“Tired?” Nora wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her chest. My face falls into her breasts, not that I mind. I stretch out on the couch, needing to feel every inch of Nora against me. It reminds me I’m alive. I’m here, even though I don’t feel like I completely am.

In the months immediately following the shootings, when the flashbacks were the most intense, my sense of self would be off for the rest of the day. I’d pull myself from the flashback, but not feel like I’m totally out of it.

It’s fucked up feeling like I’m here but not here at the same time. Sometimes it would feel like I was floating above my body, watching my life play out. I wasn’t living. I was hardly surviving. The pain dulled, and I went through the motions day by day.

And then I met Nora.

“Kind of.” I’m exhausted. My heart has been racing all day, and I keep looking over my shoulder. Jason has been in the back of my mind, and every movement, every shadow, makes me think he’s standing there, gun pointed. My scar has been burning since the flashback, and I’m working hard to act normal for Nora’s sake. I don’t want to make her worry, and I don’t want her to feel like she has to stay here.

I don’t want her to leave, but if that’s what she wants, I’ll support it. A long distance relationship will suck ass, but we’ll make it work. I’m not walking away this time.

“Want to go to bed?” She runs her fingers through my hair. It’s relaxing and feels so good, yet my heart won’t slow the fuck down. I can’t shake the feeling danger is lurking.

“It’s early.”

“I don’t mind,” she says, knowing exactly what I was referring to. “You have a TV up there. We can watch a movie and cuddle.”

I smile. “No chick flicks.”

“I’m pretty sure The Notebook is on Netflix right now.”

“For you,” I start, sitting up so I can look into her pretty eyes, “I’ll suffer through it.”

“There’s also a new documentary about animals around the world.”

“The one shot in 4K?” I ask.

“Yeah, I think so. It looks amazing.”

I sit up, moving my hands to Nora’s waist. “I vote for that one.”

She smiles. “Me too, actually. You know I’m not much of a fan of those books and movies that make you cry. I never cry, and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.”

Nora gets up, picking our dinner dishes up off the coffee table. She came over around dinner time and suggested we go out. Being around people was the last thing I wanted after being on guard all day. I’m still on guard at the house, but it’s not as bad as it would be if I was in a crowded restaurant.

I help Nora clean up, then let Charlie out once more before going upstairs. I’m worn out. Physically and mentally. Crashing early and sleeping through the night would be fucking amazing, and if Nora wasn’t here it wouldn’t be a possibility.

Nora brought an overnight bag this time and goes into the bathroom to change into PJs and remove her makeup. I go to the balcony, trying to get my heart to slow the fuck down. It’s times like this I wish I drank, but after trying it a few times, I quickly realized it didn’t work the way I hoped.

Before I got to the point of passing out in a drunken stupor, my mind wandered and was too far gone to keep in line. The bad thoughts I pushed away came barreling in, storming me with the dark.

I grip the railing and lean forward, taking in a deep breath of mountain air.

“Jack?” The door behind me creaks open and Nora slips onto the balcony behind me. She stops next to me and loops her arm through mine. “I love you,” she whispers, resting her head against me. I don’t know how she knows, but she does. She knows I’m barely hanging on right now.

But I don’t think she knows how much I fucking hate making her deal with it.

* * *

I wake with a start, sitting up and opening my eyes wide. My heart is racing, I’m covered in a cold sweat, and the feeling of impending doom presses down on me like a ton of bricks.

I’m awake, but the nightmare hasn’t stopped. Jason walks in from the balcony, carrying three guns. The rifle and extra ammo are strapped over his chest, and he has a pistol in each hand. He turns his head, looking right into my eyes as he walks past, disappearing through the bedroom door.

“Jack?” Nora’s voice echoes in my head. She sits up, blinking in the dark. “Jack?” her voice is a distant echo, and her touch hardly registers. I throw the covers back and get out of bed.

“Where are you going?” Nora asks.

“I have to stop him.”

“Stop who?” She scrambles after me.

“Jason.”

“Jason isn’t here. Jack, stop!”

Charlie whines and runs ahead of me. He can sense what’s going on, but nothing is making sense in my mind right now.

“Jack!” Nora calls again. Her fingers wrap around my arm and I pull away. Doesn’t she understand our lives are in danger?

“Stay here and be quiet!”

“Stop, Jack!” She moves in front of me and puts both hands on my shoulders, face in front of mine. “Jason isn’t here! He’s dead! It’s just me, you, and Charlie in the house.”

I make a move to push forward and she catches my shoulders again, using all her strength to hold me back. Charlie barks and Nora flicks on the switch behind us. Light fills the room.

Finally, my mind wakes up, joining my body. The nightmare is over. I’m in the house leaning against the wall by the stairs. Nora is in front of me, tears in her eyes.

“Nora?”

“I’m here, Jack. I’m here.” The tears fall, rolling down her cheeks. Her hands shake as she apprehensively reaches for me. I pull her close, wrapping her tightly in a hug. Nora tries to stop herself from crying.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my hands over her hair.

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But you’re crying.”

She sniffles and looks up at me. “I was so scared, and I couldn’t help you.”

“You did help me.”

Her arms go around me, and we slide down the wall to the floor. I bring Nora into my lap, burying my head in her hair. I hate seeing the fear in her eyes. Knowing I caused it makes the guilt I carry every damn day intensify.

“What happened?”

“I don’t really know,” I tell her. “It’s like my mind was still asleep.”

Nora wipes her eyes and straightens up. “I read that the same part of your brain used for memory is activated when you have flashbacks. So it really is replaying before you.”

“That’s what it feels like.” I exhale heavily and rest my head against hers. Heavy exhaustion crashes down on me, ten times worse than before. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” Nora runs her hand through my hair. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

I shake my head. “I won’t be able to sleep.”

“Okay. We can sit on the balcony instead.”

“I’d like that.”

We go to the balcony, sitting together on the lounge chair. Nora covers us with a blanket and we sit there, not talking for a while. I’m sure Nora is tired, and I wish I could be too. It’s a slippery slope when a flashback hits like this and is hard to explain.

I’d be around people who’d understand next week if I could go to my group. They wouldn’t ask questions or poke or prod when I told them the nightmares came to life again because they’d understand. They wouldn’t ask me why I didn’t ‘just make it stop’ like I have any fucking control over this at all.

They’d remind me I wasn’t alone in this. We’d talk about our highs and our lows. I’d get to tell them more about Nora, and how much better I am when I’m with her. How she can pull me from the clutches of hell, shedding light on my dark world with just one kiss.

But I can’t, because Wyatt’s dead.

He was supposed to be better, and I’m sure every guy in the group is wondering the same thing I am. Is there a ticking time bomb inside of me too?