I paced back and forth in the living room. What the hell was I doing? I was alone in an apartment above a store on Long Island. I was living in the town I swore I’d never move back to, starting a job I’d never planned to do, and quasi-dating a guy who was exactly the kind I didn’t need in my life. Yet I wanted him in my life.

I pulled out my phone and did what I’d wanted to do for the past hour. You still up? I hit send on my text.

Leo replied right away. Yes. I assume you are too.

I smiled picturing how amused he probably was by his answer. I didn’t give myself the chance to change my mind. I pulled a zip-up hooded sweatshirt on over my pajama top and grabbed my purse. I wasn’t going to get sleep, and I wasn’t going to feel any better sitting around all night.

My phone buzzed with another text. Was there a reason for your question?

I ignored his text. It would only slow me down and give me the chance to chicken out.

The roads were dark and empty as I made my way over to Leo’s. I lowered the windows and enjoyed the crisp air. A few minutes later I pulled into the driveway and parked back around by the garage.

I took the steps slowly, staring down at my feet. I wasn’t sure if I was being crazy or smart, and I wasn’t sure if I even knew the difference between the two anymore. I glanced up and found Leo standing in his open doorway wearing only a pair of boxers and a huge grin.

I smiled. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He gave me an amused smile as he held open the door.

I walked inside and took a seat on the couch.

He sat down next to me. “I guess this is why you wanted to know whether or not I was awake.”

“I wanted to see you.”

He turned to look at me. “I wanted to see you too.”

“You probably think I’ve got multiple personalities.”

“No, I think you’re scared.”

“Scared of what?” I looked down at my hands in my lap.

“Of what you feel.”

I made myself look up and meet his eye. “I don’t want to be afraid.”

“Then don’t be.”

“You make it sound easy.”

“It is easy.” He ran his hand down my back. “Once you let go.”

“I don’t want to get hurt.” I rested my head on his chest.

“You are already hurt. Don’t bother denying it. You can pretend what happened with your ex didn’t hurt, but it did. And it’s not because you’re not with him anymore.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s because you can’t blame your unhappiness on the relationship anymore. You lost your excuse.”

“I wish you were wrong,” I mumbled against him.

“You can be happy, Cassidy. You have to be open to it. You have to take a risk.”

I lifted my head and met his eyes. “I came over here in the middle of the night in my pajamas.”

“Is that what you’re wearing under that?” He gestured to my sweatshirt.

“Yes. I didn’t want to waste the time getting dressed.”

“Were you afraid I’d board my plane before you got here?”

I laughed. “I realize my life isn’t a romantic comedy.”

He smiled. “I love how you understood that reference.”

I touched his shoulder. “I love that you made it.”

“I’m glad you came over.”

“I’m glad you were still up.”

“I’m usually up.” He shrugged.

“Maybe we can change that.” I started to unzip my sweatshirt.

He covered my hand with his as I continued to pull the zipper down the track. “I slept more the night you were here than I have in months.”

“Maybe it was the sex.”

“It was more than the sex.” He pushed my sweatshirt off my shoulders, revealing my cami.

“But it was good sex.”

“Incredible sex.” He brushed my hair back from my neck.

I pulled my cami over my head, baring my breasts. “I want more of it.”

His eyes widened as he took me in. “So do I.”

He leaned over me, essentially pushing me back against the couch. He stayed above me.

“You watch me a lot.”

He nodded. “I do.”

“Why?”

“I can’t help but marvel at beautiful things.”

Coming from some guys the line would have been corny, but it wasn’t at all coming from him. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you.” He lowered his mouth to my breast, and I closed my eyes. I was going to enjoy every moment and every sensation. I couldn’t know how many times I would get to enjoy it, and I was going to have to be okay with that. Nothing in life was guaranteed, and I was going to seize the moment.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer while I ran my lips down his neck. He moaned against my breast.

I slipped my hand inside his boxers and took him in my hand. He moaned again louder.

“You need to come over every night.” He released my breast and looked into my eyes.

“If this is the kind of welcome I’m going to get, then I definitely will.”

“Think you’re up for my small bed again?”

“What’s wrong with here?”

“My thoughts exactly.” His lips crashed into mine.

I responded, getting lost in his kiss as we haphazardly shed the rest of our clothes, neither of us caring where anything fell.

His hand moved between my legs, but I pushed him away. I didn’t want foreplay. I wanted him.

He nodded, understanding my need. I waited impatiently while he left to get a condom. When he returned I closed my eyes as he thrust into me and took me to the place that only he could.

---

“You have such a beautiful smile.” He ran his fingers up and down my arm.

“Thanks. I used to be self-conscious about it. I tried to hide my teeth.”

“What’s wrong with your teeth?”

“Nothing really, I just thought my tooth filled smiled was a little bit too much.”

“It’s perfect. Do it more.”

“I do when I’m with you.” My cheeks were starting to hurt from doing it so much more than normal.

“Maybe that should tell you something.”

“It does.” I snuggled against his side. “I don’t want to move.”

“Then don’t.”

“You want to sleep here?”

“Yes.” He left the couch, but before I could protest he returned with a blanket.

I smiled once again as he returned to the same spot he’d been in.

“You told me you don’t believe in all-encompassing happiness, so what kind of happiness do you believe in?”

“The kind you make and consciously work to keep.” He brushed his lips against my forehead.

“Happiness isn’t supposed to take work.”

“Anything worth having is worth the work. I discovered that the hard way.”

“Nikki…” I spoke softly, not sure what affect her name would have on the magic of the evening.

“I was never home. I focused on my job. I didn’t know how much I had until she was gone.”

“I’m sorry.” I had no other words.

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” He cupped my face in his hands. “I want you to make your own happiness. I noticed two things about you when we first met.”

“My weirdness?”

He smiled. “Ok, three.”

“What were the others?”

“Your smile and the loneliness behind your eyes.”

“You have that look too.” I ran my hand down his face.

“I know.” He closed his eyes.

“Naomi seems happy.”

“She is most of the time, but it’s been a rough road.”

“You’re a good dad whether you believe it or not.”

“You can’t know that from watching us interact once.”

“No, but I can tell from spending time with you.”

“It’s what keeps me going. I have to pull my life together because she still has an entire life to live.”

“You have a lot left of yours too.” I entwined my hand with his.

He opened his eyes. “I’m hoping I do.”

“Where would you live if you could live anywhere?”

“In the middle of nowhere.”

“As in off-the grid, middle of nowhere or the country?”

“Country.”

“I’m not a city girl. I learned that the hard way in Philly.” I liked the bustle, but in the end I preferred the quiet and easy parking.

“Perfect. When do we buy our cabin in the woods?”

I laughed. “Yeah, no thanks.”

“We can have indoor plumbing and maybe a light or two.”

“What about Naomi?” Even though he was joking, it didn’t feel right to picture a pretend world that didn’t include her.

“She hasn’t discovered video games yet. We’re good.”

I laughed again, and it felt so good. “I think we could wait on the cabin, but I wouldn’t mind another walk in the park.”

“Do you like camping?”

“I’ve never been.” That was something my brother and dad did together. My mom and I never went with them.

He sat up. “You’ve never been camping?”

I shook my head.

“That settles it. We’re going.”

“When?”

“What’s your work schedule?”

“It can’t be too many hours, and my guess is it’s flexible. I’m convinced Clay is giving me a pity job.”

“Does that matter? If you can help him out and earn the money then both of you win.”

“True.”

“We’ll find a time.”

“Your couch is comfortable.” I touched the leather cushion beneath us.

“It is, but I think it’s more about the company than the furniture.”

“I agree.”

He pulled our hands to his chest. “I wish I knew more about you.”

“Like what?”

“How your brain works.”

“Uh, way to narrow it down.”

“Are your dreams realistic?” He ran his lips down my neck.

“Very. I can never tell that they’re actually dreams until I wake up.”

“Do you have nightmares a lot?”

“When I’m stressed.” I’d had tons of them over the past year.

“So all the time then?”

I pushed his arm. “A lot.”

“Are they in color?”

“Yeah… just like real life.”

“Do you get nightmares from scary movies?”

“Yes, but I still watch them.” They were the safe way to experience fear.

“So you have a vivid imagination.”

“You wouldn’t be the first to say that.”

“I have one too.”

“I’m not surprised.” He was creative. He had that way about him.

“Sometimes I see one thing, and I start to build a whole world of ideas around it.”

“Maybe you were meant to be a writer.”

“Maybe.”

“I worry. I see something, and I think about everything that will happen before it reaches its end.”

“And on that upbeat note…”

“You wanted honesty. You’re getting honesty.”

“Then I’ll lighten my questions.” He shifted. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Broke into the abandoned Kings Park Psych center at night.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You?”

“It was during my rebel stage in high school.”

“Ok.” He leaned up on an elbow. “What did you do when you broke in?”

“Nothing. I spent the whole time worried we’d get busted or attacked by some ghosts.”

He rolled his eyes. “What a waste.”

“What about you? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Marriage.”

“Be real.”

“I am. I got married to a woman I’d only known six months.”

“Wait, seriously?” I leaned up slightly.

“Completely.”

“What made you do it so quickly?”

“I knew she was the right one. I didn’t see any reason to wait.”

“And was she?”

“Are you asking whether I had a happy marriage?”

“Kind of.” It was a personal question, but we were lying together naked after sex. How much more personal could you get?

“I loved her more the day she died than I did the day I married her. She was an incredible woman and an incredible mother. We fought sometimes, but then again everyone does.”

“If this is too hard for you to talk about we don’t have to.”

“I never talk about it, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.”

“But it might be weird now.” I glanced down at the blanket that was the only thing covering our naked bodies.

“I’m glad you’re not saying anything about her being happy I’d moved on.”

“I wouldn’t know whether she was or not.”

“At some point she would be, but not at first. If she still had consciousness she’d want me to suffer for a while first.”

“I thought she was an incredible woman.”

“She was, but that doesn’t mean she was a saint.”

“I’d probably be the same way. No one wants to feel like they’ve been replaced.” Then I realized how callous my words sounded. “Not that I’m replacing her, but—”

“You said nothing wrong.”

“What I meant is that no one wants to feel like they are replaceable—that life could move on without them.” A warm tear spilled down my face.

“You’re crying.” He wiped away the tear.

“Sorry. I’m not the one who should be.”

“I’ve cried enough over it to last a lifetime. You feel emotion, that’s not something to be embarrassed of.”

“Do you ever miss being young enough to do something crazy?”

“You’re never too old to do something crazy.”

“Want to climb on the roof?”

He smiled. “Aren’t you the one who didn’t want to move?”

“Yeah, but now I’m wide awake.”

“Sure. Why not? That’s not crazy, but it’s risky, which counts for something.”

I detangled myself from Leo’s arms. He watched as I got dressed. “Aren’t you getting dressed too?”

“When I’m done watching you.”

“You sound like a creeper.”

“What happened to you being an equal-opportunity ogler?”

“I did say that.” I zipped up my sweatshirt.

He got off the couch and jumped into his underwear.

“Aren’t you going to put on more clothes?”

“You think I have to?” He teased.

“Yes. I said crazy, not get arrested worthy.”

He laughed. “All right.” He put on a pair of jeans and walked over to the largest window. “I think this is the easiest way out.” He opened it.

“Looks good to me.” I went first. It had been my idea after all. I carefully walked up the pitched roof. It was higher than I expected.

“You okay?” He called out.

“Yup. Come join me.”

He met me on top of the roof a moment later.

I settled down. “It’s a nice night.”

“It is.” He took my hand as he settled down beside me.

“Maybe if we stay out here long enough we’ll see the sunrise.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m glad I came over tonight.”

“Me too. I was afraid I’d scared you away.”

“No. I can’t stay away from you.” I looked out at the dark night.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Me either.” I leaned my head on his shoulder.

He put an arm around me. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

“I’ll learn some patience.”

He laughed. “Good.”

We remained in the same position until the sun made its way up in the sky.

“We’ve seen the sunset and the sunrise together.” I smiled.

“We have. Now comes the hard part.”

“What’s that?”

“Spending more time in between them together.”

“You’re weird.”

“And you love that about me.” He kissed me lightly, and the morning got even better.