Paul

I stepped out of the shower and dried off quickly. It had been such a long, hard day that I was almost half asleep. But it was barely seven in the evening and I had something I had to do.

I finished drying off and got dressed, hopped in my truck, and headed into town. Town was a good fifteen minute drive out of the country from my parents’ farm. I was so exhausted I had to consciously focus on staying awake so that I didn’t crash. I probably should have done this another time, but I really needed to get this done.

I’d forgotten how hard it was working outside all day on the farm. It was about the hardest job I could ever imagine and I was so glad that it was never going to be my career. But I was making progress in getting cows to market, and working in the greenhouse to get some crops together. I was also getting back in the business of getting the rodeo arena back in shape so we could start charging people to practice there. And I was fixing the horse stables which were falling apart and I was actually getting some interest in people who wanted to keep their horses there as well as a riding track. Things were coming together. But I was still far from the goal.

I arrived in town and pulled into the local library. They were closing soon so I had to be fast. I signed in with my old library card that was still good apparently and logged on to one of the computers in the computer room.

I then went about signing up to Facebook. I had never created a social media account before. I didn’t get the lure or the appeal of such things. If I wanted to talk with someone I did it the old fashioned way.

But with Debbie not responding to any of my calls and not reaching out to me I couldn’t think of any other way to get in touch with her. Hell, I had never even bothered to learn her email address.

Yep, I felt pretty stupid for being so out of touch with the rest of the world. It was indeed passing me by. But it was never too late to learn, right?

It took me about ten minutes to set everything up and then find Debbie’s profile. It was sent to private and I sent her a friend request. I hoped she saw it. Now all I had to do was wait. My cellphone reception on the farm was really spotty. About the only place it worked was on the far side of the horse barn. And there was no internet out there. My parents lived too far out to even get mediocre DSL service.

Of course I still had an old flip phone and I didn’t have the money to upgrade. So, hopefully I could use some internet off the data on my shoddy phone if I was in certain spots on the farm just in case Debbie did reach out to me.

But I couldn’t come back any time soon. I was needed there. I had to keep my head down and continue to make the progress I was making.

But I missed Debbie so much. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms again and to tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to explain everything to her.

Although, at the same time I knew I needed this time to myself. I was so distraught and stressed about everything that if I did talk to Debbie at any length at all she might not even recognize me. I was not good boyfriend material at the moment. My mind was on too many commitments. I had no time for anything except work. I had to dig out of the hole that my parents had fallen into. It was my responsibility, especially since I felt responsible for leaving when I did. I should have taken a sharper look at what was happening with them and I would have stayed.

I just kept thinking it was meant to be that I found Debbie. And my father most likely would have had a heart attack if I’d been there or not. I’m sure the stress he was under contributed some to it, but it was difficult to say how much and if my leaving really had anything at all to do with it.

But I still felt responsible.

No matter what I did I couldn’t shake the guilt, so I buried  myself in the work and knew that slowly but surely I would see the light at the end of the tunnel when I got there.

Surely, Debbie would understand that.