Debbie

I felt completely numb.

The tears would not stop falling and my entire head ached from the grief and from the incessant crying I’d been doing for the past few days.

It had happened. I didn’t tell Paul anything about the stripper incident and he’d found out by some freak accident really. And now he was furious with me. He probably never wanted to see me again. Or he was just mad and he would eventually calm down. I imagined that the latter was true, but I didn’t know.

I’d tried to call him a few times but it went straight to his voicemail. He was ignoring me. He didn’t want to talk to me. That was obvious. And I didn’t know what to do until he did.

It had been a very hard few days just not knowing what was going on, where we stood together, or if there was even an “us” anymore. Were we over? Surely not. I knew our love was stronger than this. We could get through this hurdle and move on.

But the doubt, the fear, and the shame I felt over what I had allowed to happen would not leave me. I was in an almost constant state of panic. I felt like I was going to have a total breakdown at any moment. I wanted to run and just disappear from everything for a while. But I had no idea where I would even go. There was no happy place for me. All I could do was wait and despair.

I had talked to Lara and Cindy who both were supportive but agreed with me that Paul was being silly and completely going overboard about this. It wasn’t even remotely as bad as what he was thinking.

I’d never known Paul to ever be anything but confident and secure in himself, but the way he was acting had shown me a different side to him I wasn’t sure I liked. But still I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and put myself in his shoes. How would I feel? How would I react?

And this of course just led to paranoid thoughts in my head that Paul had decided to even the score by going out to ogle strippers or worse that he had decided to sleep with some random skank just to get back at me.

I quickly deduced that both of these ideas were beyond ludicrous.

I tried to bury myself in work and anything I could do to keep myself busy. Whatever I could find to distract myself from the pain I was mired in, but nothing worked. It was like everything actually had the opposite effect and just bombarded me with more pain. I was supposed to feel miserable and I had to wallow in it.

I thought a million times about just showing up at Paul’s place and forcing him to talk to me. But I thought that might look desperate on my part. I admit I had made a mistake but I thought Paul was being stupid about the whole thing too. I didn’t want to appear weak in this situation as if he had all the power. I was willing to own up to my mistake but I was not willing to admit that I was a horrible person and that I should be punished for this.

On the third night since I’d spoken to Paul I was in my room bawling my eyes out. I was feeling extra sad and very lonely that day. No matter what I could not stop crying. I was at my wit’s end. I didn’t know what was going on with Paul and there was no way I could handle just not hearing from him anymore.

I was wrestling with a million things all at once.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

It was my mother.

I didn’t want her or anyone to know how upset I was, but I was glad to see her.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” She asked. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

I told her everything that had happened.

“I see,” she said. “Well, you can see why Paul is upset. But this is a small matter that will pass with time.”

“I don’t think so,” I said. “I’m afraid he is done with me, that he doesn’t trust me anymore.”

“Well, if that’s true then what the two of you had wasn’t that special to begin with, but with all you’ve been through together I don’t believe that. Trying times makes love stronger, not weaker.”

I understood what she was saying. Mom always knew exactly what to say to put things in the proper perspective.

“Now, since he is being so stubborn,” Mom said. “Why don’t you just go see the man? Apologize in person. You kids today hide behind this technology too much. No one really talks to each other anymore. Trust me. It will work out.”

I smiled and mom gave me a big hug.

“Thanks, Mom. That’s what I’ll do,” I said.

She was right. I had to go see him.

I quickly showered and got dressed so I could look as presentable as possible. I didn’t want to appear that I got all gussied up for Paul, but I still wanted to look attractive.

When I arrived at his place I was more nervous than I thought I might be. On the drive over I felt pretty good, confident even, but as I stood there outside his door I had a big urge to run back to the car and drive back home.

Still, I stood my ground and I found myself ringing his doorbell.

He answered a few minutes later. The look on his face was one of shock at first which quickly softened to one of happiness. I was quickly feeling like I had made the right decision to come over.

“Hey,” I said. “Can we talk?”

Paul waited a second before he finally said, “Sure.”

He stepped aside so I could come into his house. It felt good inside. His place was warm and cozy. It was getting really cold outside.

“Listen, I’m so sorry about what happened,” I said. “It was stupid. I shouldn’t have let Lara and Cindy goad me into it. But I never intended to let some stripper grind up on me. It just happened. And when it did I was too shocked to do anything. I felt like the spotlight was on me and I just didn’t know what to do. It was like my mind froze up, you know?”

“I know that it wasn’t your fault exactly,” Paul said. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realize I did blow it completely out of proportion. I let my mind run wild and I acted stupid.”

“You had every right to be upset,” I said.

“Yeah, but I handled it poorly. I should have stayed calm and listened better,” Paul said.

“I would never cheat on you or do anything inappropriate to hurt you,” I said.

“I know that, honey,” Paul replied. “I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls. I wasn’t so much mad at you as I was embarrassed by the way I behaved. I’m sorry.”

Paul wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me close to him. It felt so good to be in his embrace again. I’d been thinking of it ever since the phone call the other night. I had been a wreck for three days and now it was over. Everything was going to be ok. I realized I should have come to him then so we could talk and just not let things stew over an ended phone conversation.

He stared into my eyes for several seconds and then he kissed me sweetly. His hot, warm, inviting mouth on mine stirred in me all those warm feelings of being loved by the man I loved back.

It felt like I was truly home when I was with him.

And it was so good to be back.