“You were right about Christmas.” I look at the paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling in the hallway at school. It’s the end of the day, and Veronica and I are walking out to the parking lot with Jack. “I feel like I’m in Whoville from The Grinch.”

“Yeah,” he mumbles. The darkness is back in his eyes, and I wonder if he had a flashback today. Being in the same school where everything happened has to be so hard.

“It gets worse after Thanksgiving.” Veronica rolls her eyes. “There are contests for best decorations. With categories. I’m so glad Mom and Dad don’t partake. People get ruthless.”

I laugh. “Over Christmas decorations?”

“Oh, they take this seriously. Jack, remember that year when people’s nativity scenes went missing?” She looks at her brother, but he doesn’t respond. His mind is somewhere else, and I reach for his hand. The moment my skin touches his, he jerks away. Veronica gives me a quizzical look. I give her a small shrug, letting her know I don’t know what’s going on either, though I have a guess.

Jack’s quiet on the drive home, and he doesn’t unbuckle when we’re parked in front of his house. He turns, facing me, but doesn’t look in my eyes.

“Can we talk?”

“I’m gonna go inside.” Veronica gathers her things. “See you later, Nora.”

“What’s going on?” I reach for Jack’s hand. He doesn’t move away this time, but he doesn’t flip his palm over and lace our fingers like usual.

“We need to stop.”

“Stop what?”

He pulls his hand back. “Whatever we’re doing. It needs to stop.”

The floor goes out from under me and I’m falling, down, down, down. “Why?”

“Come on, Nora. You know why.”

“No, no I don’t.” Panic rises in my chest. “You were fine this morning until…until I said I wanted to wait. Is this because I’m a virgin?”

“No.” He inhales and shakes his head. “Well, kind of. You’re too good—”

“Just stop.” My heart pounds, and suddenly, I’m hot. Sweat breaks out between my breasts and my cheeks are burning. “I’m too much of a good girl all of the sudden?”

“No.” He lifts his gaze, looking at me for the first time since this morning. “You’re too good for me. We’ve both been through hell, but you rose from the ashes. I…I don’t want to make you go down in flames. So we have to stop.”

“That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it.” I grab my backpack and get out of the car. I don’t look back as I cross the yard. I don’t slow when I hear Jack open and close the driver’s side door. I hurry up the steps to the Kellers’ front porch, trying to hold onto my anger. Who does Jack think he is? I can make my own decisions, thank you very much.

I throw open the front door and come face to face with Stephanie and boxes upon boxes of Christmas decorations. She’s putting together an artificial tree, and a memory of decorating with Mimi hits me like a knife to the heart.

“Hi, honey. How was school?”

My bag falls to the floor with a heavy thud. Tears fill my eyes and I clutch my chest, overcome with hurt. Jack was wrong. I didn’t rise out of hell. I’m still there, and without him, I’m trapped in the dark.

“Nora?” Stephanie drops the top of the tree and rushes over. “Oh, honey.”

I break down the moment her arms go around me. I miss my mom and dad. I miss Mimi. I’m an orphan, and once I graduate school, I’ll have to leave here.

I have no one.

No place to go.

I’ll be homeless.

I’ll be alone.

It’s too much, and everything comes crashing to the surface.

“It’s all right, honey.” Stephanie sinks to the ground with me. “It’s gonna be all right.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and suck in a sob. Crying doesn’t solve anything. Mimi’s words ring in my head. She tried to make me tough, and if she saw me sitting here in a puddle of tears, she’d click her tongue and shake her head.

Let yourself be sad. Let yourself feel. But don’t wallow in it. That pain you feel, that ache in your heart you think is going to bring on the night and keep the sun from rising? Crying isn’t going to make it go away. But you know what can? Getting up and doing something about it.

I take in a breath and wipe my eyes. The tree is behind us, and I look at it, hating Christmas and missing it at the same time.

“You should fluff the tree one layer at a time.”

Stephanie turns, glancing at the tree. “Yeah? I always do it all at once.”

“You could, I guess, but it seems to look better when you do it one at a time. You can lean over and really get the inside.” I push myself up, take off my shoes, and step over a box of silver ornaments. “Are you adding ribbon?”

I can feel Stephanie’s eyes on me. When she doesn’t respond, I turn away from the tree. “What’s going on, hun?”

“Christmas was always a busy time.” My voice wavers. “I loved it because I got to help my grandma with her clients’ trees.”

“People pay interior decorators to put up their trees?”

“Oh yeah. And the rest of their seasonal decor as well. My favorite thing was to fluff the trees and add the ribbon.” I crouch down and start gently separating the branches. “It could take hours. Some of the trees we did were over sixteen feet tall.”

Stephanie comes over, and her hand lands on my shoulder. She’s going to tell me to stop, to sit down and talk about my feelings or some crap like that. “I don’t have ribbon, but we could go get some.”

I stop fluffing the tree and stand, looking into Stephanie’s eyes. For the first time, she gets me. “Let me see your ornaments first. Maybe we could do a theme.”

Stephanie opens the boxes, showing me her Christmas haul. She has a lot to work with.

“You know.” She pulls out a nutcracker. “I’ve always wanted to participate in best-styled tree contest but can’t decorate to save my life. Maybe this year we could?”

“I’d like that. Is that another tree?” I point to a large box buried under garland.

“Yes, it’s a ten-footer I got to put in the back sunroom. I got it on sale last year, got it home, and realized none of the lights work. Doug tried fixing it, but there’s something wrong with the wires and it won’t light up. I can’t return it.” She frowns and shakes her head. “Maybe we’ll find another on sale after this season. Those suckers are expensive, but I’ve always wanted to take advantage of that cathedral ceiling.”

“You still can. All we need are manicure scissors, some new string lights, and a couple of hours to get the broken lights off.”

Stephanie smiles. “What are we waiting for?”

* * *

Veronica comes to get me the next morning for school. It’s cold today, and I sit inside waiting. I watch her cross the lawn, heart sinking when I see Jack go right to the Jeep. He was serious about not seeing me anymore.

“Holy crap.” Veronica looks past me into the living room. “That tree is gorgeous!”

“Thanks.” I step aside to let her in to admire it.

“Wait, you did this?”

“I did grow up with a celebrity interior designer, you know.”

Stephanie comes down the stairs, face lighting up when she sees the tree. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

“It’s like something from a magazine! Can I take a picture? My mom would love this.”

“Go ahead. Nora put in hours on that tree. It deserves all the recognition in the world.”

“Hours?” Veronica raises her eyebrows. “We spend like twenty minutes doing our tree.” She snaps a few photos. “But this is seriously gorgeous!”

“I really like the peppermint theme.” I stand back, admiring my own work. Mimi would be proud, I think. “And we have another one to put up tonight. The theme is blue and silver and it’s going to be amazing.”

“It will, but you girls better hurry and not be late for school.” Stephanie checks the time on her phone. Veronica and I head out the door, and Jack starts the Jeep when he sees us. I hesitate, not sure if I should sit in the front or not. Deciding it would be too obvious to Veronica that something is off, I get in.

“Hey.”

Jack grips the steering wheel. “Hi.”

If it wasn’t for Veronica’s excited chatter about the upcoming dance, the short drive to school would be filled with awkward silence.

“You really should go.” We get out of the Jeep and walk through the parking lot. Jack lags behind.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“I’m going with Marcus, Nancy is going with Ryan, and Alice is going with her boyfriend Troy, of course. Troy’s friend Greg just broke up with his girlfriend and needs a date. He might have talked to me and asked to see if you’d say yes before he asks you. It will totally be a friends only thing, I promise.”

I look behind me at Jack. As much as I’d love to go a dance, I wouldn’t expect him to. And I wasn’t planning on going with anyone else. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but only because we couldn’t tell anyone about us. Or so I thought. But since he wants nothing to do with me now, I have no reason not to go.

“Yeah. I’ll go with Greg.”

Veronica squeals with excitement. “It’s going to be so much fun! We need to go dress shopping like yesterday. There’s a dress store in Greendale that’s to die for, but my mom is being so lame and doesn’t want to drive all the way there.”

I want to turn around and look at Jack again. I keep my eyes focused on the building in front of me. “Stephanie and I are going to Greendale on Saturday.”

“No way! But, uh, why?”

“To see my grandma. You can come with if you don’t mind coming with us to the nursing home first. Or maybe second. That way I can show Mimi a picture of the dress I got.”

It’s a good thing this girl doesn’t play poker. I can see her abhorrence over hanging out at a nursing home clear as day. “No, I don’t mind at all.” We step into the school. “This is going to be so much fun! Shopping this weekend, Thanksgiving after that, and then the dance!”

“Yeah, Thanksgiving.” The ache in my heart is back, and I wish Jack were behind me. He’d understand without me having to say a thing. Thanksgiving without Mimi is going to be terrible.

* * *

Dress shopping with Veronica was fun. I felt like a normal seventeen-year-old girl for the first time in way too long. My dress is ice blue with a sweetheart neckline, an open back, and lots of sparkles.

Having Veronica with me eased the pain of seeing Mimi deteriorate before my eyes. There’s more to Veronica than she lets on. The initial shock of hanging out inside the nursing home wore off, and she was funny and caring, trying to joke around and ease the tension.

She invited me over for dinner after shopping, and I almost said no. I don’t want to see Jack in such close quarters. I try telling her I’m tired, but after she insists, there’s no way to get out of it without being obvious. I go inside the Kellers’ house first, putting my dress in the closet and changing out of my heels and jeans into leggings and flats.

Jack and Charlie are walking down the street when I go down the front porch steps. I slow, gauging the distance between us. We’re going to reach the same destination at the same time, and it’s going to be super awkward. We make eye contact and I whirl around, intent on acting like I forgot something.

“Nora.” Hearing him say my name sends a rush through me.

“Yeah?”

“Are you coming over?”

“Yes.” I go back down the steps. “Veronica invited me over for dinner. Is that okay? Or do I need to stop that too?” It’s a cheap shot, and I took it.

“No.” He walks to the sidewalk connecting to his porch. Charlie pulls on his leash, tail wagging. I’m mad at Jack, hurt by the ease at which he avoids me. But I can’t ignore the dog.

“Hey, buddy.” I crouch down, letting Charlie sniff me and move in for a cuddle. I stand, and Jack and I stand there.

“I miss you.” His voice is strained and quiet, and he can’t look at me as he talks.

“I miss you, too.” My heart speeds up. “Can we at least be friends?”

“No. I don’t want to be friends with you.”

“Oh, well, uh…”

He grabs my wrist and pulls me to him. I stumble and my hands land on his chest. His heart is racing. “I want to be more than friends, and we shouldn’t. I’m no good for you.”

“Shouldn't I be the one to determine that?”

“You don’t know what you’re getting into.” He takes a step back, and though he’s only a foot away, it feels like there are oceans between us.