I looked out the window and watched the landscape whiz by. The mix of older homes, municipal facilities, and schools continued on and on as the train moved toward New York City. I’d been on trains a lot in Philadelphia, but it had been years since I’d been on the Long Island Rail Road. Technically they were similar, but they felt completely different. Every city had a different feel and that extended to public transportation. It extended to the people too.

I had absolutely no idea what we were doing. In theory we were coming in to get my tape back, but I was doubtful. If the girl was really there, she probably wouldn’t still have the tape on her. Yet, there I was sitting next to Leo while he slept. Normally I’d have been frustrated if my traveling companion fell asleep, but Leo needed it. I was glad he was comfortable enough to fall asleep next to me in public. That took a level of trust.

He stirred next to me. He had great timing. Even if the station names weren’t listed on the screen, I’d have known we were close to Jamaica. I’d taken this ride more times than I could count growing up.

“Hey.” He blinked a few times.

“Good morning.”

“Sorry about falling asleep on you.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll try not to make a habit of it.”

“You need sleep. You’ve got months of debt to fill.” The more time I spent with him, the easier it was too notice the sleep deprivation. He hid it way better than I ever could have.

“So do you.”

“Not as much as you.”

“And now we’re arguing over who needs more sleep?”

“There are worse things to argue about.”

He put his arm around me. “Ready for an exciting night?”

“Of course. If Phil’s into this band it’s going to be retro and unique. Should be an experience.”

“I bet.”

“Where are we meeting him?”

“He’s meeting us at the door.”

“Couldn’t he just call us?”

“That would be too easy, wouldn’t it?”

I laughed. “Phil likes in-person communication better, right? I get it… I think.”

“You should since we’re going to be living in our cabin.”

“I never agreed to that plan.”

“But you didn’t completely shoot it down.”

“I’m trying to stay open to new opportunities.”

“And moving into a cabin with me in the middle of nowhere would definitely be a new opportunity.” He nudged my shoulder with his own.

“It would be.” I stood as the train slowed down.

“I have good timing.”

“You do. It’s impressive really. By the way, if the girl doesn’t have the tape I’m not getting upset. I’m getting that on the record now.”

Leo put a hand on my hip as we waited for the doors to open. “I’m not holding you to that. You’re allowed to react anyway you want.”

“Thanks for the permission,” I teased.

“Because you needed it I’m sure.” He led the way across the platform to where we needed to wait for the next train.

“Absolutely.” I wasn’t as used to taking the train into Brooklyn, but Leo seemed to know what to do.

“When’s the last time you were in Brooklyn?”

“Years.”

“You really didn’t get back to New York much did you?”

“No.” The train arrived, and we stepped on.

“Was that because you were avoiding people or because you were too busy?” He questioned me in a way that would have normally annoyed me, but coming from him it didn’t bother me.

“Both.” We walked up the aisle until we found a place to stand together.

He laughed. “Sometimes I think you’re faking it.”

“Faking what?” I held onto the seat next to me as the train lurched to a start.

“How much you think like me.” He pulled my free hand into his.

“I feel the same way.”

“They say opposites attract and generally I do go for my opposite, but I’m enjoying the change.”

“We have that in common too… the whole going for my opposite usually.”

“We never discussed what we’re going to do depending on how things go tonight.”

“I wasn’t aware we were supposed to.”

“Chances are the girl doesn’t have the tape on her. Do we offer to go back to her place or is that too sketchy?”

He laughed. “Think you’re going to freak her out?”

“If she listened to the tape and heard my singing already, yeah.” I smiled.

“Let’s take this one step at a time. Maybe she knew she’d see Phil and she has it. She heard the tape and wants to beg him to take it back because the contents are so frightening.”

I bumped my shoulder into his. “Very funny.”

“I have figured out one part of the evenings plans.”

“Oh?”

“We’re ending it together.”

“I thought that was a given.” I held onto his arm.

“It is.”

“What if we changed our mind right now?”

“Changed our mind in what way?”

“We didn’t go to the show. We went out for cheesecake instead.”

“You’re going to choose cheesecake over getting your tape?”

“It would be easier.”

“Easier isn’t better. No settling.”

I sighed. “Cheesecake is never settling.”

“How come I’m only finding out about this cheesecake thing now?”

“I only let myself have it every once in a while.”

“We’ll get it tonight one way or another.”

“Ok. Tape first and then peanut butter cheesecake.”

“Whoa.” He chuckled. “Now it’s peanut butter cheesecake? Making things even more specific?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. First we get the tape, and after we get peanut butter cheesecake somewhere.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Twenty minutes later we got off the train, and I followed Leo as he headed across the platform and down the stairs. We walked for a few blocks before Leo turned down an alley.

“Shouldn’t Phil be waiting for us out here?” I searched the area around the door of what had to be the entrance to the small venue.

“In theory.” Leo craned his neck to see around the dense crowd congregating by the door.

“Over there.” I spotted him talking to a girl wearing a denim jacket with a few patches sewed on. I hadn’t seen one like it in years.

Leo took my hand and led me toward them.

“Hey, guys!” Phil grinned. He’d never grinned in my presence before.

“Hey, man.” Leo gave me a look to let me know he wasn’t used to the enthusiasm either.

“Are you the tape girl?” The girl in the denim jacket asked.

“Yes… I’m Cassidy.”

“Cool, I’m Debbie.” She waved rather than extend a hand.

I waved back. “Hey.”

“I like your song about the endless ocean. I feel that way sometimes too.”

“The endless ocean?” Leo raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t ask.” I smiled to myself. I’d made that one up. I’d thought it was a poetic way to describe the never ending struggle of fitting in.

“I have your tape. I figured Phil gave it to me by mistake, and I knew he’d be here tonight.” She smiled at him and handed me my tape. It was in the same clear casing as the mistaken one.

Phil smiled back with a goofy grin. “I guess we were thinking the same thing.”

“This is the one you were supposed to have.” Leo pulled the other tape out of the pocket of his sweatshirt. I’d completely forgotten about it.

Debbie accepted the tape. “Cool. Thanks.”

“Are you guys going to come in and see the show?” Phil asked.

“No, we’re getting cheesecake.” Leo squeezed my hand.

“Well, it was nice meeting you.” Debbie smiled.

“Same to you, and thanks for bringing the tape.”

“No problem.”

“See you two around.” Phil headed toward the door with Debbie at his side.

“Still want cheesecake before we head home?” Leo asked as we walked down the street.

“No.”

“I thought you were craving it.”

“I am, but homemade is best.”

“We’re baking?” He cocked his head to the side.

“Yes. It’s a hidden talent of mine.”

“I’m game. Let’s see if we can get a train anytime soon.” His slow stroll turned into a more determined pace. We walked back toward the train station, retracing the steps we’d just taken. I held onto Leo’s hand on one side, and I clutched the tape in my other hand. I thought about the songs on the tape. The voices waiting for me.

They were voices from the past. Voices I didn’t need to hear. We’d made the tape the week before my friend got her diagnosis. It wasn’t the only tape we’d made, but it was the last. It was the last time I heard her real laugh, and the last time we were carefree. I hadn’t been the one who was sick, but I lost part of myself with her. It was a part of myself I’d never get back, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t find a new one.

I tossed the plastic tape into the street. Before I could even consider changing my mind a large black SUV drove down the street. Its tires moved over the tape effortlessly, and I didn’t need to look at the broken plastic to know it wasn’t getting fixed again. But I looked at the shattered remains anyway. I’d never forget my friend. I’d never forget the way she made me laugh and the crazy songs we used to write, but honoring her memory didn’t mean focusing on the past—on what was lost. It meant living. And smiling. And allowing myself to love even if it meant I’d get hurt.

Leo waited beside me. “That was final.” His voice was more amused than judging.

“I don’t need to listen to it. I don’t need to dwell in the past.” I turned to him.

He rested his hands on my hips. “I’d prefer if you dwelled in the present. The future is fine if you wait for me to come too.”

I smiled. “My point exactly.”

He brushed his lips against mine. “Ready to head home?”

“Yes. I’m definitely ready.” I took one last glance into the street before letting Leo lead me back toward the train station.