Debbie

“Patrick Swayze will always be the hottest guy in movie history. I have spoken.”

Lara and I looked at each other, paused a beat, and then burst out laughing.

My cousin Cindy looked at us both like we had the plague and turned up her nose dramatically, playing up being totally offended.

“You aren’t wrong, but I’m, not sure you just saying that means that the whole world knows and accepts it,” Lara said.  “You might have to go online and write it somewhere, or create a website or a blog about it.”

“Right,” I agreed. “It has to be stated somewhere that a lot of people will see it. Not just the three of us.”

“You guys, have no vision,” Cindy said.

“We aren’t guys, and I happen to think we both have an amazing amount of vision,” Lara said.

“But you do agree he is perfect?” Cindy asked.

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Early nineties Brad Pitt might have given him a run for his money, though.”

“No, no—late nineties Brad Pitt,” Lara corrected me. “I prefer Fight Club Brad to Thelma and Louise Brad. He had more muscles, and was more rugged. In Thelma and Louise he just looked too baby faced.”

“You’ve given this way too much thought,” I said before turning my focus back on the screen.

Lara, my cousin Cindy, and myself had been aching to have a girls night for a while, so when we heard about the eighties Patrick Swayze triple feature happening at the drive in theater in Cambridge (it was probably the last drive in within a hundred miles) we all decided it would be a hoot to go see it. My cousin Cindy had a van, so we pulled in backwards and opened the back hatch so the three of us could just lie there in the back of the van with our blankets and pillows, almost like some kind of a slumber party like we used to have when we were twelve.

We bought a bunch of snacks, soda, and Lara brought beer of course because she was just that much of a badass. We were about two-thirds of the way through the second movie when Cindy made her announcement about Patrick Swayze.

“Guys in movies today are just too soft,” Cindy was saying. “I mean, just look at how rugged yet sensitive Patrick is in this movie.”

We were watching Ghost and the love scene with the pottery wheel was happening. I loved this scene. I don’t think I’d ever met a woman who didn’t love this scene. There was just something so romantic about it. I found myself fantasizing about Paul and wondering if we could ever have a moment that romantic.

Well, I guess we already had a few times, but real life was never as fun as the fantasies that you watched on TV. I guessed that was why they called it fantasy.

Speaking of Paul, I missed him dearly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried to focus. So far neither Lara nor Cindy had noticed that I was really not there mentally. My mind was definitely elsewhere, but the occasional fun conversation would draw me back in.

It had been three days since Paul’s case had been thrown out. Life had returned to normal, but I found myself wanting to be with Paul all the time. It was to the point that I began to question whether it was healthy that I was so fixated on being with him. But I couldn’t help it. Being away from him caused me some anxiety as if he wouldn’t be there when I returned.

It was understandable, though. I’d almost lost him over something so stupid. I couldn’t face the fact that he could be taken away from me so easily. I didn’t see him staring down another attempted murder rap or anything, but I could see other possibilities. And my mind had been so full of racing thoughts lately. My anxiety seemed to be getting worse. And I was feeling very sick in the mornings. I must have had a touch of the stomach flu that was going around. The past two days it had been happening, but it seemed to get better as the day progressed. I’d almost called off sick to work both days but it was the worst time of the year for me to miss any work and I did not want to get behind. With my job if I missed work, then the work piled up until I did it.

When Lara suggested a girls’ night I almost said no at first. I was exhausted and I was still feeling a bit queasy. But I was glad I went. I really did need this to clear my head and honestly spending some time away from Paul was probably good for the both of us. I definitely did not want to be one of those people who smothered their partner. Besides wasn’t absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? I believed that was the saying, and so far it had been working for me.

Paul said he was going to spend the evening working on his novel. He’d stopped by the plant yesterday to inquire about getting his job back, but the boss was on vacation all week and couldn’t be reached. So, the acting manager said that he would put the message on his desk so he’d see it when he came back next week.

There was really not a lot else in the area that Paul was interested in doing. He said taking a job he hated like at the factory inspired him to stay motivated and focused on his goals. I could understand that; I admired it in some way as well.

“Have you guys ever caught your man, um…playing with it?” Lara asked.

It was a disturbing enough question to stun me out of my thoughts. What did she just say?

Cindy was laughing her head off, trying not to choke on her gulp of beer.

She finally swallowed hard and let her laughter ring out in the van.

“What the hell? Where did that come from?” I asked.

Lara smiled and said, “I caught Mark beating it this morning.”

“What? Where?”

“It’s his day off and he was on the couch watching some porn on his laptop.”

“Oh, my God. That is awesome,” Cindy laughed.

“Yeah, I watched him a few seconds before he realized I was there.”

“How did that happen?” I asked.

“Well, I usually eat lunch at the cafeteria, but I was really tired today and I wanted to be rested for our girls night, so I left the hospital sick—I had plenty of time to cover it—and I came home. I used the back door and I guess Mark didn’t hear me because for some reason he likes to watch porn while wearing headphones.”

I was dying. This was the funniest thing I’d heard in a long time. I was definitely telling Paul about it.

“Wow, that’s classic!” Cindy said.

“Yeah, I walked out of the kitchen into the living room and he is just there like beating it furiously and talking to the screen.”

“What did he say?”

“He was like, ‘oh baby, yeah… that’s where it doesn’t belong…’

I lost it.

I fell over on my back roaring with laughter. I laughed until my guts felt like they were going to spill out of my mouth.

“What happened when he finally saw you?” Cindy asked.

“Well, he stops and just looks at me for a second and then he rips off the headphones and exits out of the screen trying to pretend that he wasn’t doing anything.”

“Typical,” I said. “You called him on it right?”

“Oh, yeah,” Lara replied. “Hell, it turned me on so I told him to keep doing it. He was reluctant because he thought I was joking, but he played along and we had some great sex. It was hot.”

“Wow, only you would turn something embarrassing into something hot,” I said.

“You never watched a guy beat his thing before? I urge you to try it,” Lara said.

Now that she was describing it, suddenly I had a feeling I would like to try that with Paul. It did sound enticing to watch my man stroking himself off in front of me. I knew that I had to try it, soon. I just hoped Paul was…up… for it.

I smiled at the thought.

“I agree, that is a bit disturbing,” Cindy said.

“You know that is one thing I don’t think Patrick Swayze ever did on camera. I don’t think he ever showed his penis. I believe he showed his buns, but not the package. That’s too bad. I think it should be required of every hot guy in Hollywood to show their dicks on camera at least once. There should be a rule.”

“I’m sure you can start an online petition trying to make that happen and you will be very successful,” I teased.

Cindy’s eyes lit up right then.

“You know, all this talk about naked guys has got me distracted. I can’t concentrate on the movie. I have an idea of somewhere even more fun to go.”

“What? Where?” I asked groaning inside. I knew Cindy and every time she got some harebrained idea it was guaranteed to be some crazy adventure I didn’t want to be a part of, especially not tonight. I was tired and I didn’t feel that great. I just wanted to watch these movies, tell some crazy jokes with my best friends, and go home to my warm bed hoping I felt better tomorrow.

But Cindy had other ideas. And it was her van.

I immediately found myself wishing I’d driven.

“What are you talking about?” Lara asked. There was more curiosity than concern in her voice. Lara was usually up for just about anything, and Cindy knew it.

“Oh, I have a great idea,” Cindy said. “But it’s a surprise. You guys are going to love it!”

I had a feeling I was going to hate it.

“No, no, out of the question,” I said. I was not doing this.

“What is your problem?” Cindy asked. “This is going to be great!”

“No, I am not going to a strip club,” I said standing firm.

The moment Cindy pulled up to The Chameleon I knew what was on her mind. I’d heard of this place and I knew exactly what went on there. I’d almost been dragged there before. Actually, I think it was by Cindy.

“Why not? Have some fun,” Lara said.

“You are not helping,” I said. “Look, I’m in a serious relationship with a man I adore. I’m not going to a strip club to betray that love.”

“That is not remotely what is happening,” Cindy said. “These guys aren’t gigolos. We aren’t going in there to get laid. It’s just entertainment. It’s dancing. There isn’t even much touching going on unless you want it.”

“I’m not going,” I said. “I can’t. If Paul finds out he will freak.”

I figured he would freak out, but I wasn’t sure how Paul would really react to something like this.

“You are overreacting,” Lara said. “Do you think Mark cares if I go in there? No. He doesn’t care, just like I don’t care if he goes out to look at strippers with his friends. Cindy’s right, it’s just entertainment.”

“You and Mark have a very odd relationship,” I said.

“Thanks,” Lara said with a smile.

“That wasn’t a compliment,” I joked. “I just don’t feel right about this. I won’t be able to keep it a secret. I’m terrible at that.”

“Don’t keep it a secret,” Lara replied. “You are out on a girls’ night after all. And you aren’t doing anything wrong.”

I knew that it was a mistake. There was no way I was keeping this from Paul and I figured he would be completely enraged by it. But was that warranted? I tried to reverse the roles in my head. If Paul wanted to go see strippers, I wouldn’t have really cared. I mean, it wasn’t the nineteen fifties anymore. I liked to consider myself a modern woman and the times were different. I wouldn’t have even cared if Paul watched porn. For all I knew he did. We hadn’t ever really talked much about it.

“I’m going to regret this…” I mumbled as Lara and Cindy grabbed me by the arm and started to drag me towards the club.

The music in the club was blaring loud. It took me a few moments to get used to it and a few more minutes to even start to feel comfortable. Stumbling through the dimly lit, crowded club, Cindy and Lara found us a table right up in front of the stage that had just been vacated.

A shirtless man with glistening abs promptly came over to clean the table. I couldn’t take my eyes off his rippling body and that million dollar smile he flashed us all.

“You ladies enjoy yourselves,” he said as he walked away.

I instantly felt guilty and weird about being that attracted to some other guy. But I tried to remind myself that it was just a physical attraction. That sort of thing didn’t stop once you were in love with someone. It didn’t change at all how I felt about Paul and it was insipid that I was worried about it. It was fine.

If Paul was going to be crazy jealous or freaked out by me watching a strip show then what did that say about him? From what I knew of Paul he was more level-headed than that.

At least I hoped so. Dammit. The guilt was still not going away no matter how much of a pep talk I gave myself.

This was going to be a long night.

After watching a bit of the show I started to loosen up though. It was easy to get wrapped up in the show, the music, the lights, and of course these perfect looking men who were running around the stage peeling off their clothes slowly, bucking their hips, until the only thing they were left wearing were cloth sheath’s covering their massive cocks.

I tried not to stare too intently. The guilt was still moving through me in gigantic tsunami-like waves, but the whole experience was somehow hypnotic and mesmerizing. I didn’t want to look but there was no way I could willfully turn away.

“This is so hot! Whoo!” Cindy yelled at the top of her lungs. She had definitely had a few drinks. I made a mental note that I was going to be driving us home that night.

“Yeah! Take it off!” Lara yelled.

A dancer was in front of her. He had stepped offstage and targeted her. Now he was nude all the way down to his cock sheath and he was now grinding and flopping his large, erect member in her face.

I watched with growing shock and awe. How far was Lara going to let him go with this? I had never actually been to a place like this before but from my understanding there wasn’t any real sex or even contact allowed between the dancers and the patrons.

It did not take long to dispel that myth.

This dancer was really being aggressively sexual with Lara and she was letting it continue, obviously enjoying herself. And she was still fairly sober. I liked to think I knew my best friend pretty well, but this was surprising to me.

“Do it!” Cindy yelled.

Lara smiled at her and then with one brief motion snatched the sheath off the dancer’s dick. He was now standing there completely naked and still flopping himself all over her.

Lara pulled out a handful of dollar bills from her jeans pocket and handed it to him. He smiled and grabbed his thick, cock almost like a bat. He was waving it very close to her face as if daring her to do something with it.

Lara rolled her eyes and looked away.

The dancer got the message and moved on.

Cindy and Lara began high fiving each other and laughing like lunatics.

“I thought you were gonna do it for a minute!” Cindy said.

“I was very tempted! But, no… I just like to mess with them. Did you see how disappointed he looked?”

I shook my head. My friend had me thoroughly convinced that she was very close to cheating on Mark. But then she proved my instincts right. She was still the same Lara. She and Mark bickered and argued constantly but I knew that neither one of them would ever cheat on the other. There was just no way. If I ever found out to the contrary then it would have removed all hope I ever had for real love in the world.

We stayed for about another hour. Lara and Cindy were both very tipsy towards the end, but luckily for them I volunteered to be sober.

We were just getting ready to leave when it happened.

During the last dance we were planning to watch a sexy dancer suddenly leapt off the stage and stood in front of me. He was totally nude. His hot body was shredded muscles, his skin glistened with sweat and oil, he smelled incredible with a mix of cologne, oil, and something else I couldn’t identify, but it smelled sexy as hell. Lust maybe? It had a scent, right…?

Lara and Cindy were freaking out in hysterical laughter behind us. They couldn’t believe this was happening to me of all people. I wanted to wiggle away from this scene but I was too caught up in it. The experience was weakening my resolve and revving up all of my lust. I wanted to let it take me to the edge without going over to the point of no return. The guilt I had felt earlier was somehow being eradicated moment by moment.

Then, I was caught up in only that moment. There was nothing else.

His massive dick was close to my face now. He was rubbing it in his hand, giving me the impression he intended to finish on my face. I didn’t know if he was kidding, or if this was an actual thing that dancers did. I wanted to move. I knew this was wrong. But I was frozen in a mixture of want, lust, and uneasiness. I knew that I shouldn’t have been doing this. It was against every principle I had.

But I could not do anything to stop it. My body wanted it. And if I was being completely honest with myself, a part of my mind wanted it, too.

Just then Cindy came in between us. She began dancing and gyrating with the dancer who was happy to oblige her.

My heartbeat was rapid and strong. I could even feel it pounding in my ears and the side of my head. There was a loud beeping noise in my ear, but I wasn’t sure what was causing it. I closed my eyes and tried to allow myself to come back to reality.

Cindy gave the dancer a wad of dollar bills and then turned back to face us. The dancer walked away to find someone else willing to give him more dollars.

“I am the queen!” Cindy yelled.

Lara hugged her.

“Are you ok?” Lara asked me. She looked suddenly concerned.

I realized I was still dazed and trying to make sense out of what had just happened. That shouldn’t have happened. I wanted to say no. But I couldn’t.

Because I wanted it. I wanted to experience that fantasy.

I felt dirty and sick.

I wanted to call Paul and confess everything.

“What are you talking about?” Lara asked me when I told her I wanted to call Paul and tell him what we did. What I did.

We were about halfway home. I was driving. Cindy was passed out in the backseat.

“I have to tell Paul,” I said.

“Tell him what? Some stripper danced naked in front of you and you didn’t even touch him? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I feel that I did. I’m so disgusted with myself. That never should have happened.”

“Ok, so you didn’t plan on going there and maybe that isn’t your type of place. It was an experience and I don’t think that Paul is going to be crazy mad about it if he did find out. But if you think there is a chance he might be, then you don’t have to tell him. Neither of us is going to. I won’t even tell Mark, if it worries you.”

“I’m not sure I can keep it from him,” I said. “The guilt is going to drive me nuts.”

“Ok, well then that is your decision, but I’m here to back you up no matter what you decide. But keep in mind it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t plan on that guy coming up to you.”

“I didn’t say no and push him away.”

“You were too shocked. That was the first time that happened to you. You should enjoy it. Life is about experiences and there is nothing wrong with having them.”

I thought about what Lara said and I had to admit she made some pretty compelling arguments. By the time I got home I’d made the decision to keep quiet about my adventure that evening to a male strip club.

I still felt guilty. But I made peace with the fact that I would rather feel guilty for a while and hope it faded with time then to risk losing everything with Paul.

If nothing else I was afraid that Paul would be hurt by it. He would probably be mad, but he would definitely be hurt. I just didn’t see him as being the kind of guy who would laugh off such a thing. There was an old fashioned side to him. He’d grown up in a different environment than me.

When I got home I took a nice, long, hot shower. It felt great to let the warm water wash over my body. I felt dirty and I needed to get clean.

Afterwards I laid down and fell asleep quickly.

When I woke up I felt better than I had all week. My mind was surprisingly clear and I didn’t have any of the nausea that had plagued me for a few days.

I got dressed and went to work ready for a productive day.

Only occasionally did I think about what happened the night before and the nagging guilt that came with it.

I hoped it would fade in time.