I tossed my phone across the room. Kyle still wasn’t returning my calls. I was right from the beginning. Sleeping with him was a mistake. I’d bared my soul to him, sharing my most painful memory, and now he was ignoring me? He hadn’t even showed up at the station for my show. We’d never gone this long without talking since the Lake George trip.

“Trouble in paradise?” Sean stood in the doorway of the booth when I finished my show.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I took off my headphones and smoothed my hair. I needed to pull myself together.

“Yes you do. Where is Kyle?” He walked into the room. “You guys are usually inseparable now.”

“I guess he’s busy today.” I shrugged before taking another glance at my phone. Maybe I wasn’t getting calls in. “I think my phone might be messed up, could you call me?”

“Sure.” Sean pulled out his phone. A moment later my phone rang. I tried to ignore the sting of disappointment. “Thanks. Glad it’s not broken.”

“I’m sure he’s just busy.” Sean’s cocky smile was gone. “I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I was just giving you a hard time.”

“It’s fine.” I wasn’t fine, but that had nothing to do with Sean. No reason to make anything more awkward than it needed to be at the station. “I’ve got to go.”

“All right. See you later.”

“See you later.” I grabbed my stuff and hurried out of the station.

I took my time walking home. There was nothing waiting for me there but an empty house and plenty of down time to overthink things. Maybe he just got busy with something else and forgot to tell me. But why did it have to be today? And wouldn’t he have told me if he had something important going on?

I reached the house and took a seat on the porch swing. I knew he wasn’t going to suddenly materialize outside the house, but I wasn’t ready to go inside yet. I started the swing moving, enjoying the light breeze of the early afternoon.

For good measure I called him again. The phone rang and rang before going into his voicemail. I already knew his voicemail by heart. Hey, Kyle here. I can’t come to the phone, but leave me a message and I might get back to you.

I always thought his message was cute until that day. Until I realized it was possible that he wouldn’t get back to me.

With a heavy sigh I got off the swing and went inside. I immediately changed into my running clothes. I didn’t know what else to do. I was due at work in a few hours, but I had to pull myself together first. On top of everything else I was stressing about, I didn’t need to worry about losing my job. I left my phone on my desk, giving it one long look before running downstairs and out of the house.

I ran farther than I ever did, needing to get away from campus and to squash down the sickening feeling that I’d just lost the guy I was hopelessly falling for. Was I really going to be able to move on like nothing had happened? There was no chance.

I ran past Kyle’s apartment. At another time I would have gone there for advice. I couldn’t now. I also couldn’t talk to Savy. She was too close to the situation since Glen lived with Kyle. The only other person who even knew what I was up to was Cara. After a few minutes of deliberation I turned back toward campus. I needed to talk to someone, and I needed to do it fast.

I didn’t bother to take a shower first before calling her.

She answered on the second ring. “Hey. What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

“Yeah, things have been complicated.”

“Complicated? Uh oh.” I heard muffled talking. “Sorry, I’m good to talk now.”

“Where are you?”

“In San Diego. It’s sound check time.”

“Cool. Wish I was there.”

“You could always come out here.” Cara invited me every time we talked, but I couldn’t tell if she was serious or not. Maybe she was lonely when Chase was busy.

“I can’t. I have to work every night this week.” I’d had my one night off the night before. Maybe I should have worked instead. I wouldn’t be freaking out as much if that had been the case.

“How’s that going by the way? Still enjoying it?”

“It’s fine. Not super exciting but it’s enough money to cover my expenses.” I didn’t mind the job at all, but at the moment everything seemed bleak. I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm.

“Nice. And how about we just face the elephant in the room” She paused, and I knew what was coming. “How’s Kyle?”

I sighed. Just hearing his name upset me.

“Uh oh. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.” I struggled to keep my voice level. What was wrong with me? Was I going to start crying over this?

“Are you still refusing to commit to anything?”

“No. Last night I admitted to having real feelings for him.” I’d thought it’s what he wanted to hear, but maybe not. Maybe the other stuff I shared outweighed it.

“That’s great!” She screamed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my face.

I sat down on the edge of my bed. I was suddenly too tired to stand. “I thought it would be.”

“Uh oh. What happened?”

“He’s ignoring me. He’s avoided my calls all day, and he didn’t show up during my show at the station.” The words all tumbled out.

“Really? That doesn’t sound like Kyle.”

“I know. It’s weird.” I kicked off my shoes. “I admitted how scared I was, and he turns around and does this?” I sighed. “Am I blowing things out of proportion?”

“You’re not, but I wouldn’t assume the worst. Maybe something came up.”

“That’s the only explanation there could be, right? I mean he can’t have suddenly decided he doesn’t like me and is going to give me the silent treatment?”

“Kyle’s not like that. Plus he knows he’s going to see you again.”

I wished I could tell Cara the truth, about how I’d told him about the miscarriage, but I couldn’t. I’d never told anyone but Kyle. It was the one secret that even my mom didn’t know.

“Are you working tonight?” Cara pulled me from my thoughts.

“Yeah. I have to shower and get moving soon.”

“Maybe call Savy on your way and see if she’s seen Kyle around?” Cara suggested.

“Is that wimpy though? Bringing my friend into it?”

“She’s your friend. She’s supposed to be involved. I wish I was there to do more.” Her voice fell. “I feel far away.”

“It’s fine, but promise you’ll be here to pick up the pieces if I break apart?”

“I will be there so fast it will make your head spin, but let’s hope there are no pieces.”

“Love you, Cara.”

“Love you too. Try to relax, and give Savy a call. I’ll have my phone with me all night so call any time.”

“Thanks.” Despite everything, I had to acknowledge I had good friends. That wasn’t something I could say in high school. Hence my best friend sleeping with my boyfriend. I never found out for sure, but my hunch was she’d slept with him before he dumped me too.

“No problem. Talk to you soon.”

I ended the call and tossed my phone on the bed. I needed to pull myself together. I was okay. If Kyle dumped me I’d get over it. It wouldn’t hurt so bad this time.

I took a fast shower and got changed for work. At least the wardrobe was easy. A pair of jeans and a tank top always did the trick.

I left earlier than usual because I wanted to get there before it got dark. Hopefully I’d find a ride home. I knew Kyle wouldn’t be offering.

Halfway there, I took Cara’s advice and called Savy. She answered right away. “Hey!”

“Hey, how are you?” I gave myself a moment to build up the courage to ask about Kyle. I didn’t want to get myself upset again. Maybe calling on my way to work wasn’t such a good idea.

“I’m good. Just got back from work. How about you?”

“I’m on my way to work.”

“One of these days we’ll get our schedules to match up.” She laughed.

“Have you been at work all day?”

“Most of it. Why?”

I braced myself. “I was just wondering if you’d seen Kyle.”

“Not since you guys got back today. By the way how was the beach?”

“The beach was great. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up before she could ask any more questions. Savy clearly didn’t know anything either. I glanced at my phone again willing Kyle to call. He didn’t. Of course. I pocketed my phone and continued the walk. At least I’d be busy at work. That would keep my mind occupied for a few hours.

---

“Do you want a ride home?” Bryan asked. The bar was empty, and it was already after midnight. Normally I’d have tried to worm my way out earlier, but what was the point? There was no one to rush home to see now. He still hadn’t called or texted.

“Would you mind?” Kyle’s warnings about walking home alone at night ran through my head. Mad at him or not, I wasn’t going to put myself at risk. Bryan was a good guy, and he never seemed to mind going out of his way to drop me off.

“Of course not. Give me a second to grab my stuff.”

I nodded. “Take your time.” I was exhausted, but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep.

How could a guy go from so hot to so cold? I was desperate to know, but then again I wasn’t ready for ‘the talk.’ Maybe he wasn’t as nice of a guy as we all thought. Maybe he’d wanted me to fall hard so he could break my heart. The thought didn’t sit well with me. That wasn’t Kyle. It couldn’t be.

“You okay?” Bryan asked when he returned.

“Kind of.”

“That doesn’t sound so promising.” He gave me a knowing look.

“It’s nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Jade? That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“It’s just stuff with a guy.”

“With your boyfriend?”

I got ready to argue Kyle wasn’t my boyfriend, but he was now, or at least he was supposed to be. “Yeah.”

“You guys have a fight?”

I considered politely asking Bryan to but out, but I changed my mind. “You know what, maybe you can help.”

“Sure. Should we sit down for this?” He gestured to the two chairs in the ticket office.

“Maybe that’s a good idea.” I sat down and waited for him to sit next to me.

“I’m all ears.” Bryan smiled lightly.

“Ok.” I let out a deep breath. “If a guy asks you to admit your feelings, and you do, and then a few hours later he starts ignoring you, what does that mean?”

Bryan wrinkled his brow. “Uh, what?”

“I finally agreed that I wanted more than sex from Kyle.” I played with a string that had come loose at the hem of my tank top. Maybe talking to Bryan about this was a mistake.

“Finally agreed?”

“We were friends with benefits first, but like I said, I finally admitted my feelings were real. I opened up to him. He dropped me off this morning and things were great, but now he’s avoiding me.”

“Maybe he’s busy?” Bryan shrugged.

“Be honest.”

“You really want me to be honest?” He ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair.

“Yes. I can take it.” I held onto the sides of the chair. I was going to stay strong. Bryan couldn’t know for sure anyway.

“He’s probably scared. He thought he wanted more and now that he’s getting it he doesn’t know what to do.”

“So what do I do?” I took a deep breath.

“Honestly? If I were you, I’d run. There are plenty of guys out there that aren’t commitment phobic.”

My temporary excitement disappeared. “But I don’t want to run.”

“You really like the guy.”

“A lot.” Way too much. If I didn’t, the solution would be simple. Forget about him and move on with my life. But there would be no forgetting Kyle. Not after the time we’d spend together. Not now that I knew how he could make me feel.

Bryan patted my back. “Then you go home, try to get some sleep, and hope he calls to explain himself tomorrow. Don’t chase him too hard. That’s only going to make him pull away more.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

“No problem.” He stood up. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.” I walked with him to the door and waited for him to lock up. My brief reprieve was over, now I had no more excuses to keep myself from trying to get some sleep. I checked my phone again even though I knew there wouldn’t be a single missed call or text.

The night was still warm as we walked over to Bryan’s Mustang. It reminded me of a lot of the guys back home. I slipped into the passenger seat, relieved I wouldn’t be walking even though the fresh air did sound good.

“You want me to drop you at the Delta Mu house, right?”

The handful of times Bryan had driven me home he’d dropped me at Kyle’s. This would be the first night in ages I wasn’t going over there. “Yeah, the house.”

“All right.” He turned and headed in that direction. We sat in silence until he pulled up in front of the house.

I unbuckled my seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem. And Jade?”

“Yes?” I hesitated with my hand on the door handle.

“You’ll be fine no matter what happens with the guy. He’s not the only one out there.”

“Thanks.” I hurried out of the car. I wasn’t up for any more conversation.

I got changed into my pajamas and looked at my phone one last time. I didn’t want to call and seem desperate, but maybe I’d sleep better if I tried everything possible. I hit call, and I got his voicemail again. Great. Point made.

I considered texting Savy, but it was way too late. I couldn’t wake her up. I washed up and got into bed, hopeful that I’d find a way to get some sleep. I needed a break from the thoughts and confusion swirling through my head.

I lay awake for a few hours before my phone rang. I picked up quickly without looking at the name on the screen. “Kyle?”

“No. It’s Dana.” Her strained voice was unfamiliar, but the name eventually sunk in.

I pulled the phone away from my face to look at what I knew would be an unfamiliar number. “Dana? Hey…” What was she calling me for?

“I’m guessing by the way you answered that you aren’t with Kyle?”

“No. I haven’t heard from him all day.” I clutched the phone tightly.

“That’s what I was worried about.”

“What do you mean?” I sat up and turned on the light.

“You really haven’t talked to him, have you?”

“No. He’s ignoring my calls.” I let the words slip out without thinking. For all I knew she already knew the whole relationship was a farce. Maybe that’s what he’d been doing all day.

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you need to know.”

“Know what?” My stomach dropped. “What’s going on?”

“There was an accident last night.”

“Is everyone okay?” I’d been with Kyle the night before. She couldn’t mean an accident involving him.

“No.” Her voice was tight.

“What do you mean? What happened?”

“It’s Dylan.” She cleared her throat, and I already knew her next few words wouldn’t be good ones. “His car went off a bridge. He didn’t make it.”

“What?” I held onto my quilt because I needed to hold something. “You can’t mean that.”

“I do.”

My body went numb. Dylan was dead? Eventually my senses kicked back in. Dana had just lost her cousin. “I’m so sorry.”

“Kyle hasn’t been answering his phone since his dad told him. We were hoping he was with you. Grace is already beside herself, I don’t think she can handle worrying about Kyle right now.”

“I’ll go over to his place right now.” I pulled on a hoodie sweatshirt over my pajama cami and jumped into a pair of jeans.

“It’s the middle of the night. Be careful.”

“I will be.” I hung up. Going anywhere in the middle of the night was risky, but I didn’t care. Kyle needed me. I’d spent all day convinced he was avoiding me when he was dealing with a tragedy. I was a horrible person.

I grabbed my keys, dashed downstairs, and I ran out the front door.