Debbie

“I just don’t know what it could be,” I said. “It was like he wanted to say something really important, but he didn’t.”

“Weird,” Lara said. “Are you sure you weren’t imagining it? You are my bestie and I love you dearly, but you’ve never been the best judge of people.”

“You suck!” I laughed.

“I still love you,” Lara teased. “But maybe you were wrong. If he had something to say he probably would have just said it.”

I sighed and took a sip of my iced tea. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re right, but it’s just a weird feeling I have.”

Lara and I were getting together for our weekly lunch. At least once a week we tried to have lunch together to help break up the monotony of the work week.

After our conversation last night I had the nagging feeling that Paul was going to say something or ask me something and I couldn’t get my mind off it. I wanted to ask him so badly what it was. I’d been distracted all morning long at work by it and it was driving me nuts. It was such a wonderful and romantic evening, but that one little hitch was really wearing on my mind.

“Do you think he was going to propose or something?” Lara asked.

That was it. That was exactly what I was thinking.

“Well, maybe,” I said.

“What would you have said if he’d asked you to marry him?” Lara asked.

I giggled a bit.

“I would have said yes,” I replied.

“Wow, really? Do you think you’ve been together long enough? I mean you and Daniel dated a lot longer before he asked and then you see how that worked out.”

“I know,” I said. “Thanks for reminding me, but I think it’s different with Paul. We’ve clicked right from the start in a way I can’t even explain. I don’t want to say it because it sounds too cheesy but it feels like fate or destiny, whatever you want to say.”

“That’s great,” Lara said. “I’d be so stoked if you got married. I’m totally your maid of honor, right?”

“Of course,” I said. “But we are putting the cart before the horse here. I have no idea if that was what he wanted to ask me. It might be something totally unrelated.”

“Well, why don’t you just ask him?”

“Because I don’t want him to feel pressured or to think that I want him to ask me something he doesn’t want to ask. It might be all in my head.”

“There is only one way you will ever know,” Lara said.

I realized she was right. Paul and I had been together long enough that we should have been able to talk about anything. Our feelings for each other were strong and pure. I loved him so much. I couldn’t imagine a second of my life without him in it. I wanted him to be my husband, my life partner, and the father of my kids.

The idea of this not happening wasn’t even real to me.

“Ok, I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll ask him.”

“That’s my girl. Go for it,” Lara said.

The afternoon dragged on so slowly I felt like putting my head in a blender about twenty different times. I was really getting burnt out and I was starting to question whether I wanted to do private accounting anymore. Corporate accounting would be so much more rewarding in so many ways. But it would mean moving to a larger city and away from my home. I did not want to do that, so for now I was stuck where I was.

After work I rushed over to Paul’s place. I had to talk to him. I had to see if I was just crazy or if there was something bigger that we needed to talk about. I was a nervous wreck by the time I got there, but I was becoming better at facing my fears.

When Paul opened the door he looked like he’d seen a ghost. He was more upset then I’d ever seen him. His eyes were red, his chin was quivering slightly, and he was breathing heavily. Something horrible had happened.

My heart sank into my stomach and I felt like I’d swallowed a brick. I braced myself for what I was about to find out. Paul looked terrified. I’d never seen him look that way before. His hands were shaking. His whole body was trembling. I could tell he’d been crying and he was fighting the tears back with everything he could muster.

“I have to go,” Paul said.

He left the door open and rushed back inside.

I followed him with some trepidation.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Paul’s suitcase was laid out on his couch and he was packing up as much as he could fit into it.

“It’s my dad,” Paul said. He clenched his teeth trying to fight the tears. Swallowing hard he said, “He’s had a heart attack.”

I couldn’t move. My mouth went dry. My head was numb. Waves of dizziness began to vibrate throughout my body rocking the floor back and forth around me as if I were standing on some sort of teeter totter. I grabbed the wall to steady myself.

Tears were forming in my eyes stinging me and blurring my vision.

“What? Is he going to be ok?” I asked bracing myself for the worst.

“He’s in intensive care. They don’t know yet. He might not make it,” Paul said.

“Oh, my God,” I said. “Honey, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I’ll go with you—“

“No, you can’t,” Paul said. “You have work. I appreciate it honey, but I have to go alone.”

I didn’t argue with him. I wanted to show him support but I realized as soon as I said it if I left then I would be out of a job, plus the firm would be buried under the work I left behind. Even if they managed to find a temp with things as backed up as they were they would never be able to get through everything as fast as I could and get things done on time.

“Ok,” I said.

Paul finished packing and raced out the door, throwing his suitcase in the back of his truck.

I rushed out to say goodbye to him.

“Baby, I love you,” I said. “If you need anything or just to talk you call me anytime day or night. Please let me know how he is doing.”

“I will,” Paul said. “I love you, Debbie. I’ll let you know as soon as I know more. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

As I watched Paul drive away a sinking feeling fell over me. It wasn’t just the grief I was feeling because of the pain that Paul was in. I could only imagine the terror of losing one of my parents. I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it, but having someone close to you to lean on was so important in a situation like this. I hated that I couldn’t be there for Paul. I briefly considered bailing on work and going with him.

But it was wrong. I knew that.

Paul was strong. He would get by. I knew that.

And he would return to me.

I just hoped it would be soon.