I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t even get myself to call my mom. How could I explain to her how important Kyle was to me, and why it hurt so much that he wouldn’t let me help him? I’d skipped lunch like I’d skipped breakfast, which was why I was out hunting down something to eat in the middle of the afternoon. The only thing that sounded remotely good was a piece of pizza from the student center, so I took a slow walk over.

I had maybe three bites of the pizza before I tossed it out and headed home. Maybe I’d get my appetite back the next day.

The house came into view, and the first thing I noticed was someone sitting on the porch swing.

As I walked closer, I was able to make out who it was. I slowed my pace, it wasn’t anyone I was ready to see. But there I was being selfish again. None of this had anything to do with me. I took a few moments to prepare myself before walking up the porch steps.

“Grace. I am so sorry for your loss.” My words couldn’t come close to summing up what I really wanted to say to Kyle’s mom. Nothing I could come up with would be enough to cover what she was going through.

She glanced up at me. Her eyes were red, and there was no question she’d been crying. She only nodded.

“Is there anything I can do for you? Kyle isn’t here if that’s who you’re looking for.”

“He won’t talk to me.” Her body shook.

“What?” I sat down next to her, not sure what I was supposed to do. “He didn’t open the door for you either?”

She shook her head. “He did, but it was like looking at a ghost. He told me to go away, that he had nothing to say, and he didn’t want to make things worse. He told his own mother to go away.”

She’d seen him. That was more than I could say, but looking like a ghost? “I don’t understand… Kyle has to realize…”

“He’s hurting. This is what he does when he hurts.”

I knew Kyle so little compared to his mom so there was no reason to argue. I wished there was something I could do for this woman. Losing a child… I’d nearly broken in half with the miscarriage. This was so much worse.

“But I can tell he’s beating himself up about this, it’s not just grief. But I don’t understand why. He won’t tell me anything.”

“He’ll come around when the shock wears off.” I recycled the words Savy had used on me. They didn’t feel any better coming from my mouth.

She turned to look at me. “Do you know about his depression, Jade? Has he ever told you?”

“Depression?” Kyle had never mentioned it.

She seemed pensive, like she was struggling for words. “He’s been on and off medication for years. You never know what’s going to set him off.”

“He never told me.” What else had he never told me? I’d shared my deepest secret with him, yet he didn’t trust me with his.

“He’s embarrassed.”

“He shouldn’t be.” How could he believe I would think less of him for suffering from depression? I had enough of my own issues.

“No, but that’s not why I’m here. I came by to see you because I need your help.” She took my hands in her.

“You know I’ll do anything I can, but Kyle doesn’t want to see me.”

“You have a better chance of getting through to him than me.”

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re his mom. I’m not that important to him.”

“You were important enough to bring to meet us. That’s big for Kyle. You need to get through to him. Get him to come out. He’ll regret it forever if he doesn’t go to the funeral.”

It was time to come clean. I was done lying. “Grace, I know this probably isn’t the time, but you need to understand.”

She held up a hand as if to stop me. “That you weren’t really dating.”

My jaw dropped. “Did Kyle tell you?”

“I knew from the beginning. A mother knows her sons.” Tears fell from her eyes as she said the words.

“But you went along with it?”

“I saw how happy you made Kyle. I wasn’t going to ruin that. I figured the two of you would figure things out eventually.”

“We did.”

“And I’m glad for that.” She squeezed my hands so tightly it almost hurt. “But right now I need you to help. I lost one of my sons. I can’t lose the other.”

“I’ll try anything I can.” I fought back tears that threatened to spill. It wasn’t right to cry in front of Grace with all that she was going through. “But that doesn’t mean he’ll see me.” He’d made his feelings about that crystal clear.

“When did you fall in love with him?” She locked eyes with mine.

“I…” There was no point denying what I already knew, especially when she was going through so much heartbreak. “I knew what I felt was real at the lake, but I tried to deny it to myself. I really knew for sure last night when I slept outside his door. I thought I’d break in two if he didn’t let me in. I knew he was hurting yet I was powerless to help him.”

Her eyes filled with tears again. “Maybe all you need to do is tell him that. Tell him exactly how you feel. It’s amazing how powerful a few words can be.”

“I’ll get him to the funeral. I promise.” I wasn’t sure why I promised something I had no control over, but I didn’t see another option. Grace was right, Kyle would always regret missing it, and she needed him there. The whole family did.

I was willing to admit the depth of my feelings to him and make myself vulnerable to help him. I was willing to do anything, but he needed to give me the chance.