“Hey, hun.” Stephanie unloads a bag of groceries onto the counter. I look down at myself, quickly making sure my clothes are on right, and go in. “Did you go out for a walk? Your cheeks are flushed.”

Shit. “Yeah. A walk. It’s hot out.”

“It is. Be careful in this heat.”

Stephanie sets a bottle of orange juice on the counter. “I see Jack is visiting next door. Have you talked to him again?”

“Yeah. Today, actually.” We did talk, amongst other things.

“How’s talking to him again? I know how hard the break up was, and how much you’ve avoided him.”

“I haven’t avoided him.”

Stephanie gives me a look that says she knows I’m full of bullshit.

“Okay, fine, maybe I have a little.” I reach into the reusable cloth bag for a bunch of bananas. “And it’s…it’s weird.”

“A good weird or a bad weird?”

I put the bananas in the fruit basket on the island counter. “I’m not sure yet.” The type of weird we just experienced was a good weird. A very good weird. “It took me a long time to get over him, and now that he’s back…it’s like it’s undoing the progress I made.”

“Do you want to be over him?”

“I don’t know.” I pull apples from the shopping bag next and take them to the sink to wash before I put them away. “Yes. I do.” I turn on the water. “Honestly, I just want to be happy.”

“Does Jack make you happy?”

I sigh. “I don’t know either. He used to.” I stick an apple under the water, scrubbing it with my hand. My relationship with Stephanie flip flops from motherly to friendly, which is weird enough on its own. It’s not something I’m able to explain very well to others. She came into my life when I was at the crossroad to adulthood, at a point where I needed support and guidance but not the full discipline of a mother. Sometimes she feels more like that mother figure, and other times she’s more like the cool aunt I can tell anything to. Right now, she’s a mixture of the two.

“It doesn’t matter, right?” I grab another apple. “I’m going back to school and who knows, maybe I’ll meet a cute guy at work, whenever I get a job. Engineering is still very male-dominated, so the chances of meeting a young, single guy are high.”

Stephanie puts a carton of eggs into the fridge. “Higher than your chances of meeting a cute, single guy at school?” She gives me a look, and her silence says more than words. I never talked about a guy I liked. Never mentioned a boyfriend.

Because I didn’t have one.

Jack wasn’t the only person who couldn’t move on. I tried, really, I did. I went out with Becca and even let her set me up on a few dates. Most of the dates were terrible, but a few guys were more than decent. Kind. Smart. Interested in more than hooking up. I went on three dates with a guy named Phillip.

The first was a double date with Becca and her boyfriend at the time, the second was to dinner and a movie, and the third was to a New Year’s Eve party. It was one of the rare occasions I had anything to drink and underestimated the effect one cocktail would have on me.

Drunk, I decided to finally try out Liam and Becca’s advice to sleep with someone else as a way to finally get over Jack. Phillip took me back to his place and we started making out. I called him Jack twice, but for the sake of getting some, he let it slide. Things heated up and he went to finger me. My period had started without me realizing it, and the sight of blood on his fingers made him throw up.

We never went on a fourth date.

Stephanie and I put the rest of the groceries away and then go out for lunch. Jack’s Jeep is still parked in front of the Harringtons’ house when we arrive back after eating. The hope it brings should clue me in on the feelings I want to deny. I shouldn’t have slept with him. Too much time has passed to pick up where we left off and sleeping with him is only going to complicate things more than they already are.

Stephanie leaves to go to her friend Melissa’s house, helping her with the difficult foster child situation. I shower, then sit on my bed and text Becca.

Me: I did something really stupid

Like usually, she answers right away.

Becca: How stupid?

Me: I-need-to-call-you stupid.

Becca: Are you in jail?

Me: Yes, they let you keep your phones so you can text in jail. Are you free?

A call comes through from Becca two seconds after I sent the last text.

“What did you do?” She cuts to the chase.

I flop back on my pillows. “I slept with Jack.”

“Oh, wow. How was it?”

“Really, really good. But I shouldn’t have done it, right?”

“I don’t know. I’ve slept with a handful of my exes. It’s convenient and familiar, but we both knew it didn’t mean anything to us. Did sleeping with Jack mean something to you?”

I bring my hand to my forehead and close my eyes. Jack’s face is right there on the surface of my memories. “I don’t know. It did to him. He told me he still loves me.”

“What the fuck? Really?”

“Yeah. He said he never stopped, and oh my God, Becs, what do I do?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” she says gently. “But I think the fact you hooked up with him already and haven’t slept with anyone over the course of getting your fucking degree says something.”

Her words hit a nerve, and I know she’s right. “I think you were onto something about him being familiar.”

“Sure. That’s all he is to you. Familiar,” she says sarcastically. “How’s everything else there?”

“Pretty much the same, actually. I got invited to the high school mean girl’s bachelorette party. Don’t worry, I’m not going.”

“It could be fun.”

“If you were with me, I’d consider it. How’s everything at home?”

“Good. Binx likes getting the extra treats I give him. Liam and I are double dating tonight.”

“Ohhh, sounds fun.”

“I hope so. Ray’s been hinting he wants to take things to the next level and I just don’t know…I don’t love him like you love Jack.”

“Real subtle there, Becs.”

“Damn, I was hoping you’d agree. But I don’t. Ray’s a nice guy. He has a job and a house…it makes sense to date him. But that crazy passion isn’t there. I’m not sure if I should wait it out or break up with him now.”

“I am the last person who should give relationship advice,” I start. “You’re talking to the girl who spent years getting over her ex only to sleep with him twenty-four hours after seeing him for the first time again. I like Ray. He is nice, but if you don’t feel it, you don’t, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Right. Just like if you do feel it…”

“Hah-hah. No.”

“What’s so bad about admitting you still have feelings for him?”

I shake my head, forgetting she can’t see me. “I guess nothing, but I don’t.”

“If you say so. I’m headed out for a run. I’m here if you need me. Miss you!”

“Miss you too. Bye, Becs.”

I hang up, thinking about what was said. There isn’t anything wrong with getting involved with Jack again. It’s everything that comes after. He broke my heart. Twice. What’s stopping him from doing it again?

* * *

“Hey, Nora!”

I look up from the mailbox, squinting in the late afternoon sun. “Veronica, hi.” I tuck the mail under my arm and walk down the sidewalk to the Harringtons’ house. Veronica is sitting on the ground in the yard, painting a birdhouse. “Sorry for earlier. It was a little awkward.”

“More than a little,” she teases and sets her paintbrush down. “It’s okay. I always liked you and Jack together. I was so mad at him after he broke up with you. I love my brother, but he can be a real dumbass sometimes, and breaking up with you is the dumbest thing he ever did. He was miserable, by the way.”

I bite my lip. “How miserable?”

“Very.”

“I was too.”

“He went home to use his other computer or something. I assume that’s why you’re here.”

“Actually no. I thought I’d say hi.”

“Oh. Well, hi.” She picks up her paintbrush again to add another coat of pink paint to the birdhouse. There’s another one in a bag next to her, unpainted.

“Need help?” I ask.

“That’d be great if you don’t mind. There’s a bird nest on the patio where I like to lay out, and they’re shitting everywhere. I feel bad moving it, so I’m hoping they’ll see this and want to move on their own.”

“Good idea.” I spread out a sheet of newspaper and sit on the ground. “How have you been?”

“Good. I’m still single, but I’m not a virgin anymore.”

I laugh. “I feel like I should congratulate you or something.”

“Or something.” Veronica makes a face. “It’s an event I wish to forget. I expected my first time to be epic and romantic, but I quickly figured out it doesn’t always happen like that.”

“Right.” My first time was epic and romantic. Everything about Jack back then was epic and romantic. I dip my paintbrush in pink paint. “How’s school?”

“I actually really like it. Once I switched majors, I got serious. It’s like a part of you finally rubbed off on me.”

We laugh, and guilt starts to creep in. I always liked Veronica. She was my first friend here, and I was always able to trust her. After Jack broke up with me, being around her was too painful. She reminded me of Jack and going to her house to hang out was out of the question. I suppose I could have made more of an effort, but at the time it was all I could do not to fall completely apart.

We talk and catch up as we finish the birdhouses. Veronica is meeting up with her friends later to see a movie and asks if I want to go. I politely decline but tell her I’d like to chat again at least once before I head back to Berkeley.

I try to relax and lounge around the house but start to feel restless. It’s dinner time anyway so I change into a dress, grab my keys, and drive into town. Along with getting something to eat, I figure I can look through the shops downtown to kill time. There are a handful of cute boutiques, including Mrs. Harrington’s store, and Becca’s birthday is coming up. I’m sure I can find something for her there. I take the first free spot to park, not minding walking a block or two in the heat.

I slow when I near a pet store, tempted to go in and blow my money on cat treats and toys for Binx. Deciding he already has enough, I step forward, only to stop again. Jack and Charlie come out of the store and we almost collide.

I extend a hand to Charlie and meet Jack’s eyes. We recently fucked, cuddled, and almost fucked again before being walked in on by his sister. This should be awkward. I should want to turn and run and pretend I didn’t see him.

But I don’t.

“Hey.” Jack readjusts the big bag of dog food he’s carrying under his arm. “You’re either stalking me or someone is trying to tell us something.”

My heart swells inside of me, and the sight of his hair, still messy from sex, turns me on all over again. “I’m stalking you.”

“I knew it.”

“I was actually on my way to your cabin to break your legs so you can’t run away, and demand you draw me a picture.”

He grins. “Funny. I was going to do the same to you. I need someone with engineering knowledge to draw up a house plan.”

I smile back. “I guess we could put our Misery plans aside and just help each other.”

“That is a possibility. Though I do like the idea of kidnapping you and tying you up in my bed.”

A woman exits the store and gives Jack a funny look. We step away from the doors and into the shade.

“Shopping for Binx?”

“I thought about it, but he doesn’t need anything.”

Jack smiles and looks down at the shopping bag hanging from his wrist. “Neither does Charlie. So, were you out shopping for yourself?”

“I guess. I got bored sitting in the house. Bored and hungry. Stephanie talked about a new restaurant down here that sounded good. I can’t remember what’s it’s called, but it serves pizza and has twenty-five different types of beer on tap.”

“It is good. The pizza at least, I don’t drink very often.”

“Neither do I. And I don’t like beer anyway.”

Jack shifts his weight. “I’m hungry too. Do you want to get a pizza together?”

“Yes,” I answer before I have a chance to think about it. I just got through telling myself sleeping with him was a mistake. “What about Charlie?”

“I can drop him off at my mom’s store. He likes to hang out in the office.”

“That’s perfect because I wanted to stop in there anyway. Becca’s birthday is coming up and I need to find her a present. Do you want me to take Charlie?”

“Sure. I’m parked across the street and will run the food over.”

I take Charlie’s leash and wrap it tightly around my wrist, watching Jack go to the crosswalk. I crouch down and scratch Charlie behind the ears.

“Hey, Charlie boy. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into,” I sigh. “And don’t tell anyone, but I still care about your dad. A lot. I more than care about him, if I’m being honest. But I still think getting involved again is a bad idea.”

“Whatcha talking about?” Jack asks when he comes back over.

“You.”

Jack smiles. “I figured so. Charlie likes you. He has good taste.” He holds out his arm, and I loop mine through his.

“Are you still dying from the heat?”

“I’m surprised I’m not dead already. It’s hot for Charlie. Don’t judge me when I carry him across the pavement. It’s hotter than the cement sidewalk.”

“I am judging you. In a good way. I told you when I first met you I thought it was cute how much you love that dog.”

“He’s my buddy.”

Jack was serious about carrying Charlie across the hot pavement. The large dog gives me a look equivalent to rolling his eyes. We go down another block to get to his mom’s store. She’s behind the register ringing up a customer and looks annoyed at the sight of Charlie. Then she sees me.

“Hey, Mom,” Jack says as soon as the customer turns to leave. She stops to pet Charlie and he eats it up. “Look who I found.”

Mrs. Harrington’s hair is darker and shorter than the last time I saw her, and she has lost a good amount of weight. The annoyance disappears completely, and Mrs. Harrington looks from Jack to me and back a few times.

“It’s Nora,” Jack finally says, not sure if his mom recognizes me. I added highlights to my hair, but it doesn’t make me look that different. “From next door, remember?”

Mrs. Harrington blinks away her shock. “Of course, I remember. I’m a little stunned. Oh honey, you look fabulous!” She comes around the counter and hugs me. “I remember when my breasts were that high and firm. Then I breastfed two kids.”

“And she’s just as weird and awkward as ever,” Jack mumbles. I smile. I always liked the blunt honestly from his mom.

“How are you? What are you doing back in town?”

“I’m good,” I answer. “I graduated and am home visiting for a bit before I attempt to get my master’s degree.”

“And you two…”

Jack bends down to pet Charlie. “We just ran into each other.”

“Must be fate.” Mrs. Harrington wiggles her eyebrows. “Unless you’re seeing someone, Nora. Then it wouldn’t be. Or maybe it still could be.”

“I’m not seeing anyone.”

“Well, look at that. Jack isn’t either.”

“Mom.” Jack shakes his head. “We want to grab something to eat. Can Charlie hang out here for an hour?”

“Of course! Take your time. It’s been a slow day today and I could use some canine company. No one wants to go out in this weather. It’s unbearable!”

“Don’t let him get into anything.”

“I know how to take care of a dog, Jack.” Mrs. Harrington rolls her eyes, reminding me of Veronica. Now I know where she gets it from. “It’s good to see you, Nora. How long are you in town?”

“A few more days.”

“I hope to see you again. Have fun at dinner.”

“Thanks. And it’s good to see you too. The store looks great.”

Jack puts his hand on the small of my back, ushering me out of the store. Mrs. Harrington notices, and her eyes light up. She thanked me more than once for making Jack happy.

“She’s so embarrassing,” Jack says when we get a few yards away from the store.

“Nah. I like her. And I do have nice tits.”

Jack laughs. “You really do.” Apprehensively, he holds my hand. Butterflies take flight when his skin touches mine, and the feeling of his fingers laced with mine sends a jolt of familiarity through me.

I shouldn’t encourage this. Like I told Charlie, nothing good will come out of getting involved with Jack. I’m going to count to three and take my hand from his. One…two…three.

Dammit.

Jack squeezes my hand and turns his head, eyes meeting mine. They’re clear and shining today, reminding me of the boy I knew in the height of our relationship.

We get into the restaurant, and since it’s just the two of us, are seated quickly.

“Do you still like pepperoni pizza?” he asks.

“I do. It’s been a while since I had one.”

Jack raises an eyebrow. “It’s been a while since you had pizza?”

“A pepperoni pizza. I don’t eat meat much anymore. Most of my friends at school don’t either.”

“Did you like school?” he asks carefully, fully aware his question brings up the fact there is distance between us.

“Yes. Living in the dorm wasn’t fun, but once Becca and I got a place together, things changed. I got my best friend and my cat back. What about you?”

He shrugs. “It was all right. Once I moved out, things got better too.”

The waitress comes and takes our order. I look at Jack. My heart hurts with longing for him. Silence falls between us, and part of me wants it to be awkward. Because right now, things are too good to be true. My phone rings, and it looks like my wish for awkward is about to come true.

“It’s Stephanie,” I tell Jack. “I have to answer.” And I have to tell her I’m sitting at a table with Jack.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

I put my phone to my ear. “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m just now leaving Melissa’s. Sorry it took so long.”

“It’s fine. How’d everything go?”

“It’s a hot mess over there. I was right about her wanting to adopt this girl off the bat.” She sighs. “What’d you do all day?”

“Nothing really. Just relaxed, which was nice.”

“That does sound nice, and I’m glad you took some time off for yourself. Do you want me to pick you up anything for dinner?”

“No, that’s all right. I’m, uh, out to dinner right now.”

“Oh, with friends?”

“Yes, with Jack.”

Stephanie hesitates. “I’m glad you’re able to be civil with him.”

“Me too.”

“I’ll let you go. I don’t want to interrupt your date any longer.”

“It’s not a—” I cut off at the last second.

“Bye, hun.”

“Bye.” I hang up and put my phone back in my purse. I look at Jack, and the butterfly feeling comes back, despite my attempts to stomp them down.

“What else did you do besides school?” he asks.

“I worked at a coffee shop on campus, and I actually got really into yoga. You look like you work out a lot.”

He nods. “I haven’t been to the gym much lately, but I do run every day.”

“I hate running.”

Jack smiles. “I remember.”

God, he’s so gorgeous when he smiles. It’s comfortable talking to him, and we feel just like old friends as that stupid saying goes. Jack isn’t an old friend. He’s my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart into a million pieces.

What the hell am I doing?

“What kind of job do you want?” he asks.

“Honestly, I’ll take whatever I can get.” I wrinkle my nose. “Less than twenty percent of civil engineers are women, so I think I’m already limited.”

“Doesn’t that make you more likely to get a job?”

“If I were a male entering a female-dominated field, yes. But not the other way around.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I know, right? Don’t get me started on it. I’ll go on and on for ages and spending four years in one of the most liberal parts of the country has made me a professional ranter on this subject.”

“What about in a perfect world?”

I answer with no hesitation. “I’d be a manager and oversee projects. I want to be in charge.”

“You’d be good at it.”

“I hope so. Really, I just want to be taken seriously.”

“I think it’s cool you’re doing something not a lot of other women do. I stand by what I said years ago. You’re the toughest person I know.”

We talk about school and the different kinds of jobs I can do with my degree, and Jack pays for the bill, leaving me to wonder if we’re on a date. If we are, does it matter?

“Do you want to come over?” Jack asks when we pause at the crosswalk near his mom’s store. “You said you wanted to talk, right?”

“Yeah. I do.” I look at him, fighting against myself. All I want to do is kiss him right now. “And yeah, I’ll come over.”

* * *

The last time I was on Ridge Road, Jack and I were crazy in love. As we stood outside the dilapidated cabin, I thought we’d be together forever. The landscape hasn’t changed much, and the road to get to the cabin is still gravel, making you feel like you’re miles and miles from civilization.

The road winds through its way up the top of a hill, and my breath catches in my chest when the cabin comes into view. It’s a world different than the boarded up, run-down house from our youth.

I park next to Jack and get out of my car, eyes going to the mountains around us. Soft wind rustles the trees surrounding the cabin, and the sound of birds chirping fills the air. The sun is starting to set behind the mountains, partially covered by dark clouds.

It’s beautiful.

No wonder Jack found peace up here. Charlie jumps out of the Jeep and runs around, excited to be home. He races to the front door, and the first thing I notice is the porch. It wraps around the front of the house, just like I said it should.

Jack grabs the big bag of dog food from inside his car and slowly walks up the stone path leading to the porch. My eyes are wide, and my heart is in my throat. There are wooden rocking chairs on either side of the front door.

He fishes his keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, standing aside to let me in first.

“Jack,” I breathe, looking around. “It’s beautiful.” We’re in a small foyer, with an office to one side and the dining room to the other. Jack’s computer sits on a large wooden desk, and the rest of the office is cluttered with drawings, notebooks, stacks of paper, and a few canvases. A large live edge wooden table fills the dining area, with mismatching wooden chairs made from various types of natural wood.

“It’s a work in progress.”

I take off my shoes and go through the foyer, entering the two-story living room. The wall across from me is all windows, offering a breathtaking view of the mountains. And then I notice the fireplace. Gray stone stretches to the ceiling, and white built-in bookshelves have been added to both sides.

Slowly, I turn, eyes going to the kitchen. The cabinets are white, and the backsplash matches the gray and white stone fireplace.

“You…you…” My words die in my throat. I blink rapidly, looking over everything again. “You remembered.”

“I did.” He sets the dog food on the island counter in the kitchen. “They were good ideas.”

A shiver runs down my spine and all I can do is nod in response. I look around the cabin again. There isn’t much decor in here, but the renovations Jack has done are gorgeous.

“The balcony off my bedroom is a nice place to drink your morning coffee,” he says, stepping closer. “You were right about that too.”

I spin around, eyes going to the stairs. Jack holds out his arm, motioning for me to go up. Working hard not to think about anything at all, I admire the beauty of the old house. The loft is narrow—like Jack said it was—and leads to the bedrooms upstairs. The largest has been turned into the master, with double doors opening to the balcony. The bed is unmade, and images of Jack sleeping alone night after night flash before me, and tear at my heart.

“I haven’t done much up here.” Jack unlocks the doors and steps onto the balcony. The wind blows through, cool and welcoming. “And the bathrooms are terrifying. There are two: one up here with the shower and another downstairs. The upstairs had carpet in it.”

“That is terrifying.”

“I pulled it up and found mold, but also the original tile flooring. It’s not much better, but at least it’s not carpet, right?”

“Right.” I go to the edge of the balcony and put my hands on the thick wooden rail. “Did you find out the history of the house?”

“I did.” He moves behind me, sliding his arms around my waist. I lean into him. “It was built in 1956, was foreclosed in the early 2000s, and has been empty ever since. The property is zoned residential, which turned off a lot of buyers. Lucky for me.”

“Yes. I can’t get over how beautiful it is. And how you did this by yourself.”

He lowers his lips to the back of my neck. My eyes close and my knees threaten to buckle.

“Jack,” I groan and spin around in his arms. “I think we should talk.”

“Oh.” His arms go slack around me. “Right.” He goes into his bedroom, perching on the edge of the bed. “What do you want to talk about?”

I don’t trust myself to get in bed with Jack and not surrender to him. I stay by the balcony doors. “I don’t know.”

He massages the back of his neck, flashing me his famous grin. “You want to talk but don’t know what you want to talk about?”

“Pretty much.” I bring my hair over my shoulder and look at the mountains. Clouds gather overhead, and the wind blows again, carrying on it the faint smell of rain. I know what I need to say, but don’t want to say it. I like being here with Jack, feeling like things neatly fell back into place.

But they’re not.

I flick my eyes to Jack, then back to the mountains. “We can’t pretend like we can go back and pick up where we left off. A lot of things have happened since high school. I’ve changed. You’ve changed.”

“I know.” Jack gets up and goes to me. “It’s been a long time, and I’d give anything to go back and spend the years with you. I still love you.”

“But you don’t know me anymore. Just like I don’t know you.”

“I haven’t changed that much, and neither have you. We’re still the same in more ways than not, but if it makes you feel better…” he holds out his hand to shake. “Hi. I’m Jack. The guy you had sex with this morning.”

I can’t help but smile and put my hand in his. “And I’m Nora. Nice to meet you.”

He closes the distance between us, hands going to my waist again. “I wish we could pretend like the last four years didn’t happen, but we can’t. I know we can’t. I’ve missed you, Nora, so fucking much. Now that you’re back I don’t want to let go. We’re meant to be together. I will do whatever it takes to prove it to you.”

“Jack,” I whisper and close my eyes. My hands go to his chest.

“You loved me before.” He tips his head down, and I can feel his heart racing. “I gave up everything because I thought it was best for you. I’ll give up everything again to do what’s best for us.”

“It’s not that I don’t love you,” I start, voice tight with emotion.

“Tell me you do.”

“I can’t.”

He takes my face in his hands and kisses me. “Then tell me what you want.”

I’m trembling head to toe. I haven’t felt more vulnerable than I do in this moment. I part my lips and inhale. The words are right there on the tip of my tongue and I’m terrified to say it.

But I’m even more terrified not to. Jack is right. I loved him before and I haven’t stopped. I can’t go on pretending.

“You. I want you.”