Nora’s sitting at the foot of my bed when I wake up. I tossed and turned all night, replaying everything in my mind. I can’t make sense of it. I know what happened. I know the guy breaking in wasn't Jason.

Jason is dead.

So why am I stuck in an endless loop of remembering and feeling every single fucking thing I did that day? I know I’m not there. I know it’s not possible. Yet it feels so fucking real.

“Hey,” Nora says softly and puts her Kindle down. She’s wearing leggings and a sweater. Her hair is pulled over her shoulder in a messy braid and she looks as tired as I feel. I sit up only to pull her back down with me, throwing the blankets over both of us.

“What time is it?” I mumble.

“Around nine.”

“Have you been here long?”

“Like an hour. I couldn’t sleep, and I was worried about you. I didn’t think you’d sleep well either.”

“I didn’t.” The last time I looked at the time, it was going on seven. I got just over two hours of sleep. No wonder I feel like shit.

“Go back to sleep.” She faces me, pushing my hair back. “I’ll stay here.”

I close my eyes, feeling anger rise inside me. I’m not mad at Nora. I’m mad she’s here taking care of me like a sick puppy. It’d be different if I had the flu or something I’d get better from. But this…whatever the hell is wrong with me…I’m not going to get better. It’s been years and I’m still having flashbacks. Still getting stuck in the past. Reliving the worst moments of my life over and over.

Nora brings her face to mine and we kiss. She’s light and she’s warmth. She’s everything good in this world, and I don’t know why someone like her, someone who’s been through her own personal hell and came out swinging, wants anything to do with someone like me.

She trails her hands down my chest, slipping one inside my boxers. I’m not hard, though it won’t take long. Nora has a way with me. Her long fingers brush over my dick to the inside of my thigh.

“Nora,” I groan, cock growing hard in her hand. “What are you doing?”

“I’d think you’d know a hand-job by now.”

“Yeah.” I pause, rolling from my side onto my back. “I mean why.”

“You sleep better after you come.” She kisses me and continues to jerk me off. Once I’m close to coming, she moves her head down and takes my cock in her mouth, swirling her tongue around the tip. I look down under the sheets, watching her lips slide up and down my cock as I come. Nora swallows, wipes her mouth, then moves back up to me. She pulls my head onto her chest and runs her hands through my hair, trying to get me to go back to sleep.

I close my eyes and do my best to relax, but I can’t turn off my fucking mind. Nora is too good for me. She deserves better than this. It’s almost Christmas and she just got into Berkeley. She shouldn’t have to deal with the mess that comes with me.

What happened last night was more than a flashback, and there’s no way I can tell Nora. I didn’t just think it was Jason under the mask.

I wanted it to be Jason.

* * *

“Oh, this one’s pretty!” Nora’s gloved hand is in mine. It’s been three days since the break-in and we’re walking through a row of ice sculptures set up for judging in Dale Hollow’s town square.

The guy took a plea deal and confessed to all the break-ins since fall. He was booked and is behind bars, but Nora was still rattled. Every little noise at night makes her jump. Her fears are normal. They’ll subside with time. She’s not going to have flashbacks and freak the fuck out like me.

The Kellers upped their security system, and Stephanie and Nora are going to the animal shelter after Christmas to look for a dog. The guy admitted he avoided houses with dogs and thought Charlie was out of the house at the time of the break-in. He tried the front door first and waited. When he didn’t hear barking, he broke in. If Charlie had been downstairs…

I exhale, breath clouding around me. I need to stop thinking about it. The guy got in and got caught. It was a ‘blessing in disguise’ as my dad called it, pissing off my mom.

“Yeah, it is,” I agree. Nora holds up her ticket, then puts her hand back down.

“I need to see the rest before I can vote.”

“Good idea. I’ll vote for whatever you choose.”

She squeezes my hand. “I don’t know why I didn’t come to this last year.”

“Because it’s lame?”

“This is not lame. I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie!”

“Exactly. Lame.”

Nora laughs, and twinkling Christmas lights overhead sparkle in her eyes. She’s so beautiful, so full of light and life. I’m the opposite, and I don’t want to hold her back. The thought that I’m no good for her has been digging at me ever since I pointed the gun at the burglar’s face and wanted to pull the trigger.

This whole time I’ve been thinking the darkness fell on me the day Jason died. It encompassed me and trapped me, and I couldn’t get out until I met Nora. Now I’m starting to think I’ve been wrong the whole time.

Maybe I haven’t been in the dark. Maybe I am the dark.

“Wow. This one isn’t as pretty but look at that detail!” Nora leans in, inspecting some sort of Celtic design carved into the block of ice. “This one might be second on my list.”

“You said that five sculptures ago.”

Nora wrinkles her nose, looking so damn adorable. We spend a few more minutes looking at the sculptures before we cast our votes. Then we move on to the snowmen. Finally, half an hour later, we’re both getting cold and walk back to my Jeep.

“Veronica wants to know if we want to meet her and David at Jimmy’s.” She takes off her gloves and looks down at her phone.

“David?”

“Yeah. A new guy. I don’t mind going if you do. Are you hungry?”

“I’m always hungry.”

“Great. I’ll tell her we’ll meet her there.” She texts Veronica back. “Have you looked over your schedule for next semester yet?”

“Not really. I have class on the same days as last, except my Tuesday and Thursday classes start an hour later.”

“You won’t be able to take us to school.”

“I still can.”

She shakes her head. “No, don’t get up early when you don’t have to. Stephanie and I are going to take a little trip to L.A. probably in the spring to get my stuff out of storage. There’s a lot in there I’ll be able to take with me to college. Including my Prius.”

“I forgot you had a car.”

“I almost did too. I’ve been eighteen for almost two months now and I really want my stuff. And I have money now.”

“Oh yeah, you do. What are you going to do with it?”

“Save it. It sounds like a lot since I had nothing before, but I know how fast it’ll go once I have bills. It’ll be nice to have that in my savings account once I graduate. And between the scholarships and the money Mimi put aside for college for me, my student loans will be minimal.” She looks out the window at the stars. “Thank you, Mimi,” she whispers.

Jimmy’s is busy, and we park in the back of the lot. The pavement is icy, and I hold Nora’s arm to keep her from slipping. Veronica and her date already have a table, and my sister waves like an idiot when she sees Nora. No wonder she can’t keep a boyfriend.

“That’s David?” I ask Nora, already not liking the goth-looking kid sitting next to my sister.

“Don’t judge him yet, Mr. Jock.”

“I’m not a—okay, I guess I was. But only on the surface.”

Nora meets my eyes, full lips coming together in a smile. “Exactly.”

We sit and order, and I drill David with questions, much to Veronica’s chagrin. Having her older brother double-date is probably reason number two guys don’t stick around.

“I heard you caught the asshole who’s been breaking into houses around here,” David tells me.

“Yeah.” My skin prickles and my mind starts to check out. When I think of the night of the break-in, things start to merge with the day Jason died. The dark hallway outside my room begins to glow under fluorescent lights. Charlie’s barking turns into unanimous cheering inside the gym. I pull off the mask and see Jason’s face. Dead eyes. Bullet hole blown through his cheek, taking off half his ear. The darkness closes in.

Nora puts her hand on my thigh. “Yeah, it was the same guy.”

She’s answering a question, one I didn’t hear asked. Veronica’s eyes cloud with worry. She tries to catch my attention and I do my best to avoid eye contact.

“We were a bit distracted upstairs.” Nora rubs my leg and scoots over by me. “That’s enough talk about it though,” she says bluntly for my sake. “You’re new to Dale Hollow, right? I’ve only been here for about a year and a half, but I like it.”

“It’s nice,” David says, and the small talk fades. We eat in silence for a minute, and it’s awkward. Why the fuck did I think having dinner with my sister was a good idea again?

“Nora,” Veronica starts, stealing a fry from David’s plate. She ordered a salad and regretted it the second everyone else got burgers. “Nancy and I were talking about how much fun it would be if we all went to Greendale University. She applied there too.”

“Yeah, that would be fun,” Nora agrees to be polite.

“I know, wouldn’t it? We could get an apartment and everything! And we’d only be like an hour from here, but far enough away from our parents.”

Nora glances at me. “It would be nice to be within driving distance.”

I order a plain burger for Charlie on the way out and buy Nora a box of cocoa-dusted truffles from the kids selling chocolate for a school fundraiser.

“Oh my God.” She takes a bite. “These are amazing! I could eat all of them before we get back to your house.” She grabs another and holds it out for me. “Try it.”

“That is good,” I say with my mouth full. Nora eats one more then turns the music down.

“You know, Veronica was right about one thing.”

“What?”

“It would be fun to go to Greendale with her and Nancy.”

I take my eyes off the road to look at Nora. “But you got into Berkeley.”

“I know I did. But I also go into Greendale. I should consider all my options, you know.”

“Since I met you, Berkeley has been your dream.”

“I can change my mind,” she huffs. “I have a home now. Being close to it would be nice.”

There’s only one reason Nora would consider going anywhere other than Berkeley: me. She knows how fucked in the head I am. She’s my light and I need her. And she knows it.

But I can’t do that to her.

I love Nora more than I love myself. My life might be a sinking ship with no chance of patching the hole before dark water swallows me whole, but I won’t make Nora drown with me.

“You’re not serious.” I hope to God she’s not serious.

“I don’t know.” She puts another truffle in her mouth and reaches over, hand landing on my thigh. “Greendale University is a nice school. It’s smaller so I might get more one-on-one time in class. It has its benefits, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah, but not when you compare it to fucking Berkeley. Nora, stop being stupid.”

She takes her hand back. “I’m not being stupid. I can do what I want, Jack.”

“I know,” I say softly. “Sorry. I don’t want to see you throw everything you’ve worked so hard for away.”

“I won’t.” She smiles and puts her hand on my thigh again, fingers inching toward my dick.

And she won’t. I won’t allow it. If it comes to it, I’ll stop things before Nora makes a mistake she’ll regret for the rest of her life. Letting go of Nora will send me back into infinite darkness, but I’d rather die a hundred times over before I see Nora destroy her future.

I’m not worth it. She might now see it now, but she will in time. Picking me over Berkeley is a huge fucking mistake. I can’t offer her a future when I can’t even see one for myself.

One day she’ll thank me for it.

I grip the steering wheel tight, pain crushing my chest. I won’t let Nora destroy everything she’s worked for. Even if it means breaking both our hearts. I take my eyes off the road for a second to look at Nora.

I love her enough to let her go.

And I will.