I’m drunk.

For the second time in my life, my head swims in a sea of alcohol, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I haven’t done this more often. I’ve only had half a margarita, and the effects of the alcohol would probably go away if I had something more in my stomach than a few spoonfuls of vegan cookie dough.

But I don’t want it to.

“What are you talking about?” Becca’s hazel eyes reflect her concern.

“Nothing.” I finish my drink and force a smile. “This is really good.” I go to refill my glass and Liam stops me.

“You don’t drink. This has a lot of tequila in it. Eat something before you get sick.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” I pick up my spicy ranch taco.

“I think I’m going to break up with Ray,” Becca says.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Liam sticks a straw in his margarita.

“Yeah.” Becca nods. “I like him, but there’s no spark.” Her eyes go to me. “I want that crazy, I-still-love-you-four-years-later kind of relationship like you have.” She smiles. “I want a soulmate.”

I divert my eyes. Jack is my soulmate, but am I his?

“That’s the dream,” Liam agrees. “When are you going to break the news to him?”

“I’m not sure. He’s going camping with his brother this weekend, so I’ll probably wait. I don’t want to ruin the trip or anything.”

“But you could be keeping him from hooking up.”

“Dammit. Now I don’t know what to do.”

I trade my taco for a cheese enchilada. The spice was just a little too much for me. I eat half of it and pour myself another margarita. Liam gives me a sideways look but doesn’t say anything. We finish dinner and walk back to the apartment. Jack hasn’t called, no surprise there.

“Time to fess up,” Becca says the moment I walk through the door. “What the hell is going on, Nora? You’re freaking me out.”

“Me too.” Liam shuts the door behind him. “What’s wrong? You said history is going to repeat itself.”

“Jack.” The one word brings up a maelstrom of emotions.

“What happened?” Becca asks.

“Every time we get close, he pushes me away, and I think it’s happening again. I can’t go through this.” I break, and Becca throws her arms around me.

“Come here,” she urges, and we sit on the couch with her on one side and Liam on the other. “Why do you think he’s pushing you away?”

I wipe my eyes. “He thinks I should intern up here again instead of moving home. I haven’t heard from him all day. I keep thinking of reasons why he hasn’t—”

“Don’t make excuses for him,” Liam interrupts. “He has commitment issues. You do not want to mess around with guys like that. Trust me.”

“He does, but he’s not afraid of committing to me. He has issues with me committing to him.”

“What kind of bullshit baggage does he have?”

I reach for Becca’s iPad on the coffee table. “Jack’s baggage isn’t bullshit.” I enter his name in a Google search and pull up an article from years ago about the shooting. I give the tablet to Liam.

“Oh my God,” he says as he reads. “Were you there?”

“No. It happened at the end of his sophomore year, and I met him the beginning of his senior.”

“He got shot? And then shot the shooter and saved a gym full of students?”

“Yes, but the article doesn’t tell you Jason—the shooter—was Jack’s childhood best friend.” The heartbreak catches up to me and my eyes fill with tears again. “He has no idea why Jason did it, or how he was able to pull the trigger on him so easily. He told me Jason looked him right in the eyes and showed no remorse before he shot him.”

“I can’t even imagine. God, his best friend? I feel sick. I am so sorry.”

“I don’t know what to do. I love him, and I want to be there for him, but I don’t know if I can survive going through this over and over. How do I help him when he won’t let me in?”

Becca puts her arm around me, pulling me to her. I crumble and start crying again, heart hurting for Jack more than myself. Someone knocks on the door.

“Oh, fuck,” Becca says. “Ray said he might stop by and I spaced.” She rests her hand on my back. “Can you tell him now’s not a good time?” she asks Liam.

“Of course.” Liam gets off the couch and goes to the door. I hear the chain lock swing against the frame. The door is behind me, thank God. I’m not up for seeing Ray right now.

“I don’t want to give up on him,” I say hoarsely. “Should I go to him?”

“Becs,” Liam calls.

Becca twists, looking over her shoulder. “It’s not a good—” She cuts off, and I can feel her body tense. “No, you don’t have to go to him. He came to you.”

“What?” I sit up, turning so fast I almost fall off the couch. Jack is standing in the doorway, face strained. I stare at him, heart beating so fast it might explode.

“Nora?” he whispers.

My hand flies to my mouth and I shake my head, tears streaming down my face. Becca gets up, going to Liam.

“We’re going to get out of here.” She grabs her shoes and purse and tugs on Liam’s arm. They leave and Jack steps in, closing the door behind him.

“What are you doing?” I go around the couch, stopping a few feet from him.

“I came to see you.”

“Why?”

“I realized you were right. The light and dark need each other to exist. But I don’t just need you. I love you. With everything inside of me, I love you.”

Nerves prickle down my spine. “But you pushed me away again.”

“I know. And as soon as I realized it, I got in the Jeep and drove. I didn’t bring my phone or my wallet that has my license in it, and I got pulled over for speeding. I had to pull the my dad’s a cop card.”

I sniffle and smile. “I’m sure he loved that.”

“He’ll bring it up every chance he gets.” Jack takes a tentative step toward me. “Nora, I love you. I don’t want to live a single day without you in my life. I thought letting you go was for your own good, but what good is having half a heart?”

I’m choking up again, but this time not from sadness. He holds out his hand and I take it. The second our fingers interlace, I feel better. He pulls me to him, holding me tight against his chest. I slip my hand under his shirt, gently feeling his scar.

“Nora?” He loosens his grip and looks down at me. “Free fall with me?”

I smile. “Yes.”