual woman in the world as he gazes at them with those beautiful blue, piercing eyes.
My mind wanders, back to our first time in the hot tub, remembering how his eyes had heated my body past the point of allowing me to think rationally as they zeroed in between my legs after I’d wantonly obeyed his command to spread myself for him.
Is someone else now doing all of those things for him?
Feeling stomach sick, I push the thoughts away.
It’s stupid of you to allow those memories to come flowing back, Emma – I silently berate myself.
But sometimes, when I feel at my weakest, they catch me off guard.
Shaking my head, quickly swiping at my eyes, I turn with an aching chest to go meet with my chef, to continue living life like I’m not broken.
With only a faint hope at this point that someday I won’t be.
“Emma, this is the bar menu item you wanted to try for our different take on nachos,” Eric murmurs, his tone one of caution, as if he knows I’m weak, that I’m really struggling to cope today, as he places a dish that is piled high with crisped wonton wrappers, topped with duck confit.
The dish looks amazing and I take the first sample, dutifully trying to push Lucas to the back of my mind.
But everything I do reminds me of him.
Like right now as I taste the first dish, I remember standing next to Lucas, watching how he closed his eyes – how he licked his lips so sensually – as he tasted the first dish for his menu.
My heart aches and I wish he was here, standing next to me, sharing in my dream.
After I’ve tasted each dish, Eric pauses and then, for just a moment, I see a moment’s worry in his eyes for me as he turns to me to murmur, “Emma, I think you should go home and rest before tonight. Take a shower and clear your head.”
To see worry for me in his eyes momentarily shocks me. I’ve never known Eric to show any feelings for anyone other than himself and I feel myself, for the first time, responding to him with some feeling of warmth because it’s the first time I’ve seen a bit of humanity in him.
Nodding, I agree.
I’m not only bone weary and tired physically, I’m so emotionally tangled up and a complete mess on the inside.
“I’ll walk you home,” Eric suggests.
“There’s no need…” I start my protest.
“I’m walking you home, Emma,” he interjects firmly.
Nodding, giving in, I head back to my office to get my purse.
Meeting Eric at the employee entrance, we begin the short walk to my condo.
There is a heavy silence for a few minutes and then, “You still miss him?” I hear Eric ask softly.
A thick lump forms in my throat.
And I can only nod.
I hear a deep heavy sigh come from Eric and we walk again in silence for a few more minutes.
“I could help with the loneliness if you’d just let me in,” I hear him offer softly.
I look at him and sigh equally as deep as he did a few moments ago.
Eric hasn’t given up on the idea of me and him and I’m starting to see that perhaps he never would.
“Eric, I’m not the kind of girl that just sleeps with someone as a substitution.” I once again put him off.
“How do you know when you’ve never tried it?” he asks.
My anger erupts at him, at his stupidity and callousness.
“Eric, I will never - not ever - sleep with you.”
My anger doesn’t faze him as that slow suave smile slips back into place, and I watch as the small part of Eric that he revealed, that part that I actually like, slips away to reveal the cocky man always lurking just beneath the surface, as he murmurs reassuringly, “Never say never, Emma.”
Quickly, so angry that I could slap him, I turn and walk away from him to avoid doing so, and continue the few feet to the entrance to my condo building.
His persistence – his arrogance and suaveness - is slowly driving me mad.
Bertrand greets me warmly with, “Good day, Miss Emma,” before his gaze goes to Eric, as if he somehow knows that he has pissed me off again.
“Thank you, Bertrand,” I respond politely as I move past him and through the open door.
Walking over to the elevator, I take some of my anger out as I hastily swipe my key card and keep pressing the elevator button in impatience.
Eric can bring such deep-seated anger forth in me. I know it’s because he’s an ass and an intolerable human being who treats others with no regard.
But then I remember how he’d shown worry for me today.
Sighing, I shake my head as I remember his concern.
Where that had come from suddenly had certainly been a surprise because it had been the first time I’d ever seen Eric worry for someone outside of himself.
That glimpse…
I had liked that glimpse of him.
He would still never be anyone that I could ever be involved with romantically…or even sexually.
But still…
That glimpse had shown me he had a heart there somewhere underneath and again, I wonder as I’ve had many times, what had happened in his life to produce such a cold and unfeeling man.
Mentally shaking my head, I sternly push away any softening feelings towards him.
I’d do best to remember – to never forget – whenever I feel myself softening towards him to always remind myself of exactly who Eric is.
Reaching the door to my condo, I swing it open and Quinny runs to greet me. I immediately sweep her up, so glad for her because otherwise I’d feel as if I’d nothing to come back to this condo for, day after endless day. I walk back down the hall to take the elevator up to the roof. Placing Quinny inside the pet area, I look out over the rooftops of the surrounding buildings.
And I wonder, as I often do, what Lucas is doing right now.
I also wonder when this pain in my chest would go away.
Or if it ever would.