Sometimes you fuck up and there’s no second chance. You have to live with your mistakes. That’s life. You have to deal with the shit of your bad choices and there’s no way around it.

That’s where I am now. Sitting alone in this big, empty house with no one but Charlie to keep me company. The quiet loneliness gets to me from time to time, but I’ve been able to deal.

But now knowing how deeply I hurt Nora…

I push off the balcony and go into my bedroom. I shouldn’t have told her I loved her. Suffering in agonizing unrequited love was supposed to be my cross to bear. She wasn’t supposed to cry when she saw me and knowing that the sight of me brings up such strong emotion in her makes me wish I could go back and tell my eighteen-year-old self to stay away from her because the only thing I can bring this girl is heartache.

There’s a selfish part of me that wants to go to her, kiss her, and remind her of everything we used to have. I replay everything in my head over and over. The way she looked at me. The relief in her eyes when I told her I wasn’t getting married. The things she said.

She wanted me. She wanted a family.

I put my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. A headache is coming, and I need to sleep before it turns into a migraine. I fall back into bed and pull the covers over my shoulders. It’s three in the morning, and I haven’t been able to sleep.

After coming home from my parents’, I spent four and a half hours drawing heart-eating mermaids. Drawing relaxes me, both digitally and on paper. Being able to channel my fucked-up mind into something profitable is nice too.

Charlie jumps up in bed and weasels his way under the covers until his head is resting on my chest.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I tell him. “I’m not going back.”

He lets out a small whimper.

“No. She told me to leave her alone. I did enough damage already. The least I can do is listen.”

Charlie nudges me, licking me right in the face.

“Stop being so optimistic. It’s annoying.” I shake my head and sigh. “She said loved. Past tense. You heard her.” I scratch Charlie’s ears and he grumbles, falling asleep. I close my eyes and visions of Nora flash before me.

I lied: the house is haunted. Not by ghosts, but by memories.

* * *

Sweat drips down my brow and I wipe it away with the back of my hand. It’s hotter than hell out today, breaking a record for this part of California this early in the summer. It’s too hot for Charlie to be out, and probably too hot for me too.

Yet, I’m out here running. Dry earth pounds under my feet and I keep pushing myself, hoping to rid my mind of her with each stride. It doesn’t work, and by the time I get to the lake, I feel sick from the heat. I slow, drink the rest of my water, and stop along the shore. This time I do cool off in the water, resting just enough to keep me from passing out from heatstroke.

I’m sweating profusely again when I get home, and I take time to make sure I cool down slowly and not get muscle cramps. Then I crash on the living room floor, resting my feet on the cool stone of the fireplace. Charlie is on the couch, sprawled out and panting.

“Sorry, buddy. I didn’t think we’d need air conditioning. It’s never this fucking hot here. It’ll cool off soon enough.”

I’m too lazy to go upstairs and lay under the ceiling fan in my bedroom. Too lazy and too sweaty to lay in bed. I need to shower. Running in this heat after getting only a few hours of poor quality sleep was a terrible idea, and I’m paying the price for it now. I start to feel sick and know I need to get my ass up and eat. But I really don’t want to move.

My phone rings, forcing me up. Mom is calling. Assuming she’s going to tell me Nora is home, I let it go to voicemail, opening the fridge for something to eat instead. I’m halfway through my sandwich when she calls again.

Deciding not to delay the inevitable, I answer.

“Hey, Jackie,” she says. “Are you busy?”

“Not particularly. Why?”

“I got a new display for the store and it delivered here instead of the shop, and it’s too heavy for me to load into my car myself. Dad’s at work and I need to get the new shelves to the store today while Mark is there.”

I hesitate. Veronica tried the same shit on me yesterday. But Mom has been upgrading her store lately. “I’ll take a shower then come over.”

“Thanks, Jackie.”

I’ve given up telling her to stop calling me that. I finish eating then go upstairs and shower. Charlie rides shotgun on the way over, sticking his head out the window the entire way.

I ran into Nora yesterday. Yeah, she lives next door, but the chances of coming face-to-face with her again have to be low. Still, I look at the Kellers’ house before I get out, remembering all those times before school when I’d find Nora sitting on the porch steps, eyes closed with her face turned up to the sun.

My chest tightens, and I kill the engine and get out, taking hold of Charlie’s leash just in case he decides to be stupid and run away again. There is a large box on my parents’ porch. At least Mom wasn’t lying. I pick it up—it really is too heavy for her to carry—and take it in through the garage, sticking it in the backseat of her car.

The cool air feels so fucking refreshing when we step inside. Veronica is at the kitchen table, finishing a smoothie. She’s dressed with her hair done, which is out of character for her. It’s not even ten AM yet and she’s on summer vacation.

“Hey.” She looks up from her phone for half a second. “And hi, Charlie.” He sticks his nose in her lap, demanding attention. “I saw you yesterday, goof.” She sets the phone down to pet him. “You act like you haven’t seen me in ages.”

“He’s not that lucky.” I go right to the fridge, even though I ate before I came.

“Shut up.” She pets Charlie and then gets up to fill his empty water bowl. “Did you see Nora?” she asks quietly.

“I saw her.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“Yeah.” I take a box of leftover pizza to the table.

“And?” Veronica sloshes water all over the floor and grabs a towel from the counter to wipe it up.

“There’s nothing to tell. So stop bringing it up.”

“Then why do you sound so annoyed?”

“Because I am,” I say a little too loudly. “She doesn’t want anything to do with me, okay?”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. She fucking told me to leave her alone.”

Veronica’s eyes wide. “Oh. Shit. I’m…I’m sorry.”

I shake my head, not hungry anymore. “Just drop it, okay?”

“Okay.” She throws the towel into the laundry room and sits at the table. “She doesn’t have a boyfriend. I saw her this morning and asked.”

“What part of drop it don’t you understand?”

“Just thought you should know.” She gets her purse from the coat closet. “I’m going to the lake with the girls. I saw Alex there yesterday, and I bet he’ll be there again today. Want to come?”

“No. I have to work.”

“What are you working on now?”

“Zombie mermaids. Plus a couple logos.”

“You have the coolest job. And you get to work from home. It’s not fair.”

“I put in my time,” I say, reminding her of the shitty job I worked for several years while in school and then after I graduated, designing ads for asshole clients at a marketing firm. It was so far from the dark digital art I did as a hobby, and for once I got a little lucky when a small publisher reached out and asked if I ever did cover design. I took a chance and quit my job, and barely got by for half a year. Then the small publisher got bought out by a bigger one, and instead of firing me and replacing me with an existing digital artist, they put me on full-time.

“Can I bring Charlie?’ Veronica asks before she walks out the door. “There was a cute guy at the lake yesterday with a black lab. It would be a good way to start a conversation.”

“It’s too hot for him to be outside, and you are not pimping out my dog.”

“I’m not pimping him out, I’m using him to pimp myself out.”

“And that’s better?”

She makes a face and rolls her eyes. “Fine. I can get a better tan if I’m not dealing with a dog anyway.” Her face softens, and she takes her hand off the doorknob. “I’m really sorry, Jack. I want you to be happy, and I thought maybe she…I’m sorry.”

It’s easy to fault my sister with being immature. She hasn’t changed much since graduating high school, though I’m not sure I have either. But she cares and is the only person who knows both sides to the story. She was friends with Nora too.

“I’m all right.”

Veronica nods. “Sure. If you change your mind, I’ll be at the lake all day.”

“Okay. I’ll text you if I do.” I lean back, picking pepperonis off the pizza to give to Charlie. Mom comes downstairs in a whirlwind, rushing around to get to work on time. Running late is one of the few traits she passed down to Veronica.

“Hey, Jackie.” She comes over and kisses the top my head. “Thanks for coming over and putting the shelf in my car. I feel like a wimp for not being able to lift it. Ronnie and I even tried picking it up together.”

“No problem.”

“Sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t. I was already up and ran five miles before you called.”

“It’s too hot to be running. You’re going to get overheated.”

“I’m fine, Mom. And I’m gonna hang out here and enjoy your air conditioning for a while, so coming over isn’t a big deal.”

“Good idea. Who would have thought you’d need AC at your place?”

“Yeah, it’s weird. The heat won’t last much longer though.”

“Let’s hope not. Dad said the heat is making people irritable. They’ve been busy with petty cases all week.”

I close the pizza box and push it to the middle of the table, out of Charlie’s reach. “My laptop is in the car. I need to get it before it melts.” I follow Mom out, and she hugs me goodbye. I’m only half an hour away, but I don’t come here often. I like the solitude of my cabin, and work keeps me busy. I’m not happy, but what I told Veronica is true. I am all right, and when I think about it, I can see how I’ve grown over the last four years.

I’ve lost the love of my life, but I’m alive. I’m trying to act like it. She taught me that. It took a long time for me, but I make a point to be grateful for what I have. My life. My health. My art. Charlie. A roof over my head and a family that just won’t give up on me, no matter how annoying their persistence is.

I crack the windows in the Jeep, hoping it’ll help to keep it cool and grab my computer. I’m walking up the sidewalk to go inside when Nora comes out of her house. She freezes, then sidesteps back toward the porch.

“Nora,” I start, angling my body to hers. “Wait.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t turn and run either. I cross the yard, stopping a foot from her. Gold streaks her dark hair, hanging in loose waves around her pretty face. She’s not wearing makeup—or a bra, and it’s killing me to keep my eyes off the slight outline of her nipples through her pale pink tank top. Nora was always well endowed, but I’m certain her breasts are bigger.

“Yeah?” She pulls her hair over her shoulder.

I swallow hard and look into her eyes. The pain is back, deep in my chest. I embrace it, feel it, knowing it’s there by my own doing. “I’m not going to invite you over or even ask you to sit and talk with me. I just want to tell you I’m sorry.”

“I will.”

“You will what?”

“Sit and talk with you.”

“Really?” I wasn’t expecting that.

“Yeah. It’d be nice to catch up.” She motions behind her. “Want to sit on the porch?”

“In this heat?”

Nora laughs, and fuck, I’ve missed that sound. “It’s not that hot, you know.”

“Hey, it is for us mountain folk. I didn’t put an air conditioning unit in the cabin because I didn’t think I’d need it. I’m hanging out over here for Charlie’s sake.”

She smiles again. “For Charlie?”

“Yeah. Just him. The heat doesn’t bother me at all,” I say sarcastically, making her laugh again.

“I told Stephanie to turn the air off.” She turns, walking back up the steps of her porch. “It’s such a waste of energy.”

“Spoken like a true Berkeley grad.”

“Hey now,” she says playfully. “Actually, that stereotype is pretty accurate.” We sit on the porch swing, keeping a careful distance between each other. “It’s really not bad in the shade.”

“No, it’s not.”

“So,” she starts, pushing off the porch with her feet. “You didn’t get a degree in criminal justice?”

“Nope. I switched to art and narrowed it down to graphic design by the time I graduated.”

“I’m glad. It suits you.” She blinks and looks away. “Or it did.”

“It does.”

“What do you do?”

“I design and create book covers for a publisher.”

Her green eyes widen. “Really?”

“Yeah, and I do other stuff on the side. Mostly to stay busy. I like to build things and have been getting into wood carving lately. Kinda random, I know. Turns out I’m good with my hands.”

“I could have told you that,” she says with a cheeky grin. Is she flirting with me?

“What about you?”

She pushes the swing back once more then brings her feet up. “I have a degree in civil engineering, and just completed an internship in design and construction.”

“Sounds like a bit of Mimi rubbed off on you after all.”

She smiles. “It did for sure, though instead of making things pretty, we focus on making them safe.” Her gaze goes to my side. “I was actually working on a project centered on school safety in case of a shooting.”

“That’s a good thing to work on.”

She nods. “It was pretty important to me. I hope to intern with the same company again while I go for my master’s next year.”

“They’ll hire you in a heartbeat once you’re done.”

“I can only hope. They don’t have room for a full-time employee right now.” She wrinkles her nose. “But that’s okay. Graduate school can be intense.”

“I’m guessing you have a place there, right?”

“Yeah. I have an apartment with Becca. And Binx.”

“He must like being back with you.”

“Yes, but I think he misses how much Becca overfed him.”

“Did Becca get into Berkeley?”

“No, she took a few classes at a community college nearby for a while. It was close enough living together made sense.”

That was supposed to be us, sharing a home and both going to school. She rakes her fingers through her hair. “How did you end up in the haunted cabin?”

“It got put up for an auction two and a half years ago. There was a rumor going around about a corporation buying it and the property around Ridge Road to open up another ski resort, but something fell through with the zoning at the last minute. I was the only one who bid on it.”

“That’s incredible. But…why?”

I shrug. “It’s quiet and lets me be the social recluse everyone expected me to become.” I meant it as a joke, but it fell flat. Nora’s brows come together.

“Jack.” She speaks my name with such emotion, turning to face me. Her hand lands on top of mine, and I flip mine over and lace our fingers. “I never—”

“I know. You were the only one who’d look at me and see a normal person.”

“You are a normal person.”

I tighten my grip on her hand. “I never told you this before.” I look away, thinking telling her is a bad idea.

“Told me what?”

“I used to think I had this…this darkness inside of me. I thought it came over me after Jason died, but that day the guy broke into the house I realized it was inside me the whole time. I didn’t break up with you just so you’d go to Berkeley. I broke up with you because I didn’t want to make your world dark too. You were my light at the end of the tunnel, and I couldn’t risk dimming you in any way.”

Her lips part and she squeezes my hand. Her eyes convey everything I’m feeling inside, and I want nothing more than to kiss her and forget the world.

“That’s not how darkness works,” she says softly. “If the light is on in the hallway and you open the door to the dark room, the darkness doesn’t come out. The light goes in. It fills the dark spaces. You wouldn’t have—” She cuts off suddenly, closing her eyes for a beat the way she does when she’s trying not to cry. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For doing what you thought was best. I like to imagine it wasn’t easy for you either.”

“It wasn’t, and don’t thank me. I messed up and I’d give anything to go back and make things right. I’ve missed you every single day for the last four years.” I take my hand from hers and cup her face.

“I’ve missed you too,” she whispers. “But we can’t go back.”

“I know.” I move my head back and look into her eyes. “I know,” I repeat, and she gets it. A tear rolls down her cheek. I brush it away. My heart speeds up and I lean in slowly. Nora doesn’t move away. Her eyes close and her tongue slips out ever so slightly, wetting her lips.

And then she jerks her head back. “We shouldn’t.”

“We shouldn’t have done most of the things we did.”

She smiles with tears in her eyes. “Yeah, that is true.”

I run my hand through her hair. “I guess I’ll go. Thanks for, uh, talking to me.”

“It was nice. Maybe we can do it again.”

It takes effort to keep from physically cringing. Nora just put me in the friend zone. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

She puts her hand on mine, fingers lingering for a moment before standing and going inside. I let out a breath and get up, unable to shake the feeling that Nora was never meant to be mine.