Paul

“Dad, I’m here,” I said. The words came out of my mouth as an almost whisper. My voice was so shaky. My whole body was trembling. I hadn’t stopped shaking since I’d heard the news. How had this happened? Why? Why now?

My dad nodded slightly at me and smiled weakly. He couldn’t talk. The doctors did everything they could and now it was up to him to heal. They hoped that if everything went right then he would be able to leave the hospital in a week or so. But the damage to his heart had been extensive.

My mom said my dad had come into the house after feeding the horses that morning. He didn’t look well. She noticed he was sweating more profusely than normal and his complexion was kind of pale, an almost whitish grey color. He asked her to get him some water and while she did so he suddenly collapsed to the floor clutching his chest.

The ambulance arrived quickly and they took him in for emergency surgery. He had one hundred percent blockage on the artery that was commonly and grimly referred to as “the widow maker”.

“Mom, everything will be ok,” I said looking over at my mother who was fighting tears in the chair beside me. She was so devastated. I hated seeing her in so much pain.

“I’m so glad you are here, Paul,” My mom said through a weak voice.

“I never should have left,” I said. “This is my fault. I should have stayed and helped Dad. He was working too much.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” my mother said. “We both wanted you to go and make a life for yourself. We never wanted you to stay and work the farm your whole life, unless that was what you wanted. You have your own dreams. Your dad and I both just want you to be happy.”

I appreciated my mother’s kind words, but I couldn’t shake the guilt I felt. It was my fault. I never should have left. My father was overworked. He couldn’t afford to hire more farmhands since it had been a really slow time this fall. He was stressed about losing the farm and keeping things afloat. And my head was so messed up from dealing with Janice and the trouble she’d caused my life that I decided now was the perfect time to leave. I was wrong. I should have stayed.

But I never would have met Debbie. That was the one thing. Was that fate? Was it supposed to be this way or was everything in life random and up to chance? I didn’t know. I just wanted things to be right. I wanted my dad to be well and I wanted the love of my life to be right there with me. I wanted my folks to meet her. I wanted them both to be there for my wedding day and for the birth of my children.

My father might not get to see any of it.

I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I buried my face in my hands and let it out. I didn’t want to upset my dad by letting him see me cry, but I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

My dad reached over and touched my hand just then. I looked up at him and he smiled thinly at me. He tried to say something but couldn’t. His voice was just too weak.

“No, don’t speak dad,” I said. “You have to save your strength.”

My dad closed his eyes and my mother and I sat there for several minutes without saying anything. The silence felt good. Nothing but the hum and the beeps of the equipment my father was hooked up to. It was almost soothing in a depressing sort of way.

I thought my dad was getting some good rest until the machine let out a long drawn out beep. It sounded like the flat line signal, scary, and ominous.

I ran to the hallway and yelled, “Doctor! We need some help in here!”

A few moments later several doctors and nurses flooded into my dad’s room.

They worked on him quickly for a moment as my mother and I tried to get out of their way. We held onto each other and cried. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be…

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“There might be another blockage,” the doctor said. “Or maybe an artery leading to his heart has collapsed depending on the damage. We have to get him back to the OR.”

They wheeled my dad out of the room quickly leaving me and my mother there to hold each other in silence.

The doctors did everything they could but my father was pronounced dead twenty minutes later.

My dad was gone.

And my life was forever changed.