Debbie

“I’m fine,” Paul said.

I shook my head. For the second time within a week Paul was in the hospital. I wasn’t sure I could handle much more stress like this.

It was horrible. I kept replaying that image in my mind of Paul coming so close to being trampled by the bull. If my uncle Joe and Tony hadn’t pulled him out just in the nick of time the bull’s hooves would have crashed down on his head. He would have been killed. There was no way he would have survived.

But now here he was in the hospital again waiting on the doctor to reveal the findings of his x-ray results to see how many bones he actually broke this time. Even though he had escaped being trampled Paul had been thrown off the bull pretty hard.

And he was in a good mood about it all.

I couldn’t grasp how he could be so happy and easy going after experiencing something so terrifying. But he was. I admired his courage but at some point his courage was starting to scare me.

He had been talking nonstop about going back out to train.

“Are you serious? You almost died today?”

Paul shrugged.

“It was an accident,” he said. “I’m fine. Everything is ok. You know that bull riding is a dangerous sport. It is difficult. Otherwise everyone would do it.”

“I know… I just…” I tried, but the tears began to well up in my eyes.

I didn’t know why I was getting so emotional, but lately everything was continuing to just push me down and keep me there. I was getting stressed at work, I was worrying incessantly about the stupidest things, and when it came to Paul I did nothing but worry that he was going to get himself killed somehow, especially since he’d started training for the bull riding competition. Hell, I’d grown up a bit in this world. I’d watched my uncle Joe do it for years. Why was I suddenly so scared? Was it just because I loved Paul so much? Was that why I was so worried?

Paul reached out and touched my hand.

“Look, bad things happen sometimes,” he said. “Accidents happen sometimes, and I’ve found that the bad always happens together in patterns. I guess negative energy is attracted to negative energy. But it does pass. Eventually positivity pushes it out.”

I looked at him for a moment. I could see that he was dead serious. I didn’t know whether to thank him or laugh.

“Have you been reading up on all sorts of new age stuff lately? You are starting to scare me,” I said.

Paul laughed and kissed my hand.

“See, I knew you were in there somewhere,” he said. “And yes, I’ve read some things lately. I like to enrich my mind.”

I couldn’t hold back the laughter. The way he was talking was striking my funny bone. Or maybe I was just so relieved that he was ok that I was happy to hear anything that came out of his sweet mouth.

I wasn’t sure I could imagine my life without Paul. If something horrible happened to him I knew that I would not be able to handle it. I might eventually get over it, or at least come to terms with it, but I knew that I would always feel empty inside. There would never be anyone else who could fill me up that way.

The doctor came in right then and introduced himself. It was a different doctor than the one who had examined Paul the night of his physical attack outside the gym. This doctor was a younger woman. She was full of energy and spoke rather quickly almost as if she had to be in twenty places at once and if she was going to have to explain anything to you then it was going to make her very late. And we couldn’t have that.

“Ok, you are very lucky,” the doctor said. “You don’t have any broken bones. Your ribs are still really bruised, as I see from before, but no worse than that. And you have a twisted ankle. It should be better in a few days if you give it proper rest. And you need to get proper rest. I see that the doctor you saw previously advised you to take several weeks and rest as well. Glad to see you are following the doctor’s advice.”

I glanced at Paul who simply smiled and shrugged.

“I can’t stop living,” Paul said.

“I don’t think you realize how seriously you could have been injured today,” the doctor said. “With your previous injuries not yet healed you could have suffered several broken bones and you could have suffered a serious head injury. You need to take it easy and get some rest for real this time.”

“I know,” Paul said. “But I’ve got to enter that tournament. I won’t stop.”

“I’ll need you to sign a medical release form stating that we’ve given you these strict guidelines to follow. If you do anything outside of that and further injure yourself then you are operating against medical advice.”

Paul smiled.

“Ok, I’ll sign it,” he said.

The doctor caught my gaze and shook her head before walking out of the room.

“Paul, you were kind of rude to her,” I said. “She is right. You have to listen to somebody. The tournament isn’t that important.”

“To me it is. And to my family,” Paul said. “I need that money to save my parent’s farm. I know they are struggling financially. It’s up to me to help them out. This is the only opportunity I see. I’ve got to give it my all.”

“But at the expense of your own health? You know your parents wouldn’t want you to do that.”

“I know, which is why I’m not telling them anything about it. It’s another headache they don’t need. If I win I’ll be able to tell them everything.”

“Ok, well, if you think that’s best I guess I can’t change your mind, but I think you are wrong here,” I said, my voice coming out a little exasperated. I felt like I was beating a dead horse trying to talk some sense into him. But Paul had a strong, stubborn streak. He was going to do this consequences to his health be damned.

Paul grabbed my hand in his and kissed it.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll be ok. I’m going to be as safe as I can be and I might cut back on the training a little bit, but I will be ready when the day of the tournament comes.”

We left the hospital and went back to Paul’s place where we watched a movie and Paul pretended not to be in pain, refusing to take the painkillers the doctor had sent home with him. She’d given him some samples they had there and then a prescription for him to get filled at the pharmacy.

I hated seeing him in pain. Every time he moved to even adjust himself on the couch I could hear strained breathing and quiet wincing under his breath. He was also very quiet, which he occasionally had his quiet moods, but typically he was quiet when he didn’t feel well.

We spent the evening just watching some movies. I ordered a pizza at one point, and I texted Lara a few times about what had happened and how worried I was. She texted back that I had to let Paul do his thing and I shouldn’t be that girlfriend who is always nagging and pushing. Men didn’t like that, especially when they were as independent and strong as Paul was.

But I couldn’t get my mind off watching Paul fall off that bull and how close he’d come to having his skull bashed in by the massive legs slamming down towards him. It might have been the scariest thing I’d ever seen.

I loved Paul so much. The thought of losing him now, especially if something tragic like that happened to him, brought me to tears. But I tried not to let on like I was worried. I put a smile on my face and just kept everything bottled up.

I was becoming more like Paul. That was exactly what he did. I didn’t want to allow myself to become that way. It kept people out. It pushed people away.

That’s how I was feeling, as if Paul was pushing me away from him somehow.

But I didn’t know if my feelings were right or not.

I tried to quiet all the noise in my head but the thoughts would not stop coming. They just wouldn’t quit racing through my brain.

After the second movie of the evening Paul told me he was going to hit the shower.

As he got up and walked towards the bathroom he removed his shirt and tossed it in the dirty hamper.

I gasped aloud when I saw the bruises on his body from where he’d fallen. Some were older bruises from the attack outside the gym, but the fresh ones were dark, and deep looking. Some of them were almost black with scabs scattered over them in spots. The combination was disturbing to say the least and I felt instantly nauseas.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Paul said noticing my reaction. “It looks worse than it feels. I’m fine.”

I tried to fight back the tears but my eyes began to sting and my vision blurred as the salty tears began to seep out of my eyes.

Paul’s demeanor softened, a wave of concern and sadness washing over his expression.

He walked over to where I was now standing in front of the couch, too freaked out to sit comfortably, and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him gently.

“Baby, I’m fine,” Paul said. “It’s part of the sport. You’ve grown up around this. I don’t see why this is such a shock to you.”

He was right. I didn’t know exactly why I was freaking out the way I was. My emotions were just so riled up lately. I was so moody, sad one moment and happy the next. Everything was just piling on top of me and the stress was relentless it seemed. I just didn’t know what to do to quiet the anxiety inside of me.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I just hate to see you in pain or injured. I always thought I was stronger than that, but when it comes to you I can’t bear to think of something happening to you.”

Paul kissed me on the forehead.

“Nothing is going to happen to me,” Paul said. “It was an accident and yes, I was almost hurt seriously. That is the risk you take in a sport like bull riding. But the likelihood of something happening again is very small. You have nothing to worry about. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?” I asked.

“Of course,” Paul said.

But he was going to end up breaking that promise. I didn’t know it yet, but my world was about to be rocked from every direction.